letter to the first love

so i woke up, called nurul to confirm that we arent meeting.
then before i log in on blogger, jas called me. he told me i have to call him as it was urgent.
then anyway, even tho my prepaid load is low but i did call back.
it was just minutes ago that he was telling me how his drinking session went.
and as i type away, i dont know how to feel right now.
i really feel like crying at having to find out a lot of things... no no no.
it's not a bad thing.. but it is just something that me and *amor have gotten caught up with.
(jas! u just have to make me so pasra when i just awoke from my dreams of amor )
and yes, i dreamt of *amor just now, tho im not going to detail it out here.
just that it is something got to do with what jas told me just now.

*amor (u know who u are) ,
i dont know what to feel except i know that i am really touched...
i feel honoured of what you said to jas. i really feel like just running to you now and just forgetting that i had to leave you. but no, i just have to restrain myself.
i know you will be very confuse if i do so... besides, now you have that girl anticipating you on already asking her to be your girl.
i understand, even tho i still love you. but that should be the way.
we should have real space to grow from.
you need to be with other ladies to realise my worth. and realise how much you still know me.
there are memories that can never leave us, yes, but i rather have you in my life as just a friend than not having you here at all.
i, myself is looking out for new lovers and yes i wont deny that it's our memory that keeps me from loving another person.
but im getting over that part. just as somehow you are.
then again, why do i have this heavy feeling that this shouldnt be the way?
that we are just hurting ourselves so much just being apart?
that we are just tiring ourselves trying so hard to ignore each other.
i still feel you and i know that you do too..
thank you for remembering everything. i appreciate that im being remembered.
and i didnt leave you just cos you know that you treated me bad.
but then think of it, you are the best friend to me.
the one that i can call on to when i need someone.
the one who tolerated my insane way of enjoyment.
just stop hating me cos you're afraid of the memories. make new ones mi amor.
with me as a friend. if we can help it... or with another person.
i hope that new girl will treat you right. cos if she hurt you so willingly, she will get it bad.
well, i know you might not find it in your heart to treat her as much as you treated me, but at least let her have a consolation for having want to try out with you.
this is all i have to say for now...
te quero siempre mi amor.
lo siento for everything...

to all,
it hurts when you have to try so hard to just let go.
but then why let go? if you think that you should let go, then just let things be...
i have seen lovers continouosly hurt themselves cos they want to be apart and they cant.
then there are lovers who wants to be with each other but they cant.
also, there are lovers whose heart calls each other's name but both of them just fight what their hearts' needs.
i dont know what suits you ppl, but to me, no matter how much you try to let go, just stop.
if it's time and it's meant to be then you will realise that you have finally let go.
or if it isnt so, you and him are just meant to be. who knows where it might lead on to?

*what a start of my day! soooo jiwang! jassss!!!!! you idiot. lol. but i love ya sista gay...
and i really did laugh when you told me that you were so pasra yourself when he was telling you things. and that you wanted to hug him bad. lol. very entertaining...


love love love