Christmas Updates

I know it has been long since Christmas.
But anyway! here are the pictures of my Christmas Eve and Christmas Day :)

xmas_eve_atJan

It was a nice get together, with a family who's really nice and of course at least a filipino household who tries to make it as fun as possible here in another country. It's always nice to have Christmas at Philippines.
You can really feel the spirit of Christmas, what with the surroundings up and about with people busy and happily awaiting the day of Christ!
There are the songs and the decorations and more!
It is where you can never be frowned upon eating more than you can.
And it is the days of keso de bola.
However, in SG, it might prove a little bit inconvenient to really celebrate to the max.
But hey, we do survived it and yea i still had fun.

Although, it feels mundane and thank goodness i didn't really cry this Christmas.
Tears almost dropped, but better than the previous years when i shed tears because i miss the Christmas i spent decade ago in Philippines.

Sigh.
I miss my grandparents and of course the rest of the family as we celebrate these special occasion.

Christmas Day 09

I missed them more when  my parents proved to be Mr and Mrs Scrooges.

So i headed out to meet my gf Eshani for Christmas lunch over at BaliThai.

Twas really nice :))

And then headed home for a small little supposed gathering at the last minute when my parents said that they cooked the usuals.

I was bombed really, and very infuriated but i manage smiles:)

Headed to Laura's in the night, and i was really late.

I came when the main party was over, but in time for sleepover.

After 12 i succumbed to the drinks, and Laura was actually a great bartender if you really want to get drunk.

But a bad one as well cos i had a freaking hangover that lasted me the whole day.

Was so weak and dehydrated despite the amount of water i downed to battle the effect of the alcohol.

But after that i was fine ;))

The coming year would prove to be very busy, but so far really nice and productive.

Today is the Eve and im quite uncertain how my day will turn out, but im definitely praying for a good one ;))

So good luck and have fun people.

Hugs.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

imy baby

i can't wait to see you soon!

The only way to love

The only way there is to love is to give. Not just the material things you offer to your loved ones but also the basic neccesities such as kindness and warmth. Top it up with affection and loyalty, and you get a nice gift.

In fact, nicer than the nicely wrapped Chanel or Gucci you've been wanting for all year.

We tend to forget how the spirit of Christmas really came about.

I almost did really, not until I read an email sent to me by Shenuka, a friend who I feel is a strong believer of the Lord, reminding her recepients not to forget the real value of Christmas.

We should commemorate the coming day as the holy birth day of the Lord Jesus Christ. You may not be a Christian but I'm sure you are not deaf and numb about the knowledge that he lay down his life for us human because of love.

Therefore, to try my best to remind myself about the true meaning of Christmas, I will lead my Christmas eve and day with much warmth and affection.
I'm not going to pretend to act Godly whatsoever, but I will try my best to be a better person, and hope that this habit will stay on for a long time:)

Let's have faith and trust in ourselves to do good deeds.
I will have faith and so should you all.

God Bless

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Delayed updates

OMG!

It has been a full week since i actually posted something.
And there are a lot that has happened in the matter of lifestyle and also, the love department i must say.

So since my last post, the following Monday was actually where i spent some time with Thomas.
It was just heartbreaking at first because we enjoyed the day, but we both know that the relationship is over.
For some reason, it kind of awakened more complicated stuff.
At that point i felt really uncertain and sad about the whole situation, but after a day or two since that Monday, i came to terms with the reality.
The arguments we had post that day of spending time, made me more attuned to the reality that i will never get through to me, and he would never come through in time.

So by Wednesday, i guess i put out the white flag and i really want to just give up.
Honestly, days before, i still wished that he would come to his senses and not come up with anymore excuses.
But it didn't come. Until that one fine day on Thursday.

I was both glad and still skeptical.
But despite that, i believed him.
I really felt his sincerity and i guess he came through just in time.
We had dinner and a little bit of shopping for his family's presents, as he's going back to sri lanka for christmas.
More or less that day, we were sure about getting back - but of course, not yet.
We both know that jumping into a relationship will not be wise really.

I guess we will take this break as a rebuilding phase.
Skeptical as i am, i need to believe that he is sincere about the changes he promised.
If he could show me a better us, i'd promise him myself.
However, as it is there are still a lot of work, a lot of thinking and a lot to do to fix us.
A lot of damages has been done and nevertheless we can't run away from that.

All we know is that there is still love and the dreams we have made together.

So anyway, here are the party updates for the 2 weeks :)


1. Butterfactory Anniversary night

*Chenelle, singer of chart topper hit "I fell in love with the DJ" came to celebrate Butterfact's anniversary.
Along with Australian rapper, Lowkee, who i kinda got to know.
He asked me to chill with him over at the Corpthorne Hotel, but i gave it a pass.
I just can't see myself really going so i chilled with Dinnish, Naq's good friend, instead.
That wednesday/thursday, i didn't sleep can! But i still managed to head to school. LOL
Talk about being hardcore, thanks to Papa who told me, more like DEMANDED, to go to school.

Butterfactory Anni

2.Obar/Arena Night with 5 groups = SELF SPLITTING
*going to need to remind myself not to go with more than 2 groups.*

It was hell fun but really confusing, and also crazy! LOL
So i split myself for 2 grp in Obar, 2 grp in Arena, 1 grp in between!

Group 1 - Naqiah and Billy
Group 2 - Eshani, Ranmali and bf, Tharsan, Vedika
Group 3 - Kumares and his guy friends
Group 4 - Jasvin and her ladies
Group 5 - Jan, Rajen, Thanya

Btw here are some of the pictures :)

ArenaObar

It was eventually quite fun, flying around two different area of clubs...!

Lol i just realized that me, naq and billy wasted $6 worth of cab for a 7mins walk! Damn.

Thanks Jan and grp for showing me the way :)

Saturday, hit DXO but it was darn boring.

Really BORING.

i had to start the dancefloor with a then stranger, Arlene, who got her own beats.

Asked her to the dancefloor and dance ;) 

Give or take 5 mins, then only groups of people who came to join! But thank goodness my move was helpful. Heh.

So anyway, this week will be sober and nice for me though, cos it's Christmas week!

And i intend to keep sober and clean off alcohol :))

Loves.

A new sense of reality

Well, i woke up thinking that it may not be such an awesome idea to dive into something that my inner voice is telling me not to do.
Nevertheless, im going against it - AGAIN.

I just hope that it will eventually not make me rooted and cause any emotional distress or problems to occur in this little world of mine.
Just one more day of school tomorrow and i'll be hopefully free from this despair i'm kinda succumbing to.

The 3 week long holiday, i wish, will definitely help elevate me from this quicksand.

Every time i feel scared of really getting eaten up, the more i try to wiggle my way out of it, only realizing that if i don't act against this quicksand, it might actually consume me faster than i want to.

Screaming and going crazy moving about in a quicksand is eventually not going to be a very wise thing to do right?

So for this new sense of reality, i will let this quicksand try to consume me.
I will just be patient and wait for the right opportunity to break free - fast and sure.

And when i'm out of the muddy quicksand, i need to find the ocean and wash up.
Wash up till im clean enough to continue my journey in life.
Nothing will ever get me down again - I HOPE.

To those who are and have been extending and arm (or branches) to pull me out of the quicksand, i appreciate it <3

Things will get better.
To those who are experiencing setbacks in your life, whichever part of it, just be patient and calm.
Trust that you'll eventually get out of it.

God Bless!

p.s. this is how a quicksand works in reality, now analogize it and understand what im trying to say from the techniques of saving your ass from being consume by a quicksand =)

Click Here

Time passes fast

I can't believe it's already the end of the week.
Time pass by fast - for real.
It seems just awhile back that it was Monday, and i have just posted.
Maybe it's got to do with me not sleeping on wed/thur days. Hmm
And now it's Friday, missed another Feature Writing module due to family obligations.

So anyway, from the last post, nothing much really happened.
The biggest event of the week was of course the nice little gathering the Bitchifive had for Nurul's birthday!
Altho it wasn't much of Bitchifive because Jar didn't come.
It was just foursome, Nurul, Lyn, Hid and I over at Mosicafe for dinner.
The ladies shared a Special Mosi Combo with pitta bread, which was mostly chix,
so i had to have a separate dish.. I had fish and chips instead.
And then it was Nurul's dessert treat - M&Ms Moment at Wanna' B.
Got her in that, but hey, she happily accepted. LOL

The album contains of the Tuesday birthday dinner for Nurul.

Best'sBday

Second is the Butter ladies' night. A place i find is rather OVER-rated, but nevertheless twas fun =)
We queued for about 40 mins, and i guess it really is a very popular place.
However, i gotta pass my verdict, that despite i was with great crowd, i'm still loving arena =)

Can't wait to go there the coming Wednesday!
BUT, i'm going to put a MAJOR condition.
That i will not be going for ladies night this coming week IF the days' before are not productive.
Productive being, that i have been studying and making sure i'm completing my fyp duties.
Yes, tough condition, but hey, i've got to instill discipline eh... Barfs.

Alright, so pictures are not in yet, so anytime i get it, i will put it up.
Which i can predict to be out only by next week because Naq is always late to doing that.
It's friday and i'm home, and no plans. Lol

Im actually planning to sleep in. Very tired still.
Didn't sleep after butter cos i got home at 7, just in time to get a shower and head to school.
Yes, i survived. But the moment i hit my bed, goodbye world. haha
The plan for that thursday night was so definitely not meant to happen.


Let's see what happens next week...

Weekend Fun

Saturday

I woke up feeling negative on whether or not my friendship with Jan is actually possible.

So i had to be frank with him, and told him how i felt.

I'm glad to know he still care, and that we need time to work things out.

I went for his production, Dancing Through Seasons, with his mum, brother and uncle.

The show was spectacular, of course, very catty and really bold.
I spotted the obvious great dancers, 1 hot mama and 4 hot gays.
And i was wowed by this break dancer who did a freaking superb headspins for quite a long time.
Jan said his name's Ahmad i think. Haha, name's so old school huh.

I bonded well with Jan's mum and uncle.
Jan's mum and i really don't need to get formal again etc, she likes me and i like her.
No matter the old squabble etc, she understand and we really catch up.
I told her how happy i am that Jan and I are somehow back :)

The album for this post consists of my Fri-Sun happenings...
Saturday was quite omitted because i forgot to bring the digicam when i met Naq.
And my handphone is a lousy camera tool at night in a place without good lighting!
Well anyway, enjoy.

DEC4-6

Hung out with Naq to have lunch after the production.

Billy (naq best friend) and Yvonne (her gf) came down too cos they fetched Naq from work.

I had lunch with Naq at Tong Seng, which i never realized had a second floor.

We were there chatting and chatting, hmm mostly making fun of Billy.. Making him come out of the gay closet.Haha... alright, he isn't gay, just that we girls wana think he is. LOL

After Tong Seng, headed to sisha... Sigh

I don't know why the hell i had to go to Al-tazzaq man.

At first i was just having nice times making fun of Billy and talking kinky with Naq, and smoking sisha madly...

But after awhile...


BOOM!

memory bomb went off.

Naq was raving about her love for *someone* and i, well, i was listening to sad songs thinking of you know who. Haha


BAD VIBE man.

Crazy shit.

I scolded Naqiah for even allowing me to go there. LOL

I guess goodbye Al-tazzaq for the time being... Damn.

So we headed off to Wanna' B, stopped to see scarf here and there.

Got the 2 vendors from 2 different shop excited for goodness sakes why,

and telling me they'll sell me the $10 scarf for $6 and $5 respectively instead.

Since i was out of bucks, i declined despite the great offer.

At Wanna' B's we had M&M moments.

Superb dessert for sharing! Try it..! (see the only ice cream i took picture of in the album)

Headed home after that...

The effect of al-tazzaq lasted through the night too... Sigh.

I hate sleeping alone when it's cold.

Sunday

Headed to church and the sermon was all about making way.. moving along and ahead... forward etc.

I took that as a sign and i listened well.

It also contained that i should release the junk in the house(heart), the hate, the grievance, the offense etc...

So that God can come in and reside in it...

I aim to do that by new year... and by then i should have gone on ahead, steered clear of the dark clouds and making the journey right.

I have more or less new year resolutions done up in my head.

This time i'm going to write it down so that i will remember them!

Afternoon

Meet up with Eshani for pinoy lunch...

I don't want to keep thinking about it, but it just seem to come to my head. 
Sigh... just can't believe it... oh well...

We ate like pigs and crazy.. haha!
I mean u can see the amount of desserts we got. Damn...

Later on Sandu came and we three headed to cineleisure for a movie.
Nothing was really great to see but we settled for Zombieland.
Twas funny and disgusting! Haha
Sandu was cute... She's worst than me in terms of screaming and the adrenaline rush. And i thought i was bad. LOL

Later aft the movie, she had to leave so we dropped her off to the bus stop.
Then Eshani and i headed to TF where she got the cute flowery top in the album.
As a present, she got me that little black dress. It was all on sale! Lol
Thanks sweety...

After walking around Orchard Central from TF, we headed home.
65 was quite fast and i guess since i dozed off i didn't die in the bus... hate bus rides really.
I turned in later after supper and then felt guilty i haven't studied for ITSM exam on Tuesday! Yikes!

Will do it today, just want to nap first, mug and then sleep till the afternoon, and go to battle.
After that, dinner with the Bitchifive! Loves.

This is it

I spent my day doing what i really want to do, and i felt good.
I gave some time to my siblings, Ana and Zak, playing soccer with them.
It tickles me at how my brother, who's only 2yrs and 3 months, has learnt to dribble a soccer ball along the long stretch of corridors, within a few minutes of my instruction.
I felt happy at his accomplishment and i felt happier that the three of us bonded well.

The last two days of having stayed in the whole afternoon baby sitting felt really wonderful too.
Like yesterday, when i brought Zak, Ana and her bff, Jannah to the park to ride the bike and run around the big playground.
I fed from that happiness despite having a lot of things in my mind.
They provided me with the strength to keep my head together and i love them for that.

So after spending some time with the kids, i stayed in solitude in my room, till i got the urge to continue with my plan to enjoy the night by the beach.
I took with me my handy scarf so i can use it to lay on the sandy shore.
Before heading straight to the beach park, i headed to the Platinum Lounge.
I didn't even feel a kick though -.- nor even felt warm.

Damn useless and waste of money...
Continuing, i sat by the beach and as songs played in my ears, my whole 2 years plus of relationship flashed before my mind's eye. The memories acted like the smoke against my eyes, and you know the outcome.

I lay on the beach, looking up at one star, then the next star appeared, and then the next thing i know, the sky was littered with more.
I relayed to them through my emotions whatever i've felt and i'm still feeling.
It was low tide so i didn't bother to really 'talk' to the sea...
But the moment the tide starts coming in, i know the sea wants to listen.
And so i told it the same things i told the stars.
It felt nice and i knew the best thing to do next: call tita sol.

I had to talk to her. She'll know the answer i seek.
I didn't need to tell her much besides finally admitting to her that i'm riding solo now.
My clan will know by tomorrow, and i just need to call the grands to officiate it...

Tita Sol relayed to me things that truly made me realize a lot of things and make me come around.
It's really liberating, despite my fears but it gave me the reason to be positive, truly. Cos i know things now that i didn't know or wouldn't know if i didn't call her.

She told me to come to her again to give status report, and she gave me the timeline.
I'm glad to have her and i guess i never truly appreciated her until now because i didn't really take her seriously. But now i had to, cos i accepted her, and what she can do and what part she plays in my life.
We never really truly got along, but when needs like this comes, she always come through.
My entire clan do.
And honestly, i'm strangely amused how they stand to their policy all through despite the many drama.

I have to let go of doing myself damages and she warns me that if i do that, i'll only seek trouble.
It's imminent, and i need to make sure i take care of my well-being or i'll land myself on something nasty.
Therefore, i guess the phase of bad habit truly has got to stop. Best (nurul, my bff) has warned me too.
And i guess it's just about time that as this pack finished, it's going to be the last.

After giving me those advises, she told me to go home and not hang around the beach emoting. Haha

So anyway, I'm going to end it here..
I know you guys are half confused at whatever i'm saying as it is somehow encrypted. (sorry..)

But so to summarize what i'm to do:

I've the strong green signal to really hoist the anchor off my ship, land it to the solid ground, and begin the repair. Then, set sail and let the ship bring me to the land that is rightfully belonging to me, instead of just staying in the wrecked ship, feeling heart-broken and damaging myself with the bad habits i can succumb to. And as i set sail, there's no steering back.

Read between the lines or just take it as it is i guess. It depends on how your brain works really :)
I know Best will hate reading this, she calls this treasure map talk. haha

I'm back and living.

Hello everyone!

I'm back! (actually since tuesday.. just didn't have the time to post.. heh)

Here is the album(s) containing the 700 (or less) pictures!

Segamat - Nature Getaway

Segamat

I feel restored and honestly, i have had a rude awakening these few days.
It feels ugly really, but i guess whatever knowledge that came to me, i guess it's a good catalyst.
I felt really disgusted at what i'd learnt, and hurt, yes, but nevertheless, i guess i'm good.
And i know i'll be better.

Starting today!

I cannot imagine that despite what i'm feeling, happiness just slammed me in the face.
Jan Rick Mascarina and i have hopes of rebuilding our friendship.
I've always hoped for this day that we'll be back again, and finally after a long hard struggle, he's given the green light to be cool with me.
I didn't expected him to 'run' to me and hug me. It all happened so fast, i was only brought to realization that Jan hugged me after it happened.
And i can't help it, i just needed to hug him again, and he do too! Awww!
And well, i didn't just let him off like that, heh.

I told him i want to head to JB and i want him to come! Heh.
We have to sit down and really have a full heart to heart.
I miss him a lot and i'm glad that he's back, and not in the withdraw outer space from me.
I know that this time around if we ended up together again, no matter who im going to be with, he's not going to be sacrificed.

Okay, fyi, jan was - and im still hoping, is - my bgf.
We have had a falling due to my relationship with thomas, and i regretted it deeply.
I just hope that this 2nd chance will help us well.
I can't wait for us to hang out!

I hope this ain't a dream  -__-

Anyway, i celebrated Syak's bday in a little unique way..
I got him that designer dessert over at Artbites, got a candle on the ice cream cake and let him blow out the candle.
The ice cream cake was totally unique because it's apple or peach coated, the real fruit i guess, and then inside is the ice cream cake. Awesome really.

I realized that he's the first person i bought that cake, when all these times i'd have wanted to buy thomas that.
Well, whatever i guess.

I'm still in school, though i didn't go to class.
I caught up with a lot of other people, and i'm actually going to be tight about my fyp now.

WE HAVE NO MORE TIME!
like death is coming to consume me thinking about it.

H-E-L-P!

Next big event: BEST's bday!

Goodbye My Lover

Here are some of the pictures that is within the album of the then Jeanath

The full pictures are at the album link at the end of the post

Finally, the album link
Goodbye Jeanath, to those who have been supportive of us from last time, thank youWe're just lucky we have actually lasted this longThings will be better - for me, and for him
God Bless

Jeanath-Album

photographed by Nurhidayah Osman Edited by M Jean Bautista

Night(s) of Fun

To get my mind of him i had to do something (to get out or get busy) to feel occupied.
Despite the fact that he does still hover around, having fun with my gfs are a good way of actually eliminating his undying presence. (Sometimes, it still went futile, but hey, i did have fun.)
Well, i can't help it. It's just been a few days since, no, it's a week already! Damn.

Well, on Wednesday i went for Ladies' Night with Naq.
We club hopped around Zirca, Rebel and Arena.
Naq has doubts about Arena but hey! She's a convert after that night!

Well, i promised fun. So i must deliver! :)

It was really fun because i kind of tested my self, and the fun analysis doesn't require random guys.
In fact, i was rather indifferent if guys come and dance up. Hey, been there done that...
So i know the best way to ignore them ;) Actually, it doesn't take much.
I find myself rather more magnet to the ladies on the dance floor, who are as much as i am wanting to have fun the best way possible.

That night, we were joined by 4 batches of ladies who find us rather unique and intriguing.
Hmm it must be the dancing :)
I can't wait till the next wednesday as we visit Arena again.
The All Stars are still rocking the house down and really, it's great.
The music, the steps and the songs!
It's wow, and so wow that Naq is taken! :)
Supposedly she need to reach home by 2am, she ended up reaching later than that.
Over at Arena, i met Heidi, the new singer, who looks like Janet Jackson, just slimmer.
Janice introduced her and we were dancing together, and goodness know why they poked my butt and wonder in amazement.
Flattering, but my face burns. Duh!
Haha, they're hot and they're checking and appreciating out my butt.
That's gotta count for something :) Hee

Here are the pictures of the night:

Naq+Jean1stWed

Arena beats Zirca and Rebel hands down.

I bet Naq enjoyed Rebel though.. Haha

There she danced up with this "cute" guy, and the "cute" guy has a company and he's itching to dance me up.

Well, i don't like that for now and honestly, i didn't like his look, so i ended up turning to the next girl behind me! Haha, and she was hot! :) And of course they got the clue.

Naq told them i'm not interested in guys, or something. Hahaha!

Alright, i'm not lesbo-ing k, i just find it rather fulfilling when we ladies dance together on the dance floor. And make the guys suffer just cos they can just look and not touch. Don't you think that's fun? Well, i do! :) Back to my old tricks, honestly, i'm loving it.

We went back and forth from Zirca to Arena, to finish up our drink coupons and then we settled at Arena actually. Naq gone crazy with the cutest guys she can find, and hey! it's my job for the night to hook her up..

Well, nothing much really, all she want is to take pictures with them. Haha!

So anyway, almost closing to the time we had to go.

There's this nigga fella, who looks like T.I., who came up to me ask me to dance, then pulled at my hand to motion his intention.

So i pulled back and i said i needed to go to the ladies.

He let go and apparently he waited...

cos when we came out again, he ran towards me and asked again. Poor guy. Haha!

He's really not the "once bitten twice shy" person. Hmmm

So goodbye nigga fella. Besides, i dun think i'd even feel comfy dancing with you. Perhaps if you'd have been Janice or Heidi. LOL

And that night, i drunk dialed.

Woke him up apparently, but he didn't seem to mind.

I don't know what he was thinking about me calling and stuff.

And i don't know what i was thinking and stuff, calling him. My guard was down.

I found out some news from him and honestly, it made me wonder why the hell was i still not guy-interested.

But he said that it was nothing.

Oh what the hell.

But despite that, i felt that i was calm, despite having known so.

And i realize that it's just a calm before a rain.

Because the next day i woke up, i felt like fuck.

Haha. Crazy and mad, i know.

I replied whatever he text me after our midnight convo, and i guess i spoke my mind.

So i asked him of his motive and if he badly want me to get over him, vice versa.

The playground is not going to be easy but hey, if it helps, why not.

But he refused and he did give good points as to why.

So i was relief that he didn't want it badly.
But for some reason, i smiled after i realized we spoke for 50+ mins on the phone.
Rare occasion.

I woke up late and i took my time. Didn't go to school Thursday (yesterday), which is horrid really! Damn.

Haha. At night i met up with Jasvin, to have sisha cos today i will be going off to my rest house in Malaysia.

It'll be a good experience. I promise pictures! :)

There should be a lot to do there - fishing, picking fruits, riding, hiking and stuff!

A good way to spend the weekends and who knows how many more days! :)

Here are the pictures i took with Jasvin over at Nasrin's:

Jasvin+Jean - Sisha Night - Thurs

I guess due to the smoke of the sisha, i felt damn damn damn sleepy and too headache.

I was fighting it all the way till i cannot stand it, we wen't home.

Thank goodness Jasvin's bf fetched her after that.

While sisha-ing however, he messaged me.

He asked me eventually if we can meet before i leave town.

I was reluctant and he was enthusiastic about it.

He persisted and so i gave in.

In a way, i guess the seeminly better convo we had for the week, made me accept seeing him.

So we met, i waited for him at Wanna B's.

That's a new food joint to chill out in. Good music, and good service.

The menu shows enough delights to tell myself to visit the place again.

Meeting him yesterday, i realize that i must till keep away.

That i'm not ready to really face him and pretend to want to be friends, no matter how our convo went earlier in the day.

I still take personal some things, and i know that things he says still seem to itch me up.

Like which type of girl he will settle down since after us.
"Going back to my roots" - ST

It got me thinking, that even though i think that yea maybe his people are the best fit for him, I just cant fight the urge to just not accept that.

We spent years building our dreams - a family and a marriage like no other. And more..

So i guess being the girl, i find it rather harder to release the personal note of being attacked?

I don't know if you know what i meant but then again, maybe you do.

Hmmm...

So closing to his stop, he told me to take care and he planted a kiss on my head, and then silence altogether after that.

It was heartbreaking, in a non hurtful way.

The emotional analysis done in the meetup is actually a realization.

I have to know that being good friends with him is still definitely not something good for now, but it is possible.

Maybe in due time, maybe months/years, it will come.

So let's see how things go... meanwhile, i guess hi-bye is enough.

Or even better, keeping away from him to the maximum. (can't do it altogether because i'll still see him in class for psych... =.=)

Friday:

Heading to malaysia via ktm express.

Should reach the rest house in 5 hours.

Alright people, i've to get ready.

Leaving at 4pm! Ciaos! See ya the next post!

Blog Anew

Yes, i guess it's quite the time to actually relay that i have a new blog.
I will not be blogging here anymore, but i will keep this for memories.

When i get back from the hiatus season, i will release the new blog.
I've started posting there already but i am not really ready yet to release.
Another thing is that i wonder if i should keep the blog away from him.

Oh well, i guess i wont post here my new blog address for now.
I don't want me relaying how i feel and he reading it, making him feel fucked up.
I still love him, yes, but it's not feasible, anymore than we can and have tried.
It's not going to be easy, and i'm not young and naive anymore to find short term solace from anyone or anywhere for that matter.
Despite everything that had happened between me and him, i do love him and i won't deny that i do.

That'll be too proud and too foolish.
There's no point denying how i feel when i'm feeling it.
I have to stay strong and true to my words because that's about the only thing i can hold on to now.

I know he'll get over me and i will get over him, one day.
For me, i guess i'll always have a hard time to do so, because in any case, even if i have doubts about his feelings for me, i will always remember the good he'd shown.
It hurts me to hate him, and the abhorrence i'm feeling about everything about him and his ex just makes me feel stupid. Like i've been made a fool for 2+ years.
I know he still care and he still love me (to at least a mark down what i feel he feels about his ex), but i know i cannot give him the friendship he wants of me.

Why?
I'll never get over him if i remain friends with him. Not till i know and im confident i will never succumb or get stuck to emotions of what i feel for him, will i want to be his friend.
I can't and that's final for me.
Even tho i am tempted to think of his feelings, but truth remains that he didn't think of what i'll feel when he added back the one person who made our rship crumble slowly, but effectively. He didn't think of what i'll feel after knowing how hurt i was about his ex.

Also, to see or hear he'd have someone new or is bedding anyone else for that matter which will be none of my business really, will actually put a very huge pile of shit on me - that is since friends are not suppose to be mindful of whoever the other is seeing after awhile, after the break up

As of now, i guess and somehow i do feel relief that he has stop his pursue of friendship.
I appreciate that.
And despite my want to just run to him to feel better, it will not be permanent cos i will recall whatever hate i have harbored these few days.
I will recall a lot of things, which makes me really doubtful about everything we have had. Sigh.

In all, i do just want everyone to know that he's a good bf, but to the right person, and not just anyone else.

The right person is that someone who he never want to lose touch with and will even disregard anyone's feelings just so he can take care of that someone's feelings.
The right person is that someone who can be the perfect person for him, who can fit the world and who he can never say anything hurtful to.
That right person will be that someone who he can never find the heart to curse or to think so horridly of.
That right person will be that someone who he will respect ultimately with no doubts, who he knows he never have the need to feel insecure about.
Someone he can trust without any conditions and one he can have without the need to seek the comfort of friendship with exes or whoever else he may find on the cyber space.
That someone is that person he'll never be hot and cold with, who knows him deep down completely.
And i guess that someone is that person who is dependent on him, just as how he will be dependent on her.

And i know that kind of someone is just around the corner for him, and the moment he realizes and finds her, getting over me will be history.

Me on the other hand, well, im not so confident.

I'm too fussy and it takes a whole lot of a man to really be my man.
It takes a certain amount of trust, faith, love, responsibility and respect, to be able to really accept me for me.
It must be someone who does not judge straight-away and who will listen to no one (not even his own assumption) but me, because he'd have enough faith to know that the moment i gave my heart and my all, i'm for keeps.
Who and what i can do is something that man will be expert about, and will never accuse me of anything he think that i will do.
That man is someone who need no comfort or even be emotionally inclined to any of his exes, who will be faithful, and emotionally preserved for me.Well, there are a lot more in the package.
But that package no matter how great, must always begin with friendship.
As i've learnt that now, that no matter how long you can last but if the solid foundation of friendship isn't there, the relationship will always be based on the shaky connection of boy-girl relationship.
I know i may not be miss universe or miss perfect so i really don't think i'd find anyone in this world (damn i'm in trouble), let alone this country or continent to fit me completely.
But nevertheless, i know that man need not fit the world to fit me, because in any case, that man need not fit anywhere else but my world.

What i have to offer and what's in store will definitely be worthwhile, especially if we ever come to marriage.

SIGH.

So enough blabber. I'm sleepy...

The final post i will do is the collection of pictures Hidayah had taken for me and him, as a note of farewell of this blog.

Another blast/ Uneventful day

It was IT Security Mgmt today and u can pretty much bet that i didn't really made much effort to do the hands-on practical - just not my field of interest -.-
So all i did was understand the concept and take advantage of the knowledge.
Which kind of help, but im sure Deborah was looking for something more than theory.
Honestly, i really cannot be bothered! Sigh

The day got worst when i received a request to meet up.
Yep, the ex text me in the morning and asked to meet.
Honestly, if i'd follow my heart, i will.
But i had to make sure i keep to my mind, and keep in mind what has been done.

The night before, he text me too.
And somehow i thought i'd be better the next morning when i realize that we were in sync with the emotions, but i just can't forget everything. Sigh

Even tho i felt touched and i teared at whatever he text me last night but truth remains.
I just cannot get it right in my head to believe that he really didn't have anything for his ex.

Actions speak louder than words, in the context of love, if not all.
And the amount of effort he had done all through the years just to keep her abreast, makes it all harder for me to believe that his love for me was real.
I doubt everything now and our past relationship. Plus, i really loathe this feeling of hate.

I hate the fact that i hate him now.
I just can't fully function with hate.

Sigh Sigh Sigh

So i told him what i thought about the request, and i told him how i truly felt.
How i loathe the both of them, only i can imagine, and there's no way to relay that to him well.
He's still going to live in denial about what he feels about her.
And he's just going to say that it was not her but it was i who ruined it when i didn't call him first.
No matter what he says against what i've interpreted, i can never believe anything he says again.
It's not just for me, but i believe it'll be for the better, if not the best.

So then he blasted me again with all the hurtful things he always come up with.
The curses and the mean wishes of whatever really just motivates me to just forget about him completely.
And every time he says something, it acts as my fuel to the hatred i feel.
If he'd got the balls to admit everything, i guess i'd forgive him.
But he keeps running his contradicting stories, and it makes it so unbearable. Darn!

Sigh.

Was suppose to meet the cousins today but i ended FYP meeting too late, so couldn't catch 2012 with them.
So headed home and played with Zak.
He makes me smile all the time, lately.
He's the only real source of happiness i feed from.
The power of children... Sigh.

I hadn't done much besides lying around and fight the tears since i got home from school.
Though i end up giving up trying
I guess there's a quota limit to the amount of tears a person can release per day.
But anyway, i still cannot stop this emotional madness, so meeting bestie at central in awhile.
I haven't eaten since morning, and i guess i'd better eat something later... Sigh

Weekend Happenings

Friday was both emotionally trying but thank goodness i managed to pull through.
I got stuck somehow but i am delighted now that i've pull myself out of the rut that the ex lover had almost dragged me into.

Friday was also a big irritating but NICE night out with Naq.
Irritating because i kept thinking about someone in particular, and honestly, it was due to that thought that made me succumb to my impulse expenditure.
Naq and i were like saying we don't want to spend so much, ya-da-ya-da, but then we ended up still spending $30 each to the minimal -.-
All thanks to sisha and the arabian drinks from Nabin! OMG! but the Laban Wardah was awesome! +.+

Since the happening was at night, my Tribe being a useless camera tool didn't help out much. I only manage to take a shot of Naq (enjoying halo-halo), and so the rest of the pictures are still with her. Boohoo!
It was such a nice chill out night with Naq, where we talked about everything!
Like gossips on sex, scandals, gays, guys, and also definitely about ourselves :)
We went home separate and i took a lonesome but nice ride back home.
When home, the ex text asking me to tell him if i was home as he doesn't want to worry.
So alright, i responded and we kinda talked okay, until i got mood out when he kept telling me to quit smoking so much. Blah-blah-blah

Yep, i've kinda started a phase. I call this a phase because i cannot be long-hooked with fags because i dislike it. And so i really don't know why i've picked it up again -.-
I guess it felt like a company of my tears and it kinda make me forget that i haven't been eating.
Well, it ain't a healthy habit and so does everyone says.
I appreciate their support and encouragement, but know that soon i will get over this phase.
But not now, not soon.

I got in bed by 4am and i woke up to a Saturday morning of family day event fun organized by the events company i am doing freelance with.
Met Laura at 8am and thank goodness Darren and Raymond didn't make much fuss.
The job scope was to be game marshal.
My duty was to take down scores and tabulate, but apparently, it had to do much more than stand around cheering the family on -.- I had to run around the muddy lanes.

Here are some pictures :)

Showcraft EVN family day Eastman Chemical

It was overall a fun day! I got home all tired due to the lack of sleep.
And thank goodness for Darren who took care of the staff's welfare gotten us breakfast, else id gone without food the day entire day.
Yes, i forgot to eat my lunch.
Earlier in the day, the ex contacted me, and still talking about his wants of establishing a friendship.
Of which, i was definitely still reluctant.
After Saturday when i consulted with Laura, i've thought that whatever happens, i have to keep away from any other form of intimacy, as it will not be fair for me, being a girl who will definitely get entangled to emotions, and thus will be an anti-catalyst of moving on with my life.

I relayed my thoughts to him that evening and he said that he doesn't want a permanent separation but he'd want to establish friendship FIRST which honestly, we didn't have.
I was like, "WHAT!?".
I kinda have no need for confusion so in any case, i guess i didn't pretty respond to that with any more questions. At that point, i felt my guts backed away. Sigh.

I fought the urges to question him further about his statement and to comment how contradicting he has truly become. He's just playing with my emotions i guess. He tells me that he still loves me and misses me etc. But i keep feeling that somehow he just need me to be his friend to get over me. But i work quite the opposite, i'd want to get over him first and then only i can try treating him as a friend. So how now brown cow?

Sunday was quite alright i guess.
Met up with Juliet, a party props supplier i met over at meetup, who wants me to be her contractor to organize birthday events etc. I'm currently awaiting the events specifications.
It's been quite awhile since i actually organize birthday parties. Hmm, wish me all the best aites! :)

After that met the cousins and my old 2hot peeps who used to work for my aunt's business.
Met at Istanbul area, at this point i've run out of my bad habits and ive asked Bir to get me a pack which he outrightly refuses telling me "It's for your own good".
Well, Azmi couldn't refuse me so i still got my bad habits going... Hmm
After the small reunion, i got home and i just had to know the answer to a suspicion that has been bugging me.
And correct as i can be, the ex has added back on FB the one reason for us to get shaky.
Like seriously, i was mad not because he added her back at the context of friendship with her.
But he totally disregarded my feelings, and not even thinking of my the repercussions to his action.
He knows that we have had problems which is her as a cause and despite having deleted her as a prove that she meant nothing to him, he totally went back on his words.
Come on! It was a fucking wrong move really.

So then i guess i decided, there's no point really.
I was right that he ruined things and he framed me to initiate a break up just so he could add her up again.
Lovely and a very nice itch really. Well, he can say whatever to deny and contradict everything, which he is all that he's good at really, but i will never believe him again. Not ever.
So much for professing his undying love for me. Guys, really cannot be trusted 100%.
Remind me again why i stayed 2+ years with a guy who cheats emotionally? Well, i chose to be ignorant. And as much as i loathe him, i loathe myself too for tolerating his contacts with her when i didn't form solid contacts with the ex before him, who he constantly feels insecure about. Sigh.
He just cannot fathom how much his action totally contradicted his position.
And what's worst? He compares my worth and values to her! Also, he blames me for everything.
I have cried my last batch for him. As much as i can help it, i will never let another one drop for him.
Not for any more guy for that matters.

Today i didn't have school.
I got out of my house and went around Pasir Ris to Tampines to cash out my cheque which as futile, as my boss has closed the cheque so i had to drop it in and get it only after 2pm tomorrow! Yawns.
The fight continued today and lasted till the afternoon, only settling down after he found out i have retaliated by adding my ex-boyfriend who he was obsessed about.
So he can add his and i can't add mine? What a sore loser!
Everything and every little thing he says which contradicts make me really think he's a fucking liar.
And as it is, i'm feeling hatred for him.
I hardly hate anyone my whole lifetime of living, but he and his ex definitely won first place.

I rest my case.
I don't want to have anything to do with him ever again, and i've fully decided on that.
I'm going to keep by my words and i hope that this is the last time i've to painstakingly talk about him.
Even after my trip out of town, i am pretty much settled on my decision.
I don't think i've much reason why not. Unless, i go softie again.
I hate hating people, which is why, i don't end up hating anyone for good. Just not built for hatred.
But i guess this is a different context altogether.

So long, goodbye farewell, Jeanath.

Blog Anew

This is a new blog to cater to my singlehood after jeanath of 2 yrs 3 months.

Due to it (jeanath) being a mixed name of both me and my ex bf, shenath, i decided it

would only be good having a separate blog account now that we are not together.

The transition of friendship is still quite shaky.

I don't know how i can be friends with him, although i have liked the thought because really, we're just dying staying in the relationship.

However, the way words exploded that just got me in pain and every time i think of them, i just don't want to ever see or speak to him again.

He explained himself and we talked things out, but honestly, it ain't good enough for me.

There is a tinge of hate that i really need to release, and i have to do it.

Nevertheless, it's fine. I will need to get out of Singapore for a few days hiatus.

It will be fun and it will relax me i hope.

There are a lot to do at the rest house and also, there are some other towns to see at Malaysia.

The next posts will consist of the consolidated events i have attended or some social bonding of the late.

So welcome www.bookof-mj.blogspot.com

Issue about blog name

Okay... here lies Jeanath 7 August 2007 to 18 November 2009.

As for now, i'm not really ready to part with this blog yet.
But i will, very soon after i come back from my scheduled trip out of town.
Yes, i've to leave for awhile, as for the time being, i just cannot fathom handling all the hatred i'm feeling.
I need to breathe and so that's what i've got to do.
I want to release my hatred and anger at whatever he said, and come to terms that this is for good.
I don't need to be angry and disappointed for months only to realize i still want him.
I'd have to learn to stop loving him, and he'll do a jolly good well i'm sure.

Besides, i'm not his fit.
And in this case, neither is he my fit.

I don't know how long id be gone, i've scheduled a 4-5 day hiatus, but it might be gone longer.
When i'm back i'd be well synchronize in living my life to the newest perspective i can muster.
As to better put it, the separation is for good, and i want nothing to have to do with the other party.

I guess he's right when he said we can never be friends, as we were only made as lovers.
And so it's true.
I don't even want to see him, nor speak to him anymore.
I want to thank everyone for their sympathies and the comforting words of "i'm here for you".
I'll be better in time.

Good night!

It's not over

It's over.

I've cried.
It was hard tears, i feel as if my heart will pop out.
Hard tears that made me feel as if id stop breathing.
There was a pull at my heart while i cried that seems as if every gasps of air was my last.

It was hot tears.
Angry, disappointment, regrets and more.
I detest the feeling.
I dislike feelings... Never really liked it.

I'd rather really be heartless so i won't feel anything.
I'd rather be alone so i won't get hurt.
Well, i guess now i can live that.
Yes, now i'm going to lead life lone.

Which will be good i hope for now.
So i can focus on the many things i should be doing.
To study well and do whatever.
Oh damn i'm tearing again...

Guess i really didn't need help from bestie to remind me to make sure i
feel fucked up now rather than 2 months later.
I just cannot understand how everything ended like that.
But i guess, unknowingly we shared THE last hug goodbye.

So be it i guess.
Goodnight.

P.S. I cant type anymore, im blinded.

Consolidated Happenings

Decided i'd just stay up a bit longer to do this post, besides, been a few days since i did one.

Alright, so picking up from last Thursday then.

Did i mention that the whole week, i absent myself from school?

Partially on hiatus and partially due to family obligation.

Well, i rather enjoyed the small break but now i feel really reluctant to face school.

Because with it comes FYP = Programming, and although the modules are bearable, my first come back to school after the week's break, i'll be having Business Finance test.

Boohoo!

(for some reason, i love this pic. i see love in his eyes)

Friday, was a nice chill-out session for Jeanath.

That's tequila chill-out session to say the least :)

We stayed the night at the beach and thank goodness for the shelter, because it rained!

It was really nice spending time with him at that moment, and at the right temperature too.

The feeling of wholesomeness bode a little bit too much for keeps - as it is it seems to last until the weekends only... Sigh!

Nevertheless, i am hoping that we get out this rut, 'cos really, it's been too long.

It expends the good emotions and both just get left out half insane.

I cannot really say anything anymore, i just feel that everything is so contradicting.

Nevertheless, i'm trying to be patient. Let's hope the heavens have better plans.

On Saturday, had a nice catching up with Jar.

It was kind of impromptu actually, both of us seems to be thinking of the same destination - ORCHARD!

Well, i had to collect my orders, she wanted to do window shopping.

So we met - same place, same late =) Haha, yes! As always, Jar's late...

Anyway, here are the pictures of the night!

  

  

Brought her to Lucky Plaza as i needed to collect something from my landing shop.

Then i brought her to the Pinoy Cafeteria i recommended in my past post.. and she loves it!

Her facebook caption on the picture above when she's enjoying the dessert was :

"pilipino dessert : halo-halo, so much better then local ice kacang"

And it's the truth! Oh the food is great too :)

On Sunday, didn't go out despite having the plan that me and nurul will be heading to town.
A LOT of changes of plan and so both of us ended up deciding not to meet.
But change of plan again, so we met at night at central.
I had to wash off the disgusting taste of maggie noodles in my mouth (the outcome of having it straight in 2 days to avoid chicken)
So i had char kway teow... NICE NICE!

We talked about Jar and Safwan's latest 411.
Like seriously, i am utterly disappointed. And to think i comforted him thinking that it was Jar going wild again. UGGH
Talk about being judgmental, and for that, i made known i was sorry.
Nothing much else to talk about except for complaining of school, exams, each other's boyfriends etc...

Well, i am envious of Nurul's new phone! But i'm still on the upperhand cos my hp is QWERTY! :-P

Tomorrow will be my first day back to school, and i will be having IT Security Mgmt,
after that will be Business Finance test and then? FYP meeting for coding! DAMN.
School life sucks of seniors -.-

Toilet Paper Control Suggestion

I was passing through Downtown East Resort, Pasir Ris a few days back.
It was the day baby and i had some chill-out session over at the park as i have mention within one of my previous posts.
So before heading back home, i had to use the toilet.

The toilet was the one just by the Macdonald's, opposite Wild Wild Wet water theme park.
It wasn't the first time i used this particular P toilet but some thing only caught my eyes now.

It brought me to realization that i approve so much about how the management has opted for such a toilet paper dispenser. It disallow, if not completely, stop unnecessary excessive usage of roles of tissue unlike the function of a normal tissue dispenser.
It gives users control over the number of sheets they need to wipe whatever they need to.
I think it is a very good way of at least reducing production of paper.

With advantages comes disadvantages, of course. There is the need of a quicker turnover of new tissues.
As you can see the dispenser is quite small in size, therefore only able to house a decent amount of sheets per one quarter of a day, if i'm not mistaken.
Maybe Kimberly-Clark can create longer dispensers that extend upwards on the wall of the toilet dividers.
In due to that, they can at least cater for half-a-day usage, if not more.

Anyway, these are just suggestions.
I do hope that more company or public toilets adopt such measures taken by Downtown East Resort.
Kudos to both Downtown East Resort and of course, Kimberly-Clark.