Mum Turns 43

It's a good day on the 19 Jan when the family went for a mini staycation at Costa Sands @ Sentosa for mum's birthday celebration.

We did a 2D1N short getaway there, bringing foods, fun and laughter. Spent the day at the BBQ pit, swimming and going down to the Siloso beach for a bit of a beach walk. In the evening through midnight, we spent time talking and drinking beer and a bottle of Glennfidich for some hard.

My favourite girls came by too, my bestfriend Nurul with her boyfriend, Hafiz and soul sister Laura with her mum, Aunt Rennie.

It was a particular great day spent, small celebration but truly wonderful day for mum.

My relationship with her has been a rocky hill of up and down battles growing up, but after many nights in tears and prayers, and series of dynamics changes as well as finally accepting each others' strengths and weakness, personality and quirks, we have established a good mother and daughter relationship.

Our salvaged relationship is a testimony of prayers and complete surrender to God. I cannot be more blessed to be a Catholic because as one, I learned to ask Mother Mary to pray for us. I learned to seek her when I didn't feel my mum acted like one. I learned to seek her in my storm to ask her to pray for my mum's change of heart for me, and I choose to see Mother Mary as my spiritual and surrogate mother at the times I needed one so I didn't focus on my mum's weaknesses.

I changed because of her intercession and I became a better person in doing my best to understand my mum. I truly believed that if I do not forge a good relationship with my mum, I cannot be a good mother to my children to come.

I am blessed to have my mum, truly. She's a strong woman with high standards and morals. She is damn stubborn and she can never listen to instructions. But she loves her children selflessly.

Through the changes I see in her, I experienced a change. I also grew to be the better person that I know I can be, looking inward first before looking at the nastiness I see. Then in a quick shift, I see that I'm putting my own pride before my love for her.

There are some lapses but it's more controlled now. Very quick fights and make ups. And that's all. She also said she saw a lot of change in me and I'm glad she sees the efforts I am doing.

Next year, I want to go on a travel adventure with her to Japan. If possible, with the family too. (Mentally adding this to my bucket list).

Having a hard relationship with your parents? Try these:

1) Pray, pray, pray
2) Look inward first and be sensitive to what is causing the negativity
3) Swallow your pride and be the first to forgive
4) Apologize for your deeds
5) Focus on love

I also recommend to look at Mother Mary. To ask her for her prayers to change the hearts of your mother, mother-in-law, or whoever you have a strife with. Let her intercede for you as she is definitely closer to her Son, Jesus and a good role model of faith in God.

You don't need to suffer in your relationship, you have someone up there ready to pray for you and change hearts. Ask them, believe, trust and claim it. Do it now.

God bless!

Discernment for Love

Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/love-chmy/3800147894/

It's not really a must to be with someone and to enter a relationship again. It's not mandatory for me to actually think of marriage, thus I'm not rushing into it. I just feel that marriage should really be kept as the 'one and only' phase of life. I always believe that there are that one made for each one, and that marriage will be what make it stronger. I can really see a huge difference now of how I see a relationship now than I see before. And as I see it, I understand why my past relationship that I thought would somehow, one way or another lead to the marriage, had to come to a halt. God is preparing me for something more, something He only know I will be needing.

Don't get me wrong, my ex-boyfriend, no matter how badly we ended, was a good friend, a good lover and a good husband to be, if so to say. However, there have been changes between us that occurred and thus it is where the incompatibility grew and thus the unhealthy defiling nature of human love emerges.The nature of our relationship, thinking back, actually proves to me that if it worked out till marriage, my relationship with God will not be established. And I was foolish because the relationship with God was the one thing that I should have known never to put second amongst other love. So I am thoroughly grateful how God allowed me to 'seek first the kingdom of God'.

Lately, my desire in finding the one is burning. But I'm putting it off, ignoring it, and dousing it with continuous establishment of keeping in mind healthy type of development of love, rather than seeking for the normal 'you like me, i like you, let's go on' kind of relationship. 

Serving in Church gives me the necessity to discern for the one. I've been practising discernment in guys since last year when I was dating Kenneth, my girl friend's guy friend. Where after discerning, God moves me to a 'NO' when I discern faithfully on Kenneth as it comes to the point of dating where I must decide whether to continue further or to stop seeing each other. So I listened to the 'whisper' I believe is God's, and later on in the months, understood why I was happy I ended it.

Then the next guy came, who had the marriage proposal which become the reason why we ended up being in a relationship. He is rich, son of a wealthy family, soft-spoken, spiritual, understanding, of age and we would have made it well, but after 4 months I had to empty myself of him because the discernment period gave me a feeble 'Yes'. So since that guy, I have not been seeing anyone.

I've a guy however, that God seems to be pointing to. BUT, yes a HUGE but is there. I don't think we're compatible. I have seek a extraordinary signs and each time I ask, it's a YES. So now I've stopped asking because I don't want to put Him in a test. Cos even if He points to him, I just don't know how it will all start, begin or even go forth. (Laughs)

I've taken a vow and have promised with my cell members as witnesses that I'm not going into a relationship without the thought of marriage. This is to avoid pre-marital relations, unhealthy mind-set and possession. I kinda, sorta know what I want but I guess it also seems still a bit too young for me that I want to look for a man to marry. Nevertheless, I guess I'd like to see my desires, and to discern for my vocation - if I want to consecrate myself to God or to marriage. I don't think it will be healthy for me to enter Blessed Singlehood as a lay person, so it's either I join the religious or to enter into marriage.

Oh well, I know within the months, I will have my answer. I'm excited actually!

Come to Me, and I will give you rest..

Life is not all that bad, my friend, hmmm
If you believe in yourself
If you believe there's Someone
Who walks through life without you
You'll never be alone
Just learn to reach out,
And open your heart
Lift up hands to God,
And He'll show you the way.

And He said, "Cast your burdens upon Me
Those who are heavily laden,
Come to Me, all of you who are tired
Of carrying heavy loads,
For the yoke I will give you is easy
And My burden is light,
Come to Me and I will give you rest."

When you feel the world
Is tumblin' down on you,
And you have no one
That you can hold on to,
Just face the rising sun
And you'll see hope,
And there's no need to run
Lift up your hands to God,
And He'll make you feel all right.

And He said, "Cast your burdens upon Me
Those who are heavily laden,
Come to Me, all of you who are tired
Of carrying heavy loads,
For the yoke I will give you is easy
And My burden is light,
Come to Me and I will give you rest."



Song by Fred Hammond


Dedicated to the family and loved ones that my Beloved Grandmother left behind.


I love you, granny. Mwahs

My life update: A summary

I started my job as a Marketing Coordinator, taking over the job roles of my former Marketing Supervisor.
It has been a month plus since i started and i must say that my personal evaluation of my job is great!
I feel fulfilled and i always have this job as a source of motivation that i have a good stand in my career path.

Eventually, i still want to own a business and this path is what's going to take me there :)
I find that my job at Innocom is a mixture of all that i actually like to do. The fact that my Director is open to my suggestions and she gives good input on what to think about gives me a better gauge of how to do my own things, but accordin to what makes the management happy.

I am free to do what i like and source for good options, and what's left is the approval from Management, which most of the time i feel does not hinder me. What hinders me is the machines at work. I kind of hope that i can convince my Director to share the price of a laptop with me so i can use it for both work and personal use.

I need a laptop too actually but i've to wait out another two months to get my very own cos my mini acer laptop will go to Ana.

So anyway, today, i'm moving out of my parents' house. The room i've rented is a share room with an Indonesian lady who seems to be ok. Well, i don't intend to socialise anyway, i'm just there to have a place to stay and only give face for the little hours i might have to face my housemates.

There are altogether 6 ladies in a house, no males allowed which i'm relieved for because even if i don't bring shenath over, i don't have to be evicted if my roommate's guy comes over. I feel secure somehow because there is a camera in the common area. The house is free to roam unlike other rental flats.

Why am i moving out? Well, i think it's about time i do so. To those who knows are nodding by now, to those who knows me and is wondering, well, it's just time that i muster whatever courage that is left and leave the house that constantly don't give me the belonging i have been seeking for years. It's not because of everyone in the house, just one person.

To save our relationship, i decided this is the best move to do. I don't hate her, im just numb.
I love her a lot. I know and appreciate the level of things she has done for me, but for everything else, i think i just cant expect anymore.

I don't know what to feel.

I've to refresh. It should turn out better.

This is it

I spent my day doing what i really want to do, and i felt good.
I gave some time to my siblings, Ana and Zak, playing soccer with them.
It tickles me at how my brother, who's only 2yrs and 3 months, has learnt to dribble a soccer ball along the long stretch of corridors, within a few minutes of my instruction.
I felt happy at his accomplishment and i felt happier that the three of us bonded well.

The last two days of having stayed in the whole afternoon baby sitting felt really wonderful too.
Like yesterday, when i brought Zak, Ana and her bff, Jannah to the park to ride the bike and run around the big playground.
I fed from that happiness despite having a lot of things in my mind.
They provided me with the strength to keep my head together and i love them for that.

So after spending some time with the kids, i stayed in solitude in my room, till i got the urge to continue with my plan to enjoy the night by the beach.
I took with me my handy scarf so i can use it to lay on the sandy shore.
Before heading straight to the beach park, i headed to the Platinum Lounge.
I didn't even feel a kick though -.- nor even felt warm.

Damn useless and waste of money...
Continuing, i sat by the beach and as songs played in my ears, my whole 2 years plus of relationship flashed before my mind's eye. The memories acted like the smoke against my eyes, and you know the outcome.

I lay on the beach, looking up at one star, then the next star appeared, and then the next thing i know, the sky was littered with more.
I relayed to them through my emotions whatever i've felt and i'm still feeling.
It was low tide so i didn't bother to really 'talk' to the sea...
But the moment the tide starts coming in, i know the sea wants to listen.
And so i told it the same things i told the stars.
It felt nice and i knew the best thing to do next: call tita sol.

I had to talk to her. She'll know the answer i seek.
I didn't need to tell her much besides finally admitting to her that i'm riding solo now.
My clan will know by tomorrow, and i just need to call the grands to officiate it...

Tita Sol relayed to me things that truly made me realize a lot of things and make me come around.
It's really liberating, despite my fears but it gave me the reason to be positive, truly. Cos i know things now that i didn't know or wouldn't know if i didn't call her.

She told me to come to her again to give status report, and she gave me the timeline.
I'm glad to have her and i guess i never truly appreciated her until now because i didn't really take her seriously. But now i had to, cos i accepted her, and what she can do and what part she plays in my life.
We never really truly got along, but when needs like this comes, she always come through.
My entire clan do.
And honestly, i'm strangely amused how they stand to their policy all through despite the many drama.

I have to let go of doing myself damages and she warns me that if i do that, i'll only seek trouble.
It's imminent, and i need to make sure i take care of my well-being or i'll land myself on something nasty.
Therefore, i guess the phase of bad habit truly has got to stop. Best (nurul, my bff) has warned me too.
And i guess it's just about time that as this pack finished, it's going to be the last.

After giving me those advises, she told me to go home and not hang around the beach emoting. Haha

So anyway, I'm going to end it here..
I know you guys are half confused at whatever i'm saying as it is somehow encrypted. (sorry..)

But so to summarize what i'm to do:

I've the strong green signal to really hoist the anchor off my ship, land it to the solid ground, and begin the repair. Then, set sail and let the ship bring me to the land that is rightfully belonging to me, instead of just staying in the wrecked ship, feeling heart-broken and damaging myself with the bad habits i can succumb to. And as i set sail, there's no steering back.

Read between the lines or just take it as it is i guess. It depends on how your brain works really :)
I know Best will hate reading this, she calls this treasure map talk. haha