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Monday, May 28, 2007

trash and hunk

so like there are two sides of stories yesterday 27/05/07 - good AND bad.
(it's a long entry, do forgive me - with pics)

so let me start by the bad :
i quarreled with mum and it was a real bad one.
it was so bad that i packed my bags with clothes and it hasn't been really unpacked.
but i stayed home as i am now.
anyways, there are many other reasons as to why i wanted to run off.
i have a place to run to still and it is still him.
but then after some thinking i realized that i am thankful and utterly grateful,
that i couldn't find myself to be there anymore.
i couldn't find the reason as to why i felt as such.
and also, i realized that i have to stop myself being a burden to him.
as long as i can help myself and there are many other people to turn to,
i will not go to him.
not because i dont want to look for him and ask for his concern anymore,
but because i feel that i dont want to be asking for more of him.
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dear to you,
there was once i still recall,
when we were trying to get things clear,
about being a burden, about me looking fer thee.
there is that moment i almost cried on the phone,
of what i heard and i found out,
that you'll still be there,
and that you will still be around.
you were saying how you know that i cant survive without you.
and so that is what im trying to do, to survive without you...
not because i dont want to survive and be with you,
but because i need to be stable and strong on my own two feet.
and so i left you cos i needed to be strong to survive with you.
no one can teach me that apart from myself.
but thank you for everything.
mungkin nanti kita akan menjadi lagi...
jika kita masih ada jodoh...
jikalau sahajah...
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so i havent spoken to my mum yet.
im in school now and i dont know how it will go at home later.
i would say it's like another moments of utter silence.
i cannot apologise because what she has brought up is so out of point.
she jumps and picks on whatever wrong she can see,
not even thinking hard of the good things that i have done for her.
(so thanks mummy, for always looking for my wrongs.
someday you'll see i shall be your only aid.)
there seems to be a great sour in our relationship.
i shall just be waiting for a time that she's the one who gives in.
and try to stop her foolish pride.
i can say my mum is the best yet but she has the most unreasonable and foolish pride yet.
she see me as JUST-A-DAUGHTER.
okay, so i was home till i finally decided to get out of the room(refuge).
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so yeahs, before i went out, Boi got me to call him.
then later on when he found out that im going to run to the ex,
he was adamant that i dont.
he was suddenly half angered. i was confused and so i asked him why is he acting as such.
so then what i asked got me all entangled.
and so i thought i was just a friend to him.
i didn't think that he still wants to go on with me.
all through i told him that i am his friend cos i didn't want to hurt him.
i didn't want him to put it to me why i cant give him my 100% love.
i told him the truth that i am still stuck in the past.
i was really honest with him.
and i feel that i might hurt him.
so i told him to think about it, if he's ready to gamble or not.
and so my answer to him when he asked of me?
read on further...
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this is the start of the good side of the day ... hehe

so i went out with jan to destress - camwhoring, hunks finding, ikea "OMG"-day.
anyways, we made friends with this filipino hunk looking. =)

*pare, pagnakita mo to sorry ha. featuring ko lang so blog ko.*

okay, let me summarize how we all met , he was approached by this LIVE THE DREAM ppl.
then suddenly, i got aware that he is a filipino, so ended up talking with him in tagalog.
then later on it led to hanging out and starucking.
but he really remind me of my uncles - esp his eyes.
he has the Bautista eye features.
so i just have to asked him if he's a Bautista or NOT. haha.
okay, the result of all hours chat at starbucks?
*he is my aunt jackie's fren. aunt jackie is my mum's close fren. hahhhaha. wow.
and he's lifeguard at wild wild wet, downtown where aunt jackie works.
GOSH! haha.
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close of chapters abt him.
then jan an i went to ikea and all.
haha. so here are the pics i promised!




the bed at ikea damn soft!!! haha.
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okay, so about my answer to boi?
it was a YES.
i don't know if i did the right thing.
i still think that i dont want to hurt him.
i should not have right? but i guess i should not deny someone the right to love me.
if he really do, i might love him back one day.
(hidayah, i know you dont approve, but i guess it's no harm.)
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dear baby,
i dont know how long u can stomach gg on with someone
who is not even in love with you.
but since u said that you are prepared to try and handle whatever consequences,
then we try. but pls dont tell me and slap it to my face that i play you out or something.
cos since the very beginning, i have been honest with you...
and thank you for understanding.
hugs,
me.
With Love & Regards, at
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