I was actually pondering this subject in my head - How come till now i haven't gon gugu gaga (crushed madly) on anyone, that is then worth enough to flirt continuously with in hopes and wish to have him as my boyfriend or my potential hubby? *Laughs*
You know, the kind of budding love that can make your whole life a little bit more exciting romantically? Maybe after being on two long term relationships that didn't last, my excited mojo just died after the recent ex-boyfriend i bide adieu to.
So now, most dates i have been with are due to reasons. They are decent and nice guys who makes me smile.
But is the decency and the nice feeling of smiles worth it to settle compared to being in an up and down roller coaster ride with tons of real love and affection? I don't know much now, but hey, when i get a real answer then i shall thread back to this topic.
Lately, i have suitors who have been asking me out but i'm not saying straight 'yes' to them, with one suitor last month has been given the boot because he reminded me of why i dislike being in a relationship. So what if i date a lot and i get reminded why i dislike being in relationship again. Then what happens?
I'm therefore looking for a guy who makes me see why i preserve and fight to be in a relationship. Even my last relationship of 3 years didn't really put me rooted to the ground. I couldn't find the reason to stay most of the time due to the hurt i felt which he caused, and due to the hurt I give him which i'm guilty about.
In any case, i realize i lost my fighting spirit and the need to hold on to a relationship after my 'first love' spoiled me. I don't know why for him, i stood standing for years. I held on, i persevere, i didn't say goodbye, and i fully compromise. We ended cos of huge miscommunication and misunderstanding. After him, my next relationship started half hearted, but proved to be the longest and most trying one. I loved the guy but the hurt made me all the more uncertain how to hold on to that relationship. but for the 'first love', it's like a different language of love altogether. Maybe it's true the saying 'First love never dies'.
& now it's funny how after 5 years, were back in contact and i found out some things during some times spent that i was really surprised about. I didn't really know how to take it to my hands, so i rode the waves. But then i eventually cannot find the reason to linger...
So i float.
I'm now seeing this guy lately. We met at one of my favorite club joints. I don't usually like seeing guys i meet at clubs but he's different. He dance and he's very respectful. I guess he's one of the guys who goes clubbing just to dance and enjoy, instead of the typical.
We're at the moment friends, with the benefits like those who date - head out for dinner, chill out, hugs, kiss, hold hands - but with no commitments, or even talks of such. The last talk we had was we found out that we 'like being single' and that's that.
There's just an aspect that makes him really different - he respects. So all the warmth and care i get from him, they're all full of respect, full of 'if this makes her happy, it's enough' kinda respect.
There's no force, no expectations, no hopes... Just fun and company.
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However, if there is that one guy who still seem to make my heart beat so fast, it's *him* despite the many volumes of my love stories. And i can never understand why...
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