Diamonds are forever

So it's been many years of friendship and we stuck it out through good, bad and the ugly. The new year brought about much love and support that we can never thought we can receive from one another.

This time the bitchifive are finally five again with Lyn more available and reachable despite her busy flight schedule. (Lyn isn't in this recent photos because she's in Japan)

With Hajar married we are sure the next one is on the way and we're just finger pointing at one another to step up to that pedestal of bliss.

My instinct tells me it will be Lyn and Peter. Among the rest of us, both of them have been solid but of course with some normal couple irks.

Yours truly is taking it easy and focusing more on other aspects. However, I have recently admitted to feelings towards #hewhowouldsoonbenamed. It's something unexpecting and it crept up so slowly without me realizing it. I find it so beautiful to write about but that will be for another post.

I am blessed to be with these ladies who have always been there to make life sane. Being a strong and stubborn character, I have a lot of impact in their lives but when it comes to needing to be heard and to slap across a point to me, they are never soft about it.

They are far too opinionated to be shut up, and I must say that I am grateful because they become these strong spirited ladies who have grown successful in their lives and careers yet still find the time to be made available, sometimes just to bitch and whine.

When time calls for seriousness and the need to listen, they have always been there.
While they say DIAMONDS are a girl's best friend, you can be sure that she has loves that are on par with diamonds she holds dear.
So similar too with my girlfriends who have loved me and stuck it by me through my seasons of joy, pain and craziness, I have other girlfriends who have made a strong impact in my life that writing about them in paragraph under my long time girlfriends will not do them justice.

These are my ladies... My comrades. And tho I bitch and whine about things they sometimes don't understand, I thank God that they find my advices sound and worth the listen to. I am very much grateful and I pray to continue to persevere in times when everything is so mediocre and all of us are just too lazy or find it such a hassle to be available for one another.

It's always important to have such friends to stick by you and if you have a group that you owe your sanity to at some extent, write it down and share with the world your words of love for them.

Loves xxx

Mum Turns 43

It's a good day on the 19 Jan when the family went for a mini staycation at Costa Sands @ Sentosa for mum's birthday celebration.

We did a 2D1N short getaway there, bringing foods, fun and laughter. Spent the day at the BBQ pit, swimming and going down to the Siloso beach for a bit of a beach walk. In the evening through midnight, we spent time talking and drinking beer and a bottle of Glennfidich for some hard.

My favourite girls came by too, my bestfriend Nurul with her boyfriend, Hafiz and soul sister Laura with her mum, Aunt Rennie.

It was a particular great day spent, small celebration but truly wonderful day for mum.

My relationship with her has been a rocky hill of up and down battles growing up, but after many nights in tears and prayers, and series of dynamics changes as well as finally accepting each others' strengths and weakness, personality and quirks, we have established a good mother and daughter relationship.

Our salvaged relationship is a testimony of prayers and complete surrender to God. I cannot be more blessed to be a Catholic because as one, I learned to ask Mother Mary to pray for us. I learned to seek her when I didn't feel my mum acted like one. I learned to seek her in my storm to ask her to pray for my mum's change of heart for me, and I choose to see Mother Mary as my spiritual and surrogate mother at the times I needed one so I didn't focus on my mum's weaknesses.

I changed because of her intercession and I became a better person in doing my best to understand my mum. I truly believed that if I do not forge a good relationship with my mum, I cannot be a good mother to my children to come.

I am blessed to have my mum, truly. She's a strong woman with high standards and morals. She is damn stubborn and she can never listen to instructions. But she loves her children selflessly.

Through the changes I see in her, I experienced a change. I also grew to be the better person that I know I can be, looking inward first before looking at the nastiness I see. Then in a quick shift, I see that I'm putting my own pride before my love for her.

There are some lapses but it's more controlled now. Very quick fights and make ups. And that's all. She also said she saw a lot of change in me and I'm glad she sees the efforts I am doing.

Next year, I want to go on a travel adventure with her to Japan. If possible, with the family too. (Mentally adding this to my bucket list).

Having a hard relationship with your parents? Try these:

1) Pray, pray, pray
2) Look inward first and be sensitive to what is causing the negativity
3) Swallow your pride and be the first to forgive
4) Apologize for your deeds
5) Focus on love

I also recommend to look at Mother Mary. To ask her for her prayers to change the hearts of your mother, mother-in-law, or whoever you have a strife with. Let her intercede for you as she is definitely closer to her Son, Jesus and a good role model of faith in God.

You don't need to suffer in your relationship, you have someone up there ready to pray for you and change hearts. Ask them, believe, trust and claim it. Do it now.

God bless!

He

This post titled He is meant to record my recent realization on how I feel about someone. He's the reason why my dating life is rather flaccid.

He has spoiled me for other men. My expectations on men has soared higher than I wished to imagine due to the desirable traits I see in him. I believe that if such a man like him still exists, surely, there would be someone of the same caliber as this one does (i hope).

I couldn't believe that I am actually, possibly, in love with him (oh no).

I've been consistently meeting him for the last 2 years and never could I really imagine that I would end up in this situation where I have reached the point I cannot put a stopper to my bottled feelings any longer.

And it's too late so I've nothing to do about it.

He's now confirmed on his feelings for another and is due to be acting upon it. He told me before that she doesn't know of his feelings for her and perhaps when it's time then he would either man up or just drop it.

I thought he'd already drop it, having heard nothing of a relationship blossoming. My plan was to get to know him first, to really befriend him to know what kind of man he is and size up if I do like him more than a friend.

Maybe I took a long time to do so.

I guess I did because now, he told me that he's ready to man up and work on his relationship department. This time, he said, he's ready. So bummer!

Just to cover up my (uncertain sadness), I gave him an advise that I learnt just recently - not to take too long, otherwise he'd be like me. Of course he doesn't know how I felt for him. I merely told him about my being dumped by this guy I was dating because of my lack of attention.

He seemed confident that the girl will either have him or no one at all.

So now, I have to face the truth. I am no longer going to be enjoying my 'school-girl' moment I feel around him.

This 'school-girl' feeling may actually speak something deeper actually, to come to think of it.

• When I'm around him, I'm infected with smile-virus. I smile not only on my face but deeply in my heart too. It's crazy.
• I get butterflies, and their wings ever constantly slamming onto my stomach walls.
• He makes me want to be a better person. Heck, I don't smoke when I'm out with him. In fact, I didn't need to quench my slight addiction. Simply put, he takes my mind of it.
• Being around a Godly man like him, I feel more closer to my faith because many times our conversation involve God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
• We serve in the same community and he's a perfect spiritual lead, a perfect head-of-the-family. That girl would be so lucky. I hope she treats him well.

Anyway, it's good that lately he gave in to my nosy self so he said that it would be good to update each other on the progress of our prayer intentions or to-do lists for 2014. So let's see how his ready heart proceeds to claim his place beside her.

For now I know what I have to do. I have to start seeing him nothing more than a friend, and be truly happy when he finally steps up his game. I cannot still retain this feeling and be truly happy for him with another. So the best way for me to be purely happy for the one I love is to let it go.

Whatever it is, I pray for his happiness.

Now...on to the next attraction. (no, just kidding)

I can't believe I was in denial for so long that it takes the recent meet-up with him for me to confirm exactly how much I feel for him.

To you reading this. Have you been harboring strong feelings for someone? Don't end up crushed, find every means and ways possible to tell him/her how you feel. Don't wait, do it now. Otherwise you'll end up only having an emotional flash card, similar to mine, that speaks something like this -

Live Laugh Love

Friends that party together, have the best of times together.

Friends that pray together, stays together.

Live Laugh Love, one of my click of friends, consisting of Laura, Mario, Rennie, Gloria, Francis and I started had our first prayer session last night.

Francis and his family has migrated to India and so it's just the rest of us with another Catholic friend, Michelle Fernandez.

Last year, we had our first reunion in Phuket. This year, the reunion is yet to be concrete. I'm happy that we've added a Spiritual event in our plans for get-togethers aside from the various occasions and birthdays in the year.

It's a lovely feeling to be able to share not just the fun and joy of social gatherings together. It's so much better to be able to share once a month of Spiritual fellowship with people who you share your life with.

It's been planned that we'll rotate to each others' homes to host the prayer session.

May God smile upon our initiative to bond closer with Him in our midst.

I learned last night how important it is for small communities to be formed in order to guide and support one another. I had the opportunity to speak to Michelle, a Catholic who found comfort and solace in non-Catholic communities.

It made me realize that it could truly be possible that a bit reason why Catholics leave the Church is because there's not much net of support for them. Especially those who have experienced or is experience so much difficulties in their lives. Instead of having Catholic brothers and sisters to be part of their support group, the do not feel they belong. In fact, it could be possible that the conservative believers shuts the door on those who are suffering rather than to be the Christ-in-person.

The Protestants, Methodists, Anglicans etc have seen the important of community that they form better support group for those who believes in God through Jesus Christ.

Therefore, I pray that I could understand this, just as how good I am able to write this down. That it is the responsibility of each and every Catholics to stop being a 'bad modern neighbor' who do not care about the well-being of other Catholics (or even non-Catholics) and shuts the door in the faces of those in need.

And it's the responsibility of every Christians to live up to their faith and serve as how would Christ have done. Like how He served those who are in need of His help. Serve those who are frail and cannot get up on their own. Serve those who are beaten down and cannot pay back when He have helped clean them up. May we all serve those who do not know Jesus that they too may come to know of His saving love.

It's also the responsibility of every humans to be a good person, no matter which faith you belong, when you believe in God, you believe in the salvation of humanity.

The first step will always, always, starts with you... me... us... together. Slowly but surely.

I am praying for more prayer sessions with my LLL click <3 May this friendship start the spark for a close ties among each and everyone of the members.

Have a similar group of people with you? Why not start small by talking about how God is to you and if you're a Christian, ask one another what does Jesus and the Holy Spirit make up in their life. Slowly but steadily, start a prayer group or a Bible sharing session. 

Bring your faith to your friends, and practice it together.

Fear Vs. Trust

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
- Proverbs 29:25

This passage is a revelation for me. It has caused a stir in me, pushing me to think deeper and let the words sink in.

I felt that it's time to own up.

I have been living a fearful life and I don't remember when it happened.

Fear of rejection.
Fear of losing face.
Fear of what others will think of me.
It's all about vanity... eventually.

I have not lived boldly in the past year, losing myself in the process and living in self denial that I didn't chose to live in the shadow of fear.

For those who've known me to be the daring person I am, bold and true to who I am, would ask "what happened to her balls" (I know my best friend does) Gone were the days where I did not care if others will hate or like me because I couldn't care less about what people want to say.

Honestly, I didn't realize till today that I was living in false pretense that I was the same girl I was years ago. I lived in man-made courage and no longer functioning as how God have made me to be.

The reform of self to be a peaceful, non-confrontational person and completely reliant on God is actually a sham that my liar brain has made me believe.

In some and crucial aspects of my life, I have not stepped up to claim what is rightfully mine or is freely given to me. I have not grabbed opportunities to put a foot or two down on things that I usually would growing up.

In the past few days, I was gripped with fear, which I mistake to taking things cool. A calm exterior doesn't always mean a good-weathered interior. I was actually afraid to ask and so I tell my mind, Jehovah Jireh (God will provide).

I am glad to have read the bible verse which could truly have changed my life's course greatly. I am stupid to lack the trust necessary to be who I truly am.

Trust is the key to the prison that fear has got me locked up.

So I pray to the Lord that He will support my reforms after this realization. Amen.

Just A Woman

I am just a woman
who lost herself trying
to please everyone as
a sense of responsibility

I am just a woman
who fought battles she knows
she can't win while
living a dark fairy tale

I am just a woman
with conflicting emotions
insatiable desires and
uncertain nuances of love

I am clouded with longings
Thirst unquenchable
I yearn for control
Yet hate a life of routines

I cannot function
head and heart combine
for one cannot
be loving two masters

I am just a woman
with belief firm and strong
to love what's good
and abhor what's evil

I am just a woman
who trusted no one till
One came along
love I learnt from Him

I am just a woman
who met God
and was changed
forever amen

I realized truly
head and heart are one
a decision to make
where two are required

No more joke
More comfort
Life past I bid adieu
I move forward

I am just a woman
walking in green grass
pastures on the other
side of heaven i reside

I am just a woman
keeping astride faith
hoping for a new
life to live with love

I am just a woman
loving more
fearing less
opening deeper

I smile wider
I tear deeper
I remember this feeling
a feeling called love

What is love really?
Now, that's for another story.