but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
- Proverbs 29:25
This passage is a revelation for me. It has caused a stir in me, pushing me to think deeper and let the words sink in.
I felt that it's time to own up.
I have been living a fearful life and I don't remember when it happened.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of losing face.
Fear of what others will think of me.
It's all about vanity... eventually.
I have not lived boldly in the past year, losing myself in the process and living in self denial that I didn't chose to live in the shadow of fear.
For those who've known me to be the daring person I am, bold and true to who I am, would ask "what happened to her balls" (I know my best friend does) Gone were the days where I did not care if others will hate or like me because I couldn't care less about what people want to say.
Honestly, I didn't realize till today that I was living in false pretense that I was the same girl I was years ago. I lived in man-made courage and no longer functioning as how God have made me to be.
The reform of self to be a peaceful, non-confrontational person and completely reliant on God is actually a sham that my liar brain has made me believe.
In some and crucial aspects of my life, I have not stepped up to claim what is rightfully mine or is freely given to me. I have not grabbed opportunities to put a foot or two down on things that I usually would growing up.
In the past few days, I was gripped with fear, which I mistake to taking things cool. A calm exterior doesn't always mean a good-weathered interior. I was actually afraid to ask and so I tell my mind, Jehovah Jireh (God will provide).
I am glad to have read the bible verse which could truly have changed my life's course greatly. I am stupid to lack the trust necessary to be who I truly am.
Trust is the key to the prison that fear has got me locked up.
So I pray to the Lord that He will support my reforms after this realization. Amen.
