Thinking

another song dedication from the bf.

anyway, im not asleep at this time cos im thinking.
thinking about what?

i really dont know. i feel happy about some things and yet i cannot define it at a definite point of reasoning.
i can say that my life is unfolding quite wonderfully and yet i cannot let myself be complacent.
i have my responsibilities and i have already set a standard that i have to uphold.

so do forgive me if my postings of the late isn't that up to my normal standards.
thank you for reading and visiting anyway.
okay anyway, i have to go try and sleep.
i have to wake up early tomorrow - things to do!

good night.
so

Apathetic

the earlier poem i made
seems to be contradicting me
i feel like i want to let it burn
but a part of me wanna try again

im too indecisive when im hurt
when im slumber lacking
and when i know im right
with my fault admitted

emotions rush to me
something that i cant help
something i wont seem to handle
even if i can id just let this hurt be

nothing seems correct right now
someone says to give him a chance
another says to let it die
but i dont know

at least not now
at least not yet
maybe tomorrow id know
maybe tomorrow id see the answer

so for now
hold tight
and enjoy my emo days
like you've seen my happy ways

island fantasy

a new place that i saw in the email...
Sidapan, Sabah... take in the nice, tranquil idea this place gives you...
make this one of your fantasy island.
i know i am doing a mental note of it... a nice way to eat up the sleepless night
moreover, thinking up a nice fantasy getaway tires the mind and forces you to take it to the realm of dreams.
so i shall take that opportunity to dream.

i shall leave you scrolling up and down for the magnificence of mother earth

updates later

im having the worst sleep and im having a worser hangover compared to the other nights i drank.
okay, came home and turned in by 6am.
and now, it's 11amplus and im awake, mainly due to the freaking renovations upstairs.
i felt like going up there and killing em man! arrgh.
or is it just who i saw at MOS, and how it went like - ugghh
okay, chill jean.

so before i forget what to update ya, lemme come up with the content page.

1. clubbing info - laura babe, you're the best. thanks for the fun, twas my last ladies night for now :(
+O-bar & dbl-O
+ cheeky monkeys
- significant time : 1130 (i rmbr this cos i type it in my hp. lol) why?
- and there's the worst eye contacts i can have. ugghhh
+MOS
- the retro night ; not entirely the best but twas fun
- smooth ; rnb - freaking hell packed! (more info)
- pure ; round sofas
- retro room ; semi-drunken state subsiding
- smooth again ; entrance traffic and then i saw what i saw!
- went out
- smooth again
- home
(err some i really dont remember lah.)

2. **** i realised something - what i tried is sooooooo freaking wow. i survived it! *****

3. PICTURES!

so anyway, i promise to update later or yeahs.

J-A-N-D-A

i was about to doze off when ....

*someone called! caller's a friend and i found out something- i cant accept it! C-A-N-T
so then we were talking about other things, when we en route to THAT topic.
and then cos of that topic i cant sleep and so i decided to blog it!
i cant really say it here now, maybe not at this site. maybe at my private blog.
ONLY sisters and closer ones can view it - sorry public

i am utterly appalled and i cannot consider any valid reasons as to why it should happen.
and of all, why must it be that type? i am speechless - or limited with words. and only a 5-letter-word coming outa my mouth!
over and over again. it's that bad!
so i sought to try to have a clearer and much clean thought about it,
but the caller has detailed things that i cannot comprehend as to why it can even be possible!
im just sad to say that it is happening and i feel compelled to do something about it
BUT WHAT?

i have loads of ideas coming up this active mind, but im fearful. haha
it's crazy really. that hahas i put are all those nervous laugh.
that's it! i really do have to do something about it!!! arrghhh
what the fuck is happening lah.
it dont use to be like this as it is now! not sooo low and not sooo bad a scenario!!
and now, chatting with Khalid -
he says : second-hand product when it's back to you (editted sequence)
THIS SO DO NOT HELP!!!!
i dont know. i dont know.
i have to wait till the morn comes, talk with nurul abt this, and P-L-A-N

*name is not disclose for private matters

update on 8th june 07 hehe

well, my day was alrite.
went to work -

happenings at work ;

1. slacked the whole day
2. played cards with the fellow staff - tai tee. (lol)
3. hidayah came to the cafe, we had some small gathering issues brought up - hmmms
4. strange attractions. period.
5. saw cousin azmi!!! haha. missed my cuz man!

well yeah, the cafe didnt have much customers. for a weekend it is empty.
but i guess there are loads at night tho. it's always the case.
anyway, there is strong feeling about something that i am choosing to ignore
- i just cant seem to acknowledge it no matter how strong it seems to give off to me.
it dont really matter, it would be passe in time to come anyway. i guess...
anyways, the gathering shit is just gonna be in the past now. i putting it behind me aites.
do whatever, say whatever, i wont be bothered. done
so this monday or tuesday or BOTH, ima ton with cuz azmi and the boys - who are coming!
ahhaa. well, i guess ima have to be the pimp again - lol
long time never see azmi man, he changed his attire a lot - more cool
i like seeing guys on polo tees and just the plain ol' formal polo.
guys, you would all look hawt in it - in my eyes tho... hehe
you guys, show ur sophisticated nature through what you wear and how you treat us ladies =))

ohkies, i think ive talked too much now.
im sleepy! haha.
ohhs, and i have an early day tmr - i have a shoot!!
anyways, it will be at Charcoal - hehe



i love the place - i wonder how am i gonna pull it off!
arrrghhh.
anyways, Charcoal @ cityhall - 2pm-5pm
but i have to be there by 12pm! - preparations
im yawning like mad.
the coolness of the room and the comfort of the bed is getting to me.
bye

arrrhhhh

i woke up an hour ago.
had my late dinner.
sat in front of the com and chatted.
got end up with a new project in due thanks(i hope) to jan.
project? - choreography (TP jc peeps)
sisters interested, do help out! haha.
im still unsure - i didnt give a verbal signal i'll take em on but shit lah.
i guess ima have to help out and i hope the grp's alryte.
the basic importance - i hope they can really dance and they can pick up fast!

anyway, i wanna sleep soon.
im just listening to the remix over and over again.
and im not really feeling it.
maybe cos im not absorbing now. lol
it's night damn it!

p.s. i really hope the gathering is gona go great.
hais - and this is how much i miss the sisters...

today hees

Happenings since last entry :

1. i realized that i aint a bitch abt dumping the current ex.
2. met up with the sisters at changi airport - pre-planned for the upcoming gathering
3. i hv been thinking more often of my bitch
4. i called him without any pure hesitation
5. filming is eating my brain up (met the grp on monday)

today : im freaking sick

1. poor pregnant mummy's sick =(
2. chatted with mami and found out he's there
3. went to work
4. ate like a pig
5. called him again just to ease the urge in me

i can think of many reasons why i still have enough love sustained in me for him.
i can think of many reasons why i shouldnt come to him like i use to always do.
i have so many reasons why i have to run to him
i have so many reasons why i just have to stop myself.
and mind you, this is not a poem.

i have been thinking about him more often as i have this few weeks.
let say i have been having him in my subconscious mind and im pretty much aware of it.
this is ultra weird but i guess im just so used to having weird stuff abt me and him.

okay enough about him. i get irritated myself talking about him.
it's like an itch that i cant get off myself scratching.
my holidays so far is full of mixed or i prefer it to be unknown emotions.
now, it is wednesday and the time is 3.02 am - and im still awake!
anyway, i have this weird attraction on this guy.
and i would rather commit suicide than tell anyone about it - i cant even accept it in my mind.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Updates about the Gathering :

Date : Monday, 10th June 2007
Venue: East Coast Beach Park
Theme: Casual Gathering (Camping)
Cash Contribution: $10 per person

Invites
- first degree peeps have been informed!
- 2nd degree friends will be informed very soon...

sisters, do try to be able to ton.
jaja and ling have no excuse to not be able to ton.
with exception of ling's work, then maybe if she really cannot get leave on tuesday, then she can dont ton.
further news - call me or just see the confirm detail latest by Saturday.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Filming Groupies

Shoot Venue : Charcoal @ The Treasury (City Hall)
Time: 12nn-5pm
Jonathan and Alex - do submit the equipment loan form done ASAP.

get to me at mary_jean14@hotmail.com for further clarifications.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know this song has been out quite awhile back, but i wanna feature it here.
I dont know why i have a sudden attachment to this song. hais.

Usah Lepaskan by Taufik Batisah

short entry

im going out tmr with Salmon.
haha.. oh i love calling him that.
too bad baby cant come. =P
me and salmon will then have a wonderful pool challenge.
shucks, i can guess im bound to lose!
i practically have rust on my hands when it comes to pool.
hehe.
well, anyway... i gtg do my blog template now.
i hv taken some really camwhoric pics and it will then be my blog pic.
hehe. i love taking pics... plus, i really fell aww... haha.
love 'em tiara!

btw, i dont know if to feel awkward or creeped out.
i saw him peek at me again.
hmms. weirdo...
anyways, ciaos fer now.
love,
jean.

p.s. get well soon baby.
dont say i am not concern. hehe.
hugs.

eeeeeee

i have posted some words over at my affliated blog. do go to my links sections and click on AFFILIATED BLOG.
there are some words of wisdom there that i would like you all to read.

Anyways, im still awake. i wont be going to school later. i have some family issue that needs attending to and i regret having the need to miss my class =(
i dont know why but somehow, i miss school already, call me lame or crazy but yes it's true!
i cant wait for tuesday... hmms ooha. i will be having the cognitive process and problem solving module. arrgh. i hope this week we research on something much interesting compared to last week's Australian football.

Later, there will be some student lifestye fiesta whereby we have to sign up for our desired cca.
i think im going to have to do so on tuesday. no choice right? family issues?
okay, so i have somehow decided to just try for Drama and Netball. then again, one of the student leaders at the Orientation programme has asked me to go on to become a Student Ambassador. haha. me? student ambassador? lol. but i am considering you noe...
hmms. but if the cca stuff limits only to two, as what i have heard, then i will just go for drama and netball. but if girls have to go for nafa test to get into sports grps, then i will go for the SA.
:) simple what. :O


anyways, a friend has confided in me his confusion abt the rship of his.
a part of me agrees with him but a part of me tells me to tell him to try again.
i really dont like being in this situation whereby the person knows what is the best for him but
he still needs reassurance and so he or she asks me for my opinion.
but i hope them all the best for now...
=0













the way of loving is controlled by the mind...
who would give you love is not.
so pls heart, try to just accept the next best person who wants to enter my life.
** ito talaga ang kailangan kong gawin para umalis na ako sa pagmamahal na hindi napala totoo.. lo siento **

cant sleep

the firsts thing i want you all to do is to look at the time of my previous entry and the time of this entry...
i swear i wish for sleeping pills right now!!

i thought that i was already asleep just now but then i was mistaken.
after i posted that the previous entry, i lay down, switch off all the songs.
then surprisingly jas dear called, he was impersonating a police officer and he was telling me that im to come down to the police station for raping a guy i call sista gay! lol
i was in the "ok-dude-i'll-play-along" mood.. so yeahs. up till the part where i just have to cut the whole conversation of lame impersonations.
he was telling me that he was waiting for daryl and ryan to finish getting ready - they are going for some drinking session! he said, "wanna drink? confirm ur headache gone one"
wtf. i wish...
**im drinking tmr (hmms i mean tonight) but i swear i wont be drunk. no no no! never again.

then i switch off my phone and i slept! (i wasnt asleep! i was continually forcing myself to!)

okay anyways, i was in bed at 2plus when i realise that i really cant force myself to sleep anymore.
so i went to the toilet, freshen up and then i thought i can like sleep straight.
WHERE THE FUK IS MY SANDMAN!
i couldnt sleep lah! (im still wishing for sleeping pills.)
so upon surrendering to being awake, i switched on my hp, then it vibrated. i had a message.
"you're nt clubbing tonight ryt?" WTF.
i already told my kuzin that im sick and then he still ask me if im going clubbing or nt.
(**kuz, sometimes u can really be a blockhead!)
i didnt reply him at all lah. im frustrated enough to even reply anyone at all lah.
after reading his msg, i switched it off again.

then so here i am in the darkness of my room at 3plus am in the wee hours of the night, like a damn fool, im typing away in this blog.
i wonder how the hell am i going to survive when school starts.
GOD help!

i think i really need a bed buddy. -im going to log off now. im starting to yawwwnnn!

okie ciaoz. love love love!

baking cookies

i slept at 6plus
( the product of talking to another night creature!! ezzy dude. haha... he got me to turn on my webcam and then he didnt let me switch it off up till like 6plus in the morn!! then we hung up and i slept after. but i kept waking up so yeahs... )

then As buruk had to work overtime or something! haiz.. didnt get to go out with him as planned. ( kan org dah rindu then u liddat! haha. but i understand aites. u go gf!! )
i guess it's cos the sisters needed my presence at the small cookies-making gathering...
lol. nahh.. i didnt really help out much... but then i saw hajar damn stressed so i decided to help in the end...
all the way before i helped, i was like goofing around online with my good friends... haha.
chatted with my godsister, godbro and then my clown fren, kaiwen.. err no no, he's my personal consultant.. haha.
then the sisters ( hid, haj and mira ) got tooo stressed doing the cookies thingy so they joined me!
was like goofing ard with kaiwen as the entertainee... haha. lol.
he was like watching three bee yotch playing around.... lol. mira was at hajar's living room desktop. we were at her room on my laptop.
i had a hilarious day lah.. but really tiring too.
and im still awake! gosh i really need a bed buddyy!!! anyone wants to take the position?
MUST HAVE COMFY ARMS AND CHEST!
lol. okay enuff of my damn nonsense..

sisters !!! i had fun!

As... ! u owe me.. bluek!

okay ppl... gosh the damn song just have to make me emoo....
urrggghhhh.... my heart! ( wtf )

ooohhh and i just have to say it here.
SOMEONE FROM THE PAST FOUND ME FINALLY!!!
gosh i really have missed you lah sista! i cant wait for tmr!!!!
gosh gosh!!! i really need to see ya now!! we got loads to talk about.

OMG.
i realised that im missing alot of ppl now lah... haha.
gosh. school's starting...!!! im partly nervous and also excited!!!!

love love love

mr sandman

okay, so im still awake now.
so? big deal. there are like a lot of other ppl still awake now. right?
haha. okay, i know that i should not still be awake right now. but damn it,
i spent the whole day sleeping.
im feeling a lil bit guilty that im not even asleep yet at this time of the night.
when i woke up from a huge rest just now, i just had to get up, freshen up, watch some retardedly hilarious movie, and then hit the net.
then i ended up watching a dvd PRIME. ( i so need to return this dvd to hIM already and get back my cds from him too. )
anyways, before watching the movie, i was chatting with fyz and then i just had to switch on my webcam and i was goofing around as usual.
showing her all my stuff toys... then after that she had to say goodbye cos she's going to be talking to her mr eyecandy... sigh. i want an eyecandy too... or maybe just a mr sandman!!
haha... anybody want to be my sleeping buddy? p.s. you have to be single and open-minded.
hahaha. i sound so pervertic. like shit. anyways, the movie i just saw was so heart warming.
kinda sorta... i dont know. haha. i just feel that i need to start school soon.
ideas just keep rushing in on me. even tho im not really into having a relationship now but im like having thoughts of why not have a relationship now? like would it even make a diff if i hold it 3 years later.
would it matter if i were to have the relationship now or later... if it's fated i cant run from it right? so yeahs.
i guess if i do ever encounter a choice whether to jump into a relationship then i shall consider.
hmmms, i shall see about the situation...
but i still think that im jinx!
after my previous relationship with daryl... im starting to think that im jinxed...
like even though i have a chance to have someone really sweet and nice, something just wont happen. like gosh. help me?? anyone!
=) but im keeping my options open... maybe the jinx might not be a jinx after all.
maybe it's just not meant to be... like i really just have to find myself first.
haha. okay, i gtg hit the bed before mr sandman leaves me again.
okie okie. im gone!
ciaoz!

love love love!

something that i realise

okay so i got my laptop today. then i just had to sleep well. now i cant even slp cos i practically just cant. i have sleeing problem. gosh. where is my mr sandman??
i think there is traffic over the clouds. i use to sleep a lot but that was like years ago.
then i had my time to actually have a sleeping buddy. he made me sleep like a pig. haha.. then i forgot which is the pillow that made me sleep so much. dunno lah. i think i lost that pillow like since i dunno lah. okay, that's not important. i have to see a doctor soon. and i hope that this upcoming week, i can redevelope a new sleeping pattern. cos honestly, i will die if this insomnia really just gets worst.

i shall plan my whole work-free week great lah..
monday, i hope that i can meet As. been quite long since we meet up lah.
(and yes, i really missed you lah gf!!! haha.)
tuesday, no plan currently. maybe i want to ask all the sisters to meet up.
wednesday, maybe resting like shit in the morning till afternoon then im going with laura babe for some last ladies' night out.
thursday, rest day... i think.
friday, the last day i can thon out so i guess i will just take advantage of it.
saturday, rest...
sunday report to rp for the cypher camp...

yawns.
okay, i just want to try to sleep now.
im really damn tired but i cant seem to sleep.
i need mr sandman!!!!

anways, i wrote a poem today...
here it goes,

a tear for your selfishness,
a smile for your devotion,
a hatred for your stubborness
a love for your compassion.

with every tear there's happiness,
with every smile there's sorrow,
with every hatred there's love,
and with every love there's tomorrow...

p.s. if there's ever that day for our moments again, i hope we'll know how to cherish each other this time.
our love for each other will survive everything if it is meant to be.
our friends know that. but i promise you, you need not be bogged down by me anymore again...
at least for now.... (winks winks)

nurul, jas .... thanks for making me start to be honest with my feelings for him.
i appreciate that. really. without you guys, i dont think that i can even realise that my love for him is still within me.
nurul, i took your example in showing your real feelings.
i love you guys..

pregnant day

"CANT THE RAIN AND THUNDER GET ANY WORSE?urrgh. haha.. kalau jodoh tk kemana aishah.jux remember tt okay. u both will be okay, trust me. no worries, i'll always be here whenever u nd me. tt i promise u =)) gona gv my last shot on getting ur frenship bck on track wit him. love lovee aishah! take care okay."

Niz, thanks so much for ur wanting to help but i dont think there's anything much more to be done. he said goodbye, that's his choice. i have lots of things to think about. just send him my regards daily if that's all i can even do as a friend.
apart from that, there's nothing much. but i love ya dear!

okay people, so my day went well.
i had some family day out.. well, i woke up like late cos i slept late last night.
stayed up till 4am chatting with ezzy... but i ended up getting beaten.. so i surrendered. haha.
anyways, then my mum was like telling me that my dad wont be coming with her and my sis for her monthly pregnancy check up.
so i just had to follow her and all. but dad sent us there so like she didnt have to walk.
he worked the night shift so like he die die had to sleep.
we were like at the pasir ris poly clinic till 5pm when we got there like 2pm.
i cannot imagine like waiting for mum without doing ntg- just played with my sister.
anyways, she told me eventually that the doctor advised her to go to kk women's hospital straight away.
the doc was in fear of miscarriage cos of the suprisingly strong heartbeat of the baby.
he claim that when the baby is just like 3 months, the heartbeat of the baby wont be that strong!
like OH SHIT! then she called my dad and so he came to fetch us and then we went to kk straight.
the evaluation? the doctor who did the ultra screening at kk was shocked too!
haha. the baby is actually already 4 months plus already. it is big and really healthy.
hahaha. the relief man. my sister and i was like so happy.
since morning we just kept rubbing mum's tummy and talking to the baby.
so my mum was telling us that pls just lay off the excitement cos she suspect the baby can hear us playing around and all, so the baby got excited lah. wth! boleh gitu ehk?
ahahahhaa. at kk there was this cute baby boy lah. then like he was sooo cute and his laughter just makes me laugh and laugh too!
i cant help it. i really love children now. gosh gosh. haha.

anyways, i have to go now.. going to sleep early.
my dad, sis and i will be going to my school to collect my laptop and go for the configuration excercise lah.
i miss lotsa peeps now lah.. haha.
-daryl
-jas
-ryan
-nurul
-mami
-danial
-hidayah
-hajar

** basically the clique... need a reunion before all start schooling man!!!

darylkeith

then i guess i should have come back when u called on me

but im stubborn and i wanted to prove to you

prove that i can live without you

that i can find happiness with other guys

that you cannot be the only one for me

that it isnt fate that brought us together

that it isnt fate that gave me premonitions of you

that it isnt what we thought the reason that i can feel you

....

to just tell you this, even tho you might not even get to read

or to those people who know who he is, convey this,

i left you, you are mad, but know this,

my love didnt leave you at all.

i might have faked being able to resist you,

but my love is never fake.

that's the only that i can offer you.

and that's the only thing that still hope for you.

im missing you so so bad

maryjean

quizes!!

You Would Choose Love

Money may buy a little happiness, but not the happiness of true love. You rather have a true soulmate than a private jet. And while many people may claim they would choose love too... You're one of the few who would really do it.

Would You Choose Love or Money?

You Are A Good Friend

You're always willing to listen Or lend a shoulder to cry on You're there through thick and thin Many people consider you their "best friend"!

What Kind of Friend Are You?