My week (end June-start July)

Monday brought me to a gathering that I have planned to support as its organizers are my close couple friend.




The idea is to meet like minded people to share their thoughts and opinion about a particular raised topics and it becomes a platform where everyone enjoys and be a part of something, to get to know more people and to network, meeting people from different walks of life and work in various industries.

Tuesday was home session. I decided to get home early, spend some time with the family and get to be earlier to recover from my growing tiredness. It wasn't really helpful. I didn't get to sleep early as I wanted.

Wednesday I met up with the ex and having talked and exchanged thoughts, I realized then that I'm not ready to face him as I still love him, but nevertheless what he affirmed was something that I know really changed my hopes. It's not a bad thing. It hurts but it's really very helpful.








Thursday still rather injured due to the meetup with the ex, I decided to try something new and really just go to a meetup in this art studio. I brought my bestie and we did a painting together. Rather horrible but really nice feeling to have had so much fun.

Friday was movie date with bestie. We watched Knight and Day... It was freaking hilarious, tho I find some parts rather monotonous and boring, I still give it 4 stars because bestie and I had fits of laughter that lasts for long minutes!!



Saturday spent time with the family doing groceries, lunch treat and some games at the archade. After which I joined my current best gal buddy for a business opening launch of her colleague - The Traditional Javanese Massage.









Now I'm home lying down in bed typing this, fighting the urge to sleep cos I don't want to miss the length of Saturday. I've got nothing much to do but to wait for the rain to stop and see if I'm meeting bestie again later. I've to tutor lil sis first tho.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I know that it will come to an end fast and begin another long week this the weekend - which I do anticipate :)

Don't get me wrong, I love and still am loving my job. I just feel less motivated lately cos I'm still waiting for confirmation and the hope in the rightful income I should be getting... And till now 4 months passed and im not informed if they increased my probation period and cos of what?

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Songs

Songs is an art derived from the emotions. The words from the songs which we so often missed are some of the most beautiful art that could even surface from the elaboration of our emotions.

<3


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To the point of breakage

I'm strong and I know what I want and need now. What breaks me apart is the thought that he's not going to be a part of me anymore.

He had grown into me as much as I have into him.

It breaks me.

But this might be for the best.

It is and for the sakes of our happiness individually, I guess this is it.

I don't think I'm the cut at the other line of his soul and heart.
I don't feel that im the perfectly imperfect soulmate meant for him.

Idealistic as it sounds, I know that we all have that one person who will never be perfect to the eyes of everyone, but it's the feeling of acceptance that you know they are the perfect one for you...

Love is not about the general definition anyone else can form about, it's about how the couple make it according to their own ways/rules etc.

I still love him and I won't regret having him a part of me. I don't deny it. But as long as he don't acknowledge all the good things I did for him or own up to all the mistakes he did to me and our past rship, he'll never have the complete happiness he seeks, even with other women.

I know what he wants and what he seeks(or at least I used to), I can give that to him but not till he don't grow his own backbone and form his own needs and wants according to his own heart, away from influences whatever - As an individual, not as a race, a representative of a community.

As it is the phase of acceptance that were over is coming through.

I wish him well and my sincere apology I can't act as a friend cos I still have thoughts that we could make it perfect but it will definitely take a miracle.

And miracles don't happen in real love and life. At least not like this... It takes years of building the character that fits each other.

I'm still young and I know what I want and need... I always work hard to achieve it.

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The Love

I never thought it would turn out back to the end again. I thought of all the mistakes I did that contributed to our failures, accepted them and forgave myself, thus being able to apologize wholeheartedly to the one I have hurt.

Despite not doing the initial attack, it seems that my defense was so strong that the attacker fell back and having an injured pride resorted to hiding and as I seek him n held out my hand, after licking my wounds, he refuse to take my hand.

I found myself cheated. How come I could still see the importance and the affection, of the good things he has done, and in turn, he couldn't do so for all the things I did for him.

I did no unforgivable sin that requires such a response. I could think of all the reasons that can get me to go from years ago and never come back, so I feel cheated again, why doesn't that matter when I think of the love I have for him and I can still always come back and love him wholeheartedly?

How come I can come out as the culprit and not even given credit for all the things I sacrificed and did all this times?How come things have to be so complicated with my changing the status of my facebook relationship to complicated, and with that it becomes the basis of decision for the one who claims to love me completely, and ironically and sadly one who is the reason why I found our relationship complicated thus the change.

This is not a badmouth post about my former other half. This is about my feelings. I keep asking myself what did I do to deserve such a response or a retaliation.

In any relationship, specially a failed one, is never contributed by one person. Such is rare and never happens when both person testified of loving each other.

I feel cheated that despite it all, i can sit down and think of all the reasons I may hv contributed to the failure of the relationship, admit it and learn to destroy it.

How come it seems that all this time I'm the only one who was prepared to be true to myself and to come to reality. It helps, to really see what you did wrong, and admit it. It may not do anything to change what has happened, if it completely is over, but it makes you a stronger and much wiser person in the end.

But of couse, it doesn't mean that u admit your mistakes or even take the blames or swallow the wrongs that your other half did and take it as your fault, no that don't cut it cos your not being honest to yourself in the end, and instead of having enough strength to kill your own demon, you find youself haunted by the demon of your other half too.. No not good. It shouldn't happen that way.

If your other half cannot take his own faults in and swallow it and accept it, you will find your relationship alrdy dead - soon you will get the smell of death, a sign that it's too late.

I'm going to mourn this passing of a great love. Well, at least to me it was a great love, worth enough to choose it over anything, and taking the leap of faith instead of letting fear cave me in. This is how I love, and it ended jus 2months before we could enjoy our 36th month.

Well, this is know - I will have to find someone who will love me for me, completely and who gives me the credit I deserve. He will come. I won't give up on love just because of a huge failure - no one should.

And I'm wishing he will find the fit he's looking for, cos all this time, I nvr felt it was me...

"The real way to measure love is to measure how much hate you felt but turn it to love effortlessly." - M Jean

Love

It takes a few instances to know that love is more than the sugar coated moments you have with your partner.

It takes a few unwanted events to be stable and come out stronger. Your bond with your partner is defined when you know that you will not leave them alone and helpless.

Love happens through many ways possible. But it takes one way to really express it. That one way is...?

There's no one way.

This is the paradox of love and life. It takes for you to know who you really are to be able to say what way is the best for you to keep love and be strong.

So keep moving and keep going. Things will fall into place eventually. At least that's what I think.

My life update: A summary

I started my job as a Marketing Coordinator, taking over the job roles of my former Marketing Supervisor.
It has been a month plus since i started and i must say that my personal evaluation of my job is great!
I feel fulfilled and i always have this job as a source of motivation that i have a good stand in my career path.

Eventually, i still want to own a business and this path is what's going to take me there :)
I find that my job at Innocom is a mixture of all that i actually like to do. The fact that my Director is open to my suggestions and she gives good input on what to think about gives me a better gauge of how to do my own things, but accordin to what makes the management happy.

I am free to do what i like and source for good options, and what's left is the approval from Management, which most of the time i feel does not hinder me. What hinders me is the machines at work. I kind of hope that i can convince my Director to share the price of a laptop with me so i can use it for both work and personal use.

I need a laptop too actually but i've to wait out another two months to get my very own cos my mini acer laptop will go to Ana.

So anyway, today, i'm moving out of my parents' house. The room i've rented is a share room with an Indonesian lady who seems to be ok. Well, i don't intend to socialise anyway, i'm just there to have a place to stay and only give face for the little hours i might have to face my housemates.

There are altogether 6 ladies in a house, no males allowed which i'm relieved for because even if i don't bring shenath over, i don't have to be evicted if my roommate's guy comes over. I feel secure somehow because there is a camera in the common area. The house is free to roam unlike other rental flats.

Why am i moving out? Well, i think it's about time i do so. To those who knows are nodding by now, to those who knows me and is wondering, well, it's just time that i muster whatever courage that is left and leave the house that constantly don't give me the belonging i have been seeking for years. It's not because of everyone in the house, just one person.

To save our relationship, i decided this is the best move to do. I don't hate her, im just numb.
I love her a lot. I know and appreciate the level of things she has done for me, but for everything else, i think i just cant expect anymore.

I don't know what to feel.

I've to refresh. It should turn out better.

Midnight blabber

OMG..!

I have been selected by the Marketing Director of Innocom Technologies to be the Marketing Coordinator. I received two offers from the first two companies I have gone for an interview with.

I had to decline an earlier offer that pays $1500-$1700 due to Innocom's promising job position. I am indeed happy that I listened to my guard feeling not to accept ECS's offer yet without hearing from Innocom. Besides, I am working at the times and am very occupied so I guess it wasn't meant to happen with ECS. I feel bad though for the inconvenience I caused them.

But I am very much elated at both of the offers these two companies have given me. That I was wanted to be a part of them. I declined ECS because the position that was given to me is not exactly what I wanted to do. Yes it has growth opportunity but honestly, I don't really like having to do sales. (And the line I was posted to is not really relevant to the degree I wanted to do. ) I did sales before and I don't really have a good outlook of having to do it.

I am really happy that Innocom gave me this opportunity to be a part of them ( purely marketing and no sales..!)

I can hardly wait really.

I begin on March 1st, just as I have aimed for from a month ago. I truly feel blessed that not only did I get the position I wanted, I can sense new knowledge forthcoming.

So as Monday approaches, I have a lot of things to learn until the coming 2-3 months. I aim to strengthen my knowledge on the company as soon as possible and therefore cover my job scopes well and proper.

And blessedness ain't being given to me alone.
Shenath has been asked to come down for a second (or finalization) interview with an IT co.'s HR personnel. I really hope he can start by April, or better mid March..? Heh.

I'm sure he will be appointed the job..!

For today until Sunday however, Im out of town..! Heading down to tioman for a short getaway. Let's hope my route planning is foolproof.

Malaysians be nice to us people.

So readers, goodbye for now..! Will be back with photos =)

Goodnight.



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Murky waters

I don't really know what has happened and how it came to the point of me considering to move out of my comfort abode.

I just feel that this year is not just any other year and my leaving my 21st year is bringing me somewhere that is testing.

Let's see what's to happen. I only great mark for me now is that I've got a job as a Channel Telesales Executive with a relatively good pay. I can't wait for the other interested company to let me know if they want me, because I'm afraid I'd let go of a good opportunity who has marked me.

For now, may God bless me.

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Blabber of Midnight

It's 2.30AM.

Deliberately sleeping late as I have plans to avoid the matriach tomorrow morning, so I'm going to sleep in. I'm so tired of having to tolerate her constant passive agressive tactics of getting to my last nerve about jobs and its salary offer.

Sometimes, I hate having to be burdened by a tradition of breadwinners.

I dislike, yes, but I'm still proud of my roots because I'm a pro feminist and personally, I dislike having to seek financial aid from my partner.

I'm not a freak of a feminist. I appreciate feminism as it runs in my blood. But I realize that there is different types of feminist in my bloodline. And I realize I fit nowhere near the matriach's expectation.

Therefore, it seems that this is one conflict I can never hide nor run away from - at least not now. Let's just hope matriarch do not get in between me and my aspiration.

Sometimes, I feel matriarchs are not meant to be mothers. Sigh. Well, there are different mothers around in the world. But forever, daughters are and will always be in debt to their mother.

Sigh.

On a lighter note, Shenath and I have called a truce :)

And over a spring chicken!

YUM YUM!









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Dust it off

Having spent the whole day of Wednesday in a duel with Shenath and continuing on to cold war yesterday, I found myself restless and tired.

Partly in the need for love and partly still having the stupid need to hold a grudge.

Then again, I hate being angry with him and I dislike holding grudges.

It's 4.20AM of Friday and I'm still up. I've moved some of my blogs over to wordpress.com in favor of their pages and interface. However, blogger still beats wordpress hands down when it comes to the ease of uploading multimedia items.

Also, you can upload as much as you like with the huge amount of data space picasa offers. Oh well, cant have everything.

So going back to Shenath. Well, in less than 8 hours, it's a truce. Let's hope the truce is mutual.

And let's hope I'm in the same mood I am now for later.

Most probably I will be cos I miss him already.

Let's hope he wakes up nice and well, so when he picks up my call, I'd be more encouraged to give him a treat ;)

Goodnight for now.

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Chinese New Year disadvantage

I'm sure I'm not the only one who find CNY period rather inconvenient. What with the ghost towns and dark alleys closed shophouses make due to this holiday closure.

For some, like me, it can cause impatience and frozen actions.

I have gone for two interviews so far and due to Chinese new year I haven't heard much from either one.
I know the interview went well and for the first company I went for, she has informed me that the office will be closed for a week due to Chinese New Year, and therefore I can't pretty much know when they will schedule the signing of appointment letter.

For the second company, they require my manuscript from RP to state that I am eligble for graduation. And due to Chinese New Year, I have to wait for school to respond and then only can I pretty much know that I've secured an appointment letter.

Shenath says I will get both ad land myself in dilemma! (Well better than not landing on anything right?)

I like the first company's job scope and relatively, I think the environment is much better. The second company offers higher pay and better incentives but I don't really find the job scope appealing. It's bearable though.

Sigh.

Jobs jobs jobs. It's all that forms my head sometimes. I can't wait for the 21st though. It's fast approaching and I can smell it! I know I've been saying it over and again, and not elaborating.

Soon I will:)

For now, good day. It's another evening shift for me and Shenath till Thursday.

XOXO

Happy New Year

Despite numerous efforts to persevere and move along without each other, jeanath realizes that they are very much entangled, whether they want it or not.

But of course they wanted it else they would have never gotten back.

I am pleased to inform you that the site will come to life again :)

I am thinking of revamping and inviting the other half to be a co-author. Let's see how he takes it. I don't really think he has enough capacity to want to be a co-author as he isn't really a writing or reading worm. He writes good letters though, that I'm sure. Heh. :)

Well, I'm also thinking of wrapping up all of the archives and push it somewhere else because if I were to propose this to be a couple's blog, then I can't have all my past post that is written solely by me now right. But let's see how it goes.

For now, goodnight.

Goodnight!



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My Valentine's Day

Jeanath on VDAY mood? Trust me the shirt color coding is not predetermined. It was pure chance :)





So anyway, earlier at work while I visit my favorite cubicle, I typed a decent length of a post only to have lost it due to blogpress' (iPhone blogger app) inability to autosave entries.

That was also thanks to my now three-year valentine champion, Shenath Thomas Dias who happened to also found the time to idle in the locker room and decided to give me a call just as I was about to end my post and publish it.

Sigh.

Nevetheless, it doesn't matter. The words are not retrievable but my aim of posting is still the same - about valentine's day.

This annual celebration of the heart is the day everyone seem conditioned to spend more money on cute stuff to please their other halfs, and supposedly the day in which they should shower their love on the special someone in their life.

I have celebrated and made fuss on making sure valentine's day run smooth and all but as I come to age, the day never fail to make me see how shallow everyone can be.

It's just ONE DAY.

And it shouldn't dictate why you must choose this day to show your undying love for someone.

Show it now, today, tomorrow. Not necessarily on VDAY!

Some couples however, planned to be different and avoid the norms :)






Shenath and I came to an agreement that we shall work on this day, and because it is double pay due to the collision with CNY day 1.

It was a tiring day buy nevetheless it was productive :)

Our Valentine Day make up session will come soon. Well, it's not really a vday make up session but oh well, might as well find nice way to put it.

The make up session details will be posted in future posts as the time comes :)

Meanwhile all I can say is that it will be great fun :)

Loves.



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Work Entertainment

Most often than not, the restaurant I work at is always packed with patrons that it becomes a weird feeling when you have the time to idle.

I'm the type who prefer time to pass in a jiffy rather than have the hands of time lagged behind my normal body pace. Therefore, I much rather have a lot of things to do, than merely just having something to do.

Now, as I took the liberty of going for a 5-minute toilet break, here I am doing my post.

I MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO DO all the time.

If I'm not doing anything, I've to have something on my mind.

And if I don't, or i can't, it's a miracle.

Let me give you share with you one of my mottos that I have finally put into words:

"Rather be tired after having done a lot of things (productive), than doing nothing at all. (idle)"

So to those who are very tired and are almost drained of energy, always remember that there is always an end to that.

Just think positive and you will realize that your body will benefit from healthy (and positive) thinking.

Hugs!

Oh and thank goodness for iPhones!

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Channel Telesales Executive

How does Channel Telesales Executive sound? Personally, I find that sales is really not my thing. Although I have always hit or go beyond my expected sale target, I am not very fond with it. However, the sales job I found distasteful is selling high end fashion apparells and accessories.

Giving quotation and selling IT product solutions might not really give me the same feeling as selling clothes. I know that i'm good in selling. But i prefer selling products that has fixed specifications, and not having to come up with your own con words to appeal the merchandise to customers.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think all retail clothes line companies are deemed liars and con artistes but i'm just saying as a former sales associate for clothes and accessories before, I hate feeling that part of my requirements was to con customers to buying clothes even though hands down, the item looks horrendous on them!

I have to see what it's like when selling IT products though. Besides, the job specifies that you don't look for customers - they look for you and you need to know the specifications of ALL of the products the company sells and its specifications.

And like Accounts Executive, the job requires maintenance of corporate relationships and follow through till post purchase period.

I haven't been hired completely but comparing the two companies I've gone for so far, who are both IT companies, I find myself rather stuck which to choose and what is the deciding factor between the two (or whoever that comes along).

There's also another one (company who called me for interview) that's been postpone, and I don't think that it'll be any time soon due to the CNY period - another thing I need to anticipate.

So far, the positions I've been offered are;
1. Marketing Coordinator
2. Channel Telesales Executive

Both of which will make use of my graphics designing. Same workin hours but very different pay and type of job scope.

Let's hope that I can secure a job before 21st Feb 2010. Why?

Will tell you all in future posts! For now, enjoy my after-interview camwhore selection :)



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New Year 2010

Here's me posting my first entry of the New Year.

We are all aware of what 2009 brought to us. Horrid, crazy and bitch of a year it is. But how many of you actually stop to think that whatever occurred in that year has been beneficial and are ready to take it as a stepping stone to better a life?

What are you really waiting for? It's the time. Don't let the new
year be another waste. Start pursuing for greater things or do something about the damages you incurred in 2009.

Go ahead, smile and be sure that this year will be better, if not the best.

A lot more will come as the first part of the year proves rather busy and hence, stress is inevitable. It all depends on you, however, to handle stress and make your year still worth looking forward to:)

My first month of the year is rather complicated but of course there are a lot of great things that has occurred and is still on going too. The negative aspect however, is rather inevittable.

The end of 2009 seem to open up all senses and emotions to bring about talks of getting up and trying again. Hence, as 2010 came around I found myself entagled in the web of love and with the will to better the situation that both me and Thomas had succumbed to. It's been a month since we got back and yes, everything feels and seems better. Despite minor glitches along the way, we still find the will to forgive and assure each other that eventually, we mean well.

As February enters another mark to my life is made - graduation and the seek for full time employment. It's a jungle out there and it takes a lot of attitude and belief in oneself to enter the path to success. I hope I have what it takes. Currently, I have had three companies who had shortlisted me for an interview. One of which is already attended, another missed (due to a clash in examination) and one on the way.

I hope to get the best job suitable to my qualifications and zero-experience. I like the job scope of the first company who called me for the interview. However, let's see how things go. Hopefully I impressed the Director enough. *crosses fingers* :)

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Christmas Updates

I know it has been long since Christmas.
But anyway! here are the pictures of my Christmas Eve and Christmas Day :)

xmas_eve_atJan

It was a nice get together, with a family who's really nice and of course at least a filipino household who tries to make it as fun as possible here in another country. It's always nice to have Christmas at Philippines.
You can really feel the spirit of Christmas, what with the surroundings up and about with people busy and happily awaiting the day of Christ!
There are the songs and the decorations and more!
It is where you can never be frowned upon eating more than you can.
And it is the days of keso de bola.
However, in SG, it might prove a little bit inconvenient to really celebrate to the max.
But hey, we do survived it and yea i still had fun.

Although, it feels mundane and thank goodness i didn't really cry this Christmas.
Tears almost dropped, but better than the previous years when i shed tears because i miss the Christmas i spent decade ago in Philippines.

Sigh.
I miss my grandparents and of course the rest of the family as we celebrate these special occasion.

Christmas Day 09

I missed them more when  my parents proved to be Mr and Mrs Scrooges.

So i headed out to meet my gf Eshani for Christmas lunch over at BaliThai.

Twas really nice :))

And then headed home for a small little supposed gathering at the last minute when my parents said that they cooked the usuals.

I was bombed really, and very infuriated but i manage smiles:)

Headed to Laura's in the night, and i was really late.

I came when the main party was over, but in time for sleepover.

After 12 i succumbed to the drinks, and Laura was actually a great bartender if you really want to get drunk.

But a bad one as well cos i had a freaking hangover that lasted me the whole day.

Was so weak and dehydrated despite the amount of water i downed to battle the effect of the alcohol.

But after that i was fine ;))

The coming year would prove to be very busy, but so far really nice and productive.

Today is the Eve and im quite uncertain how my day will turn out, but im definitely praying for a good one ;))

So good luck and have fun people.

Hugs.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

imy baby

i can't wait to see you soon!

The only way to love

The only way there is to love is to give. Not just the material things you offer to your loved ones but also the basic neccesities such as kindness and warmth. Top it up with affection and loyalty, and you get a nice gift.

In fact, nicer than the nicely wrapped Chanel or Gucci you've been wanting for all year.

We tend to forget how the spirit of Christmas really came about.

I almost did really, not until I read an email sent to me by Shenuka, a friend who I feel is a strong believer of the Lord, reminding her recepients not to forget the real value of Christmas.

We should commemorate the coming day as the holy birth day of the Lord Jesus Christ. You may not be a Christian but I'm sure you are not deaf and numb about the knowledge that he lay down his life for us human because of love.

Therefore, to try my best to remind myself about the true meaning of Christmas, I will lead my Christmas eve and day with much warmth and affection.
I'm not going to pretend to act Godly whatsoever, but I will try my best to be a better person, and hope that this habit will stay on for a long time:)

Let's have faith and trust in ourselves to do good deeds.
I will have faith and so should you all.

God Bless

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Delayed updates

OMG!

It has been a full week since i actually posted something.
And there are a lot that has happened in the matter of lifestyle and also, the love department i must say.

So since my last post, the following Monday was actually where i spent some time with Thomas.
It was just heartbreaking at first because we enjoyed the day, but we both know that the relationship is over.
For some reason, it kind of awakened more complicated stuff.
At that point i felt really uncertain and sad about the whole situation, but after a day or two since that Monday, i came to terms with the reality.
The arguments we had post that day of spending time, made me more attuned to the reality that i will never get through to me, and he would never come through in time.

So by Wednesday, i guess i put out the white flag and i really want to just give up.
Honestly, days before, i still wished that he would come to his senses and not come up with anymore excuses.
But it didn't come. Until that one fine day on Thursday.

I was both glad and still skeptical.
But despite that, i believed him.
I really felt his sincerity and i guess he came through just in time.
We had dinner and a little bit of shopping for his family's presents, as he's going back to sri lanka for christmas.
More or less that day, we were sure about getting back - but of course, not yet.
We both know that jumping into a relationship will not be wise really.

I guess we will take this break as a rebuilding phase.
Skeptical as i am, i need to believe that he is sincere about the changes he promised.
If he could show me a better us, i'd promise him myself.
However, as it is there are still a lot of work, a lot of thinking and a lot to do to fix us.
A lot of damages has been done and nevertheless we can't run away from that.

All we know is that there is still love and the dreams we have made together.

So anyway, here are the party updates for the 2 weeks :)


1. Butterfactory Anniversary night

*Chenelle, singer of chart topper hit "I fell in love with the DJ" came to celebrate Butterfact's anniversary.
Along with Australian rapper, Lowkee, who i kinda got to know.
He asked me to chill with him over at the Corpthorne Hotel, but i gave it a pass.
I just can't see myself really going so i chilled with Dinnish, Naq's good friend, instead.
That wednesday/thursday, i didn't sleep can! But i still managed to head to school. LOL
Talk about being hardcore, thanks to Papa who told me, more like DEMANDED, to go to school.

Butterfactory Anni

2.Obar/Arena Night with 5 groups = SELF SPLITTING
*going to need to remind myself not to go with more than 2 groups.*

It was hell fun but really confusing, and also crazy! LOL
So i split myself for 2 grp in Obar, 2 grp in Arena, 1 grp in between!

Group 1 - Naqiah and Billy
Group 2 - Eshani, Ranmali and bf, Tharsan, Vedika
Group 3 - Kumares and his guy friends
Group 4 - Jasvin and her ladies
Group 5 - Jan, Rajen, Thanya

Btw here are some of the pictures :)

ArenaObar

It was eventually quite fun, flying around two different area of clubs...!

Lol i just realized that me, naq and billy wasted $6 worth of cab for a 7mins walk! Damn.

Thanks Jan and grp for showing me the way :)

Saturday, hit DXO but it was darn boring.

Really BORING.

i had to start the dancefloor with a then stranger, Arlene, who got her own beats.

Asked her to the dancefloor and dance ;) 

Give or take 5 mins, then only groups of people who came to join! But thank goodness my move was helpful. Heh.

So anyway, this week will be sober and nice for me though, cos it's Christmas week!

And i intend to keep sober and clean off alcohol :))

Loves.

A new sense of reality

Well, i woke up thinking that it may not be such an awesome idea to dive into something that my inner voice is telling me not to do.
Nevertheless, im going against it - AGAIN.

I just hope that it will eventually not make me rooted and cause any emotional distress or problems to occur in this little world of mine.
Just one more day of school tomorrow and i'll be hopefully free from this despair i'm kinda succumbing to.

The 3 week long holiday, i wish, will definitely help elevate me from this quicksand.

Every time i feel scared of really getting eaten up, the more i try to wiggle my way out of it, only realizing that if i don't act against this quicksand, it might actually consume me faster than i want to.

Screaming and going crazy moving about in a quicksand is eventually not going to be a very wise thing to do right?

So for this new sense of reality, i will let this quicksand try to consume me.
I will just be patient and wait for the right opportunity to break free - fast and sure.

And when i'm out of the muddy quicksand, i need to find the ocean and wash up.
Wash up till im clean enough to continue my journey in life.
Nothing will ever get me down again - I HOPE.

To those who are and have been extending and arm (or branches) to pull me out of the quicksand, i appreciate it <3

Things will get better.
To those who are experiencing setbacks in your life, whichever part of it, just be patient and calm.
Trust that you'll eventually get out of it.

God Bless!

p.s. this is how a quicksand works in reality, now analogize it and understand what im trying to say from the techniques of saving your ass from being consume by a quicksand =)

Click Here

Time passes fast

I can't believe it's already the end of the week.
Time pass by fast - for real.
It seems just awhile back that it was Monday, and i have just posted.
Maybe it's got to do with me not sleeping on wed/thur days. Hmm
And now it's Friday, missed another Feature Writing module due to family obligations.

So anyway, from the last post, nothing much really happened.
The biggest event of the week was of course the nice little gathering the Bitchifive had for Nurul's birthday!
Altho it wasn't much of Bitchifive because Jar didn't come.
It was just foursome, Nurul, Lyn, Hid and I over at Mosicafe for dinner.
The ladies shared a Special Mosi Combo with pitta bread, which was mostly chix,
so i had to have a separate dish.. I had fish and chips instead.
And then it was Nurul's dessert treat - M&Ms Moment at Wanna' B.
Got her in that, but hey, she happily accepted. LOL

The album contains of the Tuesday birthday dinner for Nurul.

Best'sBday

Second is the Butter ladies' night. A place i find is rather OVER-rated, but nevertheless twas fun =)
We queued for about 40 mins, and i guess it really is a very popular place.
However, i gotta pass my verdict, that despite i was with great crowd, i'm still loving arena =)

Can't wait to go there the coming Wednesday!
BUT, i'm going to put a MAJOR condition.
That i will not be going for ladies night this coming week IF the days' before are not productive.
Productive being, that i have been studying and making sure i'm completing my fyp duties.
Yes, tough condition, but hey, i've got to instill discipline eh... Barfs.

Alright, so pictures are not in yet, so anytime i get it, i will put it up.
Which i can predict to be out only by next week because Naq is always late to doing that.
It's friday and i'm home, and no plans. Lol

Im actually planning to sleep in. Very tired still.
Didn't sleep after butter cos i got home at 7, just in time to get a shower and head to school.
Yes, i survived. But the moment i hit my bed, goodbye world. haha
The plan for that thursday night was so definitely not meant to happen.


Let's see what happens next week...

Weekend Fun

Saturday

I woke up feeling negative on whether or not my friendship with Jan is actually possible.

So i had to be frank with him, and told him how i felt.

I'm glad to know he still care, and that we need time to work things out.

I went for his production, Dancing Through Seasons, with his mum, brother and uncle.

The show was spectacular, of course, very catty and really bold.
I spotted the obvious great dancers, 1 hot mama and 4 hot gays.
And i was wowed by this break dancer who did a freaking superb headspins for quite a long time.
Jan said his name's Ahmad i think. Haha, name's so old school huh.

I bonded well with Jan's mum and uncle.
Jan's mum and i really don't need to get formal again etc, she likes me and i like her.
No matter the old squabble etc, she understand and we really catch up.
I told her how happy i am that Jan and I are somehow back :)

The album for this post consists of my Fri-Sun happenings...
Saturday was quite omitted because i forgot to bring the digicam when i met Naq.
And my handphone is a lousy camera tool at night in a place without good lighting!
Well anyway, enjoy.

DEC4-6

Hung out with Naq to have lunch after the production.

Billy (naq best friend) and Yvonne (her gf) came down too cos they fetched Naq from work.

I had lunch with Naq at Tong Seng, which i never realized had a second floor.

We were there chatting and chatting, hmm mostly making fun of Billy.. Making him come out of the gay closet.Haha... alright, he isn't gay, just that we girls wana think he is. LOL

After Tong Seng, headed to sisha... Sigh

I don't know why the hell i had to go to Al-tazzaq man.

At first i was just having nice times making fun of Billy and talking kinky with Naq, and smoking sisha madly...

But after awhile...


BOOM!

memory bomb went off.

Naq was raving about her love for *someone* and i, well, i was listening to sad songs thinking of you know who. Haha


BAD VIBE man.

Crazy shit.

I scolded Naqiah for even allowing me to go there. LOL

I guess goodbye Al-tazzaq for the time being... Damn.

So we headed off to Wanna' B, stopped to see scarf here and there.

Got the 2 vendors from 2 different shop excited for goodness sakes why,

and telling me they'll sell me the $10 scarf for $6 and $5 respectively instead.

Since i was out of bucks, i declined despite the great offer.

At Wanna' B's we had M&M moments.

Superb dessert for sharing! Try it..! (see the only ice cream i took picture of in the album)

Headed home after that...

The effect of al-tazzaq lasted through the night too... Sigh.

I hate sleeping alone when it's cold.

Sunday

Headed to church and the sermon was all about making way.. moving along and ahead... forward etc.

I took that as a sign and i listened well.

It also contained that i should release the junk in the house(heart), the hate, the grievance, the offense etc...

So that God can come in and reside in it...

I aim to do that by new year... and by then i should have gone on ahead, steered clear of the dark clouds and making the journey right.

I have more or less new year resolutions done up in my head.

This time i'm going to write it down so that i will remember them!

Afternoon

Meet up with Eshani for pinoy lunch...

I don't want to keep thinking about it, but it just seem to come to my head. 
Sigh... just can't believe it... oh well...

We ate like pigs and crazy.. haha!
I mean u can see the amount of desserts we got. Damn...

Later on Sandu came and we three headed to cineleisure for a movie.
Nothing was really great to see but we settled for Zombieland.
Twas funny and disgusting! Haha
Sandu was cute... She's worst than me in terms of screaming and the adrenaline rush. And i thought i was bad. LOL

Later aft the movie, she had to leave so we dropped her off to the bus stop.
Then Eshani and i headed to TF where she got the cute flowery top in the album.
As a present, she got me that little black dress. It was all on sale! Lol
Thanks sweety...

After walking around Orchard Central from TF, we headed home.
65 was quite fast and i guess since i dozed off i didn't die in the bus... hate bus rides really.
I turned in later after supper and then felt guilty i haven't studied for ITSM exam on Tuesday! Yikes!

Will do it today, just want to nap first, mug and then sleep till the afternoon, and go to battle.
After that, dinner with the Bitchifive! Loves.

This is it

I spent my day doing what i really want to do, and i felt good.
I gave some time to my siblings, Ana and Zak, playing soccer with them.
It tickles me at how my brother, who's only 2yrs and 3 months, has learnt to dribble a soccer ball along the long stretch of corridors, within a few minutes of my instruction.
I felt happy at his accomplishment and i felt happier that the three of us bonded well.

The last two days of having stayed in the whole afternoon baby sitting felt really wonderful too.
Like yesterday, when i brought Zak, Ana and her bff, Jannah to the park to ride the bike and run around the big playground.
I fed from that happiness despite having a lot of things in my mind.
They provided me with the strength to keep my head together and i love them for that.

So after spending some time with the kids, i stayed in solitude in my room, till i got the urge to continue with my plan to enjoy the night by the beach.
I took with me my handy scarf so i can use it to lay on the sandy shore.
Before heading straight to the beach park, i headed to the Platinum Lounge.
I didn't even feel a kick though -.- nor even felt warm.

Damn useless and waste of money...
Continuing, i sat by the beach and as songs played in my ears, my whole 2 years plus of relationship flashed before my mind's eye. The memories acted like the smoke against my eyes, and you know the outcome.

I lay on the beach, looking up at one star, then the next star appeared, and then the next thing i know, the sky was littered with more.
I relayed to them through my emotions whatever i've felt and i'm still feeling.
It was low tide so i didn't bother to really 'talk' to the sea...
But the moment the tide starts coming in, i know the sea wants to listen.
And so i told it the same things i told the stars.
It felt nice and i knew the best thing to do next: call tita sol.

I had to talk to her. She'll know the answer i seek.
I didn't need to tell her much besides finally admitting to her that i'm riding solo now.
My clan will know by tomorrow, and i just need to call the grands to officiate it...

Tita Sol relayed to me things that truly made me realize a lot of things and make me come around.
It's really liberating, despite my fears but it gave me the reason to be positive, truly. Cos i know things now that i didn't know or wouldn't know if i didn't call her.

She told me to come to her again to give status report, and she gave me the timeline.
I'm glad to have her and i guess i never truly appreciated her until now because i didn't really take her seriously. But now i had to, cos i accepted her, and what she can do and what part she plays in my life.
We never really truly got along, but when needs like this comes, she always come through.
My entire clan do.
And honestly, i'm strangely amused how they stand to their policy all through despite the many drama.

I have to let go of doing myself damages and she warns me that if i do that, i'll only seek trouble.
It's imminent, and i need to make sure i take care of my well-being or i'll land myself on something nasty.
Therefore, i guess the phase of bad habit truly has got to stop. Best (nurul, my bff) has warned me too.
And i guess it's just about time that as this pack finished, it's going to be the last.

After giving me those advises, she told me to go home and not hang around the beach emoting. Haha

So anyway, I'm going to end it here..
I know you guys are half confused at whatever i'm saying as it is somehow encrypted. (sorry..)

But so to summarize what i'm to do:

I've the strong green signal to really hoist the anchor off my ship, land it to the solid ground, and begin the repair. Then, set sail and let the ship bring me to the land that is rightfully belonging to me, instead of just staying in the wrecked ship, feeling heart-broken and damaging myself with the bad habits i can succumb to. And as i set sail, there's no steering back.

Read between the lines or just take it as it is i guess. It depends on how your brain works really :)
I know Best will hate reading this, she calls this treasure map talk. haha

I'm back and living.

Hello everyone!

I'm back! (actually since tuesday.. just didn't have the time to post.. heh)

Here is the album(s) containing the 700 (or less) pictures!

Segamat - Nature Getaway

Segamat

I feel restored and honestly, i have had a rude awakening these few days.
It feels ugly really, but i guess whatever knowledge that came to me, i guess it's a good catalyst.
I felt really disgusted at what i'd learnt, and hurt, yes, but nevertheless, i guess i'm good.
And i know i'll be better.

Starting today!

I cannot imagine that despite what i'm feeling, happiness just slammed me in the face.
Jan Rick Mascarina and i have hopes of rebuilding our friendship.
I've always hoped for this day that we'll be back again, and finally after a long hard struggle, he's given the green light to be cool with me.
I didn't expected him to 'run' to me and hug me. It all happened so fast, i was only brought to realization that Jan hugged me after it happened.
And i can't help it, i just needed to hug him again, and he do too! Awww!
And well, i didn't just let him off like that, heh.

I told him i want to head to JB and i want him to come! Heh.
We have to sit down and really have a full heart to heart.
I miss him a lot and i'm glad that he's back, and not in the withdraw outer space from me.
I know that this time around if we ended up together again, no matter who im going to be with, he's not going to be sacrificed.

Okay, fyi, jan was - and im still hoping, is - my bgf.
We have had a falling due to my relationship with thomas, and i regretted it deeply.
I just hope that this 2nd chance will help us well.
I can't wait for us to hang out!

I hope this ain't a dream  -__-

Anyway, i celebrated Syak's bday in a little unique way..
I got him that designer dessert over at Artbites, got a candle on the ice cream cake and let him blow out the candle.
The ice cream cake was totally unique because it's apple or peach coated, the real fruit i guess, and then inside is the ice cream cake. Awesome really.

I realized that he's the first person i bought that cake, when all these times i'd have wanted to buy thomas that.
Well, whatever i guess.

I'm still in school, though i didn't go to class.
I caught up with a lot of other people, and i'm actually going to be tight about my fyp now.

WE HAVE NO MORE TIME!
like death is coming to consume me thinking about it.

H-E-L-P!

Next big event: BEST's bday!

Goodbye My Lover

Here are some of the pictures that is within the album of the then Jeanath

The full pictures are at the album link at the end of the post

Finally, the album link
Goodbye Jeanath, to those who have been supportive of us from last time, thank youWe're just lucky we have actually lasted this longThings will be better - for me, and for him
God Bless

Jeanath-Album

photographed by Nurhidayah Osman Edited by M Jean Bautista

Night(s) of Fun

To get my mind of him i had to do something (to get out or get busy) to feel occupied.
Despite the fact that he does still hover around, having fun with my gfs are a good way of actually eliminating his undying presence. (Sometimes, it still went futile, but hey, i did have fun.)
Well, i can't help it. It's just been a few days since, no, it's a week already! Damn.

Well, on Wednesday i went for Ladies' Night with Naq.
We club hopped around Zirca, Rebel and Arena.
Naq has doubts about Arena but hey! She's a convert after that night!

Well, i promised fun. So i must deliver! :)

It was really fun because i kind of tested my self, and the fun analysis doesn't require random guys.
In fact, i was rather indifferent if guys come and dance up. Hey, been there done that...
So i know the best way to ignore them ;) Actually, it doesn't take much.
I find myself rather more magnet to the ladies on the dance floor, who are as much as i am wanting to have fun the best way possible.

That night, we were joined by 4 batches of ladies who find us rather unique and intriguing.
Hmm it must be the dancing :)
I can't wait till the next wednesday as we visit Arena again.
The All Stars are still rocking the house down and really, it's great.
The music, the steps and the songs!
It's wow, and so wow that Naq is taken! :)
Supposedly she need to reach home by 2am, she ended up reaching later than that.
Over at Arena, i met Heidi, the new singer, who looks like Janet Jackson, just slimmer.
Janice introduced her and we were dancing together, and goodness know why they poked my butt and wonder in amazement.
Flattering, but my face burns. Duh!
Haha, they're hot and they're checking and appreciating out my butt.
That's gotta count for something :) Hee

Here are the pictures of the night:

Naq+Jean1stWed

Arena beats Zirca and Rebel hands down.

I bet Naq enjoyed Rebel though.. Haha

There she danced up with this "cute" guy, and the "cute" guy has a company and he's itching to dance me up.

Well, i don't like that for now and honestly, i didn't like his look, so i ended up turning to the next girl behind me! Haha, and she was hot! :) And of course they got the clue.

Naq told them i'm not interested in guys, or something. Hahaha!

Alright, i'm not lesbo-ing k, i just find it rather fulfilling when we ladies dance together on the dance floor. And make the guys suffer just cos they can just look and not touch. Don't you think that's fun? Well, i do! :) Back to my old tricks, honestly, i'm loving it.

We went back and forth from Zirca to Arena, to finish up our drink coupons and then we settled at Arena actually. Naq gone crazy with the cutest guys she can find, and hey! it's my job for the night to hook her up..

Well, nothing much really, all she want is to take pictures with them. Haha!

So anyway, almost closing to the time we had to go.

There's this nigga fella, who looks like T.I., who came up to me ask me to dance, then pulled at my hand to motion his intention.

So i pulled back and i said i needed to go to the ladies.

He let go and apparently he waited...

cos when we came out again, he ran towards me and asked again. Poor guy. Haha!

He's really not the "once bitten twice shy" person. Hmmm

So goodbye nigga fella. Besides, i dun think i'd even feel comfy dancing with you. Perhaps if you'd have been Janice or Heidi. LOL

And that night, i drunk dialed.

Woke him up apparently, but he didn't seem to mind.

I don't know what he was thinking about me calling and stuff.

And i don't know what i was thinking and stuff, calling him. My guard was down.

I found out some news from him and honestly, it made me wonder why the hell was i still not guy-interested.

But he said that it was nothing.

Oh what the hell.

But despite that, i felt that i was calm, despite having known so.

And i realize that it's just a calm before a rain.

Because the next day i woke up, i felt like fuck.

Haha. Crazy and mad, i know.

I replied whatever he text me after our midnight convo, and i guess i spoke my mind.

So i asked him of his motive and if he badly want me to get over him, vice versa.

The playground is not going to be easy but hey, if it helps, why not.

But he refused and he did give good points as to why.

So i was relief that he didn't want it badly.
But for some reason, i smiled after i realized we spoke for 50+ mins on the phone.
Rare occasion.

I woke up late and i took my time. Didn't go to school Thursday (yesterday), which is horrid really! Damn.

Haha. At night i met up with Jasvin, to have sisha cos today i will be going off to my rest house in Malaysia.

It'll be a good experience. I promise pictures! :)

There should be a lot to do there - fishing, picking fruits, riding, hiking and stuff!

A good way to spend the weekends and who knows how many more days! :)

Here are the pictures i took with Jasvin over at Nasrin's:

Jasvin+Jean - Sisha Night - Thurs

I guess due to the smoke of the sisha, i felt damn damn damn sleepy and too headache.

I was fighting it all the way till i cannot stand it, we wen't home.

Thank goodness Jasvin's bf fetched her after that.

While sisha-ing however, he messaged me.

He asked me eventually if we can meet before i leave town.

I was reluctant and he was enthusiastic about it.

He persisted and so i gave in.

In a way, i guess the seeminly better convo we had for the week, made me accept seeing him.

So we met, i waited for him at Wanna B's.

That's a new food joint to chill out in. Good music, and good service.

The menu shows enough delights to tell myself to visit the place again.

Meeting him yesterday, i realize that i must till keep away.

That i'm not ready to really face him and pretend to want to be friends, no matter how our convo went earlier in the day.

I still take personal some things, and i know that things he says still seem to itch me up.

Like which type of girl he will settle down since after us.
"Going back to my roots" - ST

It got me thinking, that even though i think that yea maybe his people are the best fit for him, I just cant fight the urge to just not accept that.

We spent years building our dreams - a family and a marriage like no other. And more..

So i guess being the girl, i find it rather harder to release the personal note of being attacked?

I don't know if you know what i meant but then again, maybe you do.

Hmmm...

So closing to his stop, he told me to take care and he planted a kiss on my head, and then silence altogether after that.

It was heartbreaking, in a non hurtful way.

The emotional analysis done in the meetup is actually a realization.

I have to know that being good friends with him is still definitely not something good for now, but it is possible.

Maybe in due time, maybe months/years, it will come.

So let's see how things go... meanwhile, i guess hi-bye is enough.

Or even better, keeping away from him to the maximum. (can't do it altogether because i'll still see him in class for psych... =.=)

Friday:

Heading to malaysia via ktm express.

Should reach the rest house in 5 hours.

Alright people, i've to get ready.

Leaving at 4pm! Ciaos! See ya the next post!