Fight then Smiles

Today i was a total bitch to my bf...i was wrong and he was right.....i have to apologies to him

Can i point out that those words were written by my beloved boyfriend.
Well, in a way he is quite true.
At least to his eyes... ***Talk about being sensitive (oh he hates that S word)

Yesterday wasn't so great.
It started in the morning and it lasted until dinner at around 8++pm.
Me and bf was at cold war (the whole day) all for the stupid spark.
Then the fuel that was added was the one that got us soo mad.

Fuel 1.
He violated one of our mutual agreement.
Fuel 2.
I violated his manhood-ly sensitivity (no i didn't kick his balls)

Okay, you'll should know by now that i wont go into details.

But overall, i was so mad because he violated what we wasnt suppose to do to each other.
He realized his mistake and so he made the move to make up.
Then when he came for me, he saw something i did that violated his view.
To me, it wasn't wrong but apparently it was to his view -.-
That was one thing why i couldn't accept what he was giving attitude about.

This day, weakness came over me badly.
There was a lot of things running through my mind.
There was things that i know i try to push away but then again, i wasn't able to.
It almost came to the point when he gave me the option to leave.
And due to pride and frustration, i took that option.
But of course, the whole issue en route to realization that it wasn't suppose to be that way.

I mean like it wasn't in my intention to just go.... EVER...
I won't be without him. Basically, i love him.
But I'm weak when it comes to all this shits. I have the bad habit to just turn away and leave...

Yesterday, i was so overwhelmed that it took me a lot of push inside to not shed even a tear.
I couldn't care less what he was capable of doing in anger.
I couldn't care less if we really just leave the bond that we've carefully established.
Then again, he came in soft towards my emotions...
He handled his words so well that i admire the way he brought down the anger i felt towards him at that point.
He was so smooth with his words and his touches on my face got to me.
I cooled down.
He apologized (for FUEL 1) and of course i did too (for FUEL 2.)
He also promised me something that i will never forget.
I hope he means it and fulfill it in a long run (and no it wasn't him stopping his drinking):

All our resolution to the cold war was at the coffee shop.
I can swear we attracted eavesdroppers around us, i guess even if we tried to hush it up, everyone heard almost everything.
Of which we couldn't be bothered. Bet they got scared too... Haha
But at least we resolved it. Made up and out :)

Anyway, today didn't head to school cos we woke up late.
So we had lunch and then chilled before leaving for school for some admin matter.
Then headed off to Clarke Quay. Had dinner at Sakura and then slacked at The Padang.
(PICTURES IN AWHILE :))

We were very happy today. I went so hyper.
Yes, i showed him half how hyper i can be. (Sisters would know. and no im not scaring him away)
He was full of question why im so happy. Well, one answer - i was overwhelmed by happy moods
Because i was with the boyfriend that i love so.
We tackled (rugby&self defense) each other on the padang, played catching, danced around, hugged a lot, kissed a lot, talked a lot.
I showed him some of my basic freestyle moves - of which i'm in need of inspiration
I was crazy today.
But then came time the to leave... ;((

So we left and as we were making our way to the mrt, we were approached by this girl.
She was selling us paper clips in the shape of a heart.
Well, it was some kind of charity activity... bought 2 paper clip for $2 - one for me & one for him
Twas funny.
Today was fun.

HEART NOTES...........................................................................................
Love you Shenath.
You need me, i need you.
You love me, i love you.
So why the hell would we want to be apart from each other?.................................

PICTURES!

At SAKURA - our fave eating house.
- where we never fail to comment on people


AT THE PADANG - the view.
breathe taking


don't ask me why my face looks so white. i didn't edit this pic.


hmmm....

my beloved

Brain

Modern dance auditions
28th April 2008
.
.
.
.
.
.
Hip Hop dance auditions
29th & 30th April 2008
.
.
.

Current Status : Still not yet brushed up on Dance.
- I need new freestyle moves
- A song
- And a signature move

Overall Memory Strength : Close to ZERO

OOP is killing me.
Java can never be an area for me. I will end up senile and running around mad.
Well, i hope that i will commit myself to dance.
(May i hope boyfie don't disturb me... haha)

:) i hope that it can revive me at the least.
but of course, it will improve my mental health (strength)...
lets just hope my brain don't whither even before i join it...
my only solution?
- start practicing now!

IT'S BOAST

I have things to boast about today.
Y-E-S boast.
It's not a good human attribute to assign myself (i sound like a HTML theorical nerd) but what the hell, it happens once in awhile.

However, it wasn't such a breeze to get to boast about something okay!
First of all, i would love to boast about my new LAPTOP - acer aspire 2920z
But i can't say yet if this is a better one compared to my acer aspire 5834.
Well, the thing is that this current laptop I'm using is way way lighter than the latter.
Now, im carrying a 1.6kg laptop compared to the 2.4kg i used to carry last year. phew....

I didn't sell the other laptop away.
It's currently at home used by my younger sister and my mum (if she's not already on her o2)

Well, Windows Vista takes a little time to getting used to.
It's too protected. Like you cant do this, cant to that cos security level is quite high.
But here and there i got to know how to configure my problems. another phew....

For people who have new laptops and cant get their messengers running, please INSTALL the old version of the msn, then you can update it so you wont have any problem signing in to msn.
I went to the it helpdesk in my school today today to get my msn fixed, apparently they didnt know how to do it.
So i have to crack my head dry to get this configured.
I NEED MSN DAMN IT! L-O-L

Okay, second thing to BOAST about...
My new handphone! Cybershot k770i
With a Phone package from Singtel that won me over comparative to M1 and Starhub, i guess I'm a SINGTEL CONVERT.
M1's student plan is sooo not a student plan AT ALL for me. I still pay A LOT.

$15 free outgoing is sooo not helping. boo hoo!!!

Starhub's getting tooo caught up with TRADE INs. (i have no phones to trade in. i want a NEW ONE)

So the only option that is safe enough was SINGTEL.
They use to be damn expensive for me.
I still have yet to see if this bill will blow me also.
I realize too that the cheaper packages are the most EXPENSIVE.
Anyway, i signed up for $48 package that got me Cybershot K770i for $0.
The package comprise;
600 mins free outgoing calls (for 12months)
300 mins free outgoing calls (after the first 12 months)
1000 free sms
Unlimited sms to Singtel users
Free Campus Calls (after 300mins outgoing)

Okay enough boasting my items.
I have some HEART NOTES in this entry. (so to those

HEART NOTES........................................................................................
hey boyfie love, i dont care if you're reading this or not,
but i just want to tell you how happy i am to be with you.
no matter our crazy fits and idiotic nutsy arguement, you're here in my heart.
we have been very superficial lately... like taking each other for granted.
that's what i felt... im sure somehow, you see my way too.
i love that you make up for your mistake.
kinda show you swallow your ego for me. i appreciate that...
i can be a total bitch i know but always remember that no matter what it is, i love you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

update

Well contrary to what i was expecting yesterday, there wasn't any DANCE

At first i was quite uncertain if I'm even going, then after thinking much i decided to go for it.
But then, we didn't have any. So i head off to meet boyfie.
He went off first, because Dilan was waiting for him and secondly, i reckon it was because i "chose" dance over spending time with him.

Well, boyfie i didn't choose dance over you okay? :D

Eventually i was fated to meet him, so since dance got cancelled i went to him.
Nice day spent with boyfie. Very nice ;)

Anyway, i reached home at 10+ and did my school stuff.
It's getting on to me, i feel like im going to be sick very soon.
I hope not so (*crosses fingers*)

Today, Java was a major bitch.
It makes me soooo pissed to the extent of wanting to pull my hair.
The day's objective? To create a quiz with 10 freaking questions, with options and to count the number of correct answers.

Well, lets just say that me and my team managed to complete it... in due time......... haha

But i only did like 5 questions for my personal one.
It sucks and i feel that i need more foundation to do this.
I mean like most of the team have like external help with their stuff.
Boo hoo!! Either that or im just very lazy......... *yawns

Anyway, very soon, my new laptop will come! :D
cant wait... ACER ASPIRE 2920 :))

Early

I want to blog now because later in the night when I'm home, I'll be too dead to do anything.
I have DANCE later which I don't know if I'm going to last with it this time.

It's quite ridiculous what happened last night.
As per my previous entry, cold war was on going.
An hour later it was over... There was something more to worry about.
The camera i borrowed from my filipino friend's(Sheryl) sister(Grace) in the Philippines is in subject now.
I went to The Philippines for 20 days last month. So i obviously needed digi!!
(I didnt bother update the pictures because the trip almost make me go crazy!)

*bad recollections..............

So anyway, i borrowed Sheryl's(who is in Singapore) camera which is in the Philippines.
Grace(who is in the Philippines) came to NIA airport to collect Sheryl's presents and to hand me the camera.

AND NOW it's LOST!!!
Well, i haven't informed her(Sheryl) yet... (I have to ASAP)
Her camera is missing... all thanks to my cousin.
Apparently, only when mum called about the camera did they even inform us that the digi was lost.
Talk about FAMILY...
They were supposed to return it long long time ago.
And then we found out that the camera has long been lost!! Piss off...
I also include postage money for the sending of the camera to Batangas, Philippines.
It's not even freaking mine. And they just have to apologize for losing it.
But who the freak is going to be paying for it?

My part of mistake i regret doing?

1. Trusting them
2. Giving it to my grandmother
3. Sending postage money

Basically i feel so discouraged and I'm so turned off.
I refuse to even say anything to them.
Bullshit!

HHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!!!
i dont know how to tell her......... i feel so scared. crap!

Cold war

If only the cold war me and mum is having right now is this beautiful, i really wont complain.

It's a bitch having this - I'm confine to my room and i can't do much out because I'm BROKE!!
Also, i have work and i need food - her food.
Remind me again why I'm eating her food? 'CAUSE I'M DAMN BROKE!!!
This weekend ultimately sucks because boyfie worked till 11pm these two days.
And also, mum just had to have a fit over trivial GENERAL topic.
Oh why am i even bothered! (grrrrrr....)
I give up, like i said in the previous entry.
If she want to end the cold war, then good. If she don't want, then FINE! SO BE IT!

Moving on... (not away from complaining)

I'm on the verge of going letting loose, pulling my hairs bald and just admitting myself to the Mental Institute!
I am going loco over my financial stand and I'm still not very adult!!!! I'm not even (half) independent!
And i either feel like kicking the bucket or just sleep until *September(and hope that things are better)
ya right, Jean!

Okay, fine who am i kidding. I need to face this shit.
I won't pull in boyfie in this thing I'm going through because he himself needs to lead his own financial stand.

I WILL NOT LET THIS COLD WAR AFFECT ME (amen)
I WILL NOT LET MY WEAKNESS KILL ME (amen)
I WILL NOT LET MY WEAKNESS OVERWHELM ME (amen)
I WILL NOT LET THIS CURRENT NEGATIVE DISPOSITION GET TO ME (amen)
I WILL NOT
I WILL NOT
I WILL NOT
(forever, amen)

Start

Lets just say that the peace that i was hoping to last, didn't really.
Another war erupted between me and mum. DAMN

I guess there wont really be peace with us.
There really wont be much common understanding with us.

I'm just going to give up that thought.

Anyway, boyfie was there to listen to me complain...yet again
(Thanks sweety)
Went to work full with her babblers and of course with toast bread and egg.
Tomorrow i will cook something before i head to work.
This broke shit is really getting on me. B-R-O-K-E
Wait... I'm always broke! crapness!
Well, lets just say that i ain't good with money yaw!
Or it's just not possible for me to even hold on to money... (which is USUAL)

But i have a plan that i ought to implement this month when i get my pay.
I cant wait too because i hope that upon implementation, i do get a better financial stand.
Money from parents is just NOT ENOUGH.
Plus! after quarreling with mum made me realize something. (personal...)
But i guess i have her to thank for being TOUGH.

Anyway, i have something awful to say.

I find that it's really disgusting that FEMALE toilets really get disgustingly DIRTY day by day.
It's like GUYS enters the FEMALE toilet instead of the FEMALES who are usually more neat freak than guys.
I MEAN FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

PUBLIC TOILETS ARE MUCH MORE DISGUSTING than ever before...
Today i saw one cubicle that has like hints of SHIT EXPLOSION on it.
it's like *vomits* FREAKING DISGUSTING.
D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G
wtf is happening to Singapore cleanliness??????????

and WHAT'S THE WORST??
TOILETS DO NOT HAVE TISSUE ROLLS IN THEM!!!
how can FEMALES go without at least wiping their vaginal after urinating??? *vomits*

*vomits*
*vomits*
*vomits*

i can't continue. i need to barf badly...
ciaos

Class\Lost\Bad

TGIF! (like finally!)

Only today i wished that class would end FAST.
I'm disliking hating Database System. Not only is it BORING , it's also nerve-wrecking.
But it's just the first day for Database System, so i still have to see how it goes.
Next module in my to be hate list will be DNC - Data Networking Communications.
It's very boring but it's essential because of my diploma course.
Actually, everything is important. 4 modules for a week.
Soon Professional Profiling(PP) will be announced and be stressed on everyone.
Then there will go my mid-weekends WEDNESDAYS.

Anyway, Wednesday i fell sick! I bet it has got to do with my depression over my mp3.
(NOT!) I had THE FLU.
but about the mp3... I lost it on Tuesday...
Well i suspect that i forgot to take it from the toilet ledge when i used the ladies'.
I hope the person who has it is enjoying it now. (boo hoo!)
I'm sure he/she is... but it's gone anyway. so no point getting nuts about it already.

Yesterday, i went for my very first DANCE LESSON. (after about 2 years)
It was CRAZY! for me that is.
we learnt 4 counts of 8. and to me, it seems so much.
It was nothing to me before. Me and my girls go up to about 8-10 sets when we have to.
BUT anyway it was the past. NOW I'm too fat and too slow. (CRAP)

OUTCOME: Body aches! and a bad mood.

I'm in need of rest!

JEAN NEEDS SLEEP JEAN NEEDS SLEEP JEAN NEEDS SLEEP JEAN NEEDS SLEEP
close to bitch-fit;
1. i almost lost mum's GUESS? shades
2. i forgot to bring my charger's adapter
3. brain not functioning in Database class

Hid Bdae/Others

Holiday's out and school's back in!
The good thing? My new modules look rather better than my previous academic year's.
The dread? Need i say any...

What better way to spend the first day of school than to celebrate a sister's birthday!
YEAH, it was Hidayah's birthday yesterday. (2 days past now)
She's 18 and she's practically legal for almost everything - of which most of it wont get done :P
The worst thing though was that I was sooo tired.
I didn't get much sleep, manage to sleep at around 3am and i had to wake at 630am 7am.

OUTCOME: LATE FOR SCHOOL.

Day1 module was Web Multimedia - currently everything is all about HTML.
I am glad that i have background with blogs and web creations.
So it ain't that much of pull on the hair.
However, it took me awhile to digest the software Notepad++ that creates the webpage that we were suppose to do.
The easier it is, the more complex it tend to get.
However, my team and i manage to get it done.

OUTCOME: I LEARN A NEW WAY OF CREATING A BLOG LAYOUT.

After school i had to rush to Cash Studio for karaoke-birthday celebration for Hidayah.
Of course they were waiting for me at the entrance.
It's at a blue building that is opposite HardRock Cafe, Basement 3.
The place is like a hotel with loads of karaoke rooms.
It's a nice cosy environment that seems to me like a club with a lot of rooms.
The room itself was a good appeal to my eyes. Why?
They have disco balls for GOD's sake!
AND, they have like a U-shaped settee! It's big enough for the 6 of us to jump around and dance and sing madly everywhere.
6 of us as in ME, HIDAYAH, JAJA, NURUL, LYN, and last but not least MIRA.
All of us are dressed up and of course crazy as ever.

Also, the place has a lot of nice songs from RnB to HINDUSTAN to HipHop to Rap to Metal to OLD SCHOOL.
with a GOOD range of genres available, the new kid from the block and the old school granny can be at peace in any of the karaoke room.

OUTCOME:

Pictures(Camwhoring), one-night-smoke-session(of which only MIRA didn't touch the ciggs). Also, we were reminded like 2 times to leave the room already! Then i hope Hidayah was really Happy. (DARE is still in the process) yawns.



Heart Notes:
I am glad that me and shenath are okay.
However, i still felt as if we are still not THAT ok.
and somehow, i feel afraid of fighting.
starting to have phobia about it. lets just call it fibia? humor me.

As we lay in the dark, hugs of reassurance seem so hard to make me feel at ease.
I dont know why.
It still bothers me and it wont let me sleep.
Then just as i felt the security of his arms, he got me to change place with him.
At that time when i heard the creepiest thing.
THERE GOES MY SLEEP. So today(Tuesday), sleep was scarce again!

but with my all, i love THOMAS (:
and yes, they are the same person(shenath=thomas=shenath)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Java is fun. Java is fun. Java is fun. Java is fun. Java is fun.
FUN FUN FUN.

yes, im lying.
luckily, wednesdays are weekend in the midweek for my sophomore life.

[IM OUT;PICS IN]
Group - DIAMONDS

HAJAR - THE RETARD
SINGERS IN THE MAKING...


THE MOST UNGLAM WAY OF SQUEEZING.

NURUL - BELLE TAK SENONOH

INDIVIDUAL PICS WITH THE BIRTHDAY GAL

another row

The day progressed to something more intense.
As it progressed, it got me thinking of a lot of things.
My mind was muddled and everything seems to be cold and bare.
I felt cold, i felt bare.

But then again, i wasn't alone.
He felt it too...

It's hard sometimes when two strong personalities come together and form the bond of love.
The best and the worst thing is that they have formed a serious bond of which they know they will build until they are of age to be legally man and wife.
It's hard to predict and to say what the future holds for them.
Especially when they are doubtful of each other's loyalty and they have different family background.
Also, if the woman's last resort is to back down and let go, irregardless of her love for her man, then it will be a problem.

However, she's thankful that her man loves her too much to let her back down.
And she's thankful that she loves her man too much to just leave.

Problems are always in the midst of people who love each other.
Problems will always be bringer of negativity and break ups.
However, if there is a will, there is a way.
If a will isn't enough then love will prevail.
So before any of you bid adieu your love and everything you've share...

Ask yourselves, "Is this really what i want?"
"Will i regret this decision?" and "Who do i go to when i need someone like him/her?"

It's always rocky in the path of love, this i must learn.
Im not really use to my current relationship that i am sharing with Shenath.
Our relationship is not like any other that i have had, and i am glad that it isn't.
I have my flaws and my ways portray that of a lone traveler who moves at her own will.
Then again, im not a lone traveler in this path of life anymore ain't i?
So then i will have to adapt. But i will never be submissive that i know...
Maybe a to the extent that i can stomach it but never all the way.
I know myself and i get sick of myself too.
No matter how any of you think you know me, always think twice.
Cos i too get a shock about what i am sometimes :|

Anyway, to wrap up the entry.
I wanna share the pictures i took with the girls on friday :)





and not forgetting my crazy sister babes ;)


and of course, the three of US:D

I guess

I guess it's not very hard to put up a face and smile,
I guess nothing is what is seem to the naked eye,
I guess everything will be in due time,

So why do i even bother to please and make nice?

Anyway, i love that random words that just pops out my mind and i love it that i end up typing it down for all to see.
But in all, those phrases are just blabbers...

Well, Im quite please that it's been great that I'm doing great with my mum lately.
Ever since i came back from Philippines, i feel that she has changed her view of me.
I feel so cared for in a mature way. It's not exactly like she treats me like a child all the time.
But i feel that im quite a grown up with her way of letting me have my freedom.


Also, im quite please that i have so far lost 2kg.
Which i still cant see much changes of. LOL
I couldn't be any more nor less bothered... but i do want to get my rather less bulging tummy :D

anyway, today i did my nails and i helped mum with configuration of her new O2.
she just got it today though she just recently purchased a Nokia 6500.
she has changed her phone TWO times and i haven't even decided what phone to buy.
from here, you can see the difference between me and mum.
but her new 02 is so NICE! envious over here.

i have yet to decide what phone to get. i still have time :)
well, here's a pic of my nails and me and mum, to end the entry...


this is the nicest picture that mum has taken of her :) and yes, we look like sisters aint we? :D

Family Post

Introducing my mum and baby bro and of course sister, ana! =)




There are quite a few things that i do want to say.

First of is about my confession.

I can feel myself falling more in love with Shenath. I don't know if it's even possible to love him more cos i know i love him so much already.
Then again, if there is love beyond infinite love i guess this is almost it.
However, i do fear it. Deeply i fear falling in too deep.
Why? Because he's a guy and he's just human...
and i too am a human who fears being hurt.

However, i guess i must learn to not be afraid of love and to always be open to adversaries of life.
I am learning, but i must say that my acute way of thinking makes it hard to let live.
Also, my negativity and (recent) past experience makes it hard for me to stop doubting my lover.
I know Shenath loves me. Oh so much but im wary...
and deep down i hope i can reciprocate his love.




Prior to this context, i want to share with you a verse from a song by Natasha Beddingfield.

Anyone who can touch you
Can hurt you or heal you
Anyone who can reach you
Can love you or leave you
-I bruise easily-

Anyway, secondly - i have exchanged my spoilt mp3!!


If i haven't said so, i purchased a mini mp3 last Friday!
I got it at Sim Lim square. And it only cost $45 bucks....
The first one was crazy i tell you. I was tempted to just throw it away.
The buttons are nuts! it's like a breed of ipod nano and a censor keypad.
So like if ever you touch it - no matter how gentle - it skips next or it pauses or it dont work at all.
Well good that i can excahange it within 7 days of purchase.
Lets hope this new one will last okay for long.

Thirdly, school is starting!

i cant wait to get my new laptop.
Dad hire purchase from courts cos i know he's afraid that i'll try to sell it off - again.
which i ALMOST did to this current laptop that i'm sharing with the household.
so he places me in a bond.
but it's actually much cheaper if he just pay a lump sum. oh well, it's his money...

and i'm still pissed thinking about that shop at Kembangan Plaza.
whom i called more than three times asking how much would he take in acer aspire 5584.
he said he'd take it in at $1500 and in the end when i reached there, the person who spoke to me wasn't even there.
WORST OF ALL - the boss would only take it in at $500!!
folks paid close to $2000 and i havent used this for a year, and that ass only want it at $500.

DONT EVER DEAL WITH THIS MIDDLE MAN SHOP AT KEMBANGAN PLAZA.
so stupid. no word of honor and they put a bad name to BUSINESS.

Fourthly, im feeling excited that school's going to start.
and yet im quite dreading it. cos it's back to reality and to the hectic part of our diploma course.
there wont be much problem with time management. i just hope i wont get myself sick.
im quite prone to it... boo hoo!

this is the end of the entry!






good nights!