looksee

i dont know if i had in-built caffeine in my bloodstream, it really gets irritating i couldnt even get to a sleeping mode.
so here i am, decided to blog and finally my usb device has worked for my hp, so means i can upload all the pictures i took today.
which was actually my rehearsal day for tmr's minor BIG event.
in due 12 hours or so, i will be up and about, getting ready for the halloween celebration.
and i just realized that i cannot, yet again, upload the pictures i took today over at blog.
lately, blog picture uploads been really sucha piss off.
can't even upload ONE. wth is happening, i know not!

well, i guess my readers will have to make do with the words written over at this blog.
in this case lately, i dun really know how much readers i have.
despite my last attempt to even bother, i realized that it is futile to even care.
why? cos eventually i will just end up moving to another blog type or url.
which i so often done in my blog years. lol
however, im keeping jeanath.blogspot.com because i want to :)
not because i want to be flooded with readers, both wanted or unwanted alike.
jeanath - the combination of my name and his' - is actually quite nicely put.

soooo anyway, reverting back to the picture upload woes, i found a better alternative.
also by google... picasa web album! yey, so here are the pictures of what i might be looking like for tmr's halloween extravanza! hihihihihi (an imitation of a hag's laughter ;))

in ascending order of preparedness (:

well, more pictures coming up soon.
for now, i think i'm getting sleepy.
need to wake up early for shenath's (quite) big day tmr!
im sure you'll do fine darling (:

love diabetics bid adieu
darling, i know it's still quite far...
for us to sit and relax.
i'm sure time will pass fast,
and we'll we fine soon at last :)
love u honey darling.
despite the amount of frustration we feel,
i know that nothing can top how much we mean to each other.
i may turn cold and you too, but love conquers all, and it will always
melt the ice that may surround us.
i love you. always.

love is never enough... or is it?

creep down the motion of nothingness,
calmed the surrounding sadness
it didn't occur the strenght of such test,
that things can dwindle by nature's jest.
what can one say when white turns stained,
is it always enough when love is faint
the smile on a face can make the sun shine,
yet how bright will it be till darkness intertwine.
a joker is seen holding up his act,
yet how can one know how much a joker lack
is it seen by eyes or felt by a heart,
or is it understood by only one art?
happiness is sweet yet subjective,
what makes one cry can make one's objective
nothing can save reality from fate,
nor a game of chest when the king is checked-mate.
then come the final truth we all know not,
that no matter how much we know of a dot
nothing can make things better,
when love is left scorned and bitter.
smile upon the sky so bright,
as the lord heals you with his might
it gets better in time we all know,
that bitterness and hurt will do go.

and yet, love is responsible for all that.

it's responsible for the happiness,
the pain and emotional gain,
the way we see things that makes us squirm,
the way we endure and hold on so grim.
it makes the day grow brighter,
or makes it gloom all day.
so what else can't love do?
but we always have to question,
is love ever really enough.
may i know, you will answer...?

~mj

this is the most retarded poem i've ever written.
lol i dunno how i pieced all this together in trance, but
then again, who cares?
good night.

well, nothing special nor exciting has been up with my life.
i'm rather bored but the thought of bucks coming in soon is making my boredom and tiredness of working bearable.
so far, i haven't had a huge problem of staying in for work for almost 10 hours.

and guess what? i never spent that much time on an fnb job because to me, i never want to!
but lately i guess i haven't got a choice so it's either i have bucks or no bucks at all.
well, dad's cash in is never ever enough and i know i shouldn't rely on that either.
it's a little bit out of the question for me to actually settle for the monthly allowance i'm getting, being on the know of things to pay...
it sucks horribly and i never felt so money minded as i do now, in my whole 19 years of living... ;(

nevertheless, it's okay (:
i'm rather enjoying myself at work because my colleagues are nice people.
as well as my supervisor, my boss and the chefs.
altho some colleagues, esp the new ones, can honestly suck the life outa me...!
it's been okay working at the fnb line, much better than retail, cos u dun need to talk too much, you need not push too much sales and best of all, you're not getting too many bossy customers.
and yeah, the boss ain't sooo paranoid. lol

love diabetics you can leave now
i want to convey how much im pining for mr beloved.
both of us are rather into getting our finances right.
inflation, great depression, financial crisis, or whatever u call it, has befallen us.
and there's no saying how long it will really last, but we have come to an agreement that next month, it will be elevated.
(*crossing fingers*)

honey baby i'm longing for you,

and i know how much you're feeling it too;

we need our space to do our things,

then we'll treat each other like kings and queens.

the time will come i sure,

this trial is what we have to endure;

nevertheless we'll get thru this,

with smiles on our face after a warm kiss.

for now we'll wait to that nice nice day,

when we can do anything our way;

we'll head off to nice nice place,

and bring more money just in case! =)

*emo

last night got a text from supervisor, asking if i'm coming at 12 today for work.
if i'd known that i would feel rather into being lovey dovey with my bf today, and if only i had known that my folks will be outa the house to bring my bro and sis to zoo, i wouldn't have want to work.
i would have had half my day with shenath -.-
but then again, i never listened to my intuition...
oh well..... i guess i'd just make do of other days to spend time with mr love.

i dont know why i'm in this mood today. sooo emooo -.-
hopefully he'll drop by my workplace, for a hug or so. hehe
which i don't think he'll have time cos he have to finish up his PP poster.
ooohhh yeah, mine has already been printed out, and it's ready for collection, first thing on tuesday!
for now, i just need to take note of what i'm going to say that day :)

to the sisters who bothers to look see this blog anymore, my holidays has started, so feel free to go out (:

it's been so long since we all gathered, which of course i will understand why we haven't really done so for a long time.
 although, i would always disapprove of not having been talking to each other for ages.
at least just to ask "are you still alive?" or "hey girl, i'm still alive. how about you?"..
if not to call, at least text? hmms then again, who can blame anyone right?
i just hope that things will fix itself.
cos i'm starting to think that everyone has forgotten everyone.
and even if we retort in refusal, there's not much backing for us to even really do so.
so to all out there, pls don't forget the people who were there for you in the past just cos you are now always with another bunch of friends...
make sure you even ring them up or text saying hi... cos it won't look nice if the next thing you know, that someone might be gone forever...
for me, i'm still waiting.... and i'm getting sick of it.

sooo anyway, i have to go and get ready.
good day (=

UP-DATE-YA

A change of mood comes a change of color.
A change of color comes a change of blogskin.

It ain't that hard to switch to another blogskin really.
Now that i am actually good at looking for codes.
So far, i'm glad that i have a hope of actually claiming a 4.0 GPA for my Web Application Design Module.
6 straight weeks and i have been attaining As.
I must say that i can barely code from scratch, but it gets better in time (:

The other modules i'm taking are rather alright, not bad...
I get most As from Systems Analysis and Design too though, but i've mostly been degraded due to my impunctuality.

More about modules, my PP assessment is drawing near.
Wednesday, it is.
I need to get my A1 posters printed out, bucks are going to get wasted big time.
Going to have to spend $32 bucks (and this is actually a low price already! =.=)

Anyway, put a stop on school madness.

today i was in such a horrid feeling, gave me no mood to even be kind to mr love.
he tried to woo me over to the brighter side of the day, but to no avail.
in the end kinda felt guilty over it, so i'm actually typing it here how heartless i was today.
went gym-ing also... twas rather fun honestly, but i'm still not going to convert.
tho it might not hurt to come to gym once in a blue moon. haha

oh yeah, saw jan today.
didn't really see his face but i guess shenath's comment was enough to put it to my head the face jan has whenever he was in scorn.

the same haughty face that i befriended him for. shucks!

and to think, he was a damn close friend, and when i smiled, i guess it wasn't worthy enough to be reciprocated.

like who has not got up and moved on? him or me?
err just fyi, jan's not straight so i meant that as a ex-friendly kinda thing.
hmms,  long story.
i just didn't think that we'd end up in this kinda of thing.
and i thought only lovers fall in this kinda end.
uggh, friends too!
like helloooo!! it was sooo long over and done... like someone, you can just try to forget??
and like uhhh since i was at least something in his life on the friend's list, like try and be more polite.
haiz then again, i guess he was really hurt.
sorry, i guess i didn't say that before...

okay! moving on..
work was rather okay lately, despite the effing boredom that always seem to crawl on my skin all the time at work, it was ok
worked a full shift yesterday and i'm dead tired now after gym-ing.
wanna get into bed.
tmr will be S-A-D (systems analysis and design)
oooohhh yeah, fyp (final year project) proposals are on...
wonder if i should think of any bright idiotic ideas to propose for -.-



love diabetics... leave now.

dearest you!
i know i can be sucha pain, nevertheless
you can be one too.. hehe
i guess this is one thing we have to keep doing.
be patient.
our moods sucks.
but you know i love you right baby?
hugs.
mwahs.

-DONT EVEN KNOW IF HE READS THIS BLOG ANYMORE.
LOL LIKE WHAT'S THE USE? WE SEE EACH OTHER EVERYDAY

Excited

Well, i went to Neurology Dept at TTSH in the morning.
Missed MIS module today also, but can't skip school throughtout cos
i have WAD understanding test 1 -.-

So anw, Laura had purchased the halloween tickets. YEY!
i am rather excited over that cos it will be my first time celebrating halloween the fun way.

In Philippines, when i was younger, 31st October and 1 Nov, is 'celebrated' in cementaries.
Like, we have to visit our deads and just have some kinda gatherings. Yeah, but it was fun.
In all aspects i'm very happy that  i'm going to celebrate it the fun way this time.. yipee!

Today, we're going camping!
yey :)

Buzz in the head...

School & work($) are two bad combination.
but in this era, it's not such an unusual thing.
Teenagers nowadays are much more exposed to these lifestyles.
Last time, only the really poor teens are out there working, but now, it's the next big thing to do.
Even the rich kids are working their ass out even though they are from really rich families.
But some poor people (like me, haha) have to change their mindset and start WORKING!

Lately, life has taught a valuable lesson of being thrifty and working hard.
Also, it has shown me that you really reap what you sow.
It is really ironic that when i was young, i wanted so much to grow up and be able to stand on my own two feet.
Then when it's coming true, i am really hoping it slows down a bit.
But then again, it's inevitable!
I can't stop time from bringing me forth (and much nearer) to my destination.
Along the way, age will definitely be the only thing that people should battle.
I don't want to grow old, the same old thing that i have been dreading.
I want to stay here, at this age... 20 or better, 21.
Then maybe, i can really be FOREVER 21. hee

Well, i guess not right?
I need to focus on the priorities of my life, and there are really quite a few.
But so sum them all up, i'm just hoping for a good present, better future, BEST lifetime...
And so does anyone out there right? But it all depends on how all of us manages it.

But no matter how much we fuss over it, i still say that there is that force around us, that drives us to what ways we take to reach the pit stops of our lives and finally, the final stop.
The final stop, the key to afterlife.....
Where we ascend to achieve to be the highest or the lowest being in the universe, which of course depends on how we hold on to our principles.

For now.........
I guess i have a good grasp of what i need to do to achieve what i need in life.

Random

Halloween is approaching.

WOOOOOHHHHOOOOOOO!

Then again, PP assessment is also coming up!

Before the fun, joy and laughter of the celebration,
i have to make sure that i get good vibes pertaining my PP assessment
OR im sure that i won't have the mood to have fun

There are a lot i need to battle.
MONEY PROBLEMS are really starting to wear me out -.-
How i wish............. sigh.........


if sure things will get better in time.
alright, i want to go for now..
going to sleep soon after some nice movie.
good night

100th Post

To commemorate my 100th Post for this blog, i will be publishing the top five pictures i love, of the people in my life, including myself.

Let's categorize the people in my life;
1. Love
2. Life
3. Leisure
4. Longevity

In the first category, the love of my life - shenath thomas dias - will be  shown first.
So here are the top 5 pictures that i love of him -

~ the goofy prince of my heart.

~ bimbo looking love of my life

~ cutest boy of my life

~ the cutest of the cutes

~ i love this the most cos the hat looks darn cute on him!

2. The for life, these are the five people that makes me...

~ i can never live without my grandparents, the raised me till i was 9

~ of course, i wont be alive if my dad didn't impregnate my mum right?? haha
even tho he's not around me now, he's always there to ask how i am when he can (:

~ then to fill the father area, my step dad tries his best to fill that.

~ of course, my mum will always be the best and the worst of my life. haha
then of course, the brother is making it all better :)

~ then of course, i'll be living my life with the love of my life in years to come.

3. Leisure are the bunch of people that are part of how i enjoyed and still enjoying

~ the group that are active when necessary! active to drink and live the night away!

~ the best club partner you can go all crazy with.

~ the best club chick to be good friends with.

~ the best gay friend you can ever have. this was when he was fat. now he's damn thin. haa but yes, he's one you can turn to.

~ the groupie since secondary school life, where hormones are unpredictable.

4. Longevity are the people who are still close with me and who are currently with me and still are with me, and who i can see will still be around in years and years to come!
- if u are not in doesnt mean you arent going to last in friendship with me, these are the top five people.

~ the only sister i know of 10 years and running, and we've kissed like 5 times already. yikes! haha (this pic is not exactly a real kiss. look closely.)

 

 ~ my walking journal. love her. 6 years and running.

 ~ the reliable person to always be there.

 

~ the fruits of the pillars of my life. i need to lead them the right way. love them

~ the best man to have hold on to me and my heart. my heart will always be with him.

That's all folks!
HUGS

~ pictures are fun!

Last tuesday, i was so mad cos i was broke and cotton on was having sales!
like mad mad mad mad sales! which starts from $5!
it's soooo cheap.
i am on budget role so stopped myself from splurging away the last few bucks i have.
however, i will not let such good deal go off!
so i bought a skirt, which cost only $5. it's yellow, and nice. weeee!
going to wear it tmr to school (unless i change my mind)

i am still learning to keep my spending on the minimal.
it's hard but somehow coping -.-

so anyway! so at night, met up with laura and the rest of her peeps.
who were either related to NUS or goes to NUS.
also, there are those who are already working.
i felt sooo young over there, it's weird cos im usually with peers of the same age or younger.
however, that didnt form wet blankets, it was real fun!
went to settlers cafe that day and played good games of taboo, jurassic something, and a card game like heartattack.
it was real fun... ~~~wee!

here are some pictures that we took! (=

~ this is at boat quay area, some thai chinese food house. must go there eat phad thai again! yummy!

 

~ to settlers! but up to second level, which has really freaking doorway up.

 

 ~ jazz@southbridge (left earlier for home...)

 

so anyway, it's nice! (=
wanna hang out with my usual group soon.
i think the date would be during the haloween period.
so for now, no nightlife for me -.-
wanna recover fully.

ciaos for now!

Miss-ing

As i ended off sadly with a final note of question if i shouda have just let him go, i realized that it is possible disaster.
and i swear to God our lives will never be the same.
well, first off it'll be damn weird cos we love each other damn much and not being with each other will trigger something.
yet, i wonder how things will go for us.

then again, i dont even want to think about it anymore.
we are not over. period.

i felt rather weird initially earlier in the day as i begin my day's plan.
with an honest post "Open and Bare" (previous post) early before the start of my day, it made me wonder how's things over at his side.
is he recuperating or is he making emotional difficulties with himself, that he will vent against me?
i had no clue... his replies to my motion of peace was rather cold.
i didn't know what else to respond when i get the cold and chilly replies, so i decide (as always) to let him warm up.
slowly but steadily, the day progressed and yes, the day heated up.
well, in an intimate but questionable way.

we didn't touch on the previous war and when i wanted to try and pry him open, he just pushes back the lid and put a stop to it.
i dont know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, and i am dying to know what he thinks.
if only i can read hearts and mind...! hmph!

but being human, not gifted with such powerful knowledge, i guess i succumbed to doubts deep within.
i do wonder, of course.
i dont even know why i can think of those thoughts but hell, i think too much sometimes.

sigh.
so as the hours passed by, with the thoughts in my head, i grew weary and cold.
every action or motion he makes, i question. (not directed at him, but at myself)

then again, i guess i utterly just missed him.
really... emotionally, i feel rather distant.
i feel as if im on the shore and he's on a ship sailing by...
i fear that.

i fear distance just as people can fear heights.

i miss him hugging me sooooo freaking tight and when he lets go eventually saying 'i love you'
i miss him giving me butterfly kisses
i miss him telling me he's been thinking a lot about me
i miss him opening up to me
i miss him being spontaenous with whatever we can do
i miss him just holding me, just looking at me with his big brown eyes
i miss seeing him dance (err he & mr actually) ** dont ask who's mr, you guys wont know
i miss him looking at me and just caressing my hair off my face
i miss hearing him laugh like REAL!
i miss him telling me he'll never want me gone from his life
i miss him being emooo
i miss him starting talking about family with me
i miss him telling me he wants to marry me
~yes, over and over again for another day till we get sick of that.haha
i miss the look on his face when he tells me he loves me
~of course he still tells me he loves me, but when i see that look on his face, i freaking fall more than i ever could
i miss him plainly, utterly...

i know he might not notice that he has been overlooking those stuff with me.
i know he might be too busy making money for himself and also for me, that he dont realize he doesn't convey those things ive listed as often as he did even after our one year.
i guess there are things that i have been overlooking to doing for him too, but i try my best to always make it up to him.
he always make it up to me too all the time, but i guess i have to wait for awhile.

i just cross my fingers that he isn't going tasteless on me...i would really dislike that.
err okay, tasteless as in, being sick and tired of always having to eat the same damn thing for over a year +++, you know those kind of feeling?  that's scary. 

But then again, i guess he isn't that type.
i'm sure he's not those typical sort of guy.
he's the type who savor his picked food...
and he sure hell takes longer than any other girl to eat.
that was an analogy! hope i ain't confusing my readers.. blah!


so anyway...............
i should get ready for bed now, it's rather cold lately....
ugg i wanna add this i really miss his warmth too... 
okay okay, i'm being a love diabetic too.
but then again, for almost a month now, i still feel rather emotional. baahh!


good night and sweet dreams.


to mr shenath dias,
i love you.
never fear, you'll the last man i'll leave be.

Miss-ing

As i ended off sadly with a final note of question if i shouda have just let him go, i realized that it is possible disaster.
and i swear to God our lives will never be the same.
well, first off it'll be damn weird cos we love each other damn much and not being with each other will trigger something.
yet, i wonder how things will go for us.

then again, i dont even want to think about it anymore.
we are not over. period.

i felt rather weird initially earlier in the day as i begin my day's plan.
with an honest post "Open and Bare" (previous post) early before the start of my day, it made me wonder how's things over at his side.
is he recuperating or is he making emotional difficulties with himself, that he will vent against me?
i had no clue... his replies to my motion of peace was rather cold.
i didn't know what else to respond when i get the cold and chilly replies, so i decide (as always) to let him warm up.
slowly but steadily, the day progressed and yes, the day heated up.
well, in an intimate but questionable way.

we didn't touch on the previous war and when i wanted to try and pry him open, he just pushes back the lid and put a stop to it.
i dont know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, and i am dying to know what he thinks.
if only i can read hearts and mind...! hmph!

but being human, not gifted with such powerful knowledge, i guess i succumbed to doubts deep within.
i do wonder, of course.
i dont even know why i can think of those thoughts but hell, i think too much sometimes.

sigh.
so as the hours passed by, with the thoughts in my head, i grew weary and cold.
every action or motion he makes, i question. (not directed at him, but at myself)

then again, i guess i utterly just missed him.
really... emotionally, i feel rather distant.
i feel as if im on the shore and he's on a ship sailing by...
i fear that.

i fear distance just as people can fear heights.

i miss him hugging me sooooo freaking tight and when he lets go eventually saying 'i love you'
i miss him giving me butterfly kisses
i miss him telling me he's been thinking a lot about me
i miss him opening up to me
i miss him being spontaenous with whatever we can do
i miss him just holding me, just looking at me with his big brown eyes
i miss seeing him dance (err he & mr actually) ** dont ask who's mr, you guys wont know
i miss him looking at me and just caressing my hair off my face
i miss hearing him laugh like REAL!
i miss him telling me he'll never want me gone from his life
i miss him being emooo
i miss him starting talking about family with me
i miss him telling me he wants to marry me
~yes, over and over again for another day till we get sick of that.haha
i miss the look on his face when he tells me he loves me
~of course he still tells me he loves me, but when i see that look on his face, i freaking fall more than i ever could
i miss him plainly, utterly...

i know he might not notice that he has been overlooking those stuff with me.
i know he might be too busy making money for himself and also for me, that he dont realize he doesn't convey those things ive listed as often as he did even after our one year.
i guess there are things that i have been overlooking to doing for him too, but i try my best to always make it up to him.
he always make it up to me too all the time, but i guess i have to wait for awhile.

i just cross my fingers that he isn't going tasteless on me...i would really dislike that.
err okay, tasteless as in, being sick and tired of always having to eat the same damn thing for over a year +++, you know those kind of feeling?  that's scary. 

But then again, i guess he isn't that type.
i'm sure he's not those typical sort of guy.
he's the type who savor his picked food...
and he sure hell takes longer than any other girl to eat.
that was an analogy! hope i ain't confusing my readers.. blah!


so anyway...............
i should get ready for bed now, it's rather cold lately....
ugg i wanna add this i really miss his warmth too... 
okay okay, i'm being a love diabetic too.
but then again, for almost a month now, i still feel rather emotional. baahh!


good night and sweet dreams.


to mr shenath dias,
i love you.
never fear, you'll the last man i'll leave be.

Bare and Open

i lay awake in bed, unknown to the time i will doze off.
as always with the same situation, i never really get much sleep cos my mind is too much alive.
too alive to even feel hibernation is a must.

my mind was filled with all the things i said, all the things that made things worst, all he said, all the things he feels and how i couldn't bring myself to comfort him at that point.

also, my mind filled with regrets because i might not be really making him the happiest.

all the things that he said of me, he thought of me and my actions against him, make me think, "hey biatch, you're just not good enough for him, let him go. maybe he'll be happier".

my mind was filled with a lot of things from how to make it better to how i can live without him, and was it the right choice i made when i set him free.

it hurts me more to always say that i wanna set him free.

it always hurt somebody who loves you too much to let you go to even say it, but sometimes due to the fear of not being able to satisfy you, we'd rather leave you to find your happiness and suffer the hurt of leaving you.

he never thought that all the time i hurt myself having to say that, and it hurts more that he left me to my own decision (which as a matter of fact, never was concrete.)

i never was concrete in my decisions of leaving my loved one, because i know no one will replace me. no one can be me...

i am damn confident that when i love someone, no one in this world can top that love.

No one in this world can make my loved one feel like i make him feel.

i may never be the World's Best Girlfriend or World's Best Potential Wife but i know i will always be the best in his heart... no matter how bad he seem to always think of me...
 

but despite all that i am always ready to sacrifice my heart's condition to his happiness.

it's been my way ever since i can remember, so i really don't know if i can change always being ready to set my loved one free if he chose.

shenath thomas dias.

i always have tried to make him feel special but i never knew why there are still doubts about my past and potentially what i will do against him.

i have always been proud of the love i give him.
he's a good boyfriend who's always been there for me, always ready to be without nothing but me.
he's always ready to sacrifice his happiness for me.
and always ready to go with my flow no matter how unreasonable i can be sometimes.
he's always there when some glitch come up.
he's always there to tell me his whereabouts, make time for me and do all sorts of things to make me happy.
i know no one will be worthy of my love but him.

AND i have always been sure that no one can ever sway me from him, apart from his own actions and words of me.

yet, i have hurt him.

and yes, i do admit that most of it was my fault.

most of it i find is not an issue, it shouldn't be an issue, but it happens to be.

i couldn't blame him.

i never really entirely do... 

that's why as always when i am questioned what are the things i'm unhappy with him about, i totally forget it.

because it isn't important anymore cos what matters was i love him and his love for me.
all the time, all the things he's done for me are very much appreciated.

that's why diving into those negative traps of nasty words are never my forte...

since young, letting out nasty, mean words are not to my liking. i hate it.

i watched people say things that break families and ties off, kills love and affection too.

i hated that.

so i always erase those minor things that made me angry earlier because there's no point bringing it up anyway.

that's why darling, i never say things that can totally hurt you. cos i never am that way.

i am just human, i also make mistakes but i also try to make it better.

just as he does.

at my last message he called, i was half choked in my tears.

i wanted to hear his voice potentially for the last time.

i responded to his question and i bid goodbye, then hung up.

it hurt me more that he just called only to ask me pertaining that subject.

then the phone ring again.

i was reluctant to pick up, but i did.

then he asked me if i really wanted to set him free.

so we talked about things for awhile, then the next thing i know it wasn't over.

and he messaged me saying,

"in the end ur not going anywhere without me. love u good nyt" 

i never want to.

but i find myself still thinking... should i have just let him go?

Bare and Open

i lay awake in bed, unknown to the time i will doze off.
as always with the same situation, i never really get much sleep cos my mind is too much alive.
too alive to even feel hibernation is a must.

my mind was filled with all the things i said, all the things that made things worst, all he said, all the things he feels and how i couldn't bring myself to comfort him at that point.

also, my mind filled with regrets because i might not be really making him the happiest.

all the things that he said of me, he thought of me and my actions against him, make me think, "hey biatch, you're just not good enough for him, let him go. maybe he'll be happier".

my mind was filled with a lot of things from how to make it better to how i can live without him, and was it the right choice i made when i set him free.

it hurts me more to always say that i wanna set him free.

it always hurt somebody who loves you too much to let you go to even say it, but sometimes due to the fear of not being able to satisfy you, we'd rather leave you to find your happiness and suffer the hurt of leaving you.

he never thought that all the time i hurt myself having to say that, and it hurts more that he left me to my own decision (which as a matter of fact, never was concrete.)

i never was concrete in my decisions of leaving my loved one, because i know no one will replace me. no one can be me...

i am damn confident that when i love someone, no one in this world can top that love.

No one in this world can make my loved one feel like i make him feel.

i may never be the World's Best Girlfriend or World's Best Potential Wife but i know i will always be the best in his heart... no matter how bad he seem to always think of me...
 

but despite all that i am always ready to sacrifice my heart's condition to his happiness.

it's been my way ever since i can remember, so i really don't know if i can change always being ready to set my loved one free if he chose.

shenath thomas dias.

i always have tried to make him feel special but i never knew why there are still doubts about my past and potentially what i will do against him.

i have always been proud of the love i give him.
he's a good boyfriend who's always been there for me, always ready to be without nothing but me.
he's always ready to sacrifice his happiness for me.
and always ready to go with my flow no matter how unreasonable i can be sometimes.
he's always there when some glitch come up.
he's always there to tell me his whereabouts, make time for me and do all sorts of things to make me happy.
i know no one will be worthy of my love but him.

AND i have always been sure that no one can ever sway me from him, apart from his own actions and words of me.

yet, i have hurt him.

and yes, i do admit that most of it was my fault.

most of it i find is not an issue, it shouldn't be an issue, but it happens to be.

i couldn't blame him.

i never really entirely do... 

that's why as always when i am questioned what are the things i'm unhappy with him about, i totally forget it.

because it isn't important anymore cos what matters was i love him and his love for me.
all the time, all the things he's done for me are very much appreciated.

that's why diving into those negative traps of nasty words are never my forte...

since young, letting out nasty, mean words are not to my liking. i hate it.

i watched people say things that break families and ties off, kills love and affection too.

i hated that.

so i always erase those minor things that made me angry earlier because there's no point bringing it up anyway.

that's why darling, i never say things that can totally hurt you. cos i never am that way.

i am just human, i also make mistakes but i also try to make it better.

just as he does.

at my last message he called, i was half choked in my tears.

i wanted to hear his voice potentially for the last time.

i responded to his question and i bid goodbye, then hung up.

it hurt me more that he just called only to ask me pertaining that subject.

then the phone ring again.

i was reluctant to pick up, but i did.

then he asked me if i really wanted to set him free.

so we talked about things for awhile, then the next thing i know it wasn't over.

and he messaged me saying,

"in the end ur not going anywhere without me. love u good nyt" 

i never want to.

but i find myself still thinking... should i have just let him go?