Me; Reality

Many people know me to be the happiest, the bubbliest, the one who always have a smile on my face. I make the most of happiness because it's meant to be appreciate to the fullest.

There are people however who thinks that if you allow yourself to be too happy, there is a hidden motive that life has, which will later ensure that you are sad.

But as I see it, you are first sad then you know happiness. For how can one know happiness when one doesn't know sadness. These two come hand in hand.

I've always been seen strong, tough, manly, unemotional, and I like that. No kidding. Yet, I appreciate thoroughly those people who welcomes the opposite of what I portray.

Yes, I've emotions too.

I have the downfalls, the moments of tears and contracted chest, to the point of inability to breathe.

Many a time, I avoid being alone, because I keep remembering how I've completely let my grandma down. For over past 6 months now, I still cry about the same regret; the same pain that causes me to lay bare on my bed, hoping that I can turn back time.

If only I could, and do what I should have done at that moment of time. I'd be much at peace having to let her go. But now, I don't think I can ever...

{Until the time we are all raised up to Christ, and maybe only then, then only can I be complete}

I miss her, and I'd have given half of my life now to turn back time.

And the other half of mine, to seek God's permission to let my grandpa live long; long enough to see me married, have kids, and fulfilled the promise I've given to his wife, my dear grandma.

{I've already have that granted, and I've claimed it sweetly}

--

There are much to thank for, and I'm happy actually. Despite the tears, the happiness comes in much increased abundance.

I have a relationship that I can understand, and with whom surprisingly knows, and says, what's in my mind.

He's has passed the top criterias that grandma told me a long time ago, and I didn't realize so till just recently.

Therefore, it's been affirmed that I didn't just 'stumble' upon this relationship for nuts.

Still, more to come. There's a big challenge I see though, but knowing him, if there's a will there's a way. That's what I love about him.

{Honey, I hope that you're the half of the sacrament I've been seeking}

--

This August 16, 2011, is grandma's first death anniversary.

I'm going back for 10 days, and plan a program, and hold a peaceful distribution of heirlooms & will.

Let's hope that I can find peace after her one year, as I seek to reconcile with this regrets.

{When I think about going back, I get angry with myself too because I make fuss of ensuring I go back, and for what? When she's already gone? But I've to always remember my grandpa is still around}

In all, I now promise to myself that I will do things even if I might regret it, than regret not doing it.

{Love you, Lola.}



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