Mum Turns 43

It's a good day on the 19 Jan when the family went for a mini staycation at Costa Sands @ Sentosa for mum's birthday celebration.

We did a 2D1N short getaway there, bringing foods, fun and laughter. Spent the day at the BBQ pit, swimming and going down to the Siloso beach for a bit of a beach walk. In the evening through midnight, we spent time talking and drinking beer and a bottle of Glennfidich for some hard.

My favourite girls came by too, my bestfriend Nurul with her boyfriend, Hafiz and soul sister Laura with her mum, Aunt Rennie.

It was a particular great day spent, small celebration but truly wonderful day for mum.

My relationship with her has been a rocky hill of up and down battles growing up, but after many nights in tears and prayers, and series of dynamics changes as well as finally accepting each others' strengths and weakness, personality and quirks, we have established a good mother and daughter relationship.

Our salvaged relationship is a testimony of prayers and complete surrender to God. I cannot be more blessed to be a Catholic because as one, I learned to ask Mother Mary to pray for us. I learned to seek her when I didn't feel my mum acted like one. I learned to seek her in my storm to ask her to pray for my mum's change of heart for me, and I choose to see Mother Mary as my spiritual and surrogate mother at the times I needed one so I didn't focus on my mum's weaknesses.

I changed because of her intercession and I became a better person in doing my best to understand my mum. I truly believed that if I do not forge a good relationship with my mum, I cannot be a good mother to my children to come.

I am blessed to have my mum, truly. She's a strong woman with high standards and morals. She is damn stubborn and she can never listen to instructions. But she loves her children selflessly.

Through the changes I see in her, I experienced a change. I also grew to be the better person that I know I can be, looking inward first before looking at the nastiness I see. Then in a quick shift, I see that I'm putting my own pride before my love for her.

There are some lapses but it's more controlled now. Very quick fights and make ups. And that's all. She also said she saw a lot of change in me and I'm glad she sees the efforts I am doing.

Next year, I want to go on a travel adventure with her to Japan. If possible, with the family too. (Mentally adding this to my bucket list).

Having a hard relationship with your parents? Try these:

1) Pray, pray, pray
2) Look inward first and be sensitive to what is causing the negativity
3) Swallow your pride and be the first to forgive
4) Apologize for your deeds
5) Focus on love

I also recommend to look at Mother Mary. To ask her for her prayers to change the hearts of your mother, mother-in-law, or whoever you have a strife with. Let her intercede for you as she is definitely closer to her Son, Jesus and a good role model of faith in God.

You don't need to suffer in your relationship, you have someone up there ready to pray for you and change hearts. Ask them, believe, trust and claim it. Do it now.

God bless!

He

This post titled He is meant to record my recent realization on how I feel about someone. He's the reason why my dating life is rather flaccid.

He has spoiled me for other men. My expectations on men has soared higher than I wished to imagine due to the desirable traits I see in him. I believe that if such a man like him still exists, surely, there would be someone of the same caliber as this one does (i hope).

I couldn't believe that I am actually, possibly, in love with him (oh no).

I've been consistently meeting him for the last 2 years and never could I really imagine that I would end up in this situation where I have reached the point I cannot put a stopper to my bottled feelings any longer.

And it's too late so I've nothing to do about it.

He's now confirmed on his feelings for another and is due to be acting upon it. He told me before that she doesn't know of his feelings for her and perhaps when it's time then he would either man up or just drop it.

I thought he'd already drop it, having heard nothing of a relationship blossoming. My plan was to get to know him first, to really befriend him to know what kind of man he is and size up if I do like him more than a friend.

Maybe I took a long time to do so.

I guess I did because now, he told me that he's ready to man up and work on his relationship department. This time, he said, he's ready. So bummer!

Just to cover up my (uncertain sadness), I gave him an advise that I learnt just recently - not to take too long, otherwise he'd be like me. Of course he doesn't know how I felt for him. I merely told him about my being dumped by this guy I was dating because of my lack of attention.

He seemed confident that the girl will either have him or no one at all.

So now, I have to face the truth. I am no longer going to be enjoying my 'school-girl' moment I feel around him.

This 'school-girl' feeling may actually speak something deeper actually, to come to think of it.

• When I'm around him, I'm infected with smile-virus. I smile not only on my face but deeply in my heart too. It's crazy.
• I get butterflies, and their wings ever constantly slamming onto my stomach walls.
• He makes me want to be a better person. Heck, I don't smoke when I'm out with him. In fact, I didn't need to quench my slight addiction. Simply put, he takes my mind of it.
• Being around a Godly man like him, I feel more closer to my faith because many times our conversation involve God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
• We serve in the same community and he's a perfect spiritual lead, a perfect head-of-the-family. That girl would be so lucky. I hope she treats him well.

Anyway, it's good that lately he gave in to my nosy self so he said that it would be good to update each other on the progress of our prayer intentions or to-do lists for 2014. So let's see how his ready heart proceeds to claim his place beside her.

For now I know what I have to do. I have to start seeing him nothing more than a friend, and be truly happy when he finally steps up his game. I cannot still retain this feeling and be truly happy for him with another. So the best way for me to be purely happy for the one I love is to let it go.

Whatever it is, I pray for his happiness.

Now...on to the next attraction. (no, just kidding)

I can't believe I was in denial for so long that it takes the recent meet-up with him for me to confirm exactly how much I feel for him.

To you reading this. Have you been harboring strong feelings for someone? Don't end up crushed, find every means and ways possible to tell him/her how you feel. Don't wait, do it now. Otherwise you'll end up only having an emotional flash card, similar to mine, that speaks something like this -

Types of Men I Find Attractive

Attraction.

A one-word classic importance women use as a criteria when it comes to forging relationship with anyone. Mostly on the man they're sizing up to be with for a phase or rest of their lives.

It's very subjective, really. Different women have different tastes in men. But they still base their search of The One on how attracted they are to him.

Attraction comes in many forms. But it comes from the innate dynamics of a woman, and it tells a lot about the woman on the type she's attracted to.

It often changes too. So you can see how in due time, you will hear it from your girlfriend(s), "I don't know what I saw in [guy], why did I ever date him?" or "I never knew I would fall in love with [guy]. He's the last person I'd think of dating but he's actually a great person. [Aww]"

Whatever it is, know that it's important to accept that whoever you were with, you've learned to be a better person (hopefully). You would have known what's your like and dislike in an other half after many frog kissing.

If you've not fully accepted your past choices, truly, there will be something that will crop up in your current relationship. There will be some sudden uncertainty, a void that you cannot fill and issues that will unearth unless you fully reconcile with that part of self.

Anyway, we'll continue that in other posts.

I am writing here today to share with you, readers, the types of men I find attracted to. After series of dynamic changes I've experience, I realize these type of men still attracts me. (Not an easy topic to write about though, so let me try)

1. Quiet and reserved
I don't know why I am attracted to these type of guys. It's an opposite dynamics from me. Until I read up more that perhaps my outspoken nature is just a mask I use to cover my introverted part of self. So therefore, guys like this attracts me.

In a negative point of view, it could also be possible that the (quiet and reserved) guy may be nursing some hurts that appeals to my inner mother instinct (or possible codependency issues) to want to care for them and make their pains go away.

2. Knowledgeable
I pride myself to be an intelligent woman, so it's so hard to prefer good looks to a man who have good general knowledge and could hold a good conversation with me. Of course, with that said, I don't think all men who's handsome only have good hair and no good brain. All I'm meaning is that it's so much easier to connect with a man who you know doesn't only have his other "head" working.

In a negative point of view, I'm letting my vanity rule me and I'm not exercising acceptance of others' mental capability. But I still really think this -

Clever men are irresistible!

3. Men who read
It's a male beauty to have interests in reading. He knows that to gain knowledge and keep his mind active, his pastime will include reading. Especially the reading of The Bible.

4. Good planner
I'm a planner. I'm creative. Sum it up, I'm a creative planner. It's so hard not to admire a man who knows how to plan a date, an outing, a surprise (especially this. I'm very intuitive, normally, I can see the little things that give away a surprise from body language, this sucks for me, but can't change this about me), and of course, one who plans for the future with me.

5. Confident
This is not just for me. I bet a lot of other women love this in a guy. Not over-confidence but nothing less than the right touch of confidence. It makes a man so sexy when he knows how to exercise the use of his God-given charms. Oo lalala.

These are 5 types of men I find attractive.

But this is not all. For these traits to be fully effective for me, there's a final touch that I really truly cannot go without admiring and loving in a man.

That is his love for God. 

One who knows that he's nothing without God. One who has the heart of service, of worship to the God who ought to be our only third wheel. Who applies the word of God in his life and in our relationship. A man who can steer me to be a good person, and who is humble enough to be steered by me when needed. A man who prays for me and our relationship, together.

So, what are yours? What are your top 5 types of men you find attractive?

Live Laugh Love

Friends that party together, have the best of times together.

Friends that pray together, stays together.

Live Laugh Love, one of my click of friends, consisting of Laura, Mario, Rennie, Gloria, Francis and I started had our first prayer session last night.

Francis and his family has migrated to India and so it's just the rest of us with another Catholic friend, Michelle Fernandez.

Last year, we had our first reunion in Phuket. This year, the reunion is yet to be concrete. I'm happy that we've added a Spiritual event in our plans for get-togethers aside from the various occasions and birthdays in the year.

It's a lovely feeling to be able to share not just the fun and joy of social gatherings together. It's so much better to be able to share once a month of Spiritual fellowship with people who you share your life with.

It's been planned that we'll rotate to each others' homes to host the prayer session.

May God smile upon our initiative to bond closer with Him in our midst.

I learned last night how important it is for small communities to be formed in order to guide and support one another. I had the opportunity to speak to Michelle, a Catholic who found comfort and solace in non-Catholic communities.

It made me realize that it could truly be possible that a bit reason why Catholics leave the Church is because there's not much net of support for them. Especially those who have experienced or is experience so much difficulties in their lives. Instead of having Catholic brothers and sisters to be part of their support group, the do not feel they belong. In fact, it could be possible that the conservative believers shuts the door on those who are suffering rather than to be the Christ-in-person.

The Protestants, Methodists, Anglicans etc have seen the important of community that they form better support group for those who believes in God through Jesus Christ.

Therefore, I pray that I could understand this, just as how good I am able to write this down. That it is the responsibility of each and every Catholics to stop being a 'bad modern neighbor' who do not care about the well-being of other Catholics (or even non-Catholics) and shuts the door in the faces of those in need.

And it's the responsibility of every Christians to live up to their faith and serve as how would Christ have done. Like how He served those who are in need of His help. Serve those who are frail and cannot get up on their own. Serve those who are beaten down and cannot pay back when He have helped clean them up. May we all serve those who do not know Jesus that they too may come to know of His saving love.

It's also the responsibility of every humans to be a good person, no matter which faith you belong, when you believe in God, you believe in the salvation of humanity.

The first step will always, always, starts with you... me... us... together. Slowly but surely.

I am praying for more prayer sessions with my LLL click <3 May this friendship start the spark for a close ties among each and everyone of the members.

Have a similar group of people with you? Why not start small by talking about how God is to you and if you're a Christian, ask one another what does Jesus and the Holy Spirit make up in their life. Slowly but steadily, start a prayer group or a Bible sharing session. 

Bring your faith to your friends, and practice it together.

Meet Up With Eshani

It's always nice to catch up with a girlfriend.

We had lunch at Golden Cafe, and had a nice long chat.
But not long enough, nevertheless.
Women hardly have limited amount of things to say to each other.

I finally received her present (the printed one)

We chatted about things that happened lately, outings and her double date with Laura and Mario the other day (another couple friend).

It just hit me that I'm the only one single from all my girlfriends!
I guess I'm bidding my time. It's kind of cool that I'm the last among the girls despite my very early exposure to guys. Everyone seem to have it in their mind that I'd be the first to be married off!

Alas, they're wrong, and I feel a childish happiness having proved them wrong!

As how an ex boyfriend, Daryl, predicted last time, Jar will definitely be the first to get hitched! And it's happening! This June, Jar will be married to the love of her life.

Which makes me think, I should ask Daryl to predict for me. When will I meet that man that's just right for me. Nothing more, nothing less. Perfect for me, not for the world.

Maybe not, he'd prolly say something inconceivable.

Anyway, I already know what I've to do and I will get on to doing it - to make the time for dates. I cannot keep using work and church as excuses if I want to settle down by 27!

I've to keep in mind that I just got 'dumped' by this guy I'm dating because I keep cancelling on him, and now, he doesn't contact me. I couldn't really find the time to catch up or the heart to be bothered, which just goes to say that I don't really feel for him. (Too bad... NEXT!)

Anyway, what I really want to share in this post is about friendship.

Friendship -

It doesn't care where it started, how it went along and where it is going.
The people in it may see each other often, or not.
But when it's real, it's for a long haul.

I'm glad to have met her and the rest of my girlfriends.
They've been perfect despite some moments when they get busy with their love life.

Whatever it is, it's a beauty to see all of my girls blossom to wonderful ladies looking at life in different ways than how they used to. It's heart-fattening to see especially how our friendship has lasted and still counting.

Ahh, fuzzy wuzzy feeling now.

After you've read this, pick up your phone and call your girlfriend (s). Tell them how much you are thankful that they're in your life.

Good day!

New Year Goals

I did not set resolutions this year.

However, I did set goals in mind that I categorized into 3 prayer intentions for the year.

So whatever is needed for me to do my part for the 3 prayer intentions to be heard by God, I will do it.

I've always believe in the age-old saying "Do your best, God will do the rest", therefore, it has formed my motivation to really just do whatever I can and trust that God will look upon me with favor, granting me my heart's desires.

Isn't it the same, you say? Perhaps so, but resolutions are like to-do lists of the year. And as normally with to-do lists with many line items, we eventually only end up doing 1 or 2 that does not require too much effort.

Recycled Resolutions
I think I've spent many hours thinking of resolutions in the past years and having to recycle it again the following year. It didn't feel effective especially when it became more of a chore than anything that can shape my life, really.

Focus on the outcome
I've a theory that once I am able to envision the end-result, I most likely be able to achieve it. Whatever it is that takes me there, as long as it's not detrimental to my Spiritual, mental, emotional and physical well-being, that's the exact thing I need to do.

Learning to cast my plans to God
Trusting in God isn't writing a set of plans and just pushing it to God and telling Him to do it because we're His children and He's somehow obliged to. In fact, it's good to remind yourself that God is not in debt to us. It's Grace that He gives us our hearts' desires.

I have learnt that for my plans to be concrete, I need God to give me the green light. If God says that a line-item is not yet going to be fulfilled in 2014, I know that whatever work I've begun to do to attain the 3 prayer intentions will pay off in the coming years.

God's plan is the best plan
Ever planned your day only to find it turned upside down and you achieve something else that you didn't plan, which turns out to be much better when you reflected about it the next day? This is exactly why I need to remember that God's plan is always the best plan.

When I met Jeremy, my Charismatic prayer community's chairman, on the last Saturday of 2013, he said grace before we ate praying for us to remember always God's will and plan for us, rather than keep pushing for our own plans to be fulfilled.

His ways are not our ways.

I must remember that while planning is essential, it's always good to let God lead the way. He will always and only lead us to the best way possible.

God bless.

Fear Vs. Trust

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
- Proverbs 29:25

This passage is a revelation for me. It has caused a stir in me, pushing me to think deeper and let the words sink in.

I felt that it's time to own up.

I have been living a fearful life and I don't remember when it happened.

Fear of rejection.
Fear of losing face.
Fear of what others will think of me.
It's all about vanity... eventually.

I have not lived boldly in the past year, losing myself in the process and living in self denial that I didn't chose to live in the shadow of fear.

For those who've known me to be the daring person I am, bold and true to who I am, would ask "what happened to her balls" (I know my best friend does) Gone were the days where I did not care if others will hate or like me because I couldn't care less about what people want to say.

Honestly, I didn't realize till today that I was living in false pretense that I was the same girl I was years ago. I lived in man-made courage and no longer functioning as how God have made me to be.

The reform of self to be a peaceful, non-confrontational person and completely reliant on God is actually a sham that my liar brain has made me believe.

In some and crucial aspects of my life, I have not stepped up to claim what is rightfully mine or is freely given to me. I have not grabbed opportunities to put a foot or two down on things that I usually would growing up.

In the past few days, I was gripped with fear, which I mistake to taking things cool. A calm exterior doesn't always mean a good-weathered interior. I was actually afraid to ask and so I tell my mind, Jehovah Jireh (God will provide).

I am glad to have read the bible verse which could truly have changed my life's course greatly. I am stupid to lack the trust necessary to be who I truly am.

Trust is the key to the prison that fear has got me locked up.

So I pray to the Lord that He will support my reforms after this realization. Amen.

Just A Woman

I am just a woman
who lost herself trying
to please everyone as
a sense of responsibility

I am just a woman
who fought battles she knows
she can't win while
living a dark fairy tale

I am just a woman
with conflicting emotions
insatiable desires and
uncertain nuances of love

I am clouded with longings
Thirst unquenchable
I yearn for control
Yet hate a life of routines

I cannot function
head and heart combine
for one cannot
be loving two masters

I am just a woman
with belief firm and strong
to love what's good
and abhor what's evil

I am just a woman
who trusted no one till
One came along
love I learnt from Him

I am just a woman
who met God
and was changed
forever amen

I realized truly
head and heart are one
a decision to make
where two are required

No more joke
More comfort
Life past I bid adieu
I move forward

I am just a woman
walking in green grass
pastures on the other
side of heaven i reside

I am just a woman
keeping astride faith
hoping for a new
life to live with love

I am just a woman
loving more
fearing less
opening deeper

I smile wider
I tear deeper
I remember this feeling
a feeling called love

What is love really?
Now, that's for another story.

15 Learning Points of 2013

It seems only yesterday that I was reflecting on how my 2012 went, and now I've to do it again for 2013. It's too soon, I must say. I could still remember the wonderful feeling of watching the fireworks as I welcome 2013 with my family and girlfriends.

This year, the word Family, etched stronger in my heart and mind. I do my best to accommodate and work on my relationships with each and everyone of my family members.

It's a wonderful year, in short. I guess that's why it sped by so quickly.

As Christmas is around the corner, I find myself thinking about my plans for next year but trying my best to not fast forward too soon. I want to bask in whatever that's left of 2013, and reflect.

Source: http://www.erineflynn.com

For the purpose of my own remembrance, below are some highlights of my year 2013.

1) Realized that I am in love with 2 different kind of guys, or at least I am in love with the good i see in both of them. I guess I find myself hoping that they be merge into one for my benefit. Alas, God doesn't work that way. A friend made a good point in questioning me on how do I uncover a prince among frogs when I never bothered getting into the pond and kiss them one by one.

2) I realized the importance of relationships - at home, outside, at work and in my Church communities. I learned the need to set aside time for people i dub that matters to me.

3) Despite number 2, the most important relationship ever is that with God and with myself. I cannot see the importance of relationship with others when I fail to see the greatness of my relationship with God.

4) I learned that my addictions result from some aspect of my life that I am not fully reconciled with.

5) I begin to understand beauty of preparation. In whatever I want to achieve, I can't always take advantage of my flare, this year proved that giving time to preparation in my life and job is essential. To the point that it should never be compromised.

6) I increase in knowledge, in skill, in understanding, in wisdom and the ability to sense what others are feeling. This cause to being attune to my surrounding should be due to my focus on my faith... in God.

7) Knowledge is never power when it isn't making you a better person. It is never power when it isn't used to make the life of others better. Service is key, and I feel happy to serve. But I need to safeguard the need to be of constant service, lest it becomes a dependency, that if I feel that I'm not needed, I may fall into depression.

8) Weakness is not a shameful thing. It's important to embrace them. I always need to be aware of them so that when the devil points against it, God knows that part of me is already a work-in-progress.

9) There's a change in communication style. I realize that in every possible scenario, you can never get anyone assist you well when you do not know how to communicate exactly what you want.

10) People's treatment of me is the reflection of how I treat others, and people's love for me in the reflection of how I love others. When my heart is pure and doesn't expect, I am able to see everyone for who they really are. And no matter how evil they seem, they'll always be able to be saved - maybe not by me but definitely by God.

11) Finger pointing and appearing blameless is nasty. When something goes wrong, no matter how little my part in it, I still caused it to happened. Simple. No one is blameless, it's how we do whatever we can to make amend and change.

12) I enjoy solitary travels. I am able to go anywhere and everywhere I want. In a group, I will always find the time to go on my own somewhere.

13) I must remember to bring my iBanking token. Many times this year I felt so penniless because I lost my iBanking token or I never activated the new one and so forth. I only found out last week that I could send SMS to my HP to receive the code. How stupid.

14) In the case from 12 and 13, i must not book one-way tickets to Philippines. This year in March, i got held up for 1 extra week due to tickets being unavailable and not bringing my new iBanking token.

15) I see the big need to keep real to myself and keep to my goals. Being a people pleaser will get me nowhere. I cannot please everyone.

Those are just some of my many learnings this year. More posts to come from me from now on :)

Dreams

No, I'm not pregnant.

I dreamt that I was.

It started as an erotic dream, then it led to shock and worry. I had to tell my heart's interest that I'm pregnant with someone else's child and it's funny that I had resorted to seeking an old flame to actually take it as his, slyly getting him to marry me to cover up my shame. And guess what, it's an old flame that didn't even started a fire despite a good no. of dates.

It was so real that I even remembered the feeling when I was doing the pregnancy test.

Then I got my love interest to pray for me, knowing that the man who impregnated me is out of bounds to take the responsibility. Why? He's way older than me and he's married.

Haha okay, that's a made up story, but that's exactly how the dream went.

I have been celibate for a good no. of years and it's funny that I should be dreaming of this. So, it can definitely only mean it has got to do with my career life. 

(What?! Celibate?! Wtf, why? Yeah I know, that's for another story)

Although, it may seem vague at the moment, but to me, it's getting clearer. (No, I'm not still talking about celibacy)

So, I checked online on what the possible dream interpretation could mean.

Come to think about it, it pieced so nicely really. And perhaps I shall share about it later on when it's more concrete.

Here's some meanings to the elements of the dreams:

Pregnancy Test

To dream that you are taking a pregnancy test may be a metaphor for a new phase you are entering in your life (a new job, relationship, etc.) You may feel that you are being put to the test as to whether you are prepared or ready for these changes.  Alternatively, this dream may be literal in meaning and address your anxieties/fears of getting pregnant. 

Pregnant

To dream that you are pregnant symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it.  This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

Sex

To dream about sex refers to the integration and merging of contrasting aspects of yourself. It represents psychological completion. You need to be more receptive and incorporate aspects of your dream sex partner into your own character. Consider the nature of the love-making. Was it passionate? Was it slow? Was it wild? The sex act parallels aspects of yourself that you wish to express. A more direct interpretation of the dream may be your libido's way of telling you that it has been too long since you have had sex. It may indicate repressed sexual desires and your needs for physical and emotional love.

Simple Recycles

We're so used to the mantra 'Reduce, Re-use, Recycle' but we only say it and hardly really do it.

Lately, I have rekindled my first love flames with home improvements and although I'm starting small and simple, I have started.

My thoughts and perspective has seen a shift in how I view things. The fact that my very notion to want to create, invent, restore and reorganize has given me a new way to live for.

Yes I'm very much still in love with the social media world (my job) but there's certain control over how I allot my time to the things I really love doing.

My thoughts now are, "Why buy when you can innovate? Why spend unnecessary amounts of money when you still have something useful if you spend time to restore the old and make it look awesome? Why throw out items that are not yet spoiled?"

It's a commitment and I'm very much excited to start sharing with you my mini projects and even minute ones just to better the world, my world.

And as I share, I am confident of the growth I've experienced. I hope no matter how simple, you too gain some inspirations from it.

Here's a very simple example which i can share with you today.

* Simply recycle containers to make it into something useful. It not only add touches of creativity on your office table but it also helps save the environment.

So, before you throw out anything, check it out how you can re-use it first. Cheers.

♥ MJ

Tiredness is a disease

Everyone goes through a phase where they're tired of something.

They're tired of their life, job, friendship, relationship... Even tired of themselves.

People get tired due to various reasons. It's important to know where the source of our tiredness, and it comes from doing too much.

We have different degrees of strength and vitality. While others may be doing millions of things at one go, some of us may not be doing so much (in plain sight) but we still feel tired nonetheless.

Finding out the source of tiredness is the key to finding out how we can rejuvenate ourselves, and ever ready for the many tasks that lies ahead.

Whatever the cause of your tiredness, it's always important to acknowledge it. Don't live in denial. It may be that you're overworking, not sleeping at the right time, and perhaps not eating the right food.

You have to figure out the source.

Once you've figured out the reasons for your tiredness. You need to act right away on how you can turn it around, to recuperate and lead a healthier lifestyle.

Also, you have to identify which areas of your life that's contributing greatly to your tiredness.

It's not just one aspect of your life, it's every aspects.

Tiredness can be in the form physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. When you are tired physically, all the other platforms of yourself is also affected. When you're emotionally tired, it shows in your mental, physical and spiritual self as well. It's inescapable.

Once you're tired in one aspect, you're going to be tired in all aspect. It's just a matter of time.

Why is it that you must identify the source and act on resolutions fast?

Because tiredness is a disease.

It spreads.

And when you're tired, you display it across all areas of your life - family, work, relationships, and even in your prayer life.

You are prone to negativity.
It's true. When you're tired, you're more likely to react to the smallest remark in a more nasty manner than you would have when you're not tired.

You cannot communicate effectively.
Because you're tired, your level of trying to express yourself, and to speak your mind is less effective, your mind just can't process the right way to do so. You're going to be a walking time bomb.

As a result, your relationships are not working out.
It's inevitable. Wallowed in negativity and unable to communicate effective, you can be sure that your relationships will go down south. It will not be as fulfilling as you wish it to be.

It's not that your partner, friend, family members are doing anything wrong, or doing everything wrong. You just wont have the capacity to accept them for who they are. You don't have enough space in your heart or mind to analyse the situation and what the person is trying to tell you when you're tired.

You will fall sick
No brainer here. Your immune system will fail you. You will feel lethargic, and you want to just lie down where you are and never budge.

Personal Testimony
Some time ago, I fell into a phase of tiredness due to my "overworking nature". I am not satisfied when one line item is not completed in the day. I want to finish it, preparing that tomorrow there will be new tasks and I'd better get rid of these ones at hand.

Slowly and surely, I started feeling unproductive. I became more dissatisfied. Red alerts sound when my friends and loved ones are telling me 'you're a workaholic' or 'you're working too much'. In my head I felt these people don't understand that completing these work I'm responsible for is very important to me. I stopped seeing people on regular basis, and my usual respond to invites were 'I'm busy' or 'I'm too tired, I am staying in to rest'.

Not long afterwards, I fell sick more often. Headache bands and constant colds came, and I got sick of being sick.

I felt as if I was in my teenage years where my vital level was so bad that I'm always having flu. At those times, it's due to over partying, and too much physical activities then.

The 3 years I put in place for myself to improve my immune system seemed to be going south...again.

There was an instance where someone I hold dear in my heart told me that I shouldn't work too much, that though work is important it's much important that I take care of myself.

My mum too started sitting me down to tell me that I must find the time for myself to rest, that it's not good for me. Then my best friends too, who have always been there to tell me off when I'm doing something not good.

Eventually, I came to terms with the fact that if these people who cares for me are telling me these, then there must be truth in it. All those around me were singing the same song that it's so hard for me to ignore.

But it's not after something that happened, which made me realized that all my hard work has gone under appreciated (according to my high expectations), that I pushed myself to work smart instead.

Working smart is still working hard, but with limits.

It was a humbling experience, and I'm going on with the resolved that I will take care of myself first and not pour all out to one thing.

I have many other things going on in my life that I have failed to pay closer attention to.

Heck, it's been awhile since I been on a date, and I never really bothered to go on any because I'm so engrossed with myself.

At the moment of course, i'm on the journey on finding the right balance, and to understand how much I've changed in the past few years; what's good to continue, and what's better to change.

Now, I'm thinking, sleeping, eating better than the previous months. If I can do it, so can you.

If there's anything more I can impart, it's that you must always remember you are not alone

When you feel tiredness creeping in, welcome feedback about how you think your loved in is 'losing you' to yourself. Talk to them. Listen to your loved ones and peers. What song are they singing together?

Are you doing too much or are you tired because your just being a sloth? Those who care about you will tell you just what you need, and not what you want to hear.

During my times of tiredness, I always hold on to this Bible verse;

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." - Matthew 11: 28 - 30

HE's always there for you.

God bless!

The Heart's Tug of War

Ever played a game of Tug of War?

There are two groups pulling at each end of a rope; the groups separated by a line in between. Either group tries their best to pull hard to get the other group on their end of the line. And when the last member of the other group has been pulled over the line, that group is deemed victorious.

Massive amount of effort, technique and energy is required to be successful, in order to come out victorious.

The losing team will leave members with possible abrasion on their hands and arms, even possibly their legs which they use as a fulcrum of defense. This is of course, dependent on how much resistance the losing team has put up.

What happens when the rope is replaced by your heart? Imagine the feeling.

Do you get my drift? Has it happen to you?
Has your heart felt series of pangs due to emotional tug of wars? Yes, I'm talking about dilemmas and indecisiveness on how you feel.

You enter that moment when you feel a tug of war between how you think you should feel and what you really feel.

Cliche, but always potentially present.

How do you deal with your tug-of-war moments? Do you, like me, choose to cover it up with soil and pretend as if it's not happening, praying to God that it'll pass?

There's something pulling at my heart lately, which I have realized has been the cause of restlessness in me.

I honestly feel unsure of how to address the situation and truly couldn't really find anyone to turn to for enlightenment. Then Christ came to mind.

Didn't He also encountered a dilemma? A Tug of War between the Will of His Father and His own well-being?

At the Garden of Gathsemane, He prayed asking His Father "O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will." (Mat. 26:39) and then a second time, He said again "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done." (Mat. 26:42)

He prayed for the third time, uttering the same words before going back to His disciples, ready to drink the cup to be served to him. (Mat. 26:44)

Jesus asked His Father 3 times for the grace to let the cup be passed away from Him. We usually asked more than 3 times, and it's perfectly normal due to us being flawed creatures.

But are we giving enough time to really pray? Jesus sweated blood as He prays at the Garden of Gathsemane. Though we don't sweat with blood, does our heart goes out wholeheartedly in prayer? I realized that lately, I have not prayed with such intensity.

Not really because I don't have the time to, nor I can't find the effort to do it.
Because I'm afraid at what the Will will be.

Do you lack the tenacity to pray because of fear? Not really because you can't find the time to do it, but because you're consumed by fear what his response will turn out to be.

I'm glad I'm very self-aware, I know when I'm beginning to close up again, or I'm afraid of showing my real feelings, this verse from the First book of John in 4:18 reminds that love, if true, will cast out fear.

The writer said "There's no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made in perfect in love."

I am reflecting on these words regarding my current emotions, and I pray for you that when you get out of your very own Garden of Gathsemane, you will come out certain of the path you wish to take, to live out your true vocation.

God bless you all.

People I Met From My Recent Travels

Trips started in May 2013.

1. Phuket, Thailand

I stayed there for 5 days at the Phuket Graceland Resort and Spa located right along the north of Patong.

It was my first time there and who better to go there with but with my members in the Live, Laugh, Love group. The group consists of my good friend, Laura (who has been there for 5 consecutive years) her current squeeze, Mario, her mum, Aunty Rennie and our good friends, Kisho and wife, Rebecca, and the Francis family, Francis, Sumi and Dior.

At Maya Beach, Krabi Thailand

It was an eye-opener and an experience of a lifetime. The itinerary was done up by Laura, and it was filled to the brim. There was a lot of things to do, but the itinerary was done up as a guideline, which we manage to follow 70% of the time.

Day 1 - Local thai lunch, motorbike riding, and massage.

Day 2 - Phi Phi Island tour from the early morning till sundown.

Day 3 - Beach hopping to Kata and Karon beach, shopping, and Bangla *red light district* "adventure"

Day 4 - Elephant trekking in the Kalim forest and beach side, and an awesome Italian farewell dinner at Marco Polo

Day 5 - Prepare for Phuket goodbyes

Day 3 - 5 pictures are yet to be uploaded. My camera is not being nice at the moment.

Day 2 was a highlight because of the awesome island tour. On that day, I met someone nice named Steve. We instantly connected from the start of the tour to Phi Phi Island. He's an Australian man who's been living in Chiang Mai, Thailand at his "Eat, Pray, Love" adventure. He came to the tour with his mum, and just due to that, I find he's not too bad. I get wary with white guys. But this guy was different. I guess it's the realness in how he conveys himself, as well as the way I see him with his mum. It's the beauty of seeing a man knowing how to treat his mother well, that makes a woman admires such a man. I guess that's what made me dubbed him differently.

We shared a lot of commonalities in perspectives and thoughts, and I let him speak his mind. He's not those sweet talker, trying to get laid kind of guy. He's gone past that phase of life I believe. And he's in that self-actualization phase of his life. I guess maybe because he's over 30 years old. But then again, I knew and still hear of men his age, who just makes me shake my head in disgust.

On the speedboat, and yes, that's the guy i was talking about

We planned to exchange emails and contact details. But then it didn't happened. Things happened too fast, and when he asked for my details, I didn't get the chance to do a proper exchange. I jumped off the van too fast, before really getting or giving the details.

It's a pity really because we were planning to catch up in Singapore, as his travels plans are flexible. But I guess it was not meant to be.

Day 4 was very special to me. I got to ride an elephant! I was somehow torn between the enjoyment of the trek and the thought that the elephants are really not living a nice life having to slave away this way.

The Italian dinner made up for the day really. It's the best Italian food I've tasted yet. Of course, I am not making a firm conclusion because my trip to Italy is not yet materializing. I will make my conclusion at another time, if I'm at the liberty to.

Overall, the 5 days were really great. And I'm glad to have made this trip despite the expected blow on my month's budget. No regrets at all.

In the next posts, I shall post up my reviews and thoughts on the Island, but I might do it after my next trip to Phuket. Yes, I'm going there again this month end.

This time for company conference and retreat at Dusit Thani, one of the most amazing resort hotels in Phuket, as I've read. Let's see when I get there.

So we bid our goodbyes to Phuket. I came back home too tanned for my good, and everyone noticed my discoloration.

Going on, to the next trip of the month - it's mostly short trips over the public holidays and the weekend.

2. Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

My best friend, Nurul, whom I'm currently working with since 2 months back, was called to Malaysia for a recent SOS phase due to resource crunch in the region's office. So right after my trip to Phuket, I came back to work first to settle some projects, and then bid adieu again on Friday with the initial plan to go to Tioman Island to join my family who was there since the Tuesday I came back from Phuket. I was all set, with my money changed to Ringgit.

2 hours later, I received a call from my father that they're coming home, and that I shouldn't go there to find them. Bumped, I called Nurul and told her I will come to see her. She was more than happy as our guy friends are all heading up to KL as well to party.

I left Singapore rather late, so poor worried Nurul and Amanda (a good friend / colleague), waited at KL Sentral until 1am.

Good thing Amanda's guy friend has a car, and we got to the company's apartment in no time.

The next day, Saturday, I spent the whole day sleeping, irking Nurul who's usual weekend plan is to shop. We bumped around in the apartment until it was time to go meet the guys at KL CC.

It was a mellow night compared to what we were geared up for. Instead of ending up in Roots, we headed to The Social. A live band bar, where all you do is talk, play pool and talk again, which is a much enjoying time for me really. I didn't need to worry about waking up with a hangover.

The next day I went back home. Caught the 5pm coach back to Singapore where I met Gregory, a 28 year old French man, who was going to catch a flight back home after 9 months of Asian adventure.

We chatted from KL to Singapore, and then met up for lunch for some local food delights near my work place the following day. For dinner, we got wine at Pump Room. Over there, I was so shock to discover something phallic! Did you know at the Clarke Quay fountain area, something disturbing is hanging at the four beams that surrounds it. It's really crazy. 

Anyway moving on, we headed down to Arab Street at Amirah's Grill Restaurant for dinner. I brought him to the Tower afterwards. 

It's sickening because now, the view is completely blocked by another mall to be built right in front of it. But anyway, we were there only for awhile when a security guard came and told us it's not safe there and we had to leave.

After the tower, I headed to the bus stop, and we bid goodbyes. We became instant friends, and no, there's nothing more to it. He's a nice chap, and he's very open about his life experiences. I guess God wanted him to meet someone who he can talk to, and share his woes about life and especially about religion.

I can't believe I somehow catechize a man about the faith. I'm happy.

3. Segamat, Malaysia

The following week, I followed my family to my father's family estate in Segamat. I didn't know how woke up after a night of birthday celebration for Alan's birthday. I remember I was swaying home and almost asleep in the cab after AJ dropped at Tampines. 

Heading to the train station to Malaysia, we were sort of late due to the heavy traffic jam at Woodlands. I thought we were not going to make it but the train waited for another 20 minutes actually. I think it's standard procedure when there's heavy traffic in the vicinity.

Anyway, my father's family estate quite a big plot of nature, which the area where the Durian trees and pineapple patches are somehow consumed by the forest from far below the land. My uncle could only do work on it at a later time. 

The place was still as beautiful as the last I saw in five years ago. It was a good 2 days 1 night for me without work and internet connections. I went back to Singapore the next day, while the rest of the members stayed on for another 4 days. 

A highlight not to miss was while on the way to Segamat where I met Sau Han, a 44-year-old lady, at the train's canteen cabin. I sat at her booth seeing she's alone, seconds later, we started talking and continued on until we almost reached our destination. She was also headed to Segamat to sign off some property papers. We chatted about everything, from work life to family life. She's very nice to talk to and we exchanged contact details. We have gotten in touch in Singapore, and will perhaps catch up with her over lunch.

My insights from these 3 recent trips

I love this part about travelling, where I meet people. It doesn't matter to me if it's a man or woman. I guess all of us meet people for a reason. And it's beautiful when we are able to communicate and give off something of ourselves, the time we put in and the effort in conversing.

I truly appreciate that I was able to know these people. Apart from Steve, I am still connected to Gregory and Sau Han. And I know somewhere down the path of life, we will catch up again when it's meant to happen.

Now that my life goes on with family, work, church and my personal agendas, I am happy to apply some advises from those 3 God-meant meet ups, and things I learnt over the month of short travels. It has given me something to look forward for in my next travel agendas.

To those of you who loves travelling, make a difference in your travel experiences. Smile, be friendly (not overly though, you don't want to attract the wrong people), and pray that you will always be safe from harm. Then you shall meet people who can make you see some things you never seen before - about yourselves, others and generally about life.

All the best, and cheers!

With <3,

MJ