Come to Me, and I will give you rest..

Life is not all that bad, my friend, hmmm
If you believe in yourself
If you believe there's Someone
Who walks through life without you
You'll never be alone
Just learn to reach out,
And open your heart
Lift up hands to God,
And He'll show you the way.

And He said, "Cast your burdens upon Me
Those who are heavily laden,
Come to Me, all of you who are tired
Of carrying heavy loads,
For the yoke I will give you is easy
And My burden is light,
Come to Me and I will give you rest."

When you feel the world
Is tumblin' down on you,
And you have no one
That you can hold on to,
Just face the rising sun
And you'll see hope,
And there's no need to run
Lift up your hands to God,
And He'll make you feel all right.

And He said, "Cast your burdens upon Me
Those who are heavily laden,
Come to Me, all of you who are tired
Of carrying heavy loads,
For the yoke I will give you is easy
And My burden is light,
Come to Me and I will give you rest."



Song by Fred Hammond


Dedicated to the family and loved ones that my Beloved Grandmother left behind.


I love you, granny. Mwahs

My life update: A summary

I started my job as a Marketing Coordinator, taking over the job roles of my former Marketing Supervisor.
It has been a month plus since i started and i must say that my personal evaluation of my job is great!
I feel fulfilled and i always have this job as a source of motivation that i have a good stand in my career path.

Eventually, i still want to own a business and this path is what's going to take me there :)
I find that my job at Innocom is a mixture of all that i actually like to do. The fact that my Director is open to my suggestions and she gives good input on what to think about gives me a better gauge of how to do my own things, but accordin to what makes the management happy.

I am free to do what i like and source for good options, and what's left is the approval from Management, which most of the time i feel does not hinder me. What hinders me is the machines at work. I kind of hope that i can convince my Director to share the price of a laptop with me so i can use it for both work and personal use.

I need a laptop too actually but i've to wait out another two months to get my very own cos my mini acer laptop will go to Ana.

So anyway, today, i'm moving out of my parents' house. The room i've rented is a share room with an Indonesian lady who seems to be ok. Well, i don't intend to socialise anyway, i'm just there to have a place to stay and only give face for the little hours i might have to face my housemates.

There are altogether 6 ladies in a house, no males allowed which i'm relieved for because even if i don't bring shenath over, i don't have to be evicted if my roommate's guy comes over. I feel secure somehow because there is a camera in the common area. The house is free to roam unlike other rental flats.

Why am i moving out? Well, i think it's about time i do so. To those who knows are nodding by now, to those who knows me and is wondering, well, it's just time that i muster whatever courage that is left and leave the house that constantly don't give me the belonging i have been seeking for years. It's not because of everyone in the house, just one person.

To save our relationship, i decided this is the best move to do. I don't hate her, im just numb.
I love her a lot. I know and appreciate the level of things she has done for me, but for everything else, i think i just cant expect anymore.

I don't know what to feel.

I've to refresh. It should turn out better.

Christmas Updates

I know it has been long since Christmas.
But anyway! here are the pictures of my Christmas Eve and Christmas Day :)

xmas_eve_atJan

It was a nice get together, with a family who's really nice and of course at least a filipino household who tries to make it as fun as possible here in another country. It's always nice to have Christmas at Philippines.
You can really feel the spirit of Christmas, what with the surroundings up and about with people busy and happily awaiting the day of Christ!
There are the songs and the decorations and more!
It is where you can never be frowned upon eating more than you can.
And it is the days of keso de bola.
However, in SG, it might prove a little bit inconvenient to really celebrate to the max.
But hey, we do survived it and yea i still had fun.

Although, it feels mundane and thank goodness i didn't really cry this Christmas.
Tears almost dropped, but better than the previous years when i shed tears because i miss the Christmas i spent decade ago in Philippines.

Sigh.
I miss my grandparents and of course the rest of the family as we celebrate these special occasion.

Christmas Day 09

I missed them more when  my parents proved to be Mr and Mrs Scrooges.

So i headed out to meet my gf Eshani for Christmas lunch over at BaliThai.

Twas really nice :))

And then headed home for a small little supposed gathering at the last minute when my parents said that they cooked the usuals.

I was bombed really, and very infuriated but i manage smiles:)

Headed to Laura's in the night, and i was really late.

I came when the main party was over, but in time for sleepover.

After 12 i succumbed to the drinks, and Laura was actually a great bartender if you really want to get drunk.

But a bad one as well cos i had a freaking hangover that lasted me the whole day.

Was so weak and dehydrated despite the amount of water i downed to battle the effect of the alcohol.

But after that i was fine ;))

The coming year would prove to be very busy, but so far really nice and productive.

Today is the Eve and im quite uncertain how my day will turn out, but im definitely praying for a good one ;))

So good luck and have fun people.

Hugs.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

imy baby

i can't wait to see you soon!

Weekend Fun

Saturday

I woke up feeling negative on whether or not my friendship with Jan is actually possible.

So i had to be frank with him, and told him how i felt.

I'm glad to know he still care, and that we need time to work things out.

I went for his production, Dancing Through Seasons, with his mum, brother and uncle.

The show was spectacular, of course, very catty and really bold.
I spotted the obvious great dancers, 1 hot mama and 4 hot gays.
And i was wowed by this break dancer who did a freaking superb headspins for quite a long time.
Jan said his name's Ahmad i think. Haha, name's so old school huh.

I bonded well with Jan's mum and uncle.
Jan's mum and i really don't need to get formal again etc, she likes me and i like her.
No matter the old squabble etc, she understand and we really catch up.
I told her how happy i am that Jan and I are somehow back :)

The album for this post consists of my Fri-Sun happenings...
Saturday was quite omitted because i forgot to bring the digicam when i met Naq.
And my handphone is a lousy camera tool at night in a place without good lighting!
Well anyway, enjoy.

DEC4-6

Hung out with Naq to have lunch after the production.

Billy (naq best friend) and Yvonne (her gf) came down too cos they fetched Naq from work.

I had lunch with Naq at Tong Seng, which i never realized had a second floor.

We were there chatting and chatting, hmm mostly making fun of Billy.. Making him come out of the gay closet.Haha... alright, he isn't gay, just that we girls wana think he is. LOL

After Tong Seng, headed to sisha... Sigh

I don't know why the hell i had to go to Al-tazzaq man.

At first i was just having nice times making fun of Billy and talking kinky with Naq, and smoking sisha madly...

But after awhile...


BOOM!

memory bomb went off.

Naq was raving about her love for *someone* and i, well, i was listening to sad songs thinking of you know who. Haha


BAD VIBE man.

Crazy shit.

I scolded Naqiah for even allowing me to go there. LOL

I guess goodbye Al-tazzaq for the time being... Damn.

So we headed off to Wanna' B, stopped to see scarf here and there.

Got the 2 vendors from 2 different shop excited for goodness sakes why,

and telling me they'll sell me the $10 scarf for $6 and $5 respectively instead.

Since i was out of bucks, i declined despite the great offer.

At Wanna' B's we had M&M moments.

Superb dessert for sharing! Try it..! (see the only ice cream i took picture of in the album)

Headed home after that...

The effect of al-tazzaq lasted through the night too... Sigh.

I hate sleeping alone when it's cold.

Sunday

Headed to church and the sermon was all about making way.. moving along and ahead... forward etc.

I took that as a sign and i listened well.

It also contained that i should release the junk in the house(heart), the hate, the grievance, the offense etc...

So that God can come in and reside in it...

I aim to do that by new year... and by then i should have gone on ahead, steered clear of the dark clouds and making the journey right.

I have more or less new year resolutions done up in my head.

This time i'm going to write it down so that i will remember them!

Afternoon

Meet up with Eshani for pinoy lunch...

I don't want to keep thinking about it, but it just seem to come to my head. 
Sigh... just can't believe it... oh well...

We ate like pigs and crazy.. haha!
I mean u can see the amount of desserts we got. Damn...

Later on Sandu came and we three headed to cineleisure for a movie.
Nothing was really great to see but we settled for Zombieland.
Twas funny and disgusting! Haha
Sandu was cute... She's worst than me in terms of screaming and the adrenaline rush. And i thought i was bad. LOL

Later aft the movie, she had to leave so we dropped her off to the bus stop.
Then Eshani and i headed to TF where she got the cute flowery top in the album.
As a present, she got me that little black dress. It was all on sale! Lol
Thanks sweety...

After walking around Orchard Central from TF, we headed home.
65 was quite fast and i guess since i dozed off i didn't die in the bus... hate bus rides really.
I turned in later after supper and then felt guilty i haven't studied for ITSM exam on Tuesday! Yikes!

Will do it today, just want to nap first, mug and then sleep till the afternoon, and go to battle.
After that, dinner with the Bitchifive! Loves.

This is it

I spent my day doing what i really want to do, and i felt good.
I gave some time to my siblings, Ana and Zak, playing soccer with them.
It tickles me at how my brother, who's only 2yrs and 3 months, has learnt to dribble a soccer ball along the long stretch of corridors, within a few minutes of my instruction.
I felt happy at his accomplishment and i felt happier that the three of us bonded well.

The last two days of having stayed in the whole afternoon baby sitting felt really wonderful too.
Like yesterday, when i brought Zak, Ana and her bff, Jannah to the park to ride the bike and run around the big playground.
I fed from that happiness despite having a lot of things in my mind.
They provided me with the strength to keep my head together and i love them for that.

So after spending some time with the kids, i stayed in solitude in my room, till i got the urge to continue with my plan to enjoy the night by the beach.
I took with me my handy scarf so i can use it to lay on the sandy shore.
Before heading straight to the beach park, i headed to the Platinum Lounge.
I didn't even feel a kick though -.- nor even felt warm.

Damn useless and waste of money...
Continuing, i sat by the beach and as songs played in my ears, my whole 2 years plus of relationship flashed before my mind's eye. The memories acted like the smoke against my eyes, and you know the outcome.

I lay on the beach, looking up at one star, then the next star appeared, and then the next thing i know, the sky was littered with more.
I relayed to them through my emotions whatever i've felt and i'm still feeling.
It was low tide so i didn't bother to really 'talk' to the sea...
But the moment the tide starts coming in, i know the sea wants to listen.
And so i told it the same things i told the stars.
It felt nice and i knew the best thing to do next: call tita sol.

I had to talk to her. She'll know the answer i seek.
I didn't need to tell her much besides finally admitting to her that i'm riding solo now.
My clan will know by tomorrow, and i just need to call the grands to officiate it...

Tita Sol relayed to me things that truly made me realize a lot of things and make me come around.
It's really liberating, despite my fears but it gave me the reason to be positive, truly. Cos i know things now that i didn't know or wouldn't know if i didn't call her.

She told me to come to her again to give status report, and she gave me the timeline.
I'm glad to have her and i guess i never truly appreciated her until now because i didn't really take her seriously. But now i had to, cos i accepted her, and what she can do and what part she plays in my life.
We never really truly got along, but when needs like this comes, she always come through.
My entire clan do.
And honestly, i'm strangely amused how they stand to their policy all through despite the many drama.

I have to let go of doing myself damages and she warns me that if i do that, i'll only seek trouble.
It's imminent, and i need to make sure i take care of my well-being or i'll land myself on something nasty.
Therefore, i guess the phase of bad habit truly has got to stop. Best (nurul, my bff) has warned me too.
And i guess it's just about time that as this pack finished, it's going to be the last.

After giving me those advises, she told me to go home and not hang around the beach emoting. Haha

So anyway, I'm going to end it here..
I know you guys are half confused at whatever i'm saying as it is somehow encrypted. (sorry..)

But so to summarize what i'm to do:

I've the strong green signal to really hoist the anchor off my ship, land it to the solid ground, and begin the repair. Then, set sail and let the ship bring me to the land that is rightfully belonging to me, instead of just staying in the wrecked ship, feeling heart-broken and damaging myself with the bad habits i can succumb to. And as i set sail, there's no steering back.

Read between the lines or just take it as it is i guess. It depends on how your brain works really :)
I know Best will hate reading this, she calls this treasure map talk. haha

Night(s) of Fun

To get my mind of him i had to do something (to get out or get busy) to feel occupied.
Despite the fact that he does still hover around, having fun with my gfs are a good way of actually eliminating his undying presence. (Sometimes, it still went futile, but hey, i did have fun.)
Well, i can't help it. It's just been a few days since, no, it's a week already! Damn.

Well, on Wednesday i went for Ladies' Night with Naq.
We club hopped around Zirca, Rebel and Arena.
Naq has doubts about Arena but hey! She's a convert after that night!

Well, i promised fun. So i must deliver! :)

It was really fun because i kind of tested my self, and the fun analysis doesn't require random guys.
In fact, i was rather indifferent if guys come and dance up. Hey, been there done that...
So i know the best way to ignore them ;) Actually, it doesn't take much.
I find myself rather more magnet to the ladies on the dance floor, who are as much as i am wanting to have fun the best way possible.

That night, we were joined by 4 batches of ladies who find us rather unique and intriguing.
Hmm it must be the dancing :)
I can't wait till the next wednesday as we visit Arena again.
The All Stars are still rocking the house down and really, it's great.
The music, the steps and the songs!
It's wow, and so wow that Naq is taken! :)
Supposedly she need to reach home by 2am, she ended up reaching later than that.
Over at Arena, i met Heidi, the new singer, who looks like Janet Jackson, just slimmer.
Janice introduced her and we were dancing together, and goodness know why they poked my butt and wonder in amazement.
Flattering, but my face burns. Duh!
Haha, they're hot and they're checking and appreciating out my butt.
That's gotta count for something :) Hee

Here are the pictures of the night:

Naq+Jean1stWed

Arena beats Zirca and Rebel hands down.

I bet Naq enjoyed Rebel though.. Haha

There she danced up with this "cute" guy, and the "cute" guy has a company and he's itching to dance me up.

Well, i don't like that for now and honestly, i didn't like his look, so i ended up turning to the next girl behind me! Haha, and she was hot! :) And of course they got the clue.

Naq told them i'm not interested in guys, or something. Hahaha!

Alright, i'm not lesbo-ing k, i just find it rather fulfilling when we ladies dance together on the dance floor. And make the guys suffer just cos they can just look and not touch. Don't you think that's fun? Well, i do! :) Back to my old tricks, honestly, i'm loving it.

We went back and forth from Zirca to Arena, to finish up our drink coupons and then we settled at Arena actually. Naq gone crazy with the cutest guys she can find, and hey! it's my job for the night to hook her up..

Well, nothing much really, all she want is to take pictures with them. Haha!

So anyway, almost closing to the time we had to go.

There's this nigga fella, who looks like T.I., who came up to me ask me to dance, then pulled at my hand to motion his intention.

So i pulled back and i said i needed to go to the ladies.

He let go and apparently he waited...

cos when we came out again, he ran towards me and asked again. Poor guy. Haha!

He's really not the "once bitten twice shy" person. Hmmm

So goodbye nigga fella. Besides, i dun think i'd even feel comfy dancing with you. Perhaps if you'd have been Janice or Heidi. LOL

And that night, i drunk dialed.

Woke him up apparently, but he didn't seem to mind.

I don't know what he was thinking about me calling and stuff.

And i don't know what i was thinking and stuff, calling him. My guard was down.

I found out some news from him and honestly, it made me wonder why the hell was i still not guy-interested.

But he said that it was nothing.

Oh what the hell.

But despite that, i felt that i was calm, despite having known so.

And i realize that it's just a calm before a rain.

Because the next day i woke up, i felt like fuck.

Haha. Crazy and mad, i know.

I replied whatever he text me after our midnight convo, and i guess i spoke my mind.

So i asked him of his motive and if he badly want me to get over him, vice versa.

The playground is not going to be easy but hey, if it helps, why not.

But he refused and he did give good points as to why.

So i was relief that he didn't want it badly.
But for some reason, i smiled after i realized we spoke for 50+ mins on the phone.
Rare occasion.

I woke up late and i took my time. Didn't go to school Thursday (yesterday), which is horrid really! Damn.

Haha. At night i met up with Jasvin, to have sisha cos today i will be going off to my rest house in Malaysia.

It'll be a good experience. I promise pictures! :)

There should be a lot to do there - fishing, picking fruits, riding, hiking and stuff!

A good way to spend the weekends and who knows how many more days! :)

Here are the pictures i took with Jasvin over at Nasrin's:

Jasvin+Jean - Sisha Night - Thurs

I guess due to the smoke of the sisha, i felt damn damn damn sleepy and too headache.

I was fighting it all the way till i cannot stand it, we wen't home.

Thank goodness Jasvin's bf fetched her after that.

While sisha-ing however, he messaged me.

He asked me eventually if we can meet before i leave town.

I was reluctant and he was enthusiastic about it.

He persisted and so i gave in.

In a way, i guess the seeminly better convo we had for the week, made me accept seeing him.

So we met, i waited for him at Wanna B's.

That's a new food joint to chill out in. Good music, and good service.

The menu shows enough delights to tell myself to visit the place again.

Meeting him yesterday, i realize that i must till keep away.

That i'm not ready to really face him and pretend to want to be friends, no matter how our convo went earlier in the day.

I still take personal some things, and i know that things he says still seem to itch me up.

Like which type of girl he will settle down since after us.
"Going back to my roots" - ST

It got me thinking, that even though i think that yea maybe his people are the best fit for him, I just cant fight the urge to just not accept that.

We spent years building our dreams - a family and a marriage like no other. And more..

So i guess being the girl, i find it rather harder to release the personal note of being attacked?

I don't know if you know what i meant but then again, maybe you do.

Hmmm...

So closing to his stop, he told me to take care and he planted a kiss on my head, and then silence altogether after that.

It was heartbreaking, in a non hurtful way.

The emotional analysis done in the meetup is actually a realization.

I have to know that being good friends with him is still definitely not something good for now, but it is possible.

Maybe in due time, maybe months/years, it will come.

So let's see how things go... meanwhile, i guess hi-bye is enough.

Or even better, keeping away from him to the maximum. (can't do it altogether because i'll still see him in class for psych... =.=)

Friday:

Heading to malaysia via ktm express.

Should reach the rest house in 5 hours.

Alright people, i've to get ready.

Leaving at 4pm! Ciaos! See ya the next post!

Blog Anew

Yes, i guess it's quite the time to actually relay that i have a new blog.
I will not be blogging here anymore, but i will keep this for memories.

When i get back from the hiatus season, i will release the new blog.
I've started posting there already but i am not really ready yet to release.
Another thing is that i wonder if i should keep the blog away from him.

Oh well, i guess i wont post here my new blog address for now.
I don't want me relaying how i feel and he reading it, making him feel fucked up.
I still love him, yes, but it's not feasible, anymore than we can and have tried.
It's not going to be easy, and i'm not young and naive anymore to find short term solace from anyone or anywhere for that matter.
Despite everything that had happened between me and him, i do love him and i won't deny that i do.

That'll be too proud and too foolish.
There's no point denying how i feel when i'm feeling it.
I have to stay strong and true to my words because that's about the only thing i can hold on to now.

I know he'll get over me and i will get over him, one day.
For me, i guess i'll always have a hard time to do so, because in any case, even if i have doubts about his feelings for me, i will always remember the good he'd shown.
It hurts me to hate him, and the abhorrence i'm feeling about everything about him and his ex just makes me feel stupid. Like i've been made a fool for 2+ years.
I know he still care and he still love me (to at least a mark down what i feel he feels about his ex), but i know i cannot give him the friendship he wants of me.

Why?
I'll never get over him if i remain friends with him. Not till i know and im confident i will never succumb or get stuck to emotions of what i feel for him, will i want to be his friend.
I can't and that's final for me.
Even tho i am tempted to think of his feelings, but truth remains that he didn't think of what i'll feel when he added back the one person who made our rship crumble slowly, but effectively. He didn't think of what i'll feel after knowing how hurt i was about his ex.

Also, to see or hear he'd have someone new or is bedding anyone else for that matter which will be none of my business really, will actually put a very huge pile of shit on me - that is since friends are not suppose to be mindful of whoever the other is seeing after awhile, after the break up

As of now, i guess and somehow i do feel relief that he has stop his pursue of friendship.
I appreciate that.
And despite my want to just run to him to feel better, it will not be permanent cos i will recall whatever hate i have harbored these few days.
I will recall a lot of things, which makes me really doubtful about everything we have had. Sigh.

In all, i do just want everyone to know that he's a good bf, but to the right person, and not just anyone else.

The right person is that someone who he never want to lose touch with and will even disregard anyone's feelings just so he can take care of that someone's feelings.
The right person is that someone who can be the perfect person for him, who can fit the world and who he can never say anything hurtful to.
That right person will be that someone who he can never find the heart to curse or to think so horridly of.
That right person will be that someone who he will respect ultimately with no doubts, who he knows he never have the need to feel insecure about.
Someone he can trust without any conditions and one he can have without the need to seek the comfort of friendship with exes or whoever else he may find on the cyber space.
That someone is that person he'll never be hot and cold with, who knows him deep down completely.
And i guess that someone is that person who is dependent on him, just as how he will be dependent on her.

And i know that kind of someone is just around the corner for him, and the moment he realizes and finds her, getting over me will be history.

Me on the other hand, well, im not so confident.

I'm too fussy and it takes a whole lot of a man to really be my man.
It takes a certain amount of trust, faith, love, responsibility and respect, to be able to really accept me for me.
It must be someone who does not judge straight-away and who will listen to no one (not even his own assumption) but me, because he'd have enough faith to know that the moment i gave my heart and my all, i'm for keeps.
Who and what i can do is something that man will be expert about, and will never accuse me of anything he think that i will do.
That man is someone who need no comfort or even be emotionally inclined to any of his exes, who will be faithful, and emotionally preserved for me.Well, there are a lot more in the package.
But that package no matter how great, must always begin with friendship.
As i've learnt that now, that no matter how long you can last but if the solid foundation of friendship isn't there, the relationship will always be based on the shaky connection of boy-girl relationship.
I know i may not be miss universe or miss perfect so i really don't think i'd find anyone in this world (damn i'm in trouble), let alone this country or continent to fit me completely.
But nevertheless, i know that man need not fit the world to fit me, because in any case, that man need not fit anywhere else but my world.

What i have to offer and what's in store will definitely be worthwhile, especially if we ever come to marriage.

SIGH.

So enough blabber. I'm sleepy...

The final post i will do is the collection of pictures Hidayah had taken for me and him, as a note of farewell of this blog.

Another blast/ Uneventful day

It was IT Security Mgmt today and u can pretty much bet that i didn't really made much effort to do the hands-on practical - just not my field of interest -.-
So all i did was understand the concept and take advantage of the knowledge.
Which kind of help, but im sure Deborah was looking for something more than theory.
Honestly, i really cannot be bothered! Sigh

The day got worst when i received a request to meet up.
Yep, the ex text me in the morning and asked to meet.
Honestly, if i'd follow my heart, i will.
But i had to make sure i keep to my mind, and keep in mind what has been done.

The night before, he text me too.
And somehow i thought i'd be better the next morning when i realize that we were in sync with the emotions, but i just can't forget everything. Sigh

Even tho i felt touched and i teared at whatever he text me last night but truth remains.
I just cannot get it right in my head to believe that he really didn't have anything for his ex.

Actions speak louder than words, in the context of love, if not all.
And the amount of effort he had done all through the years just to keep her abreast, makes it all harder for me to believe that his love for me was real.
I doubt everything now and our past relationship. Plus, i really loathe this feeling of hate.

I hate the fact that i hate him now.
I just can't fully function with hate.

Sigh Sigh Sigh

So i told him what i thought about the request, and i told him how i truly felt.
How i loathe the both of them, only i can imagine, and there's no way to relay that to him well.
He's still going to live in denial about what he feels about her.
And he's just going to say that it was not her but it was i who ruined it when i didn't call him first.
No matter what he says against what i've interpreted, i can never believe anything he says again.
It's not just for me, but i believe it'll be for the better, if not the best.

So then he blasted me again with all the hurtful things he always come up with.
The curses and the mean wishes of whatever really just motivates me to just forget about him completely.
And every time he says something, it acts as my fuel to the hatred i feel.
If he'd got the balls to admit everything, i guess i'd forgive him.
But he keeps running his contradicting stories, and it makes it so unbearable. Darn!

Sigh.

Was suppose to meet the cousins today but i ended FYP meeting too late, so couldn't catch 2012 with them.
So headed home and played with Zak.
He makes me smile all the time, lately.
He's the only real source of happiness i feed from.
The power of children... Sigh.

I hadn't done much besides lying around and fight the tears since i got home from school.
Though i end up giving up trying
I guess there's a quota limit to the amount of tears a person can release per day.
But anyway, i still cannot stop this emotional madness, so meeting bestie at central in awhile.
I haven't eaten since morning, and i guess i'd better eat something later... Sigh

Weekend Happenings

Friday was both emotionally trying but thank goodness i managed to pull through.
I got stuck somehow but i am delighted now that i've pull myself out of the rut that the ex lover had almost dragged me into.

Friday was also a big irritating but NICE night out with Naq.
Irritating because i kept thinking about someone in particular, and honestly, it was due to that thought that made me succumb to my impulse expenditure.
Naq and i were like saying we don't want to spend so much, ya-da-ya-da, but then we ended up still spending $30 each to the minimal -.-
All thanks to sisha and the arabian drinks from Nabin! OMG! but the Laban Wardah was awesome! +.+

Since the happening was at night, my Tribe being a useless camera tool didn't help out much. I only manage to take a shot of Naq (enjoying halo-halo), and so the rest of the pictures are still with her. Boohoo!
It was such a nice chill out night with Naq, where we talked about everything!
Like gossips on sex, scandals, gays, guys, and also definitely about ourselves :)
We went home separate and i took a lonesome but nice ride back home.
When home, the ex text asking me to tell him if i was home as he doesn't want to worry.
So alright, i responded and we kinda talked okay, until i got mood out when he kept telling me to quit smoking so much. Blah-blah-blah

Yep, i've kinda started a phase. I call this a phase because i cannot be long-hooked with fags because i dislike it. And so i really don't know why i've picked it up again -.-
I guess it felt like a company of my tears and it kinda make me forget that i haven't been eating.
Well, it ain't a healthy habit and so does everyone says.
I appreciate their support and encouragement, but know that soon i will get over this phase.
But not now, not soon.

I got in bed by 4am and i woke up to a Saturday morning of family day event fun organized by the events company i am doing freelance with.
Met Laura at 8am and thank goodness Darren and Raymond didn't make much fuss.
The job scope was to be game marshal.
My duty was to take down scores and tabulate, but apparently, it had to do much more than stand around cheering the family on -.- I had to run around the muddy lanes.

Here are some pictures :)

Showcraft EVN family day Eastman Chemical

It was overall a fun day! I got home all tired due to the lack of sleep.
And thank goodness for Darren who took care of the staff's welfare gotten us breakfast, else id gone without food the day entire day.
Yes, i forgot to eat my lunch.
Earlier in the day, the ex contacted me, and still talking about his wants of establishing a friendship.
Of which, i was definitely still reluctant.
After Saturday when i consulted with Laura, i've thought that whatever happens, i have to keep away from any other form of intimacy, as it will not be fair for me, being a girl who will definitely get entangled to emotions, and thus will be an anti-catalyst of moving on with my life.

I relayed my thoughts to him that evening and he said that he doesn't want a permanent separation but he'd want to establish friendship FIRST which honestly, we didn't have.
I was like, "WHAT!?".
I kinda have no need for confusion so in any case, i guess i didn't pretty respond to that with any more questions. At that point, i felt my guts backed away. Sigh.

I fought the urges to question him further about his statement and to comment how contradicting he has truly become. He's just playing with my emotions i guess. He tells me that he still loves me and misses me etc. But i keep feeling that somehow he just need me to be his friend to get over me. But i work quite the opposite, i'd want to get over him first and then only i can try treating him as a friend. So how now brown cow?

Sunday was quite alright i guess.
Met up with Juliet, a party props supplier i met over at meetup, who wants me to be her contractor to organize birthday events etc. I'm currently awaiting the events specifications.
It's been quite awhile since i actually organize birthday parties. Hmm, wish me all the best aites! :)

After that met the cousins and my old 2hot peeps who used to work for my aunt's business.
Met at Istanbul area, at this point i've run out of my bad habits and ive asked Bir to get me a pack which he outrightly refuses telling me "It's for your own good".
Well, Azmi couldn't refuse me so i still got my bad habits going... Hmm
After the small reunion, i got home and i just had to know the answer to a suspicion that has been bugging me.
And correct as i can be, the ex has added back on FB the one reason for us to get shaky.
Like seriously, i was mad not because he added her back at the context of friendship with her.
But he totally disregarded my feelings, and not even thinking of my the repercussions to his action.
He knows that we have had problems which is her as a cause and despite having deleted her as a prove that she meant nothing to him, he totally went back on his words.
Come on! It was a fucking wrong move really.

So then i guess i decided, there's no point really.
I was right that he ruined things and he framed me to initiate a break up just so he could add her up again.
Lovely and a very nice itch really. Well, he can say whatever to deny and contradict everything, which he is all that he's good at really, but i will never believe him again. Not ever.
So much for professing his undying love for me. Guys, really cannot be trusted 100%.
Remind me again why i stayed 2+ years with a guy who cheats emotionally? Well, i chose to be ignorant. And as much as i loathe him, i loathe myself too for tolerating his contacts with her when i didn't form solid contacts with the ex before him, who he constantly feels insecure about. Sigh.
He just cannot fathom how much his action totally contradicted his position.
And what's worst? He compares my worth and values to her! Also, he blames me for everything.
I have cried my last batch for him. As much as i can help it, i will never let another one drop for him.
Not for any more guy for that matters.

Today i didn't have school.
I got out of my house and went around Pasir Ris to Tampines to cash out my cheque which as futile, as my boss has closed the cheque so i had to drop it in and get it only after 2pm tomorrow! Yawns.
The fight continued today and lasted till the afternoon, only settling down after he found out i have retaliated by adding my ex-boyfriend who he was obsessed about.
So he can add his and i can't add mine? What a sore loser!
Everything and every little thing he says which contradicts make me really think he's a fucking liar.
And as it is, i'm feeling hatred for him.
I hardly hate anyone my whole lifetime of living, but he and his ex definitely won first place.

I rest my case.
I don't want to have anything to do with him ever again, and i've fully decided on that.
I'm going to keep by my words and i hope that this is the last time i've to painstakingly talk about him.
Even after my trip out of town, i am pretty much settled on my decision.
I don't think i've much reason why not. Unless, i go softie again.
I hate hating people, which is why, i don't end up hating anyone for good. Just not built for hatred.
But i guess this is a different context altogether.

So long, goodbye farewell, Jeanath.

It's not over

It's over.

I've cried.
It was hard tears, i feel as if my heart will pop out.
Hard tears that made me feel as if id stop breathing.
There was a pull at my heart while i cried that seems as if every gasps of air was my last.

It was hot tears.
Angry, disappointment, regrets and more.
I detest the feeling.
I dislike feelings... Never really liked it.

I'd rather really be heartless so i won't feel anything.
I'd rather be alone so i won't get hurt.
Well, i guess now i can live that.
Yes, now i'm going to lead life lone.

Which will be good i hope for now.
So i can focus on the many things i should be doing.
To study well and do whatever.
Oh damn i'm tearing again...

Guess i really didn't need help from bestie to remind me to make sure i
feel fucked up now rather than 2 months later.
I just cannot understand how everything ended like that.
But i guess, unknowingly we shared THE last hug goodbye.

So be it i guess.
Goodnight.

P.S. I cant type anymore, im blinded.

Misdirection

Have you ever felt so sure of you the day's outcome, and then within a minute, it has vanished?
Have you spent a nice time with your loved one, ignoring a nagging feeling that - maybe - they might have not enjoyed the day like you did, so that you can carry on feeling happy having spent that day well - or thought so?
Have you ever felt so misled by the day's happening, that it just makes you all foggy and misty, thus causing the alarm system to go off.

Rrrrrriiiiiiinnnnngggg!

And the next thing you know, the vaults and the walls to your priceless possession starts shutting down again, even before it starts to fully stay wide open.

If you haven't, tell you what, think of the time that you thought yourself the most happiest, and then while walking home, you got run over by a huge lorry. Everything else was intact except that you saw one of the most vital organ missing -  (No not your balls, nor your bosoms) your heart.

~id rather have a bad day than have a happy day that turns out to be a bad day~

but then again, what does it matter to an already beaten soul.

Oh Darling!

Lyrics | We The Kings lyrics - Check Yes Juliet lyrics

Oh darling, i love today. Despite having better days, i think today was extremely special.

I will remember this day and i hope you do too.

It's not an official day to remember, but i think that today (6-7th November 09) we told and displayed to each other how we felt.

From the time at the pantry to the time at the park, i have never really felt you the way i have today.

Either i didn't appreciate you enough or i succumb to whatever dislike i have felt for you.

You're someone i know i should trust and rely on. But i guess not now, at least not fully.

I trust you enough but with limitations simply due to the reason i have told you.

I know you understood and you see my view, i thank God for today giving us such a wonderful time and a good conversation.

It's not easy to swallow something that is very awful, but i guess you're right - we either work it out and move on or we don't until we are both pissed and decide that we have had enough.

I realize too that in a relationship, despite one being at fault, it doesn't mean that the other did not play a part.

In any case, as long as both are in the relationship, the fight is caused by the mistakes of both party.

I guess darling, we need to instill in us something like an apology session for the mistakes we have done.

I've guided you through about that, and i hope it gave you a nice feeling? :)

No matter how big or how small the mistake it, sincerely apologizing might abolish more negative emotions than expected.

There is more to us than just the turbulent moments, and as the days passes by, i find myself falling more and more for you. I do try to fight it but darling, i'm not winning.

You're someone i cannot fathom without despite me insisting i could.

I know how much you love me darling. Oh, i do.

And thank God that we have found each other.

I love you, very much.

<3 shenath thomas dias

It's not over

I just cannot fathom life without you.
I can tell you how much i can do without, or even run away for a long time.
But i cannot really keep you off my mind.
No matter how much i think i can hate you, it just get crushed to nothingness.

There are some things i can never swallow and a few injury that still hurts.
It caused me to bleed, and i feel that this hemorrhage will never cease.
I want to tell you so much what causes me to feel as such.
But i can't, simply because i have been hurt far too many times.

No point to vocalize, no point to be emotional.


Ironic isn't it? I'm emoting now.
I can't help myself.

~it's not over~

Bruise, Cowardice, Embrace

Anyone who can touch can hurt your or heal
Anyone who can reach you can love you or leave you



"I bruise easily" by Natasha Bedingfield

Everyone can pretend they are great, they can wear a mask to hide from the world's prying eyes.
We can go day by day always surrounding ourselves with people to feel less lonely, but is that really the motive of being around people?
Or are we all just cowards who need presence of others to stop tears falling from our eyes.
Do we seek others' company so as to feel stronger, feeding off them unknowingly.

Are we really strong people we hope the world to see?
I'm sure we can go day in and day out disregarding the presence of the mask that help us go through the day with unscathed emotions and indifference.
Over time, the mask becomes us and it takes a special type of people who have been around you or who are patient and observant enough, to understand why we wear such masks.

Are you like this? Can you openly admit to someone you are, if not to yourself?

If you can't admit this trait to yourself, you're a coward.
What is much worst is that you are a coward to deny that you are indeed a coward.
A pitiful state to be in.

I know i have led this life.
I'm going to have to lead it again.
To prevent hurt, pain and the reality of suffering.
All i have to know is that i always need to be practical and reasonable to myself.

Leading such a life again doesn't mean i'm going to stop loving or whatever.
Leading such a life might actually avoid unnecessary negative vibes.
Embrace your cowardice act, get in touch with it and eventually, learn to deal with it.

~riding the low with style~