arrrrgghhh

the things that i cant stop in life is overly the most irritating shit that can happen to me over and over again.
tell you people, i hate nags... esp those who cant hear out other people's explanations.
why the hell keep nagging when the person has something to say and they just cant try to hear them out.. what's the point if all they do is to just keep you down and always pulls things from the past as if they have not done those things themselves. it's like as if they never made those mistakes themselves, no matter small or big mistakes. i really hate it when i cant do anything but to just shut up cos that is expected of me... i really just have to escape from this. i shut my ears on it and i will keep doing that always. if worst comes to worst i can assure them that they will hear of their own mistakes via catching them make those mistakes that they blame upon me.

anyway, to hell it all the naggings i got today... well, the day's the last day of the weekends. so at least as school starts i can start my school life till the rest of the week. as much retarded as it sounds, school relieves me off certain things that i really hate. school life is like my escape from all the stupidity of life. like really...
it aches to the point that i always thought that being alone without any contact to the outside world might be the best.
like getting myself a place in this island where i can get my piece of mind. where there are no one who can make me feel so down and really angry.

i just want my sweet escape....

a part of me

my heart is in an icebox where the demon of my fears daunt me and haunt everything there is left within my innocent soul.
it would just keep doing so until i am too deep in and become such an emo shit!
i cant stand it! i cant stand it! i dont like being emo.
shit shit shit! i cant believe im feeling it again. well, it isn't consuming. not really.
but i just cant understand how i can even still feel like this because there are so many other factor to make me stop feeling the way i do now. A LOT.
and yet, im losing grip again! i cant let this happen. i just cant.
people, i still think that it ain't fair that im the only one feeling this way.
even if he is, i cant stop thinking that he dont. cos i really wont know if he do or not!
nvm. my demons need to be eradicated. that the only solution.
of which the only real problem is when am i able to eradicate it when i cant event think of any valid solutions.
shit.
okay, ciaoz.



lovelove.









i am what i am, i cant stop whatever there is.
i will be what i will be, i wont stop this journey.
to love and to be loved is a wish i want come true,
to be cold and numb is something i want out.
-me. jean...

today

gosh i tell you. i almost died of boredom at home!
i tried to sleep but i couldnt.
and yes, i have attended to my family issue already.
went well... i think im catching the fu again. arrrggh!
can fatigue just leave me be!? seriously, i cant seem to get my health in the right place.

okay, i did the vba module just now in the late afternoon.
and i tell you, i really cannot cope with it. i dont understand a shit i was doing.
okay, i can do many other things but i cant make it move thru a certain distance and i cant make the button bounce back to the middle of the form! haha.
and guess what, our faci dont teach, so i have to like go to the net and learn thru some of the free tutorials. but it dont help!
so i have to call on my year 2 friend to help me do this vba shit.
i really dont need to flunk a module. arrgh!

more wonderful thing, i have other legal stuff to be done this wed and thurs.
so imagine missing hours of my sch time. okay, anyways, the procedings wont be long.
i hope so...
but the good thing is that, it secures my future =))
so a few hrs missed wont be so bad if i look at it from a bigger perspective.

tmr, i have to choose my CCA! shit lah. i havent really though about it this whole day.
i was too preoccupied with things.
anyways, i want to try something more 'out there' and something in sports.
i hope i will get seduce by the right interest grps!
so AGORA, anticipate my arrival. i promise i will do my best in choosing! :D

im going off now!!! i stink really. wanna bathe already.
love love.

**meeting kiki, devi and dom tmr. i hope this three can get along!
they practically dont know each other lah! lol


p.s. as always,











elements of fears the resides in me,
the core of evil that kept daunting me..
leave my innocent heart and never try come,
cos im not afraid to force you out.
but then again as i walked, i see the one who showed me grace.
i see the one who gave me what's his,
who shared with me things, even his family.
now it's all but just memories, we wont relive it just as we wont permit.
but pls dear angel, drive this memories away.
i cant but just try to let it be...

eeeeeee

i have posted some words over at my affliated blog. do go to my links sections and click on AFFILIATED BLOG.
there are some words of wisdom there that i would like you all to read.

Anyways, im still awake. i wont be going to school later. i have some family issue that needs attending to and i regret having the need to miss my class =(
i dont know why but somehow, i miss school already, call me lame or crazy but yes it's true!
i cant wait for tuesday... hmms ooha. i will be having the cognitive process and problem solving module. arrgh. i hope this week we research on something much interesting compared to last week's Australian football.

Later, there will be some student lifestye fiesta whereby we have to sign up for our desired cca.
i think im going to have to do so on tuesday. no choice right? family issues?
okay, so i have somehow decided to just try for Drama and Netball. then again, one of the student leaders at the Orientation programme has asked me to go on to become a Student Ambassador. haha. me? student ambassador? lol. but i am considering you noe...
hmms. but if the cca stuff limits only to two, as what i have heard, then i will just go for drama and netball. but if girls have to go for nafa test to get into sports grps, then i will go for the SA.
:) simple what. :O


anyways, a friend has confided in me his confusion abt the rship of his.
a part of me agrees with him but a part of me tells me to tell him to try again.
i really dont like being in this situation whereby the person knows what is the best for him but
he still needs reassurance and so he or she asks me for my opinion.
but i hope them all the best for now...
=0













the way of loving is controlled by the mind...
who would give you love is not.
so pls heart, try to just accept the next best person who wants to enter my life.
** ito talaga ang kailangan kong gawin para umalis na ako sa pagmamahal na hindi napala totoo.. lo siento **

brain and the heart

The things that bother everyone else do not lie in terms of how life is meant to be but more to us having led it the wrong way. There are many other factors that make us in the rut we are sometimes stuck in. Those of which are the realities how much we let others into our life so much as they dictate even most intimate things like our feelings and how we have to approach things. We can never really predict the way things work, how fate establish itself to our life and how important others may become to us.
There are many of us, even myself, who let small emotional rut to rule their life and affect them so easily. I was in the same situation such as I have stated but so far I have not encountered another moment in which I let myself too deep into someone anymore as I was before with a particular person who was once always around, hovering in and out of my life, either to bring me so much happiness and much love or to just plainly disappoint and hurt me so much.
After that particular incident, I admit I was never the same again. I call it withdrawal from future pain or should I say it is a delay from future hurt? No matter what I know that I am still safe for now. I do not lay down my pride for anyone else anymore, apart from those who have really loved me so much such as my family and my old-time friends. With girls who have encountered such emotional damage from the one person that they have truly loved, please, I stress that you should never ever blame it to the love that you both shared. Things are meant to end when it is suppose to and love does not hurt. Feelings don’t hurt anyone unless you lose control of it. We are the masters of our emotions and we are much stronger using our mind despite having to be too practical.
You see feelings are not practical. Our feelings instruct us to do things that even though we know are wrong, we still carry them out. Let’s take for example Anger. It is never a good thing but why can’t we eradicate it? Also, let us compare the heart and the brain. Which one is bigger? The brain is it not? But why is it that if the heart itself cease working, the body dies. Also, why is it that when the brain has ceased functioning we are still alive? Really now, isn’t it all too confusing which one is really the most important?
So then I conclude this entry just by saying that the heart and the mind works in pair.
So when you are using too much of your heart, you are being a brain-dead. But when you are using too much of your head, you are just killing yourself. Makes sense?

icebox

then there are memories, this is crazy. things aint like the ways i use to know...
this time im ready to love again, so pls send me one special someone to comfort my bare heart and to make me believe that giving love is not something that is alien to me...
i have been in the path of memories which never fail to push emotions from the direction that im taking now.
no matter left or right, there are things which reminds me of how we used to be.
but i have to break free rom that. i have to even if it means i have to force myself.
then now, im certain that im ready to give my heart out to whoever will be able to melt my frozen heart.
my heart have been in that icebox and im wishing that someone take it out of there and fill it with warmth that i am really looking for.
if someone comes along, i'll be happy, if none, i'll just have to make sure that my heart will be preserve yet till someone do comes along.
i know there are people who wants to give me their all, but i refuse because i couldnt see that they are worth it.
well, i didnt say it was easy and i didnt say that im giving my heart away just like that.
no no no. it's more than that. and only the bravest, most galant knight will be able to rescue me.
lets just say that my heart is imprisoned in an icebox guarded by dragons and other shields, and only someone who really know my worth, who sees thru me will be able to defeat the dragons and shields that guards my heart.
so then who will be brave enough... who will take the risk... who would even try to enter my realm...
once again, tho im ready to love again, that does not mean my heart will be just there for anyone's taking.
if someone unworthy tries, i will just push myself deep within that icebox rather than be hurt again upon my second try...








i have no intentions to leave and i have no objections when u left,
but i have the intention to object that there is no more love left.
te quero mi querer...

MY WEEK

WOW.

The first week of school life has just come to past this afternoon.

This whole week was really hectic for me that i really just cant find the right mood to update my blog.

So far, my new school life in Republic is really a new concept. Instead of the normal module that every other polys touches on, RP goes by the problem based learning.

Everyday, we are given a problem based on the respective subject/module that we are to do that particular day.

And guess what? It makes my life full of PROBLEMS.

Gosh. IMAGINE, 5 DAYS A WEEK, ONE DAY ONE PROBLEM TO SOLVE.

then u times it by three years! IM FULL OF PROBLEMS!

But so far, i havent screw up any presentations this week.

Also, this 5 days are graded and are commented on latest 3 days after the module.

and so far my best score is A. =)) my worst is B.

I AIM TO KEEP IT THIS WAY ALL THRU.

my A was from the INTRO TO COMMUNICATION module.

it is a module whereby we have to make something out of recycled materials.

then we have to list out instructions to let our clients assemble it themselves=))

yeaps. i have five different modules actually.

1. MATHS & COMMUNICATIONS - computer progamming stuff. arrgh!cant it THIS right!

2. COGNITIVE PROCESSES & PROBLEM SOLVING

- more on researching to prove and find out more about the problem statement

3. BASIC SCIENCES 1 - all things about science lah. this week prob was about blood transfusions!

4. INTRO TO COMMUNICATIONS - ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS!

5. ENTERPRISE - about life after poly. yeps.



THIS WEEKEND, i wanna rest... THEN more problems next week. haiz.



OKAY. I HAVE GREAT NEWS! I HAVE A BABY BRO!!!!!!

:))

** anw, the guys at RP are not bad lah. the thing is, i havent seen the one who makes my head turn. lol. kiki oso says so... (she's my fren) hmms, we were bitching abt some ppl during lunch. lol. naughty us... :P anw, i have seen so far 2 hunks. but then 1 of them is a brain dead. really a DUMB BLOND. havent really seen the other guy after two days! shux! hahha. then again, some guys who i just find quite cute, ARE ATTACHED! haha. one fren was like telling me, ohs, he's my friend's boyfriend. i was like, shit! hahaha.

okay okay, im going now. im damn tired!! arrghh. till next time...

changes

there are many things that made my emotions grow stronger against going back to him.
a lot difference in opinions and ideas surges through me and i cannot overlook the fact that i had undergone another phase of which is the sign of really just letting go and moving forward, but there is still that love for him.
i wont deny that.
but now, things have been really good and tears rarely fall for him anymore.
no matter how much emotional my life can be, my smile just forces those woes to vanish.
i appreciate the many people who are entering my life and giving me the encouragement to be their reason to laugh and smile.
i have to uphold the label that these people are giving me - "the exciting one" .
im obviously flattered, no doubt. but how long can i even give a full smile.
but im sure these smiles will last and i have no fear to show my other side - my gloomy side.

if worst comes to worst, im prepared. but i wont let myself be distracted.
no more.
no way.
no thanks.
i have broken free and i will never let myself be imprisoned in whatever commitments that can just hurt me again.

im stubborn so i dont really learn my lesson, but i thank GOD that with my thick skull,
i manage to suck in some things that is taught to me by life.
**there is more to love than being in love.
i believe that with love, we can do so much, such as, letting go and moving forward.
being in love dont really let things grow.
so why cant we just love each other, and just stop being in love ?
get the meaning?
okay, if not, i shall elaborate ;
when u love someone, you want them to be happy and you can bear to lose them for the time being if that is what makes them really happy.
but, when u are IN LOVE with that person, you might only think that they want to move away from you cos they dont love you anymore.
that even tho they are not happy in the relationship, you still want to keep them and wont have enough love to set them free and fly away.

my motive is to let you know people, that i have moved far away from being in love.
now, i have that love for him.
that even tho i have someone else to hold me, i will still be there for him if he ever calls on me.
i will render my shoulders and my hugs.
i will give my all for him to just get over his crisis.

now i have to go.
the night is getting older.
the moon is passing by fast.
sleep is calling my presence.
i shouldnt resist it cos my lifestyle have change and will remain as so in months and years to come.

*loved.

about sch

yes, i am awake now. the time im starting to write this is 6.38am, Sunday.
the things that hindered me from sleeping that well is FEAR.
i shall not elaborate further cos i really dont want to scare myself now. no NO! tts the damn last thing i want to do.
anyways, in 24 hrs, i will be heading to school and i cant wait.
i may be meeting my new clique or maybe we'll just see each other in school!

okay, i really must admit this, i didnt really even think that i will really be happy coming to RP. but yes, i have long accepted that it is still an institute with educators. but my past thoughts dont matter now, i am enjoying myself and i can never really ask for so much more.
im anticipating something that i know i will get so fed up! :P

well, so far i have known a team of 21 people, forged quite a strong bond in our first day of meeting, and also, 20 odd students in my class too! those people are the ones that i will be seeing much more everyday!
okay, in a class, say my class, W24B (W2 is the blk, 4 is the level and B is the classroom label.)
so we consist of 25 people. 5 people in each team of 5. i happen to be in team two.
in my team - Me, Cherie (not st hildan), Keryn, Sean, Ammirza - with Ammirza not turning up on the first day of orientation.
but i know that my class rocks and i know that we will all bond so much that in the semester 2 when all have to split, it will be really saddening.
Split for what you ask? in RP, every semester, we have to change classroom and new teammates. :( if the next team suck then u just have to use a straw and make it happen. cos if you dont, then your grades will depend on it. :(

ONE MAJOR highlight !! On the last day of the orientation, i walked the damn man-made pond!!!
that is one of my firsts achievements..
like wth am i talking about? okay, there's this pebbled pond where you CANNOT walk across in ! then i asked the seniors, have anyone ever tried it yet. then they said NO of course.
so then i did and so did gusti. gusti = dom, so go figure. he was the one who walked with me on the pond. he said if i go, he will. :) and he did keep to his words. and then after that a few students followed!! then the campus security spoiled the fun!! hahhaa. yeahs, we got scolded (from afar), we ran off lah, then what? LOL.
but my clique is really spontaenous! :) there's a new comer tho, a vietnamese guy, kenneth. :)
my clique has 2 indon, 1 vietnamese, 1 malaysian grown sporean, and majority of singaporeans. duh! hahaha. but they are fun bunch :)

basically, i just cant wait to start school!!! :) weeee...

alrighty, ciaoz. the sun is up and i think i can slp now.
tc

lovee.

orientation stuff.

so i had what i had here within my mind, that there are lot of changes that are irreversible.
all i can do is to hope that one day it might.
then so again, i wonder if it will ever happen again. there are many things that i can learn from all these let-downs and all the things that taught me about living life properly.
but once again, i say goodbye to all this, i guess it isnt so important in years to come...

**there's more to love than being in love
a motto of which i still havent really thought about so much yet. but soon i will settle down to do so.

today was really fun.
i got to know a lot of spontaenous peeps. and also a lot of international students.
and guess what, so far, there isnt a Filipino student in RP just yet. uh huh! :)
okie, RP held a three day camp orientation.
yesterday was more to classroom stuff. today was about the campus stuff. so will tmr.
today was bored lah. but no matter, things turned out soo freaking cool.
so im in Team 16, not knowing anyone AT ALL...
then like a few minutes later, Ms talkactive in me, attracted a few girls and then a boy.
and then more and more came! and then almost the whole team. hahha.
then eventually, the entire 'COOL ONES' in the team skipped the whole orientation shit.
but seriously lah, no offence but our student leader, a year 2 or 3, didnt even like have initiative. but she's cool... tts about all really. we as a grp made the whole thing happening.
those who looked so sian ended up being those retarded ppl, LIKE ME!
the only thing was that, i didnt start off quiet! :) wahaha.
me? quiet? u gotta be nuts if im quiet...
anyways, meant a lot of new peeps lah. after skipping the orientation shit,
we had late lunch/early dinner at the campus foodcourt... lol.
so like it was me who wanted to eat first, then joann and then dom ended up so seduced to eat! lol. btw, joann and dom are indonesian. there were like four of us at first - me, dom, aliff, joann.
cos the rest wanna are in the other grp trying to make a NOT SO OBVIOUS disappearance. haha. they joined us later on - eileen, dinesh and all.
but in all of those i can name i will name them and just say WELCOME TO MY WORLD :)

but just now, i split myself to two grps. the guys' and the girls'...
went with dom and aliff mostly lah.. but then the group got bigger!! hahahaha. cool shit.
they are really a happening bunch. cant wait to see them tmr. lol.

oh yes, gtg slp now. tmr meeting dom they all tmr at 830am at woodlands control station. ahhaa. i wont be late i hope ;)

tho i am like soooo happy, i cant help but say this, I MISS YOU ALL BATCH OF 2006 SHSS.

lovelovelove,
jean devine.
ciaoz.

days

okay, so since sunday i was just so low life.
meaning i didnt have anything so BIG nor special to inform.

monday, i stayed home sleeping away in the afternoon. besides, i was too sick to even think of going out.
so tts just one of the reason why i wasnt up to go to Im's place for dvd day.
**yeahs. we are somehow in talking terms now. he broke the ice so it's fine with me. he was the one who wanted to go anyways. but we arent as close. i dont think it is even necessary.

then just end up talking to kaiwen all thru the wee hours of the night.
he was with his sister and they were really very entertaining.. we are on the webcam and i was really laughing like mad just talking to them over the msn.
so i end up sleeping at 5 am lah.
**and so another restless day!!

so tuesday, i woke up at like 1 plus to meet nurul.
initially, we were suppose to like meet at my blk at like 2pm.
then when dude told me that he got busy today, i was like wth lah.
**told him ready dont make plan. but it's okie... he kinda make up for it cos of the way he portrayed himself. =)
then i felt funny so i made THE call.
** dude didnt question what i meant. but anyways, i did so to a friend too.

today, i went for orientation! it was really fun! wahahaha!
meant a lot new people and then the facilitator, Preman was like fun too... no matter how much he claim he's lame. LOL
i like the fact like everyone tend to find each other thru msn lah.
and no matter what it is, it's just hilarious not knowing how to like log in to the VPN.
*talk about lame hilarity!
but i made some new friends and im soo gonna make more.
knowing me, i think at the end of the semester even the canteen lady will be my friend. LOL
but i really feel soo pinched looking at the old aged workers lah.
it just pains me to see them. arrgh.
i soo am not goonnnna go to food haven 1st floor. haha.
haiz. i saw a thin old man working there and i really cannot stand seeing old people work!!!

okay, i need to shut up now. i want to go prepare my things for tmr.
another two days of fun fun fun!!!
:)


** P.S. thanks abg for being the first to pick me up from school today.
i cant wait for tmr so that i can spend ur money!!! wahahahha.

okays, ciaoz.


love love love!!

rivermaya

**RIVERMAYA - LEAD SINGER'S SEXAY!! LOVEE BLANCO!!! ARHHH!!!!





**MY COUSIN'S A CAMWHORE LIKE ME!!! HEEESS...

**ADDICTION RAWK THE HOUSE DOWN!!! COOOLLL!!

IM IN LOVE

with

RICO BLANCO

of

RIVERMAYA!

*** he's just soooo sexy to me!!! arrrhhh!!!! wooo hooo...

we are just one in the soul but we are different in many other things.

how can i make you feel the way you used to when you wont let me...

but now i see the boundaries but i dont feel it, so what am i suppose to do?

i love you more as much as i use to do everyday...

** my love for you is sooo insatiable.

OMG. you would like never believe that i JUMPED the whole 3 hours to the rock bands!!!

no wonder i sooo wanna rest my feet!!! 3pm-7pm imagine??? =))

but i enjoyed it man!!!! wooo hoooo!!

loveee....

PEACE AT LAST

continuation of the PREVIOUS ENTRY.

i was smiling and im smiling as i write this... but it isnt as broad as just now lah.
it was like reliving the days that i am crushing on him. gosh. and then reliving our memories of just having some talks.
my heart just beat sooo hard. from my house all thru till his house.
then i saw him lying down on the floor and then rain.
i didnt see kukong so i kinda wake him up and ask. BUT I JUST HAVE TO SAY THIS!
i hate that tattoo on him! gosh. okay anyways, i still say it is NOT REAL!!!
arrggh. nvm. but i lost my right in him lah. arrrgh. ** i wish i wish it isnt real.
okay anyways, after not talking with him for sucha long time, and after him having to stomach avoiding me, WE ARE OKAY. =)
**i rather have you as my friend than not have you in my life at all... =))

anyways, it was really very nice to like really talk to him again and have the peace that i so long for. and i get to tell him some things that i want to say. esp about It.
and also the question that i just so want to know. it came out so randomly lah... i thought i didnt dare cos like of what happened and all. and him avoiding me.. like finally =)
then i kinda told him and reprimanded him about avoiding me and all lah...
but the saying bye for the day was kinda weird for me lah. cos as usual i will kiss him or he kiss me on the cheeks. but like sooo weird lah. we just say "bye" then i straight away walk off. haha.
**haiya but he never say about the girl leh. haiz. nvm. i think soon he will... like he denying only. tst. haiya i also cant be bothered lah. im just so happy that we are finally talking again.
so means he have somehow forgiven me? i hope lah. he is forgiving lah i know but he took sooo long to stop avoiding me i thought it will be a few years more till he stop it lah.

arrgh but the tattoo is still itching me the wrong way lah. hahaa. then i was like "WHY U PUT SEY!"
then i will say, "haiya nvm lah.. ur body right. nvm. haiz"
after that i will ask him again why he put. then i think he got annoyed he shouted to rain, "eh boy, sound her sikit why i put" ... alah, i know lah i know lah! no need to slap it in my face lah.
*oh but i wanna hear and see about the girl... see if she's okay lah. but he like soo denying lah...
then he was like complaining after she call. i know it was her lah cos he talk differently to other girls. i KNOW... please, i read him like a book...

oh and about the question, he was still concerned and that's why i think he's worth it. =)
i cant believe that despite it all, he still do care...
thanks mi amor. LO SIENTO

that's all i can say and all that i want to say...
so like the 5 or 6 of us are gonna go out this tuesday... i hope it happens. cant wait! =)

sooo the day is good and so the day is worthwhile.

**an ounce of actions is a ton of theory**

this is really a good qoute cos today, i went all out to fix us =)
and i hope this peace lasts. =)))

loved.

P.S. nurul and i will be seeing RIVERMAYA concert tmr.

ciaoz!

HIDAYAH BDAE CELEB

i cant stop smiling today. kecik knows and she saw me smiling a lot today =)
BUT......... i want to talk about yesterday FIRST!

and first of all i want to say,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HIDAYAH DEAR!!!

**like finally she turned 17. my lil sister's all grown up. tho she's still one year short till being legal. but wth. she deserve credits. =))
the place we went to celebrate her birthday was at vivo 3rd storey play area.
GOSH!!! so malu lah. but it was really fun!!!

okay so first thing in the morning, tho i was still feeling sick!!! (until now i am sick!!), i went to hajar's place to cook her favourite dish. it came out okay, tho it wasnt really as good as my mum's but we ate it like nobody's busines. SO I PASS THE COOKING EXAM!!! =))
but poor hidayah, she was also as sick i was. but she was having the flu, i was having fatigue so yeahs...
it was really hilarious lah. hajar asked mei ling to buy the pasta and the potato.
this mei ling thought hajar asked her to buy potato CHIPS!! wtf.
so like when mei ling called me and all, i was wondering ytf did hajar ask ling to get potato CHIPS?
kecik and i was agreeing that if we put ling and hajar together, they will make the best bimbo club! =)) **ohhh yes it's true!!
so like otw there, all four of us are cooking up pranks in our dirty lil minds. the prank was like sooo impromptu!!! **wahahahhaaha!!!
okay, we were like telling hidayah that we are going to west coast and that she had to be blindfolded cos we were giving her a surprise.
so "we were suppose to take the shuttle bus to west coast" at vivo there.
the good thing is that she dont even know where the hell is that place. the other three were just like supporting my prank all through. cool shit! love them!!!
haaha. then after reaching harbourfront mrt, i blindfolded hidayah. made her turn three rounds and then we made her walk, holding my hands and hajar's, while ling take the video and nurul carrying the foodstuff!
so okay when we enter vivo basement 3, she was like saying "DUDE, WE'RE INSIDE VIVO! I KNOW HOW IT SMELL LIKE OKAY!" lol.
so i had to think of something! then i decided to just enter thru the carpark and go to the other entrance... like we were telling her that we are on the road and that she need to be careful of all the cars.
so i signalled to kecik and ling to get the cake... and then later we entered at L entrance.
then we took a stair up after taking a lift at lobby C. then before exiting to the third floor, i saw a pair of used gloves on a tin of paint! lol.
later on, WE GOT HIDAYAH TO WEAR IT!!!! ** like eww but it is a prank after all.
so like she was still blindfolded and all, then later on, when we exit, we made her enter the pool and then later on we got her to sit on the yellow figure stuff in the mid of the pool and ask her to wait there cos "i wanted to take my slippers"
later, we sat at the opposite side after running ard thinking should we hide frm her completely or just get ourselves seating on the opposite "land" of the pool?
then we decided not to be so bad and horrid. she was like sooo obidient la! she didnt take off her blindfold. lol.

she was just sitting down in the mid of the huge thing where everyone was like looking at her and all. plus,she was under the scorching sun!!! **bad bad sisters.

later we called her hp to tell her to loosen her blindfold. but cos of her gloves, she cant picit the phone properly. lol. after that she got so pissed she took it off and then just loosen her blindfold.
gosh gosh!!! she was like sooo freaked lah!! lol
then she slowly made her way thru the pool to us, then we each gave her hugs and kisses!!!
**muacks muacks hidayah! fer the prank... the sisters had great laughs!!!
so like we went to another place outside the RED, WHITE AND PURE shop. and we execute our makan makan there!!! =))
then after like 1 hour or so, we went to look for a place to slack the whole day till dusk.
we went to the sisters' fave hang out at pacific coffee co. but it was damn packed!
so then we scouted till something just pulled me to BROTZEIT!!! **a german restaurant =))

AND THEN THERE'S THE CUTE WAITER LAH!!! hahahhahahahahha.
i flirted, he flirted. then we made eye contacts and then i look away, and then he raised his eyebrows and then i look away. then he smile, then i smile back.
then we took pictures with my laptop cam and then he walked towards us and then he just looked at me. then he just looked....
** when we were like ordering, he lingered so long and he was just looking. i felt like asking WTF. CAN U JUST ASK ME FOR MY DAMN NO. wahahhahaa... i freaking flirted lah. even the sisters cant stand it. lol. they were like saying, WHY HE KEEP COMING. ASK LAH YOUR NO. OR WHAT!! wahahha. lol.
but then we exchanged names. lol. his name? Nidus. *i hope it is the right spelling.
his a nepalese or something... at first he said he was German. i believed cos of his accent...
DAMN SEXY LAH. ahahahha. and his eyes damn hot! =)) heeeess.

okay then after that restaurant... we went to the first floor hang out just beside the sea. then we slacked there till we finished the food.
then hajar and hidayah acted drunk. and it was really retarded lah.. send each other songs, to and from my laptop until i ran out of battery.
after that, we went to the 3rd floor again to PLAY WATER. damn paiseh lah but we just heck care about what others thought.
gosh gosh. RESULT? all of us got wet... then we used the handicap toilet with all five of us inside.
**jahat betol lah. like everyone stipped there lah. lol

OVERALL!!! it was damn crazy!!! and here are the pics!!!!

this first four pics are the successful ones we took. the last one is not cos we moved to fast b4 the cam captured us. lol.





and there's more!!!






then at brotzeit, i did cam whoring!!

THEN THERE'S MORE BUT LING WILL BE LOADING IT AT OUR BLOG. http://www.blackdiamondqueens.blogspot.com

okAay. so i will have to like end this entry. THE ONE im smiling about is on the next entry. =)

what my dreams shows

today as i wake up, i realise that i didnt have you in it. then as i think back again, repetitions of it means that i have figured out what is the meaning of it. i have researched about it and also made sure that it is true.

so then i think now, so it's true of what must be done in due of it.

i have to tell kecik about this. and today, it is really way too much, it shows me a lot of things - words, meetings and more words.

before i went to it, i said my intentions and then so it happened and it has been fulfilled.

so as the morning comes as of now, i sit awake typing this blog.
i have a very important mission today - to cook hidayah her favourite dish and to make sure i can summon all the energy i have left so far these days.
and then i have to tell kecik about it.
i bet she will be creeped out but i know she will understand, she is somehow one the only persons so far who knows about all this It.
i dont know what else to do but to make sure that it happens as soon as possible.
and so if it is APPROVE by the heavens, then so it MUST HAPPEN.
but yes, im still waiting for enough encouragement. i dont know how it will go and how it will start even, but i have told khim about it thru the thoughts. =)

so then i begin a new chapter of the whole entire events of my life thru doing what i know it is trying to get me to do.
life - is still a rollercoaster ride and it still brings you to the pasts of your life.

so then how would it be if i act in favour of someone i dont even know the character of.

and then how i would feel if ever he just throw away the memories in due of her.

though it isnt really my way, i just have to walk on the ways that i am being shown now.

after it is done, then things will be revolving about this only.

after which im back on track of things.

this is just the rocky path in which i have to make sure i go thru along on with enough hopes that fate will be good to me.

love,

me

lovee...

to you once again

i dont know what's worst, to not have you with me completely or to keep hearing that you havent forgotten about US but we cant be together again.
that somehow you still think that it is an impossible goal now.
i dont quite agree. if you really can prove yourself to me, i will be happy to give us another try...
im always like that, whether in relationship or friendship wise, im quite generous with chances.

when he told me all the things you said, i admit that i wanted to just run to you and make things right.
but then if anything happen we will regret it. i KNOW we will.
no matter how much i still ache for you, i believe that our time is not now.
and if we survive through it all, we are worth it and then you will know how fated we really are.
im not saying that we really are, apart from those premonitions i have about you, i still want to see if it is really so...
but once again, i say it here, IM SORRY I HAD TO LEAVE.
it isnt because i didnt love you mi amor.
i did and will always do.

so the worst isnt the worst, there's more to come.
what if i have met my real competition in him. yes he can cant get over the memories but what if this is the girl who can make him just truly forget me.
i mean for him i will be happy, but what about for me? well i will feel shitty for a while but then as usual with me, i will adjust to the stimuli.
but then a very good friend and GOD do witness to what i said.
if whatever it is, i will know what to do...
** i pray for courage and for the chance to go well with.

but i know that through it all, we can pass this. we can just have our own moment again.
i meet you in my dreams quite frequent of the late. sometimes, it is me pulling away.
sometimes, it is him pulling away.
then there are times that we both just succumb to it.
but i really do miss you...
and i do understand now that it is hard for you to be my friend.
but till when can you stomach me? till when.

**i just need to hold you again in my arms.
but then again, i dont want to make you be in sucha shitty dilemma.
next time, we'll have our time again my love. **

love love love

last ladies' night.

i dont even know why the fuck i still want to blog about my night now!
im currently fuking dizzy and i fuking still stink of booze tho i have freshen up..
and my room too smell of booze... then i smell my shirt ( a fresh one! ) then at least i can smell the nice body cologne that i put on after i freshen up.

FUCK! today i realise that i fuking made myself portrayed as a damn player lah.
arrgghh! im so not lah okay. anyways, me and her went to bumblez. like our all-time fave club spot.
i did my usual hi kisses to those i know and all. i intro her to my other new frens. like she was so MIA from our usual haunts lah. but it is good that we relish in this opportunity and all.
so fast forward, she found her acquintance during the afternoon event she was telling me abt.
then after that her friends joined us on the dancefloor. ariff, rio, yan.
so like after so long of dancing in a pair, we danced as a grp. 3 guys and 2 girls.
so like one guy felt so left out. kinda felt bad but then it went like that for quite sometimes when i realise that i should nt be like just reserving myself with yan. like so not fair for rio so i decided like to dance with him since yan wanna take a rest.
so like i was dancing with rio and all then we like exchanged stories.
the big diff between rio and yan? yan is more to the "live today,die tmr" kinda guy, which is even for an acquintance is so turn off.
yan is intellectual sorta person. i communicate with him better as he has taken a diploma in IT.
so he interest me more ALTHOUGH i must admit that yan is a fuking good dancer.
yes yes. but then again. it's just acquintance.
anyways, in the midst of knowing more about these acquintance, i saw a hi-bye guy fren, barison, with lisa, a girl in school who graduated a year before me.
thought they were like together but then i found out that they arent.
lisa is someone that i have misjudge as i dont really even think of mixing with her last time.
she's just too different to me... then now like i realise that it is just a misunderstanding.
(SHE WILL BE FUKING PIERCE MY DAMN TONGUE)
**i hope i get around to doing so! lol

okay, so all thru the whole clubbing stuff, i was like "torn" between the two buggers.
like i see yan has been like looking at me and rio in a weird way.
the last thing i want is to like have a stupid fight there at bumblez AGAIN!
okay, they are like sane enough so nothing happened. kewl!
she, on the other hand, was like "torn" with her fren and our another hot guy fren who works there lah.
then later i lay at the VIP lounge again. i was like damn dizzy again. too much booze within the hours! (and here i am still up and typing away)
**im like saying AGAIN cos i did that like another time like weeks ago before i took a month break from clubbing.

she was at the lounge herself going "huggish" with the hot guy, Basith.
haha. too bad i was there to interrupt! lol

okay about the two buggers, i juggle dancing with both till the end that i ended up finish the last dance with rio.
barison came saying that i owe him a dance.
i would rather just go dance with him than just keep having to juggle the two buggers. lol
but they are a happening threesome of guys. =))
ariff, rio and yan. really happening!
but anyways, i didnt get to dance with barison. he was looking for lisa.
then so the club closes, shooed away all the party animals and yeahs, everyone made plans.
then the threesome guys went off to another group of girls. (i heard fhm girls)
GOOD GRACE. like they really know how to be happy. haha.
so like we didnt get tied down with them. ariff was like telling the rio and yan ( lol i think they like wana get back at me lah. like who the fuk care lah. haha. i still just want to be in contact with rio due to his IT background and i am sure that he will make a nice friend. THAT'S ALL )
that to hurry along with their getting to know the fhm girls or somewhat. (dunno if fhm leh.. like dont look like It leh.)
anyways, we were already with barison and arwin.
i soo dont fuking mind lah. barison is my neighbour, at least i got somebody to go home with.
then the threesome guys didnt follow up. i and her couldnt be bothered lah.
we are so like better off with my guy friends. dunno leh, but i honestly think that my guy friends are really like kewl! =)
so like we had to walked like shit just to withdraw $$ for food and transport.
fuking make my legs ache like shit lah. *sorree for the profanities. cant help it.
then arwin paid for everything. cab fare to simpang bedok, food and cab fare back to pasir ris.
arwin sent her off first and then fetched us from simpang and then head to pasir ris.
we slacked at sea shell cos it was still quite early lah.
i head home before the sun rises. (as usual)

today, during the clubbing part, i fuking just got so emo also.
she knows it too lah fuk. like all the damn songs of techno that she know i will terasa one was like played out loud lah. (everytime we touch, listen to your heart, bad boy... whatever fuk lah.)
esp EVERYTIME WE TOUCH!! but whatever, i still had to stick to the promise ;

TO HAVE A FREAKING GOOD TIME!

aaaannnnndddd it was MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

thankz to, of course,

1. HER.
2. THREESOME GUYS
3. BARISON, LISA AND ARWIN


let me emo for a while k....

**then how would it be if i have found my match?
should i be worried or should i just see what fate has in store.
if it is really meant to be, things will happen right...
but then what if fate is too late. what if everything is erased and all have been said and done.
how do i cope if i cant get over you. how do i say how i feel without having to spoil a blossoming feeling?
how do i wish to have you in my arms if there are that "what ifs" there.
oh fate oh please be kind. i promise myself i wont whine... **

-like freaking hell i gtg now. my head is really spiinnning now.
cioaz.

love love love.

p.s. i just picked up a kol from jas asking where i am and if i wana meet!
that he's like going to meet daryl. wtf. IM AT HOME ALREADYYYY! haha.
okies lah...

loveee.

letter to the first love

so i woke up, called nurul to confirm that we arent meeting.
then before i log in on blogger, jas called me. he told me i have to call him as it was urgent.
then anyway, even tho my prepaid load is low but i did call back.
it was just minutes ago that he was telling me how his drinking session went.
and as i type away, i dont know how to feel right now.
i really feel like crying at having to find out a lot of things... no no no.
it's not a bad thing.. but it is just something that me and *amor have gotten caught up with.
(jas! u just have to make me so pasra when i just awoke from my dreams of amor )
and yes, i dreamt of *amor just now, tho im not going to detail it out here.
just that it is something got to do with what jas told me just now.

*amor (u know who u are) ,
i dont know what to feel except i know that i am really touched...
i feel honoured of what you said to jas. i really feel like just running to you now and just forgetting that i had to leave you. but no, i just have to restrain myself.
i know you will be very confuse if i do so... besides, now you have that girl anticipating you on already asking her to be your girl.
i understand, even tho i still love you. but that should be the way.
we should have real space to grow from.
you need to be with other ladies to realise my worth. and realise how much you still know me.
there are memories that can never leave us, yes, but i rather have you in my life as just a friend than not having you here at all.
i, myself is looking out for new lovers and yes i wont deny that it's our memory that keeps me from loving another person.
but im getting over that part. just as somehow you are.
then again, why do i have this heavy feeling that this shouldnt be the way?
that we are just hurting ourselves so much just being apart?
that we are just tiring ourselves trying so hard to ignore each other.
i still feel you and i know that you do too..
thank you for remembering everything. i appreciate that im being remembered.
and i didnt leave you just cos you know that you treated me bad.
but then think of it, you are the best friend to me.
the one that i can call on to when i need someone.
the one who tolerated my insane way of enjoyment.
just stop hating me cos you're afraid of the memories. make new ones mi amor.
with me as a friend. if we can help it... or with another person.
i hope that new girl will treat you right. cos if she hurt you so willingly, she will get it bad.
well, i know you might not find it in your heart to treat her as much as you treated me, but at least let her have a consolation for having want to try out with you.
this is all i have to say for now...
te quero siempre mi amor.
lo siento for everything...

to all,
it hurts when you have to try so hard to just let go.
but then why let go? if you think that you should let go, then just let things be...
i have seen lovers continouosly hurt themselves cos they want to be apart and they cant.
then there are lovers who wants to be with each other but they cant.
also, there are lovers whose heart calls each other's name but both of them just fight what their hearts' needs.
i dont know what suits you ppl, but to me, no matter how much you try to let go, just stop.
if it's time and it's meant to be then you will realise that you have finally let go.
or if it isnt so, you and him are just meant to be. who knows where it might lead on to?

*what a start of my day! soooo jiwang! jassss!!!!! you idiot. lol. but i love ya sista gay...
and i really did laugh when you told me that you were so pasra yourself when he was telling you things. and that you wanted to hug him bad. lol. very entertaining...


love love love

cant sleep

the firsts thing i want you all to do is to look at the time of my previous entry and the time of this entry...
i swear i wish for sleeping pills right now!!

i thought that i was already asleep just now but then i was mistaken.
after i posted that the previous entry, i lay down, switch off all the songs.
then surprisingly jas dear called, he was impersonating a police officer and he was telling me that im to come down to the police station for raping a guy i call sista gay! lol
i was in the "ok-dude-i'll-play-along" mood.. so yeahs. up till the part where i just have to cut the whole conversation of lame impersonations.
he was telling me that he was waiting for daryl and ryan to finish getting ready - they are going for some drinking session! he said, "wanna drink? confirm ur headache gone one"
wtf. i wish...
**im drinking tmr (hmms i mean tonight) but i swear i wont be drunk. no no no! never again.

then i switch off my phone and i slept! (i wasnt asleep! i was continually forcing myself to!)

okay anyways, i was in bed at 2plus when i realise that i really cant force myself to sleep anymore.
so i went to the toilet, freshen up and then i thought i can like sleep straight.
WHERE THE FUK IS MY SANDMAN!
i couldnt sleep lah! (im still wishing for sleeping pills.)
so upon surrendering to being awake, i switched on my hp, then it vibrated. i had a message.
"you're nt clubbing tonight ryt?" WTF.
i already told my kuzin that im sick and then he still ask me if im going clubbing or nt.
(**kuz, sometimes u can really be a blockhead!)
i didnt reply him at all lah. im frustrated enough to even reply anyone at all lah.
after reading his msg, i switched it off again.

then so here i am in the darkness of my room at 3plus am in the wee hours of the night, like a damn fool, im typing away in this blog.
i wonder how the hell am i going to survive when school starts.
GOD help!

i think i really need a bed buddy. -im going to log off now. im starting to yawwwnnn!

okie ciaoz. love love love!

my day

i stayed home today.
i didnt get to go out as planned. i was supposed to meet up with yani.
the one that i said i would be meeting. someone from the past.
imagine lah, 3 years then she finally find me. that's how long she went M.I.A !
and she still hasnt forgotten me... and i still havent forgotten her.
eerr it's starting to sound all wrong. ohs heck! but then anyways, its too bad we cant meet.
i just have to have a major flu! sucks! so i rested like a damn pig.
i will be sleeping very soon.
after i post this i guess.

anyways, i will be having my first ladies' night after 3 weeks!
plus! i will be hanging with HAJAR!! i freaking miss clubbing with her!
love love! haha. As was like "besok confirm boring " ... i was like.. NO WAY.
haha. so i rattled on saying that with me and hajar, we will never be bored. haha.
then he said, " tak besok boring cos i takde! " wth. lol. (to gf! funny u but u tak tau malu =P )
okie anyway, the weeks of mine had been planned! like hell.. not bad lah.
but then the boys, jas, daryl, ryan and maybe dani, wont be coming along.
maybe just jas. daryl will be working on friday.
anyways, tomorrow, club plan as usual.
thursday, i will be meeting nurul and then maybe visit our godmum. been long man!
friday, we will be going out to celebrate hidayah's birthday! my lil baby is turning 17 this saturday! =))
then at first nurul and i thought that we could thon with the boys after that, but too bad cant!
then maybe on tuesday... i wonder if i still have that SIT cypher camp. like they havent even called me up lah. I WANT MY $10 BACK! if there aint no camp whatsoever.
one reason why we cant is cos daryl wont be free. haiz. like we are like accomodating his schedule. oh wells, what are friends for? :))
hhhmmms... so saturday is rest day.. if sunday there will be camp!! if not, then thon again! =))

i love my life! hahahaha. but i also got to watch out. i have been sick for two days now.
so i gtg and rest!!
ciaoz fer now. love love love!!!






++ i still have you in mind no matter how i tried.
how do i erase you from this memory and just push you completely aside.
but then again, no, i dont want to push you aside.
i love the dreams of you and i thank life for still having you in my life. ++

baking cookies

i slept at 6plus
( the product of talking to another night creature!! ezzy dude. haha... he got me to turn on my webcam and then he didnt let me switch it off up till like 6plus in the morn!! then we hung up and i slept after. but i kept waking up so yeahs... )

then As buruk had to work overtime or something! haiz.. didnt get to go out with him as planned. ( kan org dah rindu then u liddat! haha. but i understand aites. u go gf!! )
i guess it's cos the sisters needed my presence at the small cookies-making gathering...
lol. nahh.. i didnt really help out much... but then i saw hajar damn stressed so i decided to help in the end...
all the way before i helped, i was like goofing around online with my good friends... haha.
chatted with my godsister, godbro and then my clown fren, kaiwen.. err no no, he's my personal consultant.. haha.
then the sisters ( hid, haj and mira ) got tooo stressed doing the cookies thingy so they joined me!
was like goofing ard with kaiwen as the entertainee... haha. lol.
he was like watching three bee yotch playing around.... lol. mira was at hajar's living room desktop. we were at her room on my laptop.
i had a hilarious day lah.. but really tiring too.
and im still awake! gosh i really need a bed buddyy!!! anyone wants to take the position?
MUST HAVE COMFY ARMS AND CHEST!
lol. okay enuff of my damn nonsense..

sisters !!! i had fun!

As... ! u owe me.. bluek!

okay ppl... gosh the damn song just have to make me emoo....
urrggghhhh.... my heart! ( wtf )

ooohhh and i just have to say it here.
SOMEONE FROM THE PAST FOUND ME FINALLY!!!
gosh i really have missed you lah sista! i cant wait for tmr!!!!
gosh gosh!!! i really need to see ya now!! we got loads to talk about.

OMG.
i realised that im missing alot of ppl now lah... haha.
gosh. school's starting...!!! im partly nervous and also excited!!!!

love love love

mr sandman

okay, so im still awake now.
so? big deal. there are like a lot of other ppl still awake now. right?
haha. okay, i know that i should not still be awake right now. but damn it,
i spent the whole day sleeping.
im feeling a lil bit guilty that im not even asleep yet at this time of the night.
when i woke up from a huge rest just now, i just had to get up, freshen up, watch some retardedly hilarious movie, and then hit the net.
then i ended up watching a dvd PRIME. ( i so need to return this dvd to hIM already and get back my cds from him too. )
anyways, before watching the movie, i was chatting with fyz and then i just had to switch on my webcam and i was goofing around as usual.
showing her all my stuff toys... then after that she had to say goodbye cos she's going to be talking to her mr eyecandy... sigh. i want an eyecandy too... or maybe just a mr sandman!!
haha... anybody want to be my sleeping buddy? p.s. you have to be single and open-minded.
hahaha. i sound so pervertic. like shit. anyways, the movie i just saw was so heart warming.
kinda sorta... i dont know. haha. i just feel that i need to start school soon.
ideas just keep rushing in on me. even tho im not really into having a relationship now but im like having thoughts of why not have a relationship now? like would it even make a diff if i hold it 3 years later.
would it matter if i were to have the relationship now or later... if it's fated i cant run from it right? so yeahs.
i guess if i do ever encounter a choice whether to jump into a relationship then i shall consider.
hmmms, i shall see about the situation...
but i still think that im jinx!
after my previous relationship with daryl... im starting to think that im jinxed...
like even though i have a chance to have someone really sweet and nice, something just wont happen. like gosh. help me?? anyone!
=) but im keeping my options open... maybe the jinx might not be a jinx after all.
maybe it's just not meant to be... like i really just have to find myself first.
haha. okay, i gtg hit the bed before mr sandman leaves me again.
okie okie. im gone!
ciaoz!

love love love!

sick day

sick as a puppy today lah...
im now in bed still just taking a break from sleeping... i havent eaten from just now.
i guess im going to be visiting the kitchen in a moment.
i just feel sooo weak now. and im so overly fatigue stricken...
couldnt even come for work today... poor feroz have to call for a replacement.
anyways, i think i have to resume to my sleeping mode now.
take care.

something that i realise

okay so i got my laptop today. then i just had to sleep well. now i cant even slp cos i practically just cant. i have sleeing problem. gosh. where is my mr sandman??
i think there is traffic over the clouds. i use to sleep a lot but that was like years ago.
then i had my time to actually have a sleeping buddy. he made me sleep like a pig. haha.. then i forgot which is the pillow that made me sleep so much. dunno lah. i think i lost that pillow like since i dunno lah. okay, that's not important. i have to see a doctor soon. and i hope that this upcoming week, i can redevelope a new sleeping pattern. cos honestly, i will die if this insomnia really just gets worst.

i shall plan my whole work-free week great lah..
monday, i hope that i can meet As. been quite long since we meet up lah.
(and yes, i really missed you lah gf!!! haha.)
tuesday, no plan currently. maybe i want to ask all the sisters to meet up.
wednesday, maybe resting like shit in the morning till afternoon then im going with laura babe for some last ladies' night out.
thursday, rest day... i think.
friday, the last day i can thon out so i guess i will just take advantage of it.
saturday, rest...
sunday report to rp for the cypher camp...

yawns.
okay, i just want to try to sleep now.
im really damn tired but i cant seem to sleep.
i need mr sandman!!!!

anways, i wrote a poem today...
here it goes,

a tear for your selfishness,
a smile for your devotion,
a hatred for your stubborness
a love for your compassion.

with every tear there's happiness,
with every smile there's sorrow,
with every hatred there's love,
and with every love there's tomorrow...

p.s. if there's ever that day for our moments again, i hope we'll know how to cherish each other this time.
our love for each other will survive everything if it is meant to be.
our friends know that. but i promise you, you need not be bogged down by me anymore again...
at least for now.... (winks winks)

nurul, jas .... thanks for making me start to be honest with my feelings for him.
i appreciate that. really. without you guys, i dont think that i can even realise that my love for him is still within me.
nurul, i took your example in showing your real feelings.
i love you guys..