waves of love

a wave of love that comes either to irritate or to overwhelm you so much that you cant decide whether to jump in and swim within the waves.
it comes to everyone yet, to me, it comes rarely, because i think it isnt worth to just jump in whenever any wave of love sweep against my feet. why this reasoning comes about to me i dont know. also, i dont think i want to know. it has been long since i have really sink my feet within the shore of the ocean of love and honestly, all i have been doing was to dip my toe in the water by the shore.
but as you all know, i did jump in this ocean before and swam in it. i swam in the shallow side as well as the deepest of it.

i wouldnt deny that it was scary but it was worth it. i loved it. it treated me with so much love and it shielded me away from every hurt and pain i felt. it took away my grief and it gave our love so much passion that i became complacent. and then the wave got too rough and the ocean just forced me to get out and take refuge away from the shore even. it pushed me to the shore where i wouldnt be hurt from the storm that is tormenting it. that it wanted me safe from the hurt of the ocean storm. so on the rocks, away from the water, i sat just watching the ocean calm down. then just as i thought i want to move to another part of the shore, the great waves swept at my feet and it invites me to come in. well, since i have loved swimming its deep parts, basically i just love the ocean, so i waded this time. then once again, i loved how it treat me, how it hold me as i swim. it was really calm and playful at the same time. it invited me to swim further in and into the deep, i thought why not, but then somehow, i witness how it let another being let her feet in the water. and then when the swimmer got thrown in by the winds it didnt push the swimmer back out. then because the ocean pushed me to the parts away from the incident, i didnt know that im actually sharing this ocean with the other swimmer. i didnt like it obviously, all the time i swam in, it never invited anyone to even WADE by its shore. all it allows was other interested swimmers to dip their toes and never more than that. i felt betrayed and so i swam back to the shallow but as i was about to leave, it spat out the swimmer to the shore and never invited her again. so then i stayed for a while and then i went back to my refuge to teach the ocean a lesson. i asked for its permission to go, to understand that i have to do what it is that's right.

weeks past, i know that the ocean needed my presence, so i came back for it. all the more because i NEEDED it badly too. so there we were again, playing around and very lovingly secure, and then i made a mistake in swimming away to the other side where i saw many other creatures. i know these creatures, so i played with them, disregarding the fact that the ocean only wanted me with it. It only wanted me to play and enjoy with it. But i neglect the ocean, being unnecessarily angry at it selfishness. Then knowing my mistake, i talked to it, leaving words written on the sands of its shore that im letting go. that im sorry for ever causing torment within its waves, within it. But it has to be done. From then on, i never heard of it again until one day when it told me to come in it again. but i thought of excuses, and i turned back. yes i still felt love for it at that time but i cant stand its torments and so i have to go. although it left me so broken and lonely. although i went to wade within other parts of shore, i know that i still wanted the same spot where there was so much connection that i felt within the waves of its love... then when i found out that it has invited the other swimmer to swim into it, i was happy for it because it wont call out to me any longer. that it will treat her the way it loved me so. but before i truly had let go of our love, i was like these .....



(err oh yeah, wait for the BACKGROUND song to end. then play. sorreee.)

**okay yes i did hurt HIM too. and that im the one who left him. fine. but still this is not about him. this is about ME. :) **

but i learnt to move along fine without going back to the place of love. i learnt to move to a different place and to build my own place near the shore of love. but i never once even wade in it. all i did was to just dip my toes in it should it ever call to me. but never once did i get seduced by the waves of love. NEVER. i was stubborn, yes, but for my own sake. it was for my own sake that i didnt swim anymore. then i thought i would forgot how it feels like to put my feet in the water. i thought i would forget how to swim, how to love. then this wave of love push forward to me, so close that i thought why not i try again.
so now as i write this, yes, i never thought that i would even let this new part of the ocean come at me.
i never thought that i would put my feet in.
i never thought that i even will consider in wading in it.
but yes i will.
this ocean is different. it is more obvious in showing me how much it appreciate me. and yes, im seduced. i dont deny that. but im still fearful that this wave will only be a temporary one or it will bring torment again, so i told these ocean that i wanted to move to my own accord, within my own timing. that it shouldnt force its waves to even try to push me to the deep. at least not yet. i want to be familiar with its shore first. im happy that this ocean understood. honestly, i will open up my arms in embrace this time. and i wont open my eyes. i will close it and follow my heart. yes.


so for now, i think i'll try to be honest with what i feel. i cant say that i will fall in love with this ocean. but i will try.

-love love love-
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