What Matters the Most

There are about so many things that matter in my life.

Family, Church work, Career, Friends, Social Activities, Financial stability and many more.

I realize somehow that there isn't suppose to be anything bigger than my relationship with God. That amidst everything that is important in my life, my God should take the first place.

But being human, I falter, and I fall harder most times in my road to holiness.

A Carmelite nun told me before not to live like a nun outside the monastery. I fear losing touch with God and only after finally thinking things over that I will never lose touch with him if I always make the choice to renew my relationship with God.

Despite my iniquities and failures to follow Christ, I believe that God still loves and is faithful to me. He has something that I can never ever find in any lover, in any suitor, any date that I have had.

A handful of my friends asked if I ever really thought about being a nun. I said of course, then there's a but. I guess I don't see myself worthy, perhaps I find that I am not at a level of holiness that I can fully accept such a life that is demanded as a religious.

Also, deep down, I know I want to feel loved. Physical love.

Most times, I feel that the unconditional love that I search is most evidently only found with God. And I am honoured to have felt it, and to even felt the preview of eternal love with the Divine One. But, in prayers, I admit to Him that I want to have someone with me. Someone who accepts and loves me for me, and who better can give that but someone whom He sends.

However, for now, I know I am not ready yet.
And so I hover around, fluttering by like a butterfly till I finally find somewhere to land.