Mum Turns 43

It's a good day on the 19 Jan when the family went for a mini staycation at Costa Sands @ Sentosa for mum's birthday celebration.

We did a 2D1N short getaway there, bringing foods, fun and laughter. Spent the day at the BBQ pit, swimming and going down to the Siloso beach for a bit of a beach walk. In the evening through midnight, we spent time talking and drinking beer and a bottle of Glennfidich for some hard.

My favourite girls came by too, my bestfriend Nurul with her boyfriend, Hafiz and soul sister Laura with her mum, Aunt Rennie.

It was a particular great day spent, small celebration but truly wonderful day for mum.

My relationship with her has been a rocky hill of up and down battles growing up, but after many nights in tears and prayers, and series of dynamics changes as well as finally accepting each others' strengths and weakness, personality and quirks, we have established a good mother and daughter relationship.

Our salvaged relationship is a testimony of prayers and complete surrender to God. I cannot be more blessed to be a Catholic because as one, I learned to ask Mother Mary to pray for us. I learned to seek her when I didn't feel my mum acted like one. I learned to seek her in my storm to ask her to pray for my mum's change of heart for me, and I choose to see Mother Mary as my spiritual and surrogate mother at the times I needed one so I didn't focus on my mum's weaknesses.

I changed because of her intercession and I became a better person in doing my best to understand my mum. I truly believed that if I do not forge a good relationship with my mum, I cannot be a good mother to my children to come.

I am blessed to have my mum, truly. She's a strong woman with high standards and morals. She is damn stubborn and she can never listen to instructions. But she loves her children selflessly.

Through the changes I see in her, I experienced a change. I also grew to be the better person that I know I can be, looking inward first before looking at the nastiness I see. Then in a quick shift, I see that I'm putting my own pride before my love for her.

There are some lapses but it's more controlled now. Very quick fights and make ups. And that's all. She also said she saw a lot of change in me and I'm glad she sees the efforts I am doing.

Next year, I want to go on a travel adventure with her to Japan. If possible, with the family too. (Mentally adding this to my bucket list).

Having a hard relationship with your parents? Try these:

1) Pray, pray, pray
2) Look inward first and be sensitive to what is causing the negativity
3) Swallow your pride and be the first to forgive
4) Apologize for your deeds
5) Focus on love

I also recommend to look at Mother Mary. To ask her for her prayers to change the hearts of your mother, mother-in-law, or whoever you have a strife with. Let her intercede for you as she is definitely closer to her Son, Jesus and a good role model of faith in God.

You don't need to suffer in your relationship, you have someone up there ready to pray for you and change hearts. Ask them, believe, trust and claim it. Do it now.

God bless!

He

This post titled He is meant to record my recent realization on how I feel about someone. He's the reason why my dating life is rather flaccid.

He has spoiled me for other men. My expectations on men has soared higher than I wished to imagine due to the desirable traits I see in him. I believe that if such a man like him still exists, surely, there would be someone of the same caliber as this one does (i hope).

I couldn't believe that I am actually, possibly, in love with him (oh no).

I've been consistently meeting him for the last 2 years and never could I really imagine that I would end up in this situation where I have reached the point I cannot put a stopper to my bottled feelings any longer.

And it's too late so I've nothing to do about it.

He's now confirmed on his feelings for another and is due to be acting upon it. He told me before that she doesn't know of his feelings for her and perhaps when it's time then he would either man up or just drop it.

I thought he'd already drop it, having heard nothing of a relationship blossoming. My plan was to get to know him first, to really befriend him to know what kind of man he is and size up if I do like him more than a friend.

Maybe I took a long time to do so.

I guess I did because now, he told me that he's ready to man up and work on his relationship department. This time, he said, he's ready. So bummer!

Just to cover up my (uncertain sadness), I gave him an advise that I learnt just recently - not to take too long, otherwise he'd be like me. Of course he doesn't know how I felt for him. I merely told him about my being dumped by this guy I was dating because of my lack of attention.

He seemed confident that the girl will either have him or no one at all.

So now, I have to face the truth. I am no longer going to be enjoying my 'school-girl' moment I feel around him.

This 'school-girl' feeling may actually speak something deeper actually, to come to think of it.

• When I'm around him, I'm infected with smile-virus. I smile not only on my face but deeply in my heart too. It's crazy.
• I get butterflies, and their wings ever constantly slamming onto my stomach walls.
• He makes me want to be a better person. Heck, I don't smoke when I'm out with him. In fact, I didn't need to quench my slight addiction. Simply put, he takes my mind of it.
• Being around a Godly man like him, I feel more closer to my faith because many times our conversation involve God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
• We serve in the same community and he's a perfect spiritual lead, a perfect head-of-the-family. That girl would be so lucky. I hope she treats him well.

Anyway, it's good that lately he gave in to my nosy self so he said that it would be good to update each other on the progress of our prayer intentions or to-do lists for 2014. So let's see how his ready heart proceeds to claim his place beside her.

For now I know what I have to do. I have to start seeing him nothing more than a friend, and be truly happy when he finally steps up his game. I cannot still retain this feeling and be truly happy for him with another. So the best way for me to be purely happy for the one I love is to let it go.

Whatever it is, I pray for his happiness.

Now...on to the next attraction. (no, just kidding)

I can't believe I was in denial for so long that it takes the recent meet-up with him for me to confirm exactly how much I feel for him.

To you reading this. Have you been harboring strong feelings for someone? Don't end up crushed, find every means and ways possible to tell him/her how you feel. Don't wait, do it now. Otherwise you'll end up only having an emotional flash card, similar to mine, that speaks something like this -

Types of Men I Find Attractive

Attraction.

A one-word classic importance women use as a criteria when it comes to forging relationship with anyone. Mostly on the man they're sizing up to be with for a phase or rest of their lives.

It's very subjective, really. Different women have different tastes in men. But they still base their search of The One on how attracted they are to him.

Attraction comes in many forms. But it comes from the innate dynamics of a woman, and it tells a lot about the woman on the type she's attracted to.

It often changes too. So you can see how in due time, you will hear it from your girlfriend(s), "I don't know what I saw in [guy], why did I ever date him?" or "I never knew I would fall in love with [guy]. He's the last person I'd think of dating but he's actually a great person. [Aww]"

Whatever it is, know that it's important to accept that whoever you were with, you've learned to be a better person (hopefully). You would have known what's your like and dislike in an other half after many frog kissing.

If you've not fully accepted your past choices, truly, there will be something that will crop up in your current relationship. There will be some sudden uncertainty, a void that you cannot fill and issues that will unearth unless you fully reconcile with that part of self.

Anyway, we'll continue that in other posts.

I am writing here today to share with you, readers, the types of men I find attracted to. After series of dynamic changes I've experience, I realize these type of men still attracts me. (Not an easy topic to write about though, so let me try)

1. Quiet and reserved
I don't know why I am attracted to these type of guys. It's an opposite dynamics from me. Until I read up more that perhaps my outspoken nature is just a mask I use to cover my introverted part of self. So therefore, guys like this attracts me.

In a negative point of view, it could also be possible that the (quiet and reserved) guy may be nursing some hurts that appeals to my inner mother instinct (or possible codependency issues) to want to care for them and make their pains go away.

2. Knowledgeable
I pride myself to be an intelligent woman, so it's so hard to prefer good looks to a man who have good general knowledge and could hold a good conversation with me. Of course, with that said, I don't think all men who's handsome only have good hair and no good brain. All I'm meaning is that it's so much easier to connect with a man who you know doesn't only have his other "head" working.

In a negative point of view, I'm letting my vanity rule me and I'm not exercising acceptance of others' mental capability. But I still really think this -

Clever men are irresistible!

3. Men who read
It's a male beauty to have interests in reading. He knows that to gain knowledge and keep his mind active, his pastime will include reading. Especially the reading of The Bible.

4. Good planner
I'm a planner. I'm creative. Sum it up, I'm a creative planner. It's so hard not to admire a man who knows how to plan a date, an outing, a surprise (especially this. I'm very intuitive, normally, I can see the little things that give away a surprise from body language, this sucks for me, but can't change this about me), and of course, one who plans for the future with me.

5. Confident
This is not just for me. I bet a lot of other women love this in a guy. Not over-confidence but nothing less than the right touch of confidence. It makes a man so sexy when he knows how to exercise the use of his God-given charms. Oo lalala.

These are 5 types of men I find attractive.

But this is not all. For these traits to be fully effective for me, there's a final touch that I really truly cannot go without admiring and loving in a man.

That is his love for God. 

One who knows that he's nothing without God. One who has the heart of service, of worship to the God who ought to be our only third wheel. Who applies the word of God in his life and in our relationship. A man who can steer me to be a good person, and who is humble enough to be steered by me when needed. A man who prays for me and our relationship, together.

So, what are yours? What are your top 5 types of men you find attractive?

Live Laugh Love

Friends that party together, have the best of times together.

Friends that pray together, stays together.

Live Laugh Love, one of my click of friends, consisting of Laura, Mario, Rennie, Gloria, Francis and I started had our first prayer session last night.

Francis and his family has migrated to India and so it's just the rest of us with another Catholic friend, Michelle Fernandez.

Last year, we had our first reunion in Phuket. This year, the reunion is yet to be concrete. I'm happy that we've added a Spiritual event in our plans for get-togethers aside from the various occasions and birthdays in the year.

It's a lovely feeling to be able to share not just the fun and joy of social gatherings together. It's so much better to be able to share once a month of Spiritual fellowship with people who you share your life with.

It's been planned that we'll rotate to each others' homes to host the prayer session.

May God smile upon our initiative to bond closer with Him in our midst.

I learned last night how important it is for small communities to be formed in order to guide and support one another. I had the opportunity to speak to Michelle, a Catholic who found comfort and solace in non-Catholic communities.

It made me realize that it could truly be possible that a bit reason why Catholics leave the Church is because there's not much net of support for them. Especially those who have experienced or is experience so much difficulties in their lives. Instead of having Catholic brothers and sisters to be part of their support group, the do not feel they belong. In fact, it could be possible that the conservative believers shuts the door on those who are suffering rather than to be the Christ-in-person.

The Protestants, Methodists, Anglicans etc have seen the important of community that they form better support group for those who believes in God through Jesus Christ.

Therefore, I pray that I could understand this, just as how good I am able to write this down. That it is the responsibility of each and every Catholics to stop being a 'bad modern neighbor' who do not care about the well-being of other Catholics (or even non-Catholics) and shuts the door in the faces of those in need.

And it's the responsibility of every Christians to live up to their faith and serve as how would Christ have done. Like how He served those who are in need of His help. Serve those who are frail and cannot get up on their own. Serve those who are beaten down and cannot pay back when He have helped clean them up. May we all serve those who do not know Jesus that they too may come to know of His saving love.

It's also the responsibility of every humans to be a good person, no matter which faith you belong, when you believe in God, you believe in the salvation of humanity.

The first step will always, always, starts with you... me... us... together. Slowly but surely.

I am praying for more prayer sessions with my LLL click <3 May this friendship start the spark for a close ties among each and everyone of the members.

Have a similar group of people with you? Why not start small by talking about how God is to you and if you're a Christian, ask one another what does Jesus and the Holy Spirit make up in their life. Slowly but steadily, start a prayer group or a Bible sharing session. 

Bring your faith to your friends, and practice it together.

Meet Up With Eshani

It's always nice to catch up with a girlfriend.

We had lunch at Golden Cafe, and had a nice long chat.
But not long enough, nevertheless.
Women hardly have limited amount of things to say to each other.

I finally received her present (the printed one)

We chatted about things that happened lately, outings and her double date with Laura and Mario the other day (another couple friend).

It just hit me that I'm the only one single from all my girlfriends!
I guess I'm bidding my time. It's kind of cool that I'm the last among the girls despite my very early exposure to guys. Everyone seem to have it in their mind that I'd be the first to be married off!

Alas, they're wrong, and I feel a childish happiness having proved them wrong!

As how an ex boyfriend, Daryl, predicted last time, Jar will definitely be the first to get hitched! And it's happening! This June, Jar will be married to the love of her life.

Which makes me think, I should ask Daryl to predict for me. When will I meet that man that's just right for me. Nothing more, nothing less. Perfect for me, not for the world.

Maybe not, he'd prolly say something inconceivable.

Anyway, I already know what I've to do and I will get on to doing it - to make the time for dates. I cannot keep using work and church as excuses if I want to settle down by 27!

I've to keep in mind that I just got 'dumped' by this guy I'm dating because I keep cancelling on him, and now, he doesn't contact me. I couldn't really find the time to catch up or the heart to be bothered, which just goes to say that I don't really feel for him. (Too bad... NEXT!)

Anyway, what I really want to share in this post is about friendship.

Friendship -

It doesn't care where it started, how it went along and where it is going.
The people in it may see each other often, or not.
But when it's real, it's for a long haul.

I'm glad to have met her and the rest of my girlfriends.
They've been perfect despite some moments when they get busy with their love life.

Whatever it is, it's a beauty to see all of my girls blossom to wonderful ladies looking at life in different ways than how they used to. It's heart-fattening to see especially how our friendship has lasted and still counting.

Ahh, fuzzy wuzzy feeling now.

After you've read this, pick up your phone and call your girlfriend (s). Tell them how much you are thankful that they're in your life.

Good day!

New Year Goals

I did not set resolutions this year.

However, I did set goals in mind that I categorized into 3 prayer intentions for the year.

So whatever is needed for me to do my part for the 3 prayer intentions to be heard by God, I will do it.

I've always believe in the age-old saying "Do your best, God will do the rest", therefore, it has formed my motivation to really just do whatever I can and trust that God will look upon me with favor, granting me my heart's desires.

Isn't it the same, you say? Perhaps so, but resolutions are like to-do lists of the year. And as normally with to-do lists with many line items, we eventually only end up doing 1 or 2 that does not require too much effort.

Recycled Resolutions
I think I've spent many hours thinking of resolutions in the past years and having to recycle it again the following year. It didn't feel effective especially when it became more of a chore than anything that can shape my life, really.

Focus on the outcome
I've a theory that once I am able to envision the end-result, I most likely be able to achieve it. Whatever it is that takes me there, as long as it's not detrimental to my Spiritual, mental, emotional and physical well-being, that's the exact thing I need to do.

Learning to cast my plans to God
Trusting in God isn't writing a set of plans and just pushing it to God and telling Him to do it because we're His children and He's somehow obliged to. In fact, it's good to remind yourself that God is not in debt to us. It's Grace that He gives us our hearts' desires.

I have learnt that for my plans to be concrete, I need God to give me the green light. If God says that a line-item is not yet going to be fulfilled in 2014, I know that whatever work I've begun to do to attain the 3 prayer intentions will pay off in the coming years.

God's plan is the best plan
Ever planned your day only to find it turned upside down and you achieve something else that you didn't plan, which turns out to be much better when you reflected about it the next day? This is exactly why I need to remember that God's plan is always the best plan.

When I met Jeremy, my Charismatic prayer community's chairman, on the last Saturday of 2013, he said grace before we ate praying for us to remember always God's will and plan for us, rather than keep pushing for our own plans to be fulfilled.

His ways are not our ways.

I must remember that while planning is essential, it's always good to let God lead the way. He will always and only lead us to the best way possible.

God bless.

Fear Vs. Trust

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
- Proverbs 29:25

This passage is a revelation for me. It has caused a stir in me, pushing me to think deeper and let the words sink in.

I felt that it's time to own up.

I have been living a fearful life and I don't remember when it happened.

Fear of rejection.
Fear of losing face.
Fear of what others will think of me.
It's all about vanity... eventually.

I have not lived boldly in the past year, losing myself in the process and living in self denial that I didn't chose to live in the shadow of fear.

For those who've known me to be the daring person I am, bold and true to who I am, would ask "what happened to her balls" (I know my best friend does) Gone were the days where I did not care if others will hate or like me because I couldn't care less about what people want to say.

Honestly, I didn't realize till today that I was living in false pretense that I was the same girl I was years ago. I lived in man-made courage and no longer functioning as how God have made me to be.

The reform of self to be a peaceful, non-confrontational person and completely reliant on God is actually a sham that my liar brain has made me believe.

In some and crucial aspects of my life, I have not stepped up to claim what is rightfully mine or is freely given to me. I have not grabbed opportunities to put a foot or two down on things that I usually would growing up.

In the past few days, I was gripped with fear, which I mistake to taking things cool. A calm exterior doesn't always mean a good-weathered interior. I was actually afraid to ask and so I tell my mind, Jehovah Jireh (God will provide).

I am glad to have read the bible verse which could truly have changed my life's course greatly. I am stupid to lack the trust necessary to be who I truly am.

Trust is the key to the prison that fear has got me locked up.

So I pray to the Lord that He will support my reforms after this realization. Amen.