Blog Anew

Yes, i guess it's quite the time to actually relay that i have a new blog.
I will not be blogging here anymore, but i will keep this for memories.

When i get back from the hiatus season, i will release the new blog.
I've started posting there already but i am not really ready yet to release.
Another thing is that i wonder if i should keep the blog away from him.

Oh well, i guess i wont post here my new blog address for now.
I don't want me relaying how i feel and he reading it, making him feel fucked up.
I still love him, yes, but it's not feasible, anymore than we can and have tried.
It's not going to be easy, and i'm not young and naive anymore to find short term solace from anyone or anywhere for that matter.
Despite everything that had happened between me and him, i do love him and i won't deny that i do.

That'll be too proud and too foolish.
There's no point denying how i feel when i'm feeling it.
I have to stay strong and true to my words because that's about the only thing i can hold on to now.

I know he'll get over me and i will get over him, one day.
For me, i guess i'll always have a hard time to do so, because in any case, even if i have doubts about his feelings for me, i will always remember the good he'd shown.
It hurts me to hate him, and the abhorrence i'm feeling about everything about him and his ex just makes me feel stupid. Like i've been made a fool for 2+ years.
I know he still care and he still love me (to at least a mark down what i feel he feels about his ex), but i know i cannot give him the friendship he wants of me.

Why?
I'll never get over him if i remain friends with him. Not till i know and im confident i will never succumb or get stuck to emotions of what i feel for him, will i want to be his friend.
I can't and that's final for me.
Even tho i am tempted to think of his feelings, but truth remains that he didn't think of what i'll feel when he added back the one person who made our rship crumble slowly, but effectively. He didn't think of what i'll feel after knowing how hurt i was about his ex.

Also, to see or hear he'd have someone new or is bedding anyone else for that matter which will be none of my business really, will actually put a very huge pile of shit on me - that is since friends are not suppose to be mindful of whoever the other is seeing after awhile, after the break up

As of now, i guess and somehow i do feel relief that he has stop his pursue of friendship.
I appreciate that.
And despite my want to just run to him to feel better, it will not be permanent cos i will recall whatever hate i have harbored these few days.
I will recall a lot of things, which makes me really doubtful about everything we have had. Sigh.

In all, i do just want everyone to know that he's a good bf, but to the right person, and not just anyone else.

The right person is that someone who he never want to lose touch with and will even disregard anyone's feelings just so he can take care of that someone's feelings.
The right person is that someone who can be the perfect person for him, who can fit the world and who he can never say anything hurtful to.
That right person will be that someone who he can never find the heart to curse or to think so horridly of.
That right person will be that someone who he will respect ultimately with no doubts, who he knows he never have the need to feel insecure about.
Someone he can trust without any conditions and one he can have without the need to seek the comfort of friendship with exes or whoever else he may find on the cyber space.
That someone is that person he'll never be hot and cold with, who knows him deep down completely.
And i guess that someone is that person who is dependent on him, just as how he will be dependent on her.

And i know that kind of someone is just around the corner for him, and the moment he realizes and finds her, getting over me will be history.

Me on the other hand, well, im not so confident.

I'm too fussy and it takes a whole lot of a man to really be my man.
It takes a certain amount of trust, faith, love, responsibility and respect, to be able to really accept me for me.
It must be someone who does not judge straight-away and who will listen to no one (not even his own assumption) but me, because he'd have enough faith to know that the moment i gave my heart and my all, i'm for keeps.
Who and what i can do is something that man will be expert about, and will never accuse me of anything he think that i will do.
That man is someone who need no comfort or even be emotionally inclined to any of his exes, who will be faithful, and emotionally preserved for me.Well, there are a lot more in the package.
But that package no matter how great, must always begin with friendship.
As i've learnt that now, that no matter how long you can last but if the solid foundation of friendship isn't there, the relationship will always be based on the shaky connection of boy-girl relationship.
I know i may not be miss universe or miss perfect so i really don't think i'd find anyone in this world (damn i'm in trouble), let alone this country or continent to fit me completely.
But nevertheless, i know that man need not fit the world to fit me, because in any case, that man need not fit anywhere else but my world.

What i have to offer and what's in store will definitely be worthwhile, especially if we ever come to marriage.

SIGH.

So enough blabber. I'm sleepy...

The final post i will do is the collection of pictures Hidayah had taken for me and him, as a note of farewell of this blog.