candle flames

i sit hanging around the entire forbidden city, never ever thinking that i will still be a shattered piece.
that no matter what had happened between us, you still hold a spark in my heart.
whenever things turned dull for a moment, i look back to our memories together and im fine.
but as things get too much and that i just had to fall into more pieces, shall i realise...

there are many of those i pull back from because of the hurt i got from you...
i stayed in denial not wanting everything to fall into pieces more often than i should...
i always go back to the past tho i know there is a vast future right in front of me...
i have a hard time trusting anyone who says he loves me and even tho im a strong girl,

i can be the weakest and most vulnerable.

i then ask myself will this be how i am forever as it seems.
i gave you my heart and although you break it unnescessarily, i stood strong cos i know u need me.
i lay there beaten most of the time, fighting every sorrow and lonely moments i could.
i loved you everyway i could and i still walk down memory lane even though i shouldnt.
we seemed to be the couple that a lot of people had hoped will last the longest.
we were that couple who give each other what we need.
never had you ask something you know i wont give.
never had you ask me to do something that i wont.
but there are things that makes you such a heartless piece of shit.
when the time came that you told me that i was giving you a hard time, didnt u think im worth it?
i know you know i am, that's why you choose me above others girls, but did u ever think why i chose you?
because i thought you were worth it.
but we didnt turn out to be what others expect of us...
dearest love, you because of you i learnt to love.
and because of you i learnt to fear of love.
sigh.

as the flame dies, i let it ....
after moments in the dark, im beginning to see without the lights.
but as it gets longer, my eyes get strained.
the lighter has been offered to me by the ALL-KNOWING lord, he knows i will need it one day.
although i fear that the flame might burn my fingers, i am willing myself to just put my hand to the lighter.
so that if ever it is the time that i choose to light the candle of my heart, it will be easy.
but nevertheless, i know i have to realise that the fuel in the lighter will never be there forever.
so im counting days in my thoughts, should i light the fire or should i continue within the dark serenity??

to light or not to light... it all depends on me...