stupidity much

totally shithead...
made another mistake..
uh oh... haiz... sry darling.. it wont happen again. promise.
stupid lor... kate me ngan dier dah okay, beh i add lagik satu..
punye bengs. ugh >=|


but anyhoo...


darling, im sorry if i made you feel like that okay.
i dont know what it was that made you feel as such.
im waiting for tmr to know what it was really.
thank you for explaining and thank you for reconciling with me.
and im sorry for another round of freaking shit i have to throw at you.
so so so sorry... super sorry.
dont know whether to laugh at myself or to roll around madly or something.
uggh! but anyhoo, even tho it was bad timing, i just had to tell you straight away.
was afraid if i tell you way later, you'd get a wrong idea again. that's my intention.
but too bad it went on the wrong timing! for the last time, sorry.
i love you!

okay. i re-posted this post to put these!
i just finished making these! =))

=)

some lesson i had today.
i officially slacked today...usually my slack today wasnt the slack i usually do.
when i slack i usually still have a good outcome.
today... im typing these while having the team presentation.
RP-ians... you all should know how slack is that... -.-

anyway, today's ryan ashley pereira's birthday...
"happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...
happy birthday to ryan, happy birthday to you...!!"
**this is two of our old pics lol


all-time brother ass... haha someone's 18 already. finally eh?
no need to do anything illegal anymore! =D
anyway, long time no see also. dont have the time anymore.. school's too far. lol
and end too late.

NEXT WEEK! finally holiday.
shenath will be working the whole week except friday and sunday.
dont think we'll be meeting up tho... lets see
maybe i will go for lady's night... fyzah, wanna join? =)
shenath wont be able to join me for this holiday... see my mood also...
but i want to spend my holiday weekdays to catch up with all my all-time darlings...
also, i want to have some alone time.. shall go for a lonely spa...
and catch up with jan rick oso... shall keep friday free tho just in case shenath decided to meet up =)

anyway, photoshop madness is still very very fresh.
today i did... (at least i helped..)
transformed from this...


more to come!!
plus! my class is going ALL BLACK FOR HALLOWEEN-Y TOMORROW!!
yeye.. and ALSO... my class is nuts about photoshop too!! wahaha!!!

okay gtg...


somehow still emotionally emotionless.
he's still in that kind of phase. dont know...
i know the difference when he's not happy at all.
no matter how normal he tries, i still can feel the difference.
dont know.. it made me feel as if all i did was purely under my full INTENTIONS.
im waiting for him to get over this... dont know when...
hope it wont take too long cos i really dont want to responsible for my weakness to overcome me.
nvm. i shall just pretend to live in my sugar-coated world where no one is to be blame...
and i shall just close my perceptions over him... being to receptive is some how not such a good thing.
being like this makes every lil thing obvious... it's like im a magnifying glass.
hmm... and no im not going to do anything stupid in this phase.
i dont want things to turn sour for us. i wanna strive for a happy love life...
had too much shit before..i hope he can at least learn to F&F with me... (forgive and forget)

Jeanie jean jean

today 12hr work got reduced to 10.5 hr work. lol
early saturday morning woke up so early at 8.30am! yawns...
was shocked awake lah! uggh... i tot i overslept. haha then later my colleague say i
suppose to come at 1030 not 10am! hehe
in the end still late... gosh! im turning to jan!!!

anw, to jan rick mascarina!
get well soon too aites! =))

i went off work early oso, gotten flu cos i woke up early! haha
during break time i rushed to whitesand put money in my bank! haha
then end up catching cold while walking in the rain for 5 mins! uggh
immune system cocked up ready. uggh since like after dropping dance i was soo unhealthy.
no no no... wait, it was dance that made my system broke down. lol
what the hell... to the threesome(hid and haj), hmms u both know what the hell happen that whole year. lol
dance like crazy. until system cocked up... im still dreaming of having rejuvenation.
but time aint permitting it... lol i shud go to malaysia or philippines wilderness or something!
meditate on a mountain... sisters wanna join?

uggh actually was supposed to head to Italy earlier this year with bro Roz.
GO FOR RETAIL MEDITATION! =(( go for ITALIAN sight-seeing... haha
hang out and chill in Italy... haiz.. end up... POSTPONED...
BUT BUT BUT!!! got this offer to go to KOREA!! next april...
i dont know if id like korea but my mum said korea is nice. haha
trip to korea's actually FULLY PAID! haha everything... lol
but must go for some performance or theater dance or something ah.
then it got me thinking to re-shape up for dance... DANCE.

to threesome... or BDQ, im hoping ur all going nuts with envy now. lol
nah not confirm going leh... i lazy to re-shape. haha tsk tsk tsk...
shud join sports first lah. but pysio said i cant jump to it yet... my injury still needs consultation or advise from the sports doctors. yeahs...
lets see.. might go soon.. but must get the parents to pay. yawns..
so much for being born in AUGUST. both my injuries are in august.
SAME AREA SOME MORE! uggh. haha

kks lah.. talking to much...
ciaos

p.s. i love you... shenath... =))

Schedules

hectic is the word for today
i cut class but it seems as if i even benefitted from it
usually when i do so, i actually chill out and have fun
in the day's case, i was running around madly...
oh and please hold your horses in the imagination side, im not going mad or anything!
im very much mentally fine, just a little bit untuned but im alright =))

anyway, today i finally got my computer reformatted
IT help desk was really worth it when you come to RP
whatever happens to your laptop - in terms of system down - you can get it fixed, re-fixed - whatever =))
this is one of the things i appreciate in school
okay well, shenath gave me the key to his hostel so apparently i am able to get some rest, of which i didn't even have time to do so!
so in the end i waited for him...
this week i must say, it's like a shenath-jean fiesta...
the last three days... today's the fourth...
i have been spending like 90% of my time non-class period time with him.

anyway, i really hope jan rick mascarina isn't going to hate me
he himself is very busy actually...
**wish you all the best for your entrepenuership stuff!**
then my so-called clique - me, cody, sandy, yihao, vanessa - are like out of touch
when they want to meet up, i have to refuse, then they will complain...
and then when i have the time, they neglect THAT time...
haiz... very hard lah. i dont really want to make a big fuss but i hate it when people say that i have neglected important friends.
i never chose to do that okay...
my boyfriend isn't that type of person who wont understand if i need my own time...
so please people, i dont need anyone telling me that i have been a very bad friend.
i juggle whatever i can... family, friends, boyfriend(s), school, work, social events, whatever...
i just hope you all can understand that i am very limited as i have only been blessed with one body.
i promise here with my blogders as my witness that i will make time for every important people who deserve more of me.
but please try to consider my limitations...
thank you

anyway, ling darling... it isn't intentional that i didn't tell you about sisters meetings...
i smsed you're hp but you have already changed it... of which i only got to find out last night when you smsed me goodnight... so im sorry if it has seemed that way.
apparently, nurul cancelled on me on the last minute, hajar's granny passed away and she isn't in the mood, plus she's working.
hidayah is the ONLY one who didn't even respond! please read this please read this - hehe
i feel very much detached from all those special people in my life...
even jan seemed to be so detached...
i wake him up whenever i can via calls, but that's all i can do... he seems so out and about, without anymore consultations from me..
but i know he's still there... im not worried... that bitch needs me... =)) haha
anyway, to all my friends, please dont ever detach yourself from me, no matter how much you think i neglect you.
I DONT... i am genuinely busy... even me and my boyfriend have to schedule our meetings.
i really hope ya'll understand!

to those affected... im so sorry.
i'll make it up to you all....

monday 1/10/07 - nurul
tuesday 2/10/07 - 5/10/07 = still up for booking okay
wednesday 3/10/07 - SUI! photoshoot/videoshoot and boyfriend

anything call me beforehand okay.
thank you

jean, cooking?

Cooking madness...
Updating tonight... im late for work!!!

Apathetic

the earlier poem i made
seems to be contradicting me
i feel like i want to let it burn
but a part of me wanna try again

im too indecisive when im hurt
when im slumber lacking
and when i know im right
with my fault admitted

emotions rush to me
something that i cant help
something i wont seem to handle
even if i can id just let this hurt be

nothing seems correct right now
someone says to give him a chance
another says to let it die
but i dont know

at least not now
at least not yet
maybe tomorrow id know
maybe tomorrow id see the answer

so for now
hold tight
and enjoy my emo days
like you've seen my happy ways

updates.

i woke up to the sound of thunder in the late late morning.

ignored it for awhile and then someone called.
she told me to tell my mother that the masseuse will be coming at 1pm.

then i realized it was my aunt so i drag myself off the bed.
such a sleepy pig i am!
so i went to the mum's room, saw Haizak (the malay spelling for the most argued name since ever - Isaac)

he was such an angel and every time i come to him, he smiles.
my presence i felt is very distinguished to him.
he didn't only smile once or twice. he smiled A LOT of times.

my exhaustion left me instantly.
it was like a boost in the system that i can only feel in that weird special way.
my brother... my dearest youngest sibling.

so seeing my lively manner, mum asked me to send off my sister.
i was goofy just now. then came the aftermath of the night.

now im too tired to even psycho myself to get off the bed.
all im able to do is to type away, listen to songs and plainly just pig around.

i must say, my room of this late has been one like a pig sty.
very very much awful to the eyes. i cannot stand it anymore.
i will have to just do the cleaning after bathing.

which goes to say that i official stink of booze, cigarettes and whichever
unwanted smell there was in the club all clinging onto my skin.
to think about it, i am showing signs of barfing...
im horrible sometimes! call myself a young lady. uggh
i think im worst than the boyfriend. hehe

anyway, last night was fun but as a whole, not very much what i expected.
*sobs* i was utterly disappointed how the night went along.
but to come to think about it, the night itself was testing my resistance.
of which i must admit here that i was so tempted.

then again, there is someone who's holding me back =)
desperate idiots who wants pussy so bad would just come around and touch you.
not even keeping to their zone of comfort.

it's a club yes, but i still believe that when the girl is not inviting anyone to her,
those dudes should keep away. dont ya'll agree?

i was tipsy but not enough to let down my guard.
then it wore off cos i feel that Laura needed me to stay sober.
she was gone - totally

in here i wont say what happened.
she was so high i dont even think she remembered what she did.
i am not into judging people, let alone my friends.

on another hand, i learnt what it means by why boyfriends dont let their girlfriends
visit those nightlife areas. unless of course the girlfriend is me...
haha okay. self praises is not allowed here for now.
i feel that i am very proud of myself, of which something i have already informed the boyfriend. lol

i hope that if he even visit the club, no matter with his brother or whoever, he keeps to himself.
look, see but no touching. that's the rule of boundary at the minimal for boyfriends.

you can trust girls but never the guys.
it sound very sexist but i must say that guys are just guys and very much human.
im not saying that all girls are good and prissy but im applying it to the majority of the wrong doers- guys. lol
gosh im sexist. no guys dont take it the wrong way.

im just saying that guys are capable of a lot of things.
especially when it comes to places where loose pussy are available.
why say this? because women has been the source of conflict in the world of man.

look at what happened to the great city of Troy.
The great emperor of rome, Julius Caesar.
the great general of rome, Anthony.

ALL SEDUCED AND RUINED BY WOMEN.

it has all been this way ever since Adam and Eve's time.
most conflict are resulted by women.
we, women are meant to be kept and treasure by one only.

being a person who cannot pass off as a saint, i admit to own wrongdoings myself.
because i wanted to test my power over certain dudes, i guess i didn't even realize that
the attention im getting are from guys who themselves are 'happily attached'

i have bad experience of being the third party before.
and i vowed never to fall under that again.
i am turning over a new leaf. actually i have been for the past months.

only now it's maximize cos someone said to me that i have him to hold on for.
and that no matter if we work out or not, only at that time we'll know.
and to you, i thank you.

well then lets get back to the updates for last night.
nothing special really.
i saw people who i know..

at CM - cheeky monkey - i saw someone who told me not to say i saw her there cos her bf doesnt know. lol hehe naughty girl...
at MOS i saw the long lost best guy sister, Jasvender...
he was still looking BIG as ever. bouncying and all.
so nice to see him after like months and months.

After some nice semi sober time at MOS we went to Gotham penthouse.
the source of Laura's 'downfall'... lol
then this i have to tell boyfriend later when we have longer time to talk.
AT GOTHAM : there were Whites and Hispanic dudes doing some performance.
and they were stripping up. showing hints of Man G-strings.

hot hot hot... noting to self : look but dont touch. hahaha
this is the way Gotham treat their ladies in the house.

it was fun all through till the ending time. twas irritatingly and horribly hilarious.
Laura was blabbering nonsense.
Jas was shaking his head.
Laura's boyfriend came down to pick her up. sounds kinda pissed...
wish them all the best...
on the phone, he told me to send her to his place and so i did.

the cabfare was major bomb! but it was expected.
good thang i have my cards. if not id have to seduce the driver to let me go. lol
okay just kidding... uggh id rather seduce the boyfriend.
hahaha

so in the midst of all the hype and the disgusting ways of clubbing.
the camwhore in me reigns strong!
so here are pictures!!!! hehe

and one video at GOTHAM. lol

On the way to Clarke Q - cab


ATTICA drinks - Cosmopolitan - i swear it did something to my system.
Cosmo did something to our system. came out of Attica a lil bonkers.

Now at CM a bit bonkers...
To MOS
Laura Ashley...
Aren't I great in photography?
Some peeps we made conversations with. took their pics and we left.
retarded pics lah. haha
okay. this is cos im tipsy. haha
The lady with the sash is having her Bachelorette Party at Gotham. haha. Happy wedding!!
then THE PATRON of tequila served us REAL tequila FREE. just to do what?
TAKE HIS PICTURE. and us drinking it. uggh talk about retardations.
wasted Laura hate tequila. but i was tipsy enough so after i sip, i didnt take anymore.

then now see what happened abt the tequila. haha.this is on purpose okay.
not lesbian when im tipsy.
this one is totally FREAKY!!!
i was too tired to open my eyes. plus the FLASH was horribly bright!
one..
two, three... wheeee!!

this is what frustration and alcohol to do me.. horrible picture ever.good photography? hehe

last but not least. the most retarded picture ever.
it's kinda obscene and if boyfriend complains, im taking it down..

THE BOYFRIEND HAS PASS HIS JUDGMENT
HE SAYS TO PUT THIS PICTURE DOWN.
&he says i look like a stripper

and so the night ended.

i hope it will be better next week.
and i hope the boyfriend can go too =))

whatever part 2

i havent slept properly since the induced labour my mother has experienced.
as i have earlier proclaimed, i have a new baby brother.
he looks like my dad, his eyes however, has a tinge of Bautista in them.

i am currently tapping into others internet.
my internet is down =( kinda cause a contact barrier b/w me and shen but im still able to find devices to get through to him. phew.. im sucha good girlfriend right?
haha and jan, stop protesting that im still not his girlfriend.
im his "woman"... (i would so prefer to be called his lady)
haha... whatever...
yesterday, we were smsing about how fast it seems that we got together and how long it felt that we knew each other.
then i forgot to recount that part when i told him that maybe at the end of the year i might have to fly to the phil to do some stuff-cum-vacation...
then he pops that question. then i asked him, so it means that it's exclusive that we are seeing each other?
then he on the other hand seem to get it wrong and say that i want to see some other people. lol what the hell.
it doesnt mater. i know that if we really end up as in OFFICIALLY TO THE WORLD together, then things will materialise.
then again, im afraid that i might get dump for doing some stupid mistake and im afraid id back out in the last minute, or he might do some stupid mistake and get dumped by me.
either ways still seem quite possible right?
uggh i dont know.
well, i better get back now.
i didnt bring my hp and i know he has already finished work.
he's bound to sms me 20 mins ago and im still here typing away.
going going gone!
poof!

the day and some thoughts

well first of, i must say that since Mira has brought up my all-time happening birthday celebration, this may sound disheartening for those people who love the parties i hold.

however, it will double the pain in me - i may not be celebrating my 19th birthday! =((

i really enjoy throwing great parties..
and i am so honoured that my parties are the ones you people truly love going to.
as you all know my dear people, my mum is expecting to be due this month.
and it is most probably be around my birthday - 23rd August.
well, to those whom i know is planning my party, im thanking you really.
like aww jan, you're a wonderful guy.
if only you we're straight... ewww!
haha. anyway, jan is going into depression.

it's Shen(mr. crush)... jan is jealous of shen - he thinks his bgf is getting pulled away or something.
darly no k. everyone's my friend and i dont want to lose any.
okay. so ive revealed mr. crush's name.
just to remind all sisters, this is still in the crush zone.
i dont think he'd settle anytime now... plus, we're both flirts.

also, the situation is that we are friends with benefits - i dont know, we never talk about this.
it's those spontaneous things. que sera sera.
no one is tied down to no one. i just hope im not just his other woman.
i so totally have enough of being the third party.
for some fateful events in my love dept, i have been the third party at least thrice.
so if Shen is reading this - "please dont lie to jean when she ask if you have other women. she must know cos she prefer it that way"

okay, i must say that i really dont really feel truly satisfied.
i cannot help it, sometimes it sucks but when i think about the future - my future - it's better to wait till the 21st.
if however, they drag it till 30th or if last minute they tell me that i am not eligible, im killing them - no way im going to wait that long.
ima screw the damn milions or billions or whatever...
*to those who dont know what im talking about - just forget i say this, haha

however, i must say too that Shen is really a nice guy.
i hope he really dont end up dumping me after like i dont know. haha
but that's it, if im getting dump for that 21st birthday event, i dont know what to say.
and whatever it is, im fine. im not placing hopes and fears on anything...
im a good girl and i know God looks after me even when im not holy. =))

well today, i spend my day quite well and quite happy.
to Shen, i had fun today =)) but u guys are pigs!!! uggghh
go get yourselves french maids so that you can like have fun while they are cleaning your hostel.
omg, i bet Shen's friends' women will run after me with knives! =0

oh this afternoon, belated birthday boy khalid msn me.
he said he wanted a massage. hahaha, i know dear boy, you love my massage.
it made you go oooohhh and aaahhhh rite? hahaha sure i will, come crash my school k.
it'd massage ur head and neck like i always did. my school got sofa and all. haha

then just when i was walking home.
the most sweetest ever, a dog humping a cat! haha okayy that's Shen talking! like wtf.
i cant believe he thought that was sweet and worst - romantic!
uggh. okayy. so back to what i saw.
this boy in his just turned teenhood, or not even close, was knocking on this window, calling someone.
so the window opened and then he climbed up the sill and he talked to the 'friend'; it appeared to be a girl. it reminded me of me when i was trying to get out of my window to sneak out and flirt with some cute neighbour, in the Philippines.
okayy. the main point is, it's sooo cute. so romantic. so childlike.
innocent and pure, it was i seem to not have now.
not that im already used or sexed - but i have a corrupted mind, so you cannot count me pure.
haha and certainly aint that innocent.

okayy. i want to turn in soon.
just waiting for mr. lost crush to come online.

okay. for the time being, do me a favour and do this.
it's for a very good cause, a research that is being conducted... [LINK]

5 REASONS: BDQ ISSUES

in response to your tag and to your very well dedicated post,
i must say that im going to be very honest here now okay?

i flared for one, is because im not feeling your sincerity in trying to meet up and all.
besides, you're not the only one who have the right to 'not feel it'
i cant and it is stupid to keep being content with a second priority.
i appreciate everything that you and the rest have done.
im not selfish in giving you all appreciation and rewards of course, you know me by now.

but then you failed to comprehend that im not selfish in giving you the chance to not give in to me.
i am selfish however when i think that im in the right.
so too bad for you my dear that you have to let me know that im not.
no one knows their wrong unless someone out of the box has spoken to them.

and to correct you, this has not drag double-sidedly.
to you it may so have dragged but to me,after i said what i wanted to say, it's over.
i cant be bothered if you wanna let it drag or what.
because like what i said to hajar, it's up to you to talk - i didn't say that i wont now did i?

another thing to let you think on.

is it WRONG(as you so boldly and 'blatantly' put it) to be angry at the fact that i am trying to pull us together, because apparently, im the only one who has made the effort in giving you people a once-a-fornight if not a once-a-week call.
i think that if not me trying to pull us back together, there wont even be any other meetings whatsoever.

and also, is it WRONG to emphasis how you have always left me hanging?
remember the other time when the gathering went berserk?
i felt the most affected, if not adding nurul, why?
because im the one who wanted it so badly for us to even give THAT one day to have each other.
then again, it went wasted.

okay the final thing.
imagine this and put yourself in my shoes

you so miss hanging out with everyone, so you call em up.
so some say, 'oh sorry, im a little tight with my schedule already. maybe id meet up with you soon'.
and then another says, 'ohs see first k?' - i repeat- 'see first'
(which one would you so gladly accept?)
so then you feel these 'see first' people are leaving you hanging when your on that verge of excitement to meet.
then being a human, you felt as if, you have to force them to turn up.
when in the real fact, they pledged themselves to this friendship and whatever it is you had with them.


and for two, i flared because you went outrageous saying that im being childish in getting so over-reactive over this SMALL matter? then you went on having some 2 way conference with someone you know you too AREN'T happy with either? so now was that suppose to be mature?
you and i both agreed to talk to her about it when we were talking in the bus on the way to my house, and now you had a 'conference' with someone we were suppose to have a talk with too!

for three, i flared because i couldn't help but force digest what you said about me thinking im always right? well i am feeling right.
so correct me if i am wrong, NO ONE, especially NOT ME, told you to swallow everything i say or do.
you, at the least as a friend, who've claimed to know me deep down, SHOULD KNOW THIS BY NOW - that i give you the right to tell it to me face front.
YOU AND ME - if it doesn't work out - ALL OF THEM
also, I DID NOT TEACH YOU or impart values of a TIMID to you that you yourself have to stomach things that you are not so keen about.

for four, i flared because YOU FAILED to realize that THIS IS 100 000 000 times that you left me hanging.
NOT JUST WITH YOUR all time 'see first' but also with your unreturned phone calls(of which is not an issue).
and you have the guts to tell me that IM WRONG in telling you all those things i said.
if i dont tell what im feeling, who the hell will?
dont you know me by now? that if im not happy, i will tell you?
then why do you come so close with me? you should know..
i dont care if you blow up a whole continent or the entire world as long as i tell you what i feel and how you have so wronged me or the importance of our friendship.
and also, you failed to keep in mind how understanding i can get...

for five, i flared because i love you.
i didn't feel enough support from you anymore.
in dance or in class events, you have always been there.
you have always been the one to remember the dance steps that i make (that you know i suck at remembering)
and then i feel sad that im not being remembered by you anymore.

you have always been my bitch no matter how retarded our stupid quarrel seem (remember the fight about that stupid dog.)
i told you im sick and tired of your 'see first' not because im having PMS or whatever.
but it has been long overdue.
understand that.
LONG OVERDUE.
sometimes, you got to try to let me in to what you're so busy with.
tell me the truth what is burdening you and whatever you are caught up with.
and not just a plain and stupid 'see first'.
you always tell me your stupid shits and hand me your dirty laundry to wash for you, why not these simple VALID reasons?
do you think that i will get pissed off if you tell me that YOU HAVE ECONS, POM(whatever the hell is that), TONS of project?, i duno just shoot.
i give you the right. i give all the right that even my BFs dont get.
why? because you and the rest of them are important to me.
i get the effect because i feel that none of us will be in this FIVESOME if not for me.

and you realize that i gave FIVE reasons.
that's because, you bitches are important to me.
ONE BY ONE
and after this whole chunk of EMOTIONAL-POUR, we're going to have sex!
ERR... as in honeymoon okay.

i love you so much.
and please arrange a call back time for our TRASH session - with mei ling of course on the line...
she wont me meeting us for two months.

retarded&sweaty

just finish being so nervous.
why?
cos my team was a little bit messed up.
did UNSATISFACTORY work for science.
love the subject but then i realise somethings.
NEVER GROUP WITH YOUR OWN CLIQUE!
it's already proven and experienced by me today.
all four of us, lucky sandy wasnt, are in the same team, the outcome?
COLD AND SWEATY PALMS. fugged

so here i am just recovering from the 'nervous breakdown'
CODY watching what im typing like a retarded fool. LOL
"fuck ah you" - what a vulgar respond

okay whatever, organic compound is soo hard for today.
talk about being prepared(I BROUGHT A CHEM BOOK WITH A DAMN NOTE!!!)
the final outcome, still 'SWEATY'
anyway, let me share with you the most retarded video cody and and his sec school buddy has done.
(was half wishing it was him who was flung. haha)




well okay, i got to go for now.
still love science though...

oh yeah, im meeting nurul for a movie.
yeay, meeting my deary.

love
hugs
kiss

kill time

current multi tasked doing : blog and eating

i finally found what i wanna wear for the shoot.
the rest of my clothing dont seem to be around when im in need of them!
but anyway, i have found the best for this shoot.
DECENT AND COMFORTABLE - not that my other clothes are not decent. lol

oh yeah, previous entry wasnt complete..
so after work, i went to gugu (kukong) 's house. so to say, to his place.
but he wasnt there as i have expected as he should be at work anyway.
nurul was supposed to come along with me being her the one to come up with this idea.
then last minute she canceled on me due to her granny's short-hand info. stupid
anyway, didnt matter if i go alone or with someone anyway, if he is there, i wont talk to him too.
and even if he's there or not, i seldom talk to him too - rarely to better put it
well, gugu - a new name i decided to call grand uncle, kukong, uncle, buddha - gugu
twas supposed to be G.u - then he said gugu better. lol then fine.. gugu it is...
hahaha.
gosh! i just realise something - it's his family that still kinda bound me
but it dont matter lah, so what if we're over anyway, it doesnt mean im over with his relatives or whoever rite.
that's why i still come over anyway, besides, i see gugu like an elderly family of mine
at least it kills my missing of my grand parents overseas.
=))
if there's another thing that i should thank him it would be that, he gave me an extended family, even with his mum and gugu...

i think ive killed enough time with this entry.
ima have to go now.
update ya after the shoot of the film.
*i still have to rehearse my lines!!
ciaos

update on 8th june 07 hehe

well, my day was alrite.
went to work -

happenings at work ;

1. slacked the whole day
2. played cards with the fellow staff - tai tee. (lol)
3. hidayah came to the cafe, we had some small gathering issues brought up - hmmms
4. strange attractions. period.
5. saw cousin azmi!!! haha. missed my cuz man!

well yeah, the cafe didnt have much customers. for a weekend it is empty.
but i guess there are loads at night tho. it's always the case.
anyway, there is strong feeling about something that i am choosing to ignore
- i just cant seem to acknowledge it no matter how strong it seems to give off to me.
it dont really matter, it would be passe in time to come anyway. i guess...
anyways, the gathering shit is just gonna be in the past now. i putting it behind me aites.
do whatever, say whatever, i wont be bothered. done
so this monday or tuesday or BOTH, ima ton with cuz azmi and the boys - who are coming!
ahhaa. well, i guess ima have to be the pimp again - lol
long time never see azmi man, he changed his attire a lot - more cool
i like seeing guys on polo tees and just the plain ol' formal polo.
guys, you would all look hawt in it - in my eyes tho... hehe
you guys, show ur sophisticated nature through what you wear and how you treat us ladies =))

ohkies, i think ive talked too much now.
im sleepy! haha.
ohhs, and i have an early day tmr - i have a shoot!!
anyways, it will be at Charcoal - hehe



i love the place - i wonder how am i gonna pull it off!
arrrghhh.
anyways, Charcoal @ cityhall - 2pm-5pm
but i have to be there by 12pm! - preparations
im yawning like mad.
the coolness of the room and the comfort of the bed is getting to me.
bye

fuk shit

Cancellation of THE GATHERING

great!
ive been thinking - it's like everyone has been too busy with all this.
im gonna cancel the damn pit.
i dunno if im thinking straight but i hate to keep thinking that im the only one bothered with getting together.
i mean, yes, i can see they are into all this, but the prob is that, im not feeling it enough.
everything's not going accordingly.
it's like cos of something, there are those who feel weird ard ppl and then those who just plainly dont even try to compromise.
and then again maybe im being paranoid - maybe cos im the type who will go all out fer my supposedly C-L-O-S-E frens - THE CLIQUE
maybe im asking too much that two of my CLIQUES come together - maybe it's too much.
okay, then fine.
i guess this is what i have been feeling - i'll shut up about gatherings

for heaven's sakes people, am i the only real person who must help myself?
thanks.
i dont know if what im seeing is the sign that says, "maybe frens really come and go"
i dont know what to think and i cant and wont be bothered anymore.
also, i wont be holding anymore gatherings just to let those know.

anyways, maybe it's just my fault that the pit is only available on that certain day.
and also, maybe it is my fault that you all just have to make plans tt you think you cant cancel on.
and then maybe it is my fault that im just being the type who asks fer too much...
maybe i shud put it in that maybe it's my fault that im asking for is too much such as to just put this gathering as the priority.
i dont know what's happening to you all - you'll used to put all this things first.
maybe time has really changed.
plus also maybe i can say that im just a paranoid bitch not feeling your interest in the gathering anymore, tt you all have to think deep before saying yes... hmms - okay fine i am then...

maybe when you all have started to hold all these yourselves only then i will come.
or if you all cant be bothered then fine - i can always do with one-to-one meetings you know..
oh and nurul, thanks for bothering at least even tho u'll be schooling before coming in ur UNIFORM. at least you really do make the time.
and thanks for cancelling your plans with your new frens this sat - i can see your real interest in this gathering and (i just apologize that it is pushed to tuesday.)
cos i aint feeling it with the other sisters... hais

anyways my bitches, see ya all one day.
good luck with whatever and enjoy well with your new frens.
loves.

today hees

Happenings since last entry :

1. i realized that i aint a bitch abt dumping the current ex.
2. met up with the sisters at changi airport - pre-planned for the upcoming gathering
3. i hv been thinking more often of my bitch
4. i called him without any pure hesitation
5. filming is eating my brain up (met the grp on monday)

today : im freaking sick

1. poor pregnant mummy's sick =(
2. chatted with mami and found out he's there
3. went to work
4. ate like a pig
5. called him again just to ease the urge in me

i can think of many reasons why i still have enough love sustained in me for him.
i can think of many reasons why i shouldnt come to him like i use to always do.
i have so many reasons why i have to run to him
i have so many reasons why i just have to stop myself.
and mind you, this is not a poem.

i have been thinking about him more often as i have this few weeks.
let say i have been having him in my subconscious mind and im pretty much aware of it.
this is ultra weird but i guess im just so used to having weird stuff abt me and him.

okay enough about him. i get irritated myself talking about him.
it's like an itch that i cant get off myself scratching.
my holidays so far is full of mixed or i prefer it to be unknown emotions.
now, it is wednesday and the time is 3.02 am - and im still awake!
anyway, i have this weird attraction on this guy.
and i would rather commit suicide than tell anyone about it - i cant even accept it in my mind.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Updates about the Gathering :

Date : Monday, 10th June 2007
Venue: East Coast Beach Park
Theme: Casual Gathering (Camping)
Cash Contribution: $10 per person

Invites
- first degree peeps have been informed!
- 2nd degree friends will be informed very soon...

sisters, do try to be able to ton.
jaja and ling have no excuse to not be able to ton.
with exception of ling's work, then maybe if she really cannot get leave on tuesday, then she can dont ton.
further news - call me or just see the confirm detail latest by Saturday.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Filming Groupies

Shoot Venue : Charcoal @ The Treasury (City Hall)
Time: 12nn-5pm
Jonathan and Alex - do submit the equipment loan form done ASAP.

get to me at mary_jean14@hotmail.com for further clarifications.
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I know this song has been out quite awhile back, but i wanna feature it here.
I dont know why i have a sudden attachment to this song. hais.

Usah Lepaskan by Taufik Batisah

break up and other stories

friday's main event : broke up with the latest bf

i know i know, im being a bitch. but i really cant help it.
i just have to do it. i seriously cannot end up liking him more than a friend.
so why did i went on with him in the first place? cos i gave myself a chance to
see if can like him or not!
haha
so it ended up as a big NO.
he's a total friend ONLY.
but i guess i just lost a friend again.
well, it dont matter... guys are like that.
if they dump you, they'll want you to still stay as frens,
but if u dump them, they'll just fuck off your life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
people tend to meet and grow old together,
but i didnt feel it was you and me,
it's not you, it's not me, it's fated,
that i break with you now.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

then school ended with cognitive process and problem solving module.
hehe
and then i realized that i checked out some guy... (cos of sahidah lah! haha)
shhhhh...
OMG. but what can i say, i did like his shirt.
enough about that, okay, so i got a date on saturday(supposedly) but then
he cant make it the last minute.
so he still does owe.
well, ive been chatting a lot with him lately and i dare say that he has impressed me.
to an certain extent of propriety. hehe
and so i realize that i do like being impressed and kept interested.
i didnt know how to explain myself until just now,
when there was this guy who seem so eager to get to know me, but he isnt even putting
enough effort to do so. err both guys i am talking about now are different ppl.
well, i guess im just not ur typical kinda gurl.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

i saw pride and prejudice - i fell in love with the character of Mr Darcy.
and then it got reminded me of Hugh Jackman... i thought Matthew Macfadyen is Hugh Jackman at first!!
haha gosh. im in love with gentlemen and strong characters that can captivate me.
so someone please captivate me - guys only... lol

two characters that can make me really fall
- mr darcy's quiet, haughty and proud ways
- romeo's persisting charms and romantic bad ass ways.
arrrgh. i wonder if there's anyone who i will find like this.
i should live a life in theater. haha
i hate watching movies, i get soo into the character that i forgot it's mere movies.
for characteristics in movies does not truly exist.
not even mr darcy's and romeo's nature, for they are flawless lovers.
to my eyes that is. (munira, i bet u understand what im tryna say.)

what i need is romance back into my life
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
por favor,
me deseo amar otra vez
mi corazon necessita amor.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

and then again i think, i guess im the only one not letting it back into my life.
i mean, im just being hard on love over and over again.
whenever it's there i take it for granted.
when it isnt there, i just want it soo bad.
-human nature-

i gtg. im sleepy =*() ...
nites nites

trash and hunk

so like there are two sides of stories yesterday 27/05/07 - good AND bad.
(it's a long entry, do forgive me - with pics)

so let me start by the bad :
i quarreled with mum and it was a real bad one.
it was so bad that i packed my bags with clothes and it hasn't been really unpacked.
but i stayed home as i am now.
anyways, there are many other reasons as to why i wanted to run off.
i have a place to run to still and it is still him.
but then after some thinking i realized that i am thankful and utterly grateful,
that i couldn't find myself to be there anymore.
i couldn't find the reason as to why i felt as such.
and also, i realized that i have to stop myself being a burden to him.
as long as i can help myself and there are many other people to turn to,
i will not go to him.
not because i dont want to look for him and ask for his concern anymore,
but because i feel that i dont want to be asking for more of him.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
dear to you,
there was once i still recall,
when we were trying to get things clear,
about being a burden, about me looking fer thee.
there is that moment i almost cried on the phone,
of what i heard and i found out,
that you'll still be there,
and that you will still be around.
you were saying how you know that i cant survive without you.
and so that is what im trying to do, to survive without you...
not because i dont want to survive and be with you,
but because i need to be stable and strong on my own two feet.
and so i left you cos i needed to be strong to survive with you.
no one can teach me that apart from myself.
but thank you for everything.
mungkin nanti kita akan menjadi lagi...
jika kita masih ada jodoh...
jikalau sahajah...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

so i havent spoken to my mum yet.
im in school now and i dont know how it will go at home later.
i would say it's like another moments of utter silence.
i cannot apologise because what she has brought up is so out of point.
she jumps and picks on whatever wrong she can see,
not even thinking hard of the good things that i have done for her.
(so thanks mummy, for always looking for my wrongs.
someday you'll see i shall be your only aid.)
there seems to be a great sour in our relationship.
i shall just be waiting for a time that she's the one who gives in.
and try to stop her foolish pride.
i can say my mum is the best yet but she has the most unreasonable and foolish pride yet.
she see me as JUST-A-DAUGHTER.
okay, so i was home till i finally decided to get out of the room(refuge).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so yeahs, before i went out, Boi got me to call him.
then later on when he found out that im going to run to the ex,
he was adamant that i dont.
he was suddenly half angered. i was confused and so i asked him why is he acting as such.
so then what i asked got me all entangled.
and so i thought i was just a friend to him.
i didn't think that he still wants to go on with me.
all through i told him that i am his friend cos i didn't want to hurt him.
i didn't want him to put it to me why i cant give him my 100% love.
i told him the truth that i am still stuck in the past.
i was really honest with him.
and i feel that i might hurt him.
so i told him to think about it, if he's ready to gamble or not.
and so my answer to him when he asked of me?
read on further...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
this is the start of the good side of the day ... hehe

so i went out with jan to destress - camwhoring, hunks finding, ikea "OMG"-day.
anyways, we made friends with this filipino hunk looking. =)

*pare, pagnakita mo to sorry ha. featuring ko lang so blog ko.*

okay, let me summarize how we all met , he was approached by this LIVE THE DREAM ppl.
then suddenly, i got aware that he is a filipino, so ended up talking with him in tagalog.
then later on it led to hanging out and starucking.
but he really remind me of my uncles - esp his eyes.
he has the Bautista eye features.
so i just have to asked him if he's a Bautista or NOT. haha.
okay, the result of all hours chat at starbucks?
*he is my aunt jackie's fren. aunt jackie is my mum's close fren. hahhhaha. wow.
and he's lifeguard at wild wild wet, downtown where aunt jackie works.
GOSH! haha.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
close of chapters abt him.
then jan an i went to ikea and all.
haha. so here are the pics i promised!

i was drinking alcohol. haha.

we were having camwhore sessions.

there - im drinking . he isnt! idiot. haha.

at tampines mall

with this local actress. sorry. forgot the name =)

LIVE THE DREAM? no. im underaged. =(

jan and me - camwhore major

camwhoring - pls dont be surprised

jan said i looked slutty. really meh? no wat!

i want this in my room!

okay, i wanna get comfy. lol

the bed at ikea damn soft!!! haha.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
okay, so about my answer to boi?
it was a YES.
i don't know if i did the right thing.
i still think that i dont want to hurt him.
i should not have right? but i guess i should not deny someone the right to love me.
if he really do, i might love him back one day.
(hidayah, i know you dont approve, but i guess it's no harm.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dear baby,
i dont know how long u can stomach gg on with someone
who is not even in love with you.
but since u said that you are prepared to try and handle whatever consequences,
then we try. but pls dont tell me and slap it to my face that i play you out or something.
cos since the very beginning, i have been honest with you...
and thank you for understanding.
hugs,
me.

in class: bored

Im in the class, in the midst of class presentation, and i still manage to take this pics and even get the pics of my other classmates. lol. btw, dong's speaking now. the faci is looking way LOST. like totally. i wanna laugh but i have to stop this madness.

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arrgh. i still havent really know if i wana go for the Hugo Boss Irreverance Party @ MOS.
laura babe is soo gonna knock me dry if i dont go.
but then again, i have a prob!! arrrghh! shit lah. i have to try to resolve it.
if i cant then too bad. i have to not go.
and also, im like half-hearted to go to mos.
cos i dowan to see him.
hais. i dunno lah.
anyways, i have to decide very soon!!! hrs only are left!! arrgh! haha.

so ciaos for now.
muahugs.