Four years ago when I found myself at a crossroad of continuing or ending a relationship with a guy I have always thought I will end up married to, until I woke up and was slammed back to reality. I have always heard the same voice in my head that the relationship is not my destination, and that voice was truth.
About a year later, the relationship plummeted down to nothingness.
I am glad however that I didn't feel the complete need to mourn for break up because I understood that it's meant to be just that - we are just passers-by who made an impact to each others' lives to teach us something about what will our lives be. Of course, no one can really be certain.
While he has found his vocation in marriage, I am still searching for mine.
My discernment of vocation isn't just a one-way towards marriage. I felt I was called to be and do something more, and that calling still resounds in my heart. Yet, I may misinterpret the meanings with thoughts of grandeur. I am afraid that I am too unworthy to be called to lead a life that is pure...again.
Of course, my past deeds are not something God will put against me, because I knew not what I do and I was immature. The euphoria of love got to me and not exactly that I was in love with the person, but I was in love with the feeling of love.
Then it came to me that perhaps, I need to let someone in, and that I shouldn't see vocation just as living to be a religious. Is it easier to live in the comforts of the monastery? Or do I let go of fear and just let someone love me.
I've encountered a handful of guys who didn't cut it, perhaps because they reminded me too much of the recklessness that was in my previous relationship. I even call off my friendship with a guy because he wanted to enter the next step while I'm not yet ready. There are a lot of things that I felt uncomfortable with despite the boundaries I've already stepped over years before, and it's funny how a person who lived a wild child becomes such a person like I am now.
I am not saying that I dislike myself now just because I am reserving myself for someone worthy of me, but I am actually afraid that I'm looking at all the wrong doors that's being opened.
Not many months ago, I found myself hopelessly infatuated with a certain person whom I've always thought my feelings for were under control. It exploded and yet, thank God, there were no casualties. I shut all others from my life due to my rose-coloured glass view of the entire situation and how I felt. One minute I'm in denial, and the next I am convinced that I will come to terms with how I felt and be honest about it... Well, nothing happened. I never got to say how I felt. But it seems to be God's will that nothing occurred.
Throughout the past year, though I have failed to see anyone else who gave me more attention, more support and time, someone made a cut. The only thing I did was fail to see that there was something there for me. However, as of late, I am hoping that our consistency will produce fruits.
Last Sunday was Vocation Sunday or in liturgical term - Shepherd's Sunday.
I was reminded once again of the calling I felt last 3 years, but I also remembered that the following year, I discerned that marriage was the path for me to take. This year however, I am left uncertain.
I think my feelings have developed over time, and it's blossoming to something that I never really experienced before. It's not the euphoria I felt before. There's the sudden smile, the rush of heat on my face, the heart beatings and the change in temperature when I am around him. I am willing to admit how I am feeling now, but I am thinking that doing so may open a floodgate and I may not be able to close them on my own.
So Lord, help me in my discernment. Show me the path that leads to where you have made for me. In order so that I may glorify you. Always and forever, despite my unworthiness. Amen.
