A New Year!

Wow.

As i checked my last post, i am very ashamed how i have abandoned this blog.
I love writing and yet, i haven't updated much about the happenings of my life since July's post regarding my 2 months being single.

Well, as it is the butterfly ring had more in store for me.

You see in the past, old wives tale, even my parish priest, Fr Albert, says that butterflies symbolizes spirits of the dead. In this case, it symbolizes my grandmother.

Shortly a few weeks later, my grandmother fell ill and eventually the sickness, which was rather minor, took her away from me.

Regrets and complete heartache befell me.

I had already planned my trip to Vietnam by July 30, booked and paid for my 4d3n stay in Ho Chi Mihn City during my birthday week on 21-24 as i took a one week leave.

I don't think i really took the seriously the situation of my grandmother, i never even fathom that my grandmother will leave me one day, and never at all did i see nor feel this coming.

I usually do when something bad will happen. But this couldn't have been bad i guess, because it never went on my 'something bad will happen' radar. I actually took to heart more the pain of having lost my 3year boyfriend, because i know it's already going, gone, gone. The only moment it felt real was when I went back home in the midnight with my mother and sister with bloodshot eyes crying.

I cannot believe she was really gone.

My world was definitely 100x crushed comparatively to having broken up with my 3 year bf.
Because i know i can never hear or speak with her again. Never.

So anyway, i eventually flew to Philippines to take care of her burial rites and everything.
I'm blessed to be the one to be functioning still, to take care of everything. Although it was hurting like an intentional cut of the knife on the flesh, i still had to be the one to arrange it all.

My grandfather and I.

Well, i guess we both are the ones who had the most regrets in life pertaining to her so it's only just right that we help each other redeem our conscience.

Another aspect of my life in 2010 that becomes a highlight was that only at the loss of my grandmother did i realize that I don't know much about Catholicism, nor any type of religion at all. It also awakened my age-long question of religion. I have been caught in between two religions for the past 13 years & so here i am, already decided.

I embraced my faith as a Christian again. To affirm the calling, i was called to join a 4 day Parish Renewal Experience (PRE).

Laura joined with me and we took a journey to renew our faith together. As it is, we are serving still, under the Youth Ministry. I took another responsibility under the Charismatic Prayer Community in IT assisting in the powerpoint slides coordination. In the Charismatic group, i never fail to actually remember that granny must be happy i'm following her footsteps, serving in church.

These are one of the things that i promised to her at the foot of her grave. She is the only pillar of Christianity in my cradle Catholic family, and i guess she has chosen me to follow where she left off.

I felt really good about everything as i embraced my faith. No longer do i rely on my own wisdom, knowledge, strength, or positivity. No longer do i get exhausted chanting in the morning, "Today is a new day!" with no form of divine request of assistance. No longer do i rely on my own will. I feel like I'm backed up by faith.

Faith in oneself is nothing compared to having faith in God - because i have always had and relied on self-faith, and so i know the difference.

The only thing that eventually still poke at my scars is the loss of grandmother.

As months passed, i decided to completely forgive and forget the hurt i felt with regards to my recent ex. I hated him, but i guess i can never ask for God's love if i have hatred in my heart. So i removed all the hate i have had about him, then i uncover the amount of love still present for him.

I decided to fight for it.

Then again, i was 7 months too late.

It was me who wanted to end it, it was me who pushed it all away, it was me who rejected him, and so eventually he saw no reason anymore not even the love he felt for me, just because he feels that I've already ruined the view of his family and friends on me, by the amount of hurt he has incurred.

Well, the only defense i had for that was that i know that his family and new/old set of friends also knew that i was someone he was totally happy with. And all the hurt he incurred was self-inflicted because it was not even half the pain i incurred from him. Nevertheless, he's a good man. Just maybe, not the one for me.

So here in 2011, he doesn't seem as if he existed besides the fact that i recall great moments still. Esp some traces of memory at my place, and places we usually hang at. But someone's presence actually makes everything of him seems distant.

I am full of question actually, as to why of all people, he's still the one who can console me from deep within.
It's like his very presence in my life becomes the antidote to my heartache - without even trying, without even the full force of comforting.

But there's always something i'm afraid of about him.
All this times apart... How can it actually still be possible?

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With our eyes closed, we go on with the pretense that we know nothing.
But language of flesh did the talking, the momentum of things started.
And yet it has to stop... before more things occur.
I now stand aware, how things are still there left to bare.

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I said to myself and to everyone before, never again. Never ever will this thing occur.... and yet it even to the minute scale of it, something did, and as i can see if we, or i, don't fight it, it will continue.... on and on and on and on till it's too late to drop it and go.