My First Ladies' Night since FOREVER

It was my very first 'ladies night' since forever. I usually CANNOT be bothered to go out on a weekday but today Marilyn and I went out for a dinner date with Marvin, one of our cell friend whom we have not seen for ages. He's been busy with work (and perhaps play), but we are glad he's able to join us for a bit of a chill-out.

I introduced them to Nabins @ Sultan Gate.

Source (Click Here)

We had a great talk about EVERYTHING. Teasing especially on the hot topic on interests of Marilyn :)

It's really nice to get to know church friends in the most secular way possible. Away from the holy zone of the church, we get to know just how we all are able to open about our thoughts and views.

It's a wonderful wake up call and something to learn from. Marvin was really insightful in what he shared with us. It has been great food for thought the whole night today. And it's 12.45am, but here i am typing away when i've to wake up at 7am, 6hours later.

Lately, I have been sleeping late. Since Monday that is, but it has been good overall.

On Monday, I enjoyed the Holy Hour with Dapheni, Ninik, Susana, Ranson, Alex and Tim. It is a form of prayer that we enjoy the presence of God in the exposure of the Blessed Sacrament held up by the monstrance.

Source (Click Here)

We prayed before the Blessed Sacrament with regards to our vocations. At least that is what I think Fr. Albert wanted us to do. This month's holy hour topic was with regards to life pursuits. So therefore, we examine what is it that we are indeed looking for. What are we called to do? Marriage or the life of the Religious. I discerned with regards to my job, and also of course my desire to serve, and how is the best way i should do it - with a man He chose to serve beside me or to chose the Great "I AM" who created man? 

We'll see in the months or years to come :)

Yesterday night, I attended mass for the Charismatic Prayer Community 9th Anniversary Mass. I was the lector for the reading yesterday. It was a beautiful experience to be there.

Tomorrow will be a long day for me as I am expecting a LONG LONG meeting at Church on PRE Evaluation & Committee meeting.

So anyway, i shall bid you all adieu for now. Have a great rest ahead! :)

Discernment for Love

Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/love-chmy/3800147894/

It's not really a must to be with someone and to enter a relationship again. It's not mandatory for me to actually think of marriage, thus I'm not rushing into it. I just feel that marriage should really be kept as the 'one and only' phase of life. I always believe that there are that one made for each one, and that marriage will be what make it stronger. I can really see a huge difference now of how I see a relationship now than I see before. And as I see it, I understand why my past relationship that I thought would somehow, one way or another lead to the marriage, had to come to a halt. God is preparing me for something more, something He only know I will be needing.

Don't get me wrong, my ex-boyfriend, no matter how badly we ended, was a good friend, a good lover and a good husband to be, if so to say. However, there have been changes between us that occurred and thus it is where the incompatibility grew and thus the unhealthy defiling nature of human love emerges.The nature of our relationship, thinking back, actually proves to me that if it worked out till marriage, my relationship with God will not be established. And I was foolish because the relationship with God was the one thing that I should have known never to put second amongst other love. So I am thoroughly grateful how God allowed me to 'seek first the kingdom of God'.

Lately, my desire in finding the one is burning. But I'm putting it off, ignoring it, and dousing it with continuous establishment of keeping in mind healthy type of development of love, rather than seeking for the normal 'you like me, i like you, let's go on' kind of relationship. 

Serving in Church gives me the necessity to discern for the one. I've been practising discernment in guys since last year when I was dating Kenneth, my girl friend's guy friend. Where after discerning, God moves me to a 'NO' when I discern faithfully on Kenneth as it comes to the point of dating where I must decide whether to continue further or to stop seeing each other. So I listened to the 'whisper' I believe is God's, and later on in the months, understood why I was happy I ended it.

Then the next guy came, who had the marriage proposal which become the reason why we ended up being in a relationship. He is rich, son of a wealthy family, soft-spoken, spiritual, understanding, of age and we would have made it well, but after 4 months I had to empty myself of him because the discernment period gave me a feeble 'Yes'. So since that guy, I have not been seeing anyone.

I've a guy however, that God seems to be pointing to. BUT, yes a HUGE but is there. I don't think we're compatible. I have seek a extraordinary signs and each time I ask, it's a YES. So now I've stopped asking because I don't want to put Him in a test. Cos even if He points to him, I just don't know how it will all start, begin or even go forth. (Laughs)

I've taken a vow and have promised with my cell members as witnesses that I'm not going into a relationship without the thought of marriage. This is to avoid pre-marital relations, unhealthy mind-set and possession. I kinda, sorta know what I want but I guess it also seems still a bit too young for me that I want to look for a man to marry. Nevertheless, I guess I'd like to see my desires, and to discern for my vocation - if I want to consecrate myself to God or to marriage. I don't think it will be healthy for me to enter Blessed Singlehood as a lay person, so it's either I join the religious or to enter into marriage.

Oh well, I know within the months, I will have my answer. I'm excited actually!

What a Day!

It was and have been a challenging week for me. Today, was far challenging than the other days before. It's due too the reason of handling three marketing job functions at a time where I switched between sales, marketing and events coordination within 8 hours of work.

I am feeling the burn. And I am indeed discerning if I should let go of the sales function.
It's not yet time for me to give up I know, but for some reason, whatever I choose to do, it's not what you call giving up. It's making way for rest, better prospects and continuous growth.

I don't want to be tired while at church, and I don't want to be taken advantage of with little pay. Perhaps, I've yet to see the response of the sales function on me. One thing I found out is that I do well in selling our services - trainings specifically. So perhaps, I should stay at that but then again, let us see what God says.

Have a great day ahead!

The End of YISS

YISS is the Life in the Spirit Seminar for the Youth, held by St. Mary's of the Angels at Bukit Batok for 8 weeks. It has become a norm travelling from the East to the West for this commitment to learn and be transformed in Christ.

Today was the last week of the YISS, and it talks about the transformation to Christ. What exactly does that mean? No, it doesn't mean that we are made to God, be God and to command as God. The eight-week experience created new ways for us to affirm one another that we are going through the same type of battle in our daily life as a young adult. We employ the chrisms that we possessed and use it. Not to gain power or be prideful, but to be a living testimony of the power of God.

It creates for us the beneficial platform to be certain that there are people like us who loves God and in complete humility, we seek to create for Him glory from the works of our hands rather than to create it for our own use of fame, popularity or ego.

There have been many friends made, fostered connection and renewal of commitment with one another. I got to experience love from the brothers and sisters in Christ who, just like me, seek to fulfil God's love through the relationships we foster with each other. I begin to know in-depth people whom I thought I'd never get to do so. I also get feelings that allows me to discern the need for companionship, countability partners and of course, perhaps, friendships that last to the very end.

In the YISS at St. Mary of the Angels church, I thorough enjoyed the exposure of the Blessed Sacrament, the divine body of Christ at the Adoration placed in the Church. I couldn't stop asking why can't Holy Trinity have an adoration, even though I already know the answer.

(What is an adoration room? It is a place of worship, meditation, and acknowledgement of God's presence. Perhaps it is the room where in layman's term, you "make known your love" to God in the form of adoring the exposed Blessed Sacrament.)

Tomorrow we are having another activity as a youth community - the Tridentine Mass or a traditional mass that uses Latin and each prayers are sung.

I bet it's the unwillingness to bid adieu to the connection made with the Emmaus who organized the YISS. Hehe so be it, I guess :)

Honestly, I can't wait to attend and be a part of the congregation being it a day of Corpus Christi. It's another special day for us Catholics.

Much love to you readers. Mwahs!

Transformation in Christ

There have been many changes in my life which I give complete credit to Christ. No matter how different, how difficult and how little by little the changes is made obvious to many, I know that the Lord has been preparing me for years, for this. And I'm utterly grateful, that despite everything that has occurred in my life, I stay in His midst. Despite all my iniquities, I am welcomed, blessed and given the grace to be made worthy to serve Him.


So far, the learning points of my life still make up the wounds that are seemingly still fresh. That no matter how much I try to assure myself how strong I am, I falter at near proximity of sin.


I fall at near proximity of recounting and recalling the things I've done, and the things that I've failed to do in the past. For my grandmother, for the rest of my family, for my relationships, and friendships. I do my best to secure a place of serenity by keeping busy. 


But it's when I enter the Holy Day that I recount all my failures in trying to establish good relationships. I learn from my past to ensure I don't put down my armour, that I don't trade my views, my faith, my family for anyone. Yes, suffer but be happy and gracious to take on suffering, just as Christ did.


We humans are not God, neither can we even try our best to be. For no matter how good we are, we are never even going to be close to Him until we realize that love is what will keep Our Father who art in Heaven assured that we are worthy to be His Children.


Christ came to summarize the 10 Commandments to 2 set of powerful (and very difficult) commandment to sum up the latter:

 ³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’^[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

To love one another doesn't just proceed from superficial actions, words, deeds. For God sees what's in the heart. Even though we say good words to our brothers and sisters, we sin too when we don't love them from our hearts. Sure, there are difficult people we encounter, however the judging is done by Christ, and not us.

I lead the view, "Bless those who blesses you, and pray for those who curses you". It's a difficult and bitter medicine to take in. If there is one thing I don't think I can ever remove from me, it's the need to complain, whether or not I mean it by heart. Most of the time, I just need to share my complaints to someone, to make someone understand why I'm feeling like this, and to make sense why exactly do I feel as such.

The love of Christ is exercise the more I accept insults, curses, blames and criticism, graciously. However, being a normal human being, it's VERY VERY VERY difficult. Only through His Grace are we able to reflect the lives of the Saints, we Catholics honour and hopes to live by. But the moment He lets you be showered with Fortitude, you will be taken aback. Yes, you will instinctively react according to your human nature, however it's His Grace that will enable you to fight against your own human nature.

It takes a lot for me to call unto Him straight before going for the KILL.

Nevertheless, whatever happens, it's not the perfection we have that glorifies Him. It's the constant tries and number of ways and means we try to get up from our fall. For we are made in sin and so in sin do we live by. But in Christ, we denounce sin. And as we denounce sin every moment of our time, we acknowledge that we are weak on our own, yet always and forever strong in Christ.

Continue to get up after each fall. Keep away from where you feel you will sin. Always choose Him above all else and you will realize that whatever and wherever He leads you, it's the right path... the ONLY path to real happiness.

Have a wonderful time ahead! God Bless!

A kiss ain't jus a kiss

I smiled to sleep and I woke up smiling.

That's what his lips did to me.

Ok, as I type this and I recount about us, I smile more.

{what the heaven is wrong with me?}

It's a simple, light but wonderful, innocent kiss. It's simplicity is simply lovely.

Oh yes, I brought honey to one of my favorites. A tower overlooking the whole city at bugis ;)

Ahhh!

What I'm amazed was the level of comfort I have with him.

Usually, i'll be squirmish and felt uncomfy of closeness. He's a gentleman, period.

{and it's about time I gauge my comfort level with him. Bestie thinks that he's the slowest advancing boyfie I had - but we both like it. hehe}

There's no rush and pressure at all, besides, with our plans already almost in store, we can choose to take our time. We have all the time together to enjoy each others' company :)

For now, this hearty and simple innocent of a kiss will do.

{I want more of this, jus this type of nice light kissing}


~ Posted by MJ thru BlogPress by iPhone

Come to Me, and I will give you rest..

Life is not all that bad, my friend, hmmm
If you believe in yourself
If you believe there's Someone
Who walks through life without you
You'll never be alone
Just learn to reach out,
And open your heart
Lift up hands to God,
And He'll show you the way.

And He said, "Cast your burdens upon Me
Those who are heavily laden,
Come to Me, all of you who are tired
Of carrying heavy loads,
For the yoke I will give you is easy
And My burden is light,
Come to Me and I will give you rest."

When you feel the world
Is tumblin' down on you,
And you have no one
That you can hold on to,
Just face the rising sun
And you'll see hope,
And there's no need to run
Lift up your hands to God,
And He'll make you feel all right.

And He said, "Cast your burdens upon Me
Those who are heavily laden,
Come to Me, all of you who are tired
Of carrying heavy loads,
For the yoke I will give you is easy
And My burden is light,
Come to Me and I will give you rest."



Song by Fred Hammond


Dedicated to the family and loved ones that my Beloved Grandmother left behind.


I love you, granny. Mwahs

Christmas Updates

I know it has been long since Christmas.
But anyway! here are the pictures of my Christmas Eve and Christmas Day :)

xmas_eve_atJan

It was a nice get together, with a family who's really nice and of course at least a filipino household who tries to make it as fun as possible here in another country. It's always nice to have Christmas at Philippines.
You can really feel the spirit of Christmas, what with the surroundings up and about with people busy and happily awaiting the day of Christ!
There are the songs and the decorations and more!
It is where you can never be frowned upon eating more than you can.
And it is the days of keso de bola.
However, in SG, it might prove a little bit inconvenient to really celebrate to the max.
But hey, we do survived it and yea i still had fun.

Although, it feels mundane and thank goodness i didn't really cry this Christmas.
Tears almost dropped, but better than the previous years when i shed tears because i miss the Christmas i spent decade ago in Philippines.

Sigh.
I miss my grandparents and of course the rest of the family as we celebrate these special occasion.

Christmas Day 09

I missed them more when  my parents proved to be Mr and Mrs Scrooges.

So i headed out to meet my gf Eshani for Christmas lunch over at BaliThai.

Twas really nice :))

And then headed home for a small little supposed gathering at the last minute when my parents said that they cooked the usuals.

I was bombed really, and very infuriated but i manage smiles:)

Headed to Laura's in the night, and i was really late.

I came when the main party was over, but in time for sleepover.

After 12 i succumbed to the drinks, and Laura was actually a great bartender if you really want to get drunk.

But a bad one as well cos i had a freaking hangover that lasted me the whole day.

Was so weak and dehydrated despite the amount of water i downed to battle the effect of the alcohol.

But after that i was fine ;))

The coming year would prove to be very busy, but so far really nice and productive.

Today is the Eve and im quite uncertain how my day will turn out, but im definitely praying for a good one ;))

So good luck and have fun people.

Hugs.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

imy baby

i can't wait to see you soon!

Delayed updates

OMG!

It has been a full week since i actually posted something.
And there are a lot that has happened in the matter of lifestyle and also, the love department i must say.

So since my last post, the following Monday was actually where i spent some time with Thomas.
It was just heartbreaking at first because we enjoyed the day, but we both know that the relationship is over.
For some reason, it kind of awakened more complicated stuff.
At that point i felt really uncertain and sad about the whole situation, but after a day or two since that Monday, i came to terms with the reality.
The arguments we had post that day of spending time, made me more attuned to the reality that i will never get through to me, and he would never come through in time.

So by Wednesday, i guess i put out the white flag and i really want to just give up.
Honestly, days before, i still wished that he would come to his senses and not come up with anymore excuses.
But it didn't come. Until that one fine day on Thursday.

I was both glad and still skeptical.
But despite that, i believed him.
I really felt his sincerity and i guess he came through just in time.
We had dinner and a little bit of shopping for his family's presents, as he's going back to sri lanka for christmas.
More or less that day, we were sure about getting back - but of course, not yet.
We both know that jumping into a relationship will not be wise really.

I guess we will take this break as a rebuilding phase.
Skeptical as i am, i need to believe that he is sincere about the changes he promised.
If he could show me a better us, i'd promise him myself.
However, as it is there are still a lot of work, a lot of thinking and a lot to do to fix us.
A lot of damages has been done and nevertheless we can't run away from that.

All we know is that there is still love and the dreams we have made together.

So anyway, here are the party updates for the 2 weeks :)


1. Butterfactory Anniversary night

*Chenelle, singer of chart topper hit "I fell in love with the DJ" came to celebrate Butterfact's anniversary.
Along with Australian rapper, Lowkee, who i kinda got to know.
He asked me to chill with him over at the Corpthorne Hotel, but i gave it a pass.
I just can't see myself really going so i chilled with Dinnish, Naq's good friend, instead.
That wednesday/thursday, i didn't sleep can! But i still managed to head to school. LOL
Talk about being hardcore, thanks to Papa who told me, more like DEMANDED, to go to school.

Butterfactory Anni

2.Obar/Arena Night with 5 groups = SELF SPLITTING
*going to need to remind myself not to go with more than 2 groups.*

It was hell fun but really confusing, and also crazy! LOL
So i split myself for 2 grp in Obar, 2 grp in Arena, 1 grp in between!

Group 1 - Naqiah and Billy
Group 2 - Eshani, Ranmali and bf, Tharsan, Vedika
Group 3 - Kumares and his guy friends
Group 4 - Jasvin and her ladies
Group 5 - Jan, Rajen, Thanya

Btw here are some of the pictures :)

ArenaObar

It was eventually quite fun, flying around two different area of clubs...!

Lol i just realized that me, naq and billy wasted $6 worth of cab for a 7mins walk! Damn.

Thanks Jan and grp for showing me the way :)

Saturday, hit DXO but it was darn boring.

Really BORING.

i had to start the dancefloor with a then stranger, Arlene, who got her own beats.

Asked her to the dancefloor and dance ;) 

Give or take 5 mins, then only groups of people who came to join! But thank goodness my move was helpful. Heh.

So anyway, this week will be sober and nice for me though, cos it's Christmas week!

And i intend to keep sober and clean off alcohol :))

Loves.

A new sense of reality

Well, i woke up thinking that it may not be such an awesome idea to dive into something that my inner voice is telling me not to do.
Nevertheless, im going against it - AGAIN.

I just hope that it will eventually not make me rooted and cause any emotional distress or problems to occur in this little world of mine.
Just one more day of school tomorrow and i'll be hopefully free from this despair i'm kinda succumbing to.

The 3 week long holiday, i wish, will definitely help elevate me from this quicksand.

Every time i feel scared of really getting eaten up, the more i try to wiggle my way out of it, only realizing that if i don't act against this quicksand, it might actually consume me faster than i want to.

Screaming and going crazy moving about in a quicksand is eventually not going to be a very wise thing to do right?

So for this new sense of reality, i will let this quicksand try to consume me.
I will just be patient and wait for the right opportunity to break free - fast and sure.

And when i'm out of the muddy quicksand, i need to find the ocean and wash up.
Wash up till im clean enough to continue my journey in life.
Nothing will ever get me down again - I HOPE.

To those who are and have been extending and arm (or branches) to pull me out of the quicksand, i appreciate it <3

Things will get better.
To those who are experiencing setbacks in your life, whichever part of it, just be patient and calm.
Trust that you'll eventually get out of it.

God Bless!

p.s. this is how a quicksand works in reality, now analogize it and understand what im trying to say from the techniques of saving your ass from being consume by a quicksand =)

Click Here

This is it

I spent my day doing what i really want to do, and i felt good.
I gave some time to my siblings, Ana and Zak, playing soccer with them.
It tickles me at how my brother, who's only 2yrs and 3 months, has learnt to dribble a soccer ball along the long stretch of corridors, within a few minutes of my instruction.
I felt happy at his accomplishment and i felt happier that the three of us bonded well.

The last two days of having stayed in the whole afternoon baby sitting felt really wonderful too.
Like yesterday, when i brought Zak, Ana and her bff, Jannah to the park to ride the bike and run around the big playground.
I fed from that happiness despite having a lot of things in my mind.
They provided me with the strength to keep my head together and i love them for that.

So after spending some time with the kids, i stayed in solitude in my room, till i got the urge to continue with my plan to enjoy the night by the beach.
I took with me my handy scarf so i can use it to lay on the sandy shore.
Before heading straight to the beach park, i headed to the Platinum Lounge.
I didn't even feel a kick though -.- nor even felt warm.

Damn useless and waste of money...
Continuing, i sat by the beach and as songs played in my ears, my whole 2 years plus of relationship flashed before my mind's eye. The memories acted like the smoke against my eyes, and you know the outcome.

I lay on the beach, looking up at one star, then the next star appeared, and then the next thing i know, the sky was littered with more.
I relayed to them through my emotions whatever i've felt and i'm still feeling.
It was low tide so i didn't bother to really 'talk' to the sea...
But the moment the tide starts coming in, i know the sea wants to listen.
And so i told it the same things i told the stars.
It felt nice and i knew the best thing to do next: call tita sol.

I had to talk to her. She'll know the answer i seek.
I didn't need to tell her much besides finally admitting to her that i'm riding solo now.
My clan will know by tomorrow, and i just need to call the grands to officiate it...

Tita Sol relayed to me things that truly made me realize a lot of things and make me come around.
It's really liberating, despite my fears but it gave me the reason to be positive, truly. Cos i know things now that i didn't know or wouldn't know if i didn't call her.

She told me to come to her again to give status report, and she gave me the timeline.
I'm glad to have her and i guess i never truly appreciated her until now because i didn't really take her seriously. But now i had to, cos i accepted her, and what she can do and what part she plays in my life.
We never really truly got along, but when needs like this comes, she always come through.
My entire clan do.
And honestly, i'm strangely amused how they stand to their policy all through despite the many drama.

I have to let go of doing myself damages and she warns me that if i do that, i'll only seek trouble.
It's imminent, and i need to make sure i take care of my well-being or i'll land myself on something nasty.
Therefore, i guess the phase of bad habit truly has got to stop. Best (nurul, my bff) has warned me too.
And i guess it's just about time that as this pack finished, it's going to be the last.

After giving me those advises, she told me to go home and not hang around the beach emoting. Haha

So anyway, I'm going to end it here..
I know you guys are half confused at whatever i'm saying as it is somehow encrypted. (sorry..)

But so to summarize what i'm to do:

I've the strong green signal to really hoist the anchor off my ship, land it to the solid ground, and begin the repair. Then, set sail and let the ship bring me to the land that is rightfully belonging to me, instead of just staying in the wrecked ship, feeling heart-broken and damaging myself with the bad habits i can succumb to. And as i set sail, there's no steering back.

Read between the lines or just take it as it is i guess. It depends on how your brain works really :)
I know Best will hate reading this, she calls this treasure map talk. haha

I'm back and living.

Hello everyone!

I'm back! (actually since tuesday.. just didn't have the time to post.. heh)

Here is the album(s) containing the 700 (or less) pictures!

Segamat - Nature Getaway

Segamat

I feel restored and honestly, i have had a rude awakening these few days.
It feels ugly really, but i guess whatever knowledge that came to me, i guess it's a good catalyst.
I felt really disgusted at what i'd learnt, and hurt, yes, but nevertheless, i guess i'm good.
And i know i'll be better.

Starting today!

I cannot imagine that despite what i'm feeling, happiness just slammed me in the face.
Jan Rick Mascarina and i have hopes of rebuilding our friendship.
I've always hoped for this day that we'll be back again, and finally after a long hard struggle, he's given the green light to be cool with me.
I didn't expected him to 'run' to me and hug me. It all happened so fast, i was only brought to realization that Jan hugged me after it happened.
And i can't help it, i just needed to hug him again, and he do too! Awww!
And well, i didn't just let him off like that, heh.

I told him i want to head to JB and i want him to come! Heh.
We have to sit down and really have a full heart to heart.
I miss him a lot and i'm glad that he's back, and not in the withdraw outer space from me.
I know that this time around if we ended up together again, no matter who im going to be with, he's not going to be sacrificed.

Okay, fyi, jan was - and im still hoping, is - my bgf.
We have had a falling due to my relationship with thomas, and i regretted it deeply.
I just hope that this 2nd chance will help us well.
I can't wait for us to hang out!

I hope this ain't a dream  -__-

Anyway, i celebrated Syak's bday in a little unique way..
I got him that designer dessert over at Artbites, got a candle on the ice cream cake and let him blow out the candle.
The ice cream cake was totally unique because it's apple or peach coated, the real fruit i guess, and then inside is the ice cream cake. Awesome really.

I realized that he's the first person i bought that cake, when all these times i'd have wanted to buy thomas that.
Well, whatever i guess.

I'm still in school, though i didn't go to class.
I caught up with a lot of other people, and i'm actually going to be tight about my fyp now.

WE HAVE NO MORE TIME!
like death is coming to consume me thinking about it.

H-E-L-P!

Next big event: BEST's bday!

Night(s) of Fun

To get my mind of him i had to do something (to get out or get busy) to feel occupied.
Despite the fact that he does still hover around, having fun with my gfs are a good way of actually eliminating his undying presence. (Sometimes, it still went futile, but hey, i did have fun.)
Well, i can't help it. It's just been a few days since, no, it's a week already! Damn.

Well, on Wednesday i went for Ladies' Night with Naq.
We club hopped around Zirca, Rebel and Arena.
Naq has doubts about Arena but hey! She's a convert after that night!

Well, i promised fun. So i must deliver! :)

It was really fun because i kind of tested my self, and the fun analysis doesn't require random guys.
In fact, i was rather indifferent if guys come and dance up. Hey, been there done that...
So i know the best way to ignore them ;) Actually, it doesn't take much.
I find myself rather more magnet to the ladies on the dance floor, who are as much as i am wanting to have fun the best way possible.

That night, we were joined by 4 batches of ladies who find us rather unique and intriguing.
Hmm it must be the dancing :)
I can't wait till the next wednesday as we visit Arena again.
The All Stars are still rocking the house down and really, it's great.
The music, the steps and the songs!
It's wow, and so wow that Naq is taken! :)
Supposedly she need to reach home by 2am, she ended up reaching later than that.
Over at Arena, i met Heidi, the new singer, who looks like Janet Jackson, just slimmer.
Janice introduced her and we were dancing together, and goodness know why they poked my butt and wonder in amazement.
Flattering, but my face burns. Duh!
Haha, they're hot and they're checking and appreciating out my butt.
That's gotta count for something :) Hee

Here are the pictures of the night:

Naq+Jean1stWed

Arena beats Zirca and Rebel hands down.

I bet Naq enjoyed Rebel though.. Haha

There she danced up with this "cute" guy, and the "cute" guy has a company and he's itching to dance me up.

Well, i don't like that for now and honestly, i didn't like his look, so i ended up turning to the next girl behind me! Haha, and she was hot! :) And of course they got the clue.

Naq told them i'm not interested in guys, or something. Hahaha!

Alright, i'm not lesbo-ing k, i just find it rather fulfilling when we ladies dance together on the dance floor. And make the guys suffer just cos they can just look and not touch. Don't you think that's fun? Well, i do! :) Back to my old tricks, honestly, i'm loving it.

We went back and forth from Zirca to Arena, to finish up our drink coupons and then we settled at Arena actually. Naq gone crazy with the cutest guys she can find, and hey! it's my job for the night to hook her up..

Well, nothing much really, all she want is to take pictures with them. Haha!

So anyway, almost closing to the time we had to go.

There's this nigga fella, who looks like T.I., who came up to me ask me to dance, then pulled at my hand to motion his intention.

So i pulled back and i said i needed to go to the ladies.

He let go and apparently he waited...

cos when we came out again, he ran towards me and asked again. Poor guy. Haha!

He's really not the "once bitten twice shy" person. Hmmm

So goodbye nigga fella. Besides, i dun think i'd even feel comfy dancing with you. Perhaps if you'd have been Janice or Heidi. LOL

And that night, i drunk dialed.

Woke him up apparently, but he didn't seem to mind.

I don't know what he was thinking about me calling and stuff.

And i don't know what i was thinking and stuff, calling him. My guard was down.

I found out some news from him and honestly, it made me wonder why the hell was i still not guy-interested.

But he said that it was nothing.

Oh what the hell.

But despite that, i felt that i was calm, despite having known so.

And i realize that it's just a calm before a rain.

Because the next day i woke up, i felt like fuck.

Haha. Crazy and mad, i know.

I replied whatever he text me after our midnight convo, and i guess i spoke my mind.

So i asked him of his motive and if he badly want me to get over him, vice versa.

The playground is not going to be easy but hey, if it helps, why not.

But he refused and he did give good points as to why.

So i was relief that he didn't want it badly.
But for some reason, i smiled after i realized we spoke for 50+ mins on the phone.
Rare occasion.

I woke up late and i took my time. Didn't go to school Thursday (yesterday), which is horrid really! Damn.

Haha. At night i met up with Jasvin, to have sisha cos today i will be going off to my rest house in Malaysia.

It'll be a good experience. I promise pictures! :)

There should be a lot to do there - fishing, picking fruits, riding, hiking and stuff!

A good way to spend the weekends and who knows how many more days! :)

Here are the pictures i took with Jasvin over at Nasrin's:

Jasvin+Jean - Sisha Night - Thurs

I guess due to the smoke of the sisha, i felt damn damn damn sleepy and too headache.

I was fighting it all the way till i cannot stand it, we wen't home.

Thank goodness Jasvin's bf fetched her after that.

While sisha-ing however, he messaged me.

He asked me eventually if we can meet before i leave town.

I was reluctant and he was enthusiastic about it.

He persisted and so i gave in.

In a way, i guess the seeminly better convo we had for the week, made me accept seeing him.

So we met, i waited for him at Wanna B's.

That's a new food joint to chill out in. Good music, and good service.

The menu shows enough delights to tell myself to visit the place again.

Meeting him yesterday, i realize that i must till keep away.

That i'm not ready to really face him and pretend to want to be friends, no matter how our convo went earlier in the day.

I still take personal some things, and i know that things he says still seem to itch me up.

Like which type of girl he will settle down since after us.
"Going back to my roots" - ST

It got me thinking, that even though i think that yea maybe his people are the best fit for him, I just cant fight the urge to just not accept that.

We spent years building our dreams - a family and a marriage like no other. And more..

So i guess being the girl, i find it rather harder to release the personal note of being attacked?

I don't know if you know what i meant but then again, maybe you do.

Hmmm...

So closing to his stop, he told me to take care and he planted a kiss on my head, and then silence altogether after that.

It was heartbreaking, in a non hurtful way.

The emotional analysis done in the meetup is actually a realization.

I have to know that being good friends with him is still definitely not something good for now, but it is possible.

Maybe in due time, maybe months/years, it will come.

So let's see how things go... meanwhile, i guess hi-bye is enough.

Or even better, keeping away from him to the maximum. (can't do it altogether because i'll still see him in class for psych... =.=)

Friday:

Heading to malaysia via ktm express.

Should reach the rest house in 5 hours.

Alright people, i've to get ready.

Leaving at 4pm! Ciaos! See ya the next post!

Blog Anew

Yes, i guess it's quite the time to actually relay that i have a new blog.
I will not be blogging here anymore, but i will keep this for memories.

When i get back from the hiatus season, i will release the new blog.
I've started posting there already but i am not really ready yet to release.
Another thing is that i wonder if i should keep the blog away from him.

Oh well, i guess i wont post here my new blog address for now.
I don't want me relaying how i feel and he reading it, making him feel fucked up.
I still love him, yes, but it's not feasible, anymore than we can and have tried.
It's not going to be easy, and i'm not young and naive anymore to find short term solace from anyone or anywhere for that matter.
Despite everything that had happened between me and him, i do love him and i won't deny that i do.

That'll be too proud and too foolish.
There's no point denying how i feel when i'm feeling it.
I have to stay strong and true to my words because that's about the only thing i can hold on to now.

I know he'll get over me and i will get over him, one day.
For me, i guess i'll always have a hard time to do so, because in any case, even if i have doubts about his feelings for me, i will always remember the good he'd shown.
It hurts me to hate him, and the abhorrence i'm feeling about everything about him and his ex just makes me feel stupid. Like i've been made a fool for 2+ years.
I know he still care and he still love me (to at least a mark down what i feel he feels about his ex), but i know i cannot give him the friendship he wants of me.

Why?
I'll never get over him if i remain friends with him. Not till i know and im confident i will never succumb or get stuck to emotions of what i feel for him, will i want to be his friend.
I can't and that's final for me.
Even tho i am tempted to think of his feelings, but truth remains that he didn't think of what i'll feel when he added back the one person who made our rship crumble slowly, but effectively. He didn't think of what i'll feel after knowing how hurt i was about his ex.

Also, to see or hear he'd have someone new or is bedding anyone else for that matter which will be none of my business really, will actually put a very huge pile of shit on me - that is since friends are not suppose to be mindful of whoever the other is seeing after awhile, after the break up

As of now, i guess and somehow i do feel relief that he has stop his pursue of friendship.
I appreciate that.
And despite my want to just run to him to feel better, it will not be permanent cos i will recall whatever hate i have harbored these few days.
I will recall a lot of things, which makes me really doubtful about everything we have had. Sigh.

In all, i do just want everyone to know that he's a good bf, but to the right person, and not just anyone else.

The right person is that someone who he never want to lose touch with and will even disregard anyone's feelings just so he can take care of that someone's feelings.
The right person is that someone who can be the perfect person for him, who can fit the world and who he can never say anything hurtful to.
That right person will be that someone who he can never find the heart to curse or to think so horridly of.
That right person will be that someone who he will respect ultimately with no doubts, who he knows he never have the need to feel insecure about.
Someone he can trust without any conditions and one he can have without the need to seek the comfort of friendship with exes or whoever else he may find on the cyber space.
That someone is that person he'll never be hot and cold with, who knows him deep down completely.
And i guess that someone is that person who is dependent on him, just as how he will be dependent on her.

And i know that kind of someone is just around the corner for him, and the moment he realizes and finds her, getting over me will be history.

Me on the other hand, well, im not so confident.

I'm too fussy and it takes a whole lot of a man to really be my man.
It takes a certain amount of trust, faith, love, responsibility and respect, to be able to really accept me for me.
It must be someone who does not judge straight-away and who will listen to no one (not even his own assumption) but me, because he'd have enough faith to know that the moment i gave my heart and my all, i'm for keeps.
Who and what i can do is something that man will be expert about, and will never accuse me of anything he think that i will do.
That man is someone who need no comfort or even be emotionally inclined to any of his exes, who will be faithful, and emotionally preserved for me.Well, there are a lot more in the package.
But that package no matter how great, must always begin with friendship.
As i've learnt that now, that no matter how long you can last but if the solid foundation of friendship isn't there, the relationship will always be based on the shaky connection of boy-girl relationship.
I know i may not be miss universe or miss perfect so i really don't think i'd find anyone in this world (damn i'm in trouble), let alone this country or continent to fit me completely.
But nevertheless, i know that man need not fit the world to fit me, because in any case, that man need not fit anywhere else but my world.

What i have to offer and what's in store will definitely be worthwhile, especially if we ever come to marriage.

SIGH.

So enough blabber. I'm sleepy...

The final post i will do is the collection of pictures Hidayah had taken for me and him, as a note of farewell of this blog.

Blog Anew

This is a new blog to cater to my singlehood after jeanath of 2 yrs 3 months.

Due to it (jeanath) being a mixed name of both me and my ex bf, shenath, i decided it

would only be good having a separate blog account now that we are not together.

The transition of friendship is still quite shaky.

I don't know how i can be friends with him, although i have liked the thought because really, we're just dying staying in the relationship.

However, the way words exploded that just got me in pain and every time i think of them, i just don't want to ever see or speak to him again.

He explained himself and we talked things out, but honestly, it ain't good enough for me.

There is a tinge of hate that i really need to release, and i have to do it.

Nevertheless, it's fine. I will need to get out of Singapore for a few days hiatus.

It will be fun and it will relax me i hope.

There are a lot to do at the rest house and also, there are some other towns to see at Malaysia.

The next posts will consist of the consolidated events i have attended or some social bonding of the late.

So welcome www.bookof-mj.blogspot.com

Consolidated Happenings

Decided i'd just stay up a bit longer to do this post, besides, been a few days since i did one.

Alright, so picking up from last Thursday then.

Did i mention that the whole week, i absent myself from school?

Partially on hiatus and partially due to family obligation.

Well, i rather enjoyed the small break but now i feel really reluctant to face school.

Because with it comes FYP = Programming, and although the modules are bearable, my first come back to school after the week's break, i'll be having Business Finance test.

Boohoo!

(for some reason, i love this pic. i see love in his eyes)

Friday, was a nice chill-out session for Jeanath.

That's tequila chill-out session to say the least :)

We stayed the night at the beach and thank goodness for the shelter, because it rained!

It was really nice spending time with him at that moment, and at the right temperature too.

The feeling of wholesomeness bode a little bit too much for keeps - as it is it seems to last until the weekends only... Sigh!

Nevertheless, i am hoping that we get out this rut, 'cos really, it's been too long.

It expends the good emotions and both just get left out half insane.

I cannot really say anything anymore, i just feel that everything is so contradicting.

Nevertheless, i'm trying to be patient. Let's hope the heavens have better plans.

On Saturday, had a nice catching up with Jar.

It was kind of impromptu actually, both of us seems to be thinking of the same destination - ORCHARD!

Well, i had to collect my orders, she wanted to do window shopping.

So we met - same place, same late =) Haha, yes! As always, Jar's late...

Anyway, here are the pictures of the night!

  

  

Brought her to Lucky Plaza as i needed to collect something from my landing shop.

Then i brought her to the Pinoy Cafeteria i recommended in my past post.. and she loves it!

Her facebook caption on the picture above when she's enjoying the dessert was :

"pilipino dessert : halo-halo, so much better then local ice kacang"

And it's the truth! Oh the food is great too :)

On Sunday, didn't go out despite having the plan that me and nurul will be heading to town.
A LOT of changes of plan and so both of us ended up deciding not to meet.
But change of plan again, so we met at night at central.
I had to wash off the disgusting taste of maggie noodles in my mouth (the outcome of having it straight in 2 days to avoid chicken)
So i had char kway teow... NICE NICE!

We talked about Jar and Safwan's latest 411.
Like seriously, i am utterly disappointed. And to think i comforted him thinking that it was Jar going wild again. UGGH
Talk about being judgmental, and for that, i made known i was sorry.
Nothing much else to talk about except for complaining of school, exams, each other's boyfriends etc...

Well, i am envious of Nurul's new phone! But i'm still on the upperhand cos my hp is QWERTY! :-P

Tomorrow will be my first day back to school, and i will be having IT Security Mgmt,
after that will be Business Finance test and then? FYP meeting for coding! DAMN.
School life sucks of seniors -.-

Toilet Paper Control Suggestion

I was passing through Downtown East Resort, Pasir Ris a few days back.
It was the day baby and i had some chill-out session over at the park as i have mention within one of my previous posts.
So before heading back home, i had to use the toilet.

The toilet was the one just by the Macdonald's, opposite Wild Wild Wet water theme park.
It wasn't the first time i used this particular P toilet but some thing only caught my eyes now.

It brought me to realization that i approve so much about how the management has opted for such a toilet paper dispenser. It disallow, if not completely, stop unnecessary excessive usage of roles of tissue unlike the function of a normal tissue dispenser.
It gives users control over the number of sheets they need to wipe whatever they need to.
I think it is a very good way of at least reducing production of paper.

With advantages comes disadvantages, of course. There is the need of a quicker turnover of new tissues.
As you can see the dispenser is quite small in size, therefore only able to house a decent amount of sheets per one quarter of a day, if i'm not mistaken.
Maybe Kimberly-Clark can create longer dispensers that extend upwards on the wall of the toilet dividers.
In due to that, they can at least cater for half-a-day usage, if not more.

Anyway, these are just suggestions.
I do hope that more company or public toilets adopt such measures taken by Downtown East Resort.
Kudos to both Downtown East Resort and of course, Kimberly-Clark.

Sideline job and food galore!

Rushed down to Hilton Singapore for one-day-one-hour sideline Polaroid photography temp job. It's for the events company i'm still working for weekly during school day off.
I was paid a not-so-bad amount really.


Actually, i have asked silently to Him if a monetary opportunity can happen because i really need to pay off some thing. I truly thank God that something like this happened.


All i had to do was wait for the crowd to increase in number, get them snapped and just hand them their Polaroid takes. Really simple! Not much effort done, eventually the images do turn out pretty fine. I guess everyone actually enjoyed being photographed.


I spoke to the event's photographer, Nick, who shared with me how much is market pricing for photographers. I was really brought to realization at how low i was actually charging for my portfolio shoots. Then again, i find that i still needed more experience and practice. So in December when baby will be busy and "away" from leisure's reach (due to his further studies), i will busy myself with upgrading and increasing my knowledge in photography and graphic design. 


I haven't been in tune with these lately and i have hopes to ensure i stick to these passion :)

Baby met me at town today after his FYP meeting in school. We met up at Far East Plaza.

Memories gushed at me the moment i neared the mall, entered it and windowed shop.

Damn i missed my girls. The then bitchifive, who are always together, always greatly connected. Sigh

With that, along came the ache of not having been able to shop. It's like being a woman but not having your blessed parts of womanhood - quite alike for men who are but lacks the vital organs of what proves them men.

There are just some things students like me lack in doing now.

And the worst thing? I saw a pair of peep toe flat boots, canvas material at the first shoe shop at Far East Plaza B1. Going for only $29.90.

It's not even expensive, and yet i have to keep frugality in mind! (breathe... one, two, three)


Baby pointed out that the shoes might not be good enough a material. I agree.
Partly thinking of ways to feel better and partly because he might be right.


So, negativity out and hello food!


Baby suggested going to lucky plaza, pinoy cafeteria for dessert.
I opted for dinner too. Hungry!
So we had the items in the picture above.


We shared a 2-dish meal of Pastel Chicken and Beef (Apritada or maybe something else).
For dessert, we had Ube, Bread and butter, and Ube + casava cake.
Yum Yum.


Baby love pinoy dishes, and the dessert too. If you're in the mood to try something different, you can head down to Lucky Plaza, Orchard. Go up to fourth floor and turn left from the escalator, downwards you'll see Ayam Penyet restaurant. Just along that lane, further down the left, all the way to the end you'll see a very informal cafeteria.


Don't expect formal dining there.


Ask for budget meal costing $5
It includes rice, with two dishes and a can or bottle of drink of your choice.


If you're in the mood for cold dessert, i recommend Halo-Halo.
You'll never regret it. It's awesome! :)


It was nice spending time with baby but there were things on my mind still.
A part of which wonders if he's enjoying himself too, another part of which wonders if i can just let loose of thoughts.


~next food galore venue, Taj Lanka for sri lankan meals!
ive tasted some already, just can't wait for the formal introduction to baby's cultural food

Misdirection

Have you ever felt so sure of you the day's outcome, and then within a minute, it has vanished?
Have you spent a nice time with your loved one, ignoring a nagging feeling that - maybe - they might have not enjoyed the day like you did, so that you can carry on feeling happy having spent that day well - or thought so?
Have you ever felt so misled by the day's happening, that it just makes you all foggy and misty, thus causing the alarm system to go off.

Rrrrrriiiiiiinnnnngggg!

And the next thing you know, the vaults and the walls to your priceless possession starts shutting down again, even before it starts to fully stay wide open.

If you haven't, tell you what, think of the time that you thought yourself the most happiest, and then while walking home, you got run over by a huge lorry. Everything else was intact except that you saw one of the most vital organ missing -  (No not your balls, nor your bosoms) your heart.

~id rather have a bad day than have a happy day that turns out to be a bad day~

but then again, what does it matter to an already beaten soul.

The Southern Vampire Mysteries

Did i mention before how much staying in (home) too long might drive me nuts?
Top it up with programming an online mathematics tutorial and i can really end up a goner...!

So lately for a month or so, i haven't been working in the weekends.
I have taken a big risk actually, but hey, i'm still surviving (financially) - with frugality in mind.
But it's the boredom that's killing me!

Anyway, due to boredom as well, i have succumbed to reading, watching movies and the inevitable life of programming.

Reading was most fun actually. It's a pastime i'll never outgrow.
And i have a great recommendation actually!

Author: Charlaine Harris
Books: The Southern Vampire Mysteries / Sookie Stackhouse series
Genre: Romance / Fantasy Fiction about Supernatural beings, centered on Vampires, Shape-shifters (interpretation of were-animals), telepaths, fairy and more
Accompanying TV series: Trueblood on HBO

The setting is very much fictional but it is present time and not so much on futuristic era.
It indicates how supernaturals, mainly the Vampires, have come out and exposed themselves to co-exist with men after a Japanese discovery of Trueblood - a synthetic blood - that can sustain and give the nutrients Vampires needed to survive. It reduces or eliminates the need of having to feed on humans.

The author has creatively spun a nice web of romance and fantasy, on the account of perspective of Sookie Stackhouse, the protagonist of the novel. Charlaine Harris should have been discovered earlier, but i'm glad i found her just in time! She's still under contract of writing for 2-3 more books - which i really hope to catch up with - provided i find it in the library.

If you have time and really want to pick up on reading, this series of novel is the best way to start.
All the best! Enjoy!

The list of the books to source out:
(taken from wikipedia):

1. Dead Until Dark (2001, ISBN 0-441-00853-4)
2. Living Dead in Dallas (March 2002, ISBN 0-441-00923-9)
3. Club Dead (May 2003, ISBN 0-441-01051-2)
4. Dead to the World (May 2004, hardcover ISBN 0-441-01167-5, 2005, paperback ISBN 0-441-01218-3)
   
   
   • "Fairy Dust" from Powers of Detection (October 2004, ISBN 0-441-01197-7)
   • "Dracula Night" from Many Bloody Returns (September 2007, hardcover ISBN 0-441-01522-0)
   
   
   
5. Dead as a Doornail (May 2005, hardcover ISBN 0-441-01279-5, April 2006, audio book ISBN 1-4193-3730-0, paperback ISBN 0-441-01333-3)
   
   
   • "One Word Answer" from Bite (2005, ISBN 0-515-13970-X)
   
   
   
6. Definitely Dead (May 2006, hardcover ISBN 0-441-01400-3, audio book ISBN 1-4193-9326-X)
7. All Together Dead (May 2007, hardcover ISBN 0-441-01494-1)
   
   
   • "Lucky" from Unusual Suspects (December 2008, paperback, ISBN 0-441-01637-5)
   
   
   
8. From Dead to Worse (May 2008, hardcover ISBN 0-441-01589-4)
   
   
   • "Gift Wrap" from Wolfsbane and Mistletoe (October 2008, hardcover ISBN 0-441-01633-2)
   
   
   
9. Dead and Gone (May 2009, hardcover, ISBN 0-441-01715-0 / ISBN 978-0-441-01715-7)
10. A Touch of Dead (October 2009, hardcover, ISBN 0441017835 / ISBN 978-0441017836)
11. Dead in the Family (May 2010)