My definition of Love

Love holds different meaning to different people. It can mean different, start, blossom or even end differently.

For me, love is something like this now:

"Love is not about two people looking at each other, but of two who are looking towards the same direction."

Honey and I have an altogether different but functional relationship. It doesn't really consist of constant assurance, of 24/7 report status, of enforcing loyalty and of fearing we are going to lose each other constantly.

My relationship is something I have always desired. My bestfriend saw it.

She commented, while I was kinda suddenly falling into a doubt, that "isn't this exactly what you wanted?" and ever since, I realized that there's a reason why I said yes to him. And the reason is because he respects the space I need, and he appreciates me thoroughly because I do too.

It's lovely. Simply lovely.

With him, I don't have conditions set before me. I don't even need to watch what I say, who I talked with and act accordingly. Cos no matter what habit I hold on to, I stopped or continue, he tolerates.. And eventually leading to acceptance.

Wonderful.

But of course, to be successful in this relationship, both of you must be happy on your own. Fulfilled by your own company or the company of others. Limited to nothing, but only loyalty.

He's a simple, understanding, wonderful, rational and straight forward man, who meets me halfway. Who I can talk straight to without actually have the need to worry or be shy to.

Do I worry about the usual guy instances that he might end up cheating if I don't have time for him? Or woman instances that I'd cheat when he doesn't have time for me?

Probably im prepared, but I'm not worried. I want him, and he wants me. That's enough for now.

I can't wait to see him again <3

We been too busy with other things lately. Boohoo.


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Hospitality

The means of being hospitable gets muddled into commercialized aspect that has got to do only with serving.

As many people in the service line are taught to be hospitable, there comes a concern in me that these people lack one valuable reason on hospitality.

The functional world revolves around making money out of everything. That people have to pay huge amounts to learn to be hospitable, in polytechnics or private institutions.

Little did we know that despite learning all these commercialized form of hospitality doesn't make us any more hospitable than we were before we enrolled.

Yes, there are techniques to be learned in the commercialized hospitality industry. However, it doesn't teach you that Love should be the reason and outcome of hospitality.

There's not one technique that tells people to serve with love.

However, you will find that people who have a hospitable background tend to serve others better than those who have had no familiar hospitality background while growing up.


Sometimes however, hospitality may be derived from the second family of the person. Second families consists of relatives, extended relations, and of course, (parish) community.

To be hospitable we must be willing to offer these three things at least;

1. Food &
2. Drink
3. A place to sleep

Of course it doesn't stop there. Offer these without the heart served with it is a piracy of hospitality.

I attended a seminar regarding (Christian) Hospitality last weekend, and what moved me was the best hospitable act to give / show our visitors etc is our presence.

The way we talk, the way we look at them, we listen good and we respond with realness of ourselves.

Now that wraps up hospitality.

You may not offer food, drinks and a place to stay because maybe you don't have enough of these, or none at all, but you offer your presence and that sums up all.

And this I write from the opinion of my heart <3

Feel free to second this or to beg to differ :)

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Bible Quote

Thank you for viewing my blog, readers.
I appreciate the time you all take to read my posts, no matter how boring.

Would like to share with you a verse that grows in me:




"I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in me, and I in him, he bears much fruit; for without me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me, he shall be cast outside as the branch and wither; and they shall gather them up and cast them into fire, and they shall burn" -John 15:5-6

Sharing:
Last year, I felt the difference of relying on myself and having a powerful God, so divine, to intervene in my life.

Many times before last year I know I've experience the difference, but last year was truly my awakening.

I'm a strong willed girl who even to a fault doesn't allow moments of happiness pass. So I don't let myself get bogged down by negativity. I'm stubbornly able to lead the way to what I want. I expect a lot but I also expected to not receive (it's always at the back of my head).

To the point, I'm strong.

No matter how difficult, I just needed a little push of inspiration to get me going. But I could feel my elasticity almost going to give way to breakage.

And just as it was going to, He called me to walk with Him.

From March to May, my home life took a huge crash as financial disagreements rose. From May onwards, my almost 3year relationship ended. July came, and August came and the events felt as if someone ripped off your still fresh scab,
dig at it and poured in a bottle of alcohol in the open wound.

My beloved grandma passed away.

But when she left me here on earth, she gave me the best inheritance any daughter or grandchild could ask for - love, faith and hope - God.

And I'm happy. For all the things God has given me and made me to become.

I will give him the glory He rightfully deserves.



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My heart Smiles

It's funny how you never expected to feel something wonderful but you actually do.

I've conveyed to mum and well, she was concern but all was good when she asked me something and she saw I'm happy. She was trying to catch a glimpse of what I feel, that I might not know about.

I honestly didn't think that my face expressed what is in the inner part of my heart. (even if I'm afraid or shy to admit)

Haha I'm not saying I'm soooo in love, but it will get there, given proper time and connection I know I will.

For some reason, I still cannot find a bad thing to pin point in him.

But maybe, who knows it's true that maybe someone is made just for you, perfect in your eyes and soul.

We are two adults seeking something stable and of love.

So may God bless our souls.

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The New Beginning?

I decided.

I'm excited and it's really funny how things led to something serious such as these.

I've to share with mum soon.

She'll definitely be full of questions, and even skeptical, just as how concern my best friend is due to this.

I don't blame her. This is not how my relationship starts but honestly, it's real funny how my life goals matched his.

We'll have to simmer things down, actually accept the incredible story.

I think even he and I still find things incredible.

I've never felt more adult than I ever thought I could feel. Wow.

I'm looking forward to see him again :)


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Love, Salvation, Trust

Human's love is imperfect no matter how sincere or perfect it may seem. It is selfish, and it is full of shortcomings. But with God, Human's love is made perfect.

Why? Because...



And the most evident product of His Love is His providence of our salvation:



When you learn to



Even the most scary fall, you will not fear because you know His Hands will catch you, firmly and securely.

So come on, it's time to fall into His arms.



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Generous heart

Mother Theresa said to give till it hurts. That only when we feel a pinch do we know that yes, we are actually giving ourselves along with what we give others.

It goes with regards to money, but of course the intangible things like love, help and the likes too are counted.

In which case, I thought that maybe it suggests that Love NEED to hurt.

So I was thinking that it's when were hurt that we learn to appreciate the love, and when we give till there's none much left that we understand the meaning of being generous.

I have been examining my conscience with my ability of being generous.

Am I being generous or am I being a show off?

With lately been provided by a good cash-flow, am I lending, giving and loaning to people because I want to be a help that makes my friends glorify God for my help or is it to increase my ego and glorify myself?

Honestly, this year GOD's providence is really abundant. Even when I don't have much anymore, even to the point of complete dry spell of money, one way or another, I get a windfall.

Experiencing God in this way makes me understand how blessed I am.

This year is one of the most challenging just yet: two of my younger cousins will be coming with grandpa. They'll be studying here and I'm going to be their lifeline.

So many obstacle so far with documentations and as I think of the cost of them living here, I praise the Lord for letting me tap from His strength.

Also, im not going to lie that I need a human man offer me the warmth and moral encouragement I need.

But I will not settle for just random man with false intent and insufficient warmth to support.

He must be a God-fearing man who honors and respect a woman in all ways, in hopes of allowing her to be holy.

Idealistic? Yes, but ideas divine are ideas that will be made real by God.

Believe.

This year, I've an offer to take that can truly be a blessing. If it is His Will, I gladly accept it.

P.S. I've already made peace with Thomas. That means that emotional baggages has been cleared. We are happy for each other.

Praise God for today's opportunity. Amen.


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Path to A New Adventure

I'm going to give it a shot.

After I decide on Friday, if it's a green signal from God, I will book us Engage Encounter sessions at my Parish.

I can't believe that I'm actually going through this route. I'm going to talk to mum soon.

I guess it'll be this year.

On my birthday.


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Meatless & Weird Stuff

I went meat-less today, and might continue tomorrow too.

We'll see what happens :)

So I was thinking I might actually finally donate blood. Got kinda excited when I saw this poster:




So let's see, I might actually do it.

---

I'm very weirded out lately actually, i'm beginning to think that I have 'Marry Me' post-its on my forehead, or something.

Ok I'm not complaining, it's a huge compliment to have stable, nice men gauging that I'm a good woman to marry, and it's exciting, whisking me to a new level of adventure, but maybe, just maybe, I need to talk with myself how these things will be on me in a long run.

---

Bestie says I've to think properly, and actually make the effort to size them up and so I can see if I can 'consider to consider' proposals.

{Like I don't know that}

Maybe I'm just held up by things that I don't show much interest.

I just need time to get back to my original perspectives.

For now, I'm going to smile and play coy like I always do. And, play stupid to all matters as these.

I don't know why I can't take these things seriously. Tho deep down I may know the root to these.

Maybe, its cos I been in immature relationships that leads nowhere near solid prospects of marriage. And of course, I guess it might be just me too.

---

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Lord's Second Coming

I just came from a movie with Azmi, No Strings Attached, and we walked home from eHub.

{Will give a short review on the movie in the next posts to come}

Anyway, as we walked back to my place, and he was busy texting his girl friend, words and tune just entered my head and it started with -

"The whole world will bow down before you, as you walk with us again.

The while earth will pay homage to you O my King"

And then I continued, having the tune and the words overflowing continuously till I actually completed a song - a ballad on the Lord's Second Coming.

I could see it being played this year's advent.

The lyrics are as follows:

The whole world will bow down before you
As you walk with us again
The whole earth will pay homage to you O my King
Up ahead they will see a bright light in their midst

So come O our King
Walk amongst us we pray
As you come let us see your face
Once again

Fill us with your presence,
Empower us all

The whole world will bow down before you
As you walk with us again
The whole earth will pay homage to you O my King
Up ahead they will see a white light in their midst

O Lord please forgive our trespasses we pray
Shine on us your light once again

Fill us with your presence,
Empower us all

For the world will bow down before you as you come
Teach us, lead us
Remain... With us
Lord forgive us our sins

For the world will bow down before you as you come
Teach us, lead us
Remain... With us
Lord please forgive us our sins

End of Song.

I'm proud of it, should show it to my musician friends and they can pair it with their instruments.

I'm really happy that God blesses me with talents for words and be an instrument for him.

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Birthday Bloated

Happy birthday to my dears father and cousin, Azmi.












After work I met up with them at East Coast Food Village.






It was a chore looking for seats that would fit 8 Adults, 2 Teens and 1 Child.

And to all who've been there, you would know how difficult it is to get a proper seat. But thank God we got a big ans comfortable place to sit at.

Initial plan would have been at Swissotel or at our new family favorite restaurant at Downtown East, Magic Wok. But cos Father's mum and siblings came so we have to "spend less".

It was fun tho. We spend so much on food, but thank God nothing was wasted.






{too much food}








{but more to come}







The food was awesome nevertheless. I guess this was one of the best place to have birthday dinner cos it's cheap but wonderful. Thank God for His great providence.

--

Azmi and I stole some time to ourselves, but ended up at Mana Mana area and it kinda whipped up some memories but the good thing was that I wasn't affected.

It was good memory.

--

Anyway, back to the celebration. I'm seated here after eating Prima Deli's cookies and cream cake that Aunt chose. It was nice!

--

Tomorrow I will be going out with Azmi and spend some cousin times after a long time. We have a lot of things to catch up on!

So tomorrow's movie time! :-)

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My little brother!

It seems only like yesterday that my lil brother is a small cute baby wrapped in baby blankets, and still delicate, and now he's in school direct to nursery 2.

He's becoming a model student. Gauging from his independence I don't see the reason why he isn't.

Love him so much!






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Attraction

Every friendship/relationship started with this - attraction.

Part or the entirety of the person can make you feel attracted, but no, it isn't love.

There's no such thing as 'love at first sight'. Loving the exterior of the person in a second is purely lust. But it definitely can turn to love should you cross the barrier, make contact and initiate friendship.

And ladies, you can initiate. According to a religious speaker at my friend's church, a woman can initiate with the assurance that she's sure her motive is as pure as she should be.

Otherwise, the whole story about Eve offering the deadly apple to Adam will repeat itself in your own life. Thus making both man and woman incur a cursed relationship.

Anyway, back to attraction.

It's that emotion we feel when we see that person, a crush, someone we admire.

Attraction is important, and it can be a one sided affair but of course, the next step to friendship will actually give you enough time to win over your crush into gaining a mutual attraction.

If the attraction is already mutual instantly, don't rush into anything physical. Yes, lust can become an issue even at the point of attraction.

If you want the attraction to last, build it from the foundation of friendship.

Give yourself a period of three to six months to gauge how you feel because what you feel now may differ when you give some time more getting to know your crush.

It might change drastically - from like to dislike, or it'll just make you more convinced that you can see your crush as someone you want to establish a deeper friendship with.

Note to self: Always remember that friendship is the strongest foundation relationships should have.

Next post: Roles of man/woman in relationships.






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How to love your job or any form of work?

To love your work, you gotta love your life.

To love your life, you gotta love yourself.

To love yourself, you gotta love God.

Enough said.


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Chesterton said:

"Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found hard and left untried! More than any other, the exhortation to love one's enemies has been left untried"

Something to share with you from the homily that my Parish Priest gave last Sunday.

I feel it's true that Christianity takes more than just wanting salvation. Itself, I think it's how we accept the Lord's teaching in order to find salvation.

It begins by loving one another as Jesus loves us. There's many people in the world who refuse to accept him as the Savior, when from thousands of years before, His coming has been proclaimed, been written in scriptures and believed by many. But when He arrived, walked amongst us two thousand years ago, and his teaching proved to be hard to swallow, many decide to believe only what appealed and suited to them.

It's like picking at our food.

For me too, I find religion hard to swallow due to the many laws created by The Vatican. But the only way I can hope to be a good Christian is when I come to church with an empty cup, and learn from the authority set before us in a form of a brotherly Priest.

Constantly, Christians need to do their all to learn Christ's teaching, and accept his new set of commandments. And the greatest is Love.

When I think of loving one's enemy and not just our friends, I have always ensure never to bear grudges and make amends with anyone I stepped on. Or at least have peace at heart that I don't have hate in it.

But then Thomas came to mind. I tried to ask and study my conscience for any hate or anger I've kept. I spend my months last year removing hate of him but after just conveniently texting me that he has someone else when I told him I want to fight for him, it hurt me, i think, and it made me wonder now why I wasn't affected then is because I made myself deflect the hurt and accepting it, so thus it turned to hate.

It can't be possible I've stopped loving him, because it's impossible to stop loving someone so fast especially the time of years I spent with him. I don't think people actually stopped loving, it's just that they have conditioned themselves not to feel for the particular person.

Anyway, point is, I think I've to really examine myself for any hate because as long as I don't feel at peace if he hits my head even once in a blue moon, I will not be able to claim my place that I'm a good Christian.

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Marriage Proposal

Sometimes people come to our life and plant an idea there, but that doesn't mean that the person who plant that idea is the one who will be the help God intends for us, to nurture till the plant is full grown, ready to bear fruits.

God uses these 'farmers' to plant that idea for us to prepare ourselves for something that is forthcoming.

I think for me, it's marriage.

Just months back, I said that I will not walk down the aisle and that I will not settle anymore without being completely sure. I never took the idea of marriage seriously, nor actually think that it's something God will want me to think about.

A friend of mine who actually made a proposal for some reason made me open my mind to possibilities of marriage, and now I have reconciled with my fear of love. I'm actually excited to love again!

But of course, like I said it's not necessarily that person who plant the idea in your head the one to be helping you nurture it till the plant is full grown.

So lately, I'm reading and knowing more about love derived from GOD's teaching and ways. I want Him to be the central of my relationship. Of course, it's not easy, so it's good to have a spiritual travel buddy to journey with.

A girlfriend, Gem, actually passed me a Relationship Guide material she got from her church's relationship seminar she attended, and I feel that it's a good start of a guide.

I will share the relationship process in my next post.

For now I will end my post with an advise from a girlfriend, Clara, which I feel that is something I hope God allows me to have, I hope to re-phrase as closely as I can to her spiritual understanding:

"A man and a woman sharing a mutual human love cannot give each other unconditional and sacrificial love, because naturally, humans are selfish. Only with GOD's presence in their life together does human love get perfected. They need God to form that strong bond couples need to share an everlasting love, only GOD's love is everlasting"


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Come to Me, and I will give you rest..

Life is not all that bad, my friend, hmmm
If you believe in yourself
If you believe there's Someone
Who walks through life without you
You'll never be alone
Just learn to reach out,
And open your heart
Lift up hands to God,
And He'll show you the way.

And He said, "Cast your burdens upon Me
Those who are heavily laden,
Come to Me, all of you who are tired
Of carrying heavy loads,
For the yoke I will give you is easy
And My burden is light,
Come to Me and I will give you rest."

When you feel the world
Is tumblin' down on you,
And you have no one
That you can hold on to,
Just face the rising sun
And you'll see hope,
And there's no need to run
Lift up your hands to God,
And He'll make you feel all right.

And He said, "Cast your burdens upon Me
Those who are heavily laden,
Come to Me, all of you who are tired
Of carrying heavy loads,
For the yoke I will give you is easy
And My burden is light,
Come to Me and I will give you rest."



Song by Fred Hammond


Dedicated to the family and loved ones that my Beloved Grandmother left behind.


I love you, granny. Mwahs

Rooms | wanderlust hotel

Rooms | wanderlust hotel

OMG

This

HOTEL

is

AWESOME!

Can't believe it's available here in Singapore.

*hyperventilates*

Happy Valentine's Day 2011

Would like to share with you an interesting website that you may get interesting Valentine’s Day craft/gifts/recipe ideas!

http://www.makeandtakes.com/spotlight

It’s the time of year again,

As friends and lovers unite in turn;

A day much fun celebrated in love,

Brought to you from up above.

Smile and believe there’s one destined,

Rewards of love will come redeemed;

Fret not but smile, fear not but brave it,

Valentine so great you shall have it!

-MJ-

Back to work and more...

Okay, so i was suppose to post about a how-to on Batam in the Harbour Bay district.

I boarded by noon and by 2pm, i'm already at Batam, Indonesia.
It was a fast boat ride, and i was hardly able to catch a shut eye.

When i reached Harbour Bay Amir Hotel, i was tired due to the Batam heat. It was okay.

I reached the Ferry Terminal fine and excited at what i'd experience there, all alone and currently no one to call on should anything happen. The terminal are littered with taxi drivers hoping to get passengers. I walk on knowing that my hotel is only a stone throw away. Indeed i reached in less than 7mins.

I rested for a bit before i decided to head out for dinner and some sightseeing.
Had early dinner at this fast food restaurant, Best Friend Chicken, and had Ayam Penyet..

A BIG NO to those who want to eat at restaurants like that.

Please eat at those street hawkers. They not only taste nicer but it's also much more cheaper.
Spend from 17K on the Batam nasi padang.. It's very nice!

So i contracted a local ojek (biker) to ferry me around places and introduce me to things to see at Batam.
I thought at first that i must be crazy to do it, but he turned out to be with moral and integrity.

I contracted him for two days, he brought me to Tanjung Ma for an overall hill sightseeing, viewing the whole Harbour Bay on the first night and Barelang Bridge on the second day. Nothing much to see really, but it's really nice at night. At the hill, there's this local restaurant that serves superb food.

Also, the place was real windy so it was really really very relaxing.

Headed to my hotel after  dessert and then i spent my night in the bath tub and watching tv.
Being alone is apparently rather enjoyable. This is one of the things i needed before i fully kick started this year.

I mourned for granny again, then i felt that it's okay. She's better off now.

And then i shed tears for my ex boyfriend of almost 3 years too. But that was it.

No regrets nor hopes for ever having to think i'd want him back etc.

Then something still bugged me.

It's that person that's been itching me up for a bit now. I don't know what to do with him actually. Should i respond and go further to his subtle invitations or would it be a disastrous event to go back a time 6 years ago.

Or would it be different this time? I will never know.

Cos i guess i'm never going to venture there. It's better to think that somehow, what little happened with us happened because of the time apart, and maybe a crazy idea to embark on something with the familiar person you know is always there no matter how long and how long the absence is.

Each time however i decided to let it be, something pulls me back to him. Weird eh. I don't know...

Anyway, so i stayed in Batam for 2 nights, and come the 2nd night, i spent it on my bath tub and with TV.

It was good opening and ending my trip with a prayer :)

It made my stay really wonderfully serene and safe, making me see that Batam seems misjudged.
The people there are very friendly.

So now at this moment, i'm back to work.
Work has gotten interesting ever since after the cruise, as i got to know some juicy stuff.

I'm still trying to comprehend and accept the seriousness of what he feels. For a quiet guy who was unnoticed by me for all this time, to eventually be someone who confesses and professes what he wants, it's a very surprising thing.

I guess only lately he had the courage to come out.

At this moment too that i think i should let this one other fish go back to the ocean. I don't like lead ons so it's important for me to be honest that i don't think anything will be possible with this current guy i'm kinda seeing.

Well, i've been transparent that i'm not on exclusive terms with anyone.

So may the best man win.

Finance / Family Advise

I'm not married, in a relationship nor a financier.

But I'd like to share with you a valuable lesson that I wish to keep with regards to family finance.

I was actually thinking about how family usually fails in their finance management.

And for some reason, I came up with a realistic and yet thoroughly idealistic solution;

"A successful family finance depends on the teamwork of ALL its members. Men, it's your responsibility to provide for your family - emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually and of course, financially. Women, it's your duty to help your man when he can't make ends meet - motivation, support, encouragement, understanding, and yes, financially too. Children, it's your job to avoid spending unnecessarily, and if you're of age, work the weekends to pay off your own habitual expenses."

"Men, it has always was, and always will be, your call to provide for your wife, and family, for everything. And you can never do that if you can't trust her with your life, let alone your money."

"Men, you have to earn for the family, women, you need to use his earning to give your family a home."

"Women, your man cannot do it all on his own. If he has given all he could to give you, and you know that he has always done and he can't say no to any of your expenses, you have to cut him some slacks when he cannot provide more than he can"

"Women, you need to know that just because he's the man of the house, doesn't mean that you have to put ALL of the family expenses on him. If you have the money, use it and elevate his burdens. This is called teamwork."

"Opinions of external members such as parents of the man or woman, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, cousins and so forth, should NEVER override the financial understanding of the man and woman"

"Men, if you have habits that pulls at your wallet besides what is necessary and what you can afford, you have to give it up. You're similarly choosing between two things - temporary or permanent happiness. So what will you choose?"

"Women, don't fall prey to overly superficiality of branded items. Yes, buy branded items when you can, or if it's due to occasions. The feeling you feel right after you buy that Gucci or Prada will not be special anymore when it becomes a habit. Same principle to the feeling you get towards a dish you eat everyday for a month, or even just a week"

There's more actually but I'm stopping here. These are just some guidelines I wish to follow through in due respect of the principles I developed as I lay thinking of my friends' first-hand experiences and even my own family's financing issues.

Sometimes, it's not that the money is not enough. It's mostly due to our management. I've seen how I can juggle with $150 and $1500 a month, it can disappear at the same rate / duration if I don't actually pull the reign on my money.

Remember the sayings:

"The higher your income, the higher your expense"

And a very one I coined regarding happiness and contentment:

"You're never happy if your not first contented"

XOXO

CNY Vacation

We got a week's break for Lunar New Year holiday from 2 Feb to 7 Feb. But of course it sucks when 2 days leave is taken from your 14 days entitlement, 2 days is weekends (that you're still entitled to) and since the official public holidays for lunar new year is 2 days, there's nothing really great out of it.

But nevertheless, instead of staying in town experiencing days of Ghost Town madness, I decided to head out to Batan Island, Indonesia. An hour away by sea from SG, to a whole different place one hour backwards time difference.

At first I wanted to head to Penang, Malaysia then decided against that due to the crazy potential traffic situation that CNY crowd will bring. A normal 10-hour coach ride might easily be extended to 15 hours travel time only. Thanks to my Malaysian friends and boss who has gone thru the experience, here I am now waiting for my ferry departure at Vivo City.

I've still two hours to burn before my boarding.

I'm happy that I finalized everything a planned. I'm meant to go! :-)

Within the coming days, I'll post a How-To travel notes to and around Batam, in Harbourbay district.

As of, I'm going to bid you adieu for now! Ciaos.

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Day 2 on Superstar Virgo (2)

So I was writing my day 2 on board the ship and then as I was uploading some photos, my blogpress got cocked up and it crashed on me.

So instead of typing again, I'll put it on point form:

- went swimming with Cantona, Janice and Grace
- table tennis with Cantona, Rudy, Janice, Jacy, Shenal, Ganesh, Bryan
- did a mini photoshoot with Bryan as photographer
- played mini golf with Arvind, Krishnan, Moorthy, Anthony and the others who came by
- went to bella vista for dinner with Cantona, Gem, Janice, Shenal, Bryan and Anthony
- Chilled out at the deck till 3am
- Realized at I spent $100 on drinks just for myself when I won't normally do on land

So anyway, here are some pics to see:
























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Day 1 in Superstar Virgo

Post update of my weekend holiday:

We reached Harbourfront center around 4.30pm only to start boarding at around 6pm. We dispersed into our respective cabins with our designated cabin mates.



I was assigned with Gem & Janice, my two other Pinoy buddies in Innocom.

Despite wanting to rest for even just a little while, we had to get ready for our group dinner at Bella Vista. The stated dress code was 'Elegant Casual'. And so we dressed accordingly after our much needed shower and make ups, headed out late only to be further delayed by being late.

We were not able to locate the right part of deck 6 of the ship that is where Bella Vista is located. After asking and being directed to the area, we walked into the restaurant, only to get head turns and some ''wow'' and ''so dressed up'' comments.

They were hardly dressed closed to 'Elegant Casual'.

Nevertheless, we sat at the next available 4-seaters and made ourselves comfortable. The restaurant's waiters were not at all attentive nor even bothered to make us feel acknowledged that we are there ready to be served.

However, after a moment of asking and calling for them, they provided our allocated meal.



These were our dishes - steamed chicken, stir-fried kangkong, prawns, Thai-sauce fish, and sweet pork, accompanied by meat soup and Chinese tea.

The food was not bad. The fish was awesome in the thai sauce, if that is what is the sauce. It tasted as such. I pretty much enjoyed the Chinese tea. It's a real treat.

After exchanging silent "his" and "hellos" from the others, we received group gathering at our table, consisting of Anthony, Bryan, Rudy and Cantona.

They 'blessed' our food by eating off them complaining that they weren't filled and later left for the decks for a smoke. Cantona stayed with us till we finish our meal.

We joined them again at the deck D for the emergency drill.



The crew showed us where to gather and how to use our life jacket in case of emergency. The drill lasted for no more than 10mins. Then we were free to do our own things. The free and easy part of the cruise started.

Initial group was Anthony, Bryan, Shenal, Cantona, Gem, Janice, and I. Later as we headed to the Piazza, we were all joined by Grace, Ganesh, Basanta, and we saw the others.


Lost count of who came and went with us. But I know that after walking around for a bit, I disintegrated myself from the group and went solo to Bellini for a glass of wine. I got myself a $39 (add 15% Cust service charge for every transactions ok) coupon that gives me 6 drink tabs that I plan to last the 2 nights. I also saw the best present for mum. It's a nice bag, I will purchase it tomorrow and add it in the next post 'Day 2 in Superstar Virgo'.

Later on, I walked around and ended up at the top deck, in hopes to bump into them. After walking around and exploring on my own for some time, I was reunited with Gem and Janice, who were taking photos with Janice's DSLR. After which, we explored the casino areas in hope to find the guys.

Cantona called me to let them know where they are. But darn it I'm going to be charged $10 jus for that 2mins call! So we headed up deck to be back with the group. We found them, sat with them - Anthony, Bryan, Rudy, Shenal, Cantona, Basanta - and then later I floated onto the other group - Judy, Lenny, Derrick, Ck, Andrew (red-faced due to beer), Joot and beau, Fabian, and Richard - they were drinking on and on, with Andrew already tipsy. It was a good laugh with them. Then I floated back with the earlier group.

We had a round of Truths and Dare minus the dare, and uncovered crazy things from these colleagues. Good laugh!

After a bit, we went to check out a party at the Piazza, which was not a party at all, more like games night, so we headed up to the Mediterranean Buffet food hall. Along the way, Arvind, Ganesh, Moorthy and Krishnan went with us (minus Anthony and Bryan) and all through supper.

Gem and Cantona respectively called it a day and they retired on their respective cabins, so it was only Janice, Shenal, Basanta, Arvind, Ganesh, Moorthy, Krishnan and I was left.

Headed to casino as Basanta wanted to try his luck, but since Janice couldn't come in due to her DSLR, we left Basanta and Shenal there, and headed to top deck.

Then that's where we all learned dance from each other. We took shots and being the photography enthusiast, I was their photographer!

Richard came to join us and danced with Moorthy to some Hindi song. It was another good laugh (:

We hung out for a bit joining the other group at KTV lounge, just to say hi and we went to Starlight lounge to listen to the liveband but just as we wanted to order drinks, the singer bid goodnight with their last songs so I cancelled my order and without much left to do, we all called it a good night and headed to our respective cabins.

Tomorrow is a brand new day!



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Are we having fun yet?

This weekend will be a bit different. I'm going to join my company for a 3D2N retreat on board a cruise - Superstar Virgo.

This is going to be my first time on company retreat and on board a big ship like Virgo.

I've always loved the waters. There's something about the sea that I find alluring. I always feel at home when at the presence of the sea. So I enjoy the beach, and even just lazing by the shore.

So anyway, I will update when I get back hugs to you all!

Mwahs.

Dream Bedroom (This is only on sexy and girly days)

This Malibu Barbie Bedroom is the bomb man. Makes me think of nice nice things (:
No, i'm not girlie. And it's not because of Barbie that i like this bedroom. Cos this is a harmonious combination of my fave colors - Red (especially) and Pink!

Love it.

Mr Right, please get me this bedroom, and you can expect great things ;)

Weeee~

In Search of a New Heart Beat

I was actually pondering this subject in my head - How come till now i haven't gon gugu gaga (crushed madly) on anyone, that is then worth enough to flirt continuously with in hopes and wish to have him as my boyfriend or my potential hubby? *Laughs*

You know, the kind of budding love that can make your whole life a little bit more exciting romantically? Maybe after being on two long term relationships that didn't last, my excited mojo just died after the recent ex-boyfriend i bide adieu to.

So now, most dates i have been with are due to reasons. They are decent and nice guys who makes me smile.

But is the decency and the nice feeling of smiles worth it to settle compared to being in an up and down roller coaster ride with tons of real love and affection? I don't know much now, but hey, when i get a real answer then i shall thread back to this topic.

Lately, i have suitors who have been asking me out but i'm not saying straight 'yes' to them, with one suitor last month has been given the boot because he reminded me of why i dislike being in a relationship. So what if i date a lot and i get reminded why i dislike being in relationship again. Then what happens?

I'm therefore looking for a guy who makes me see why i preserve and fight to be in a relationship. Even my last relationship of 3 years didn't really put me rooted to the ground. I couldn't find the reason to stay most of the time due to the hurt i felt which he caused, and due to the hurt I give him which i'm guilty about.

In any case, i realize i lost my fighting spirit and the need to hold on to a relationship after my 'first love' spoiled me. I don't know why for him, i stood standing for years. I held on, i persevere, i didn't say goodbye, and i fully compromise. We ended cos of huge miscommunication and misunderstanding. After him, my next relationship started half hearted, but proved to be the longest and most trying one. I loved the guy but the hurt made me all the more uncertain how to hold on to that relationship. but for the 'first love', it's like a different language of love altogether. Maybe it's true the saying 'First love never dies'.

& now it's funny how after 5 years, were back in contact and i found out some things during some times spent that i was really surprised about. I didn't really know how to take it to my hands, so i rode the waves. But then i eventually cannot find the reason to linger...

So i float.

I'm now seeing this guy lately. We met at one of my favorite club joints. I don't usually like seeing guys i meet at clubs but he's different. He dance and he's very respectful. I guess he's one of the guys who goes clubbing just to dance and enjoy, instead of the typical.

We're at the moment friends, with the benefits like those who date - head out for dinner, chill out, hugs, kiss, hold hands - but with no commitments, or even talks of such. The last talk we had was we found out that we 'like being single' and that's that.

There's just an aspect that makes him really different - he respects. So all the warmth and care i get from him, they're all full of respect, full of 'if this makes her happy, it's enough' kinda respect.

There's no force, no expectations, no hopes... Just fun and company.

---
However, if there is that one guy who still seem to make my heart beat so fast, it's *him* despite the many volumes of my love stories. And i can never understand why...

Maybe cos "It was only just a ..."

God spoke to me!

Mark 1:14-20

After John was arrested, Jesus went into Galilee and began preaching the Good News of God. He said, "The time has come; the kingdom of God is at hand. Change your ways as believe the Good News."

As Jesus was walking along the shore of Lake Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Ndeew casting a net in the lake for they were fishermen. And Jesus said to them, "Follow me, and I will make you fish for people." At once, they left their nets and followed him. Jesus went a little farther on and saw James and John, the son of Zebedee; they were in their boat mending their nets. Immediately, Jesus called them and they followed him, leaving their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired men.

Sermon highlight:

To immediately leave everything behind to follow Jesus is ideal; in reality, our following of Jesus happens in stages. We receive the call, we follow, and yet we also return to our former way of life. Then, the call comes again and once again we respond to follow Jesus is not something we do once and for all, but ab on-going process, life our life. Following of Jesus is not static. It is not a goal but a process.

This sermon highlight made me cry for it has totally spoken to me. And it is only in my heart did I sound my doubts and fears in what if I stray back to my old ways, of frivolous enjoyment - drinking, smoking, night life and forget Him.

As of, my weekends hold great happenings in the social sphere, but I'm always afraid what might happen to my religious life, will I lose God's calling.

And so with this, I totally understood that God doesn't hinder me. He is the premium addition to a much controlled enjoyment.

Thank God. I was not worthy of His message, comfort and love, but He heals me when my burdens grow heavy. He heals me and I'm able to receive Him.

Amen.





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First Wknd of the New Year

It's Friday night!

People like me will be out partying on premium invites to one of the hottest clubs around, sipping free drinks, heading to the dance floor and be the life of the party. And then meeting other people who also fly in the same flock just having fun, passing the night away.

Even the transport back home is taken care of. Safely, and clean. No dirty business because you know you can pay whoever and whatever just to make sure you're safe home.

Yeah, but that was half a decade ago.

Now, in short my Friday has become more meaningful over the years :)

And also, it means I'm not well off (brat) anymore, nor fly with the 'cool' and 'live for the moment' people anymore. Which then becomes either a gain or a loss - to me a loss is a gain - subjected to your own mindset.

I don't fit with them anymore, the ladies who spend their life on parties, and men who's just living it out for the moment.

I think I outgrew the whole idea of being a party animal but that doesn't go to say that I don't have fun anymore.

Of course, I also cut down being in the limelight, what with me being off dance for quite a bit. Usually, what makes me the life of the party is that I become the only girl who can battle and win, even getting free drinks as a form of applause from the ones I bit.

Well well, bidding adieu to that party memory now.

I have my own party ways as it is. Not so frivolous, yet not so rigid either :)


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Back to work

So I took leave from 23 Dec to 4 Jan, to spend Christmas and New Year away from office.

I wanted to travel out to some undecided destination, have an adventure, maybe meet someone interesting and stay interestedly distracted for some time.

But two group of people interfere, and One Divine Will told me I shouldn't go out of the country. So I listened and I stayed, and eventually as I looked back, it was really for the best.

I got to spend time with my siblings, bestfriend, cousins and of course take a rain check on everything I need to do to better my financial securities and personal relationships.

It was only my second day at work, and I was already looking forward to the weekend. Honestly, work felt like an ocean these past days as I keep swimming and the land in the horizon is still rather far.

However, as the day ends I know that I've only left one more day to bid adieu to my frivolous lifestyle and holiday feeling. It's about time I straighten up and get to work as the second week of the new year enters.

Thank God for the Divine assistance he's been giving me because despite my distracted and holiday mood still majorly present, I still manage to ascertain my job well done with my boss giving positive feedbacks at my supposed second-standard works :)

I badly want the Marketing Supervisor title already, and a pay raise because I cannot be left stagnant in my current pay and title when I know I deserve an acceleration.

Employee appraisal has been held, and I await good news by end of this month.

Pray and wish me well.

God bless!




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A New Year!

Wow.

As i checked my last post, i am very ashamed how i have abandoned this blog.
I love writing and yet, i haven't updated much about the happenings of my life since July's post regarding my 2 months being single.

Well, as it is the butterfly ring had more in store for me.

You see in the past, old wives tale, even my parish priest, Fr Albert, says that butterflies symbolizes spirits of the dead. In this case, it symbolizes my grandmother.

Shortly a few weeks later, my grandmother fell ill and eventually the sickness, which was rather minor, took her away from me.

Regrets and complete heartache befell me.

I had already planned my trip to Vietnam by July 30, booked and paid for my 4d3n stay in Ho Chi Mihn City during my birthday week on 21-24 as i took a one week leave.

I don't think i really took the seriously the situation of my grandmother, i never even fathom that my grandmother will leave me one day, and never at all did i see nor feel this coming.

I usually do when something bad will happen. But this couldn't have been bad i guess, because it never went on my 'something bad will happen' radar. I actually took to heart more the pain of having lost my 3year boyfriend, because i know it's already going, gone, gone. The only moment it felt real was when I went back home in the midnight with my mother and sister with bloodshot eyes crying.

I cannot believe she was really gone.

My world was definitely 100x crushed comparatively to having broken up with my 3 year bf.
Because i know i can never hear or speak with her again. Never.

So anyway, i eventually flew to Philippines to take care of her burial rites and everything.
I'm blessed to be the one to be functioning still, to take care of everything. Although it was hurting like an intentional cut of the knife on the flesh, i still had to be the one to arrange it all.

My grandfather and I.

Well, i guess we both are the ones who had the most regrets in life pertaining to her so it's only just right that we help each other redeem our conscience.

Another aspect of my life in 2010 that becomes a highlight was that only at the loss of my grandmother did i realize that I don't know much about Catholicism, nor any type of religion at all. It also awakened my age-long question of religion. I have been caught in between two religions for the past 13 years & so here i am, already decided.

I embraced my faith as a Christian again. To affirm the calling, i was called to join a 4 day Parish Renewal Experience (PRE).

Laura joined with me and we took a journey to renew our faith together. As it is, we are serving still, under the Youth Ministry. I took another responsibility under the Charismatic Prayer Community in IT assisting in the powerpoint slides coordination. In the Charismatic group, i never fail to actually remember that granny must be happy i'm following her footsteps, serving in church.

These are one of the things that i promised to her at the foot of her grave. She is the only pillar of Christianity in my cradle Catholic family, and i guess she has chosen me to follow where she left off.

I felt really good about everything as i embraced my faith. No longer do i rely on my own wisdom, knowledge, strength, or positivity. No longer do i get exhausted chanting in the morning, "Today is a new day!" with no form of divine request of assistance. No longer do i rely on my own will. I feel like I'm backed up by faith.

Faith in oneself is nothing compared to having faith in God - because i have always had and relied on self-faith, and so i know the difference.

The only thing that eventually still poke at my scars is the loss of grandmother.

As months passed, i decided to completely forgive and forget the hurt i felt with regards to my recent ex. I hated him, but i guess i can never ask for God's love if i have hatred in my heart. So i removed all the hate i have had about him, then i uncover the amount of love still present for him.

I decided to fight for it.

Then again, i was 7 months too late.

It was me who wanted to end it, it was me who pushed it all away, it was me who rejected him, and so eventually he saw no reason anymore not even the love he felt for me, just because he feels that I've already ruined the view of his family and friends on me, by the amount of hurt he has incurred.

Well, the only defense i had for that was that i know that his family and new/old set of friends also knew that i was someone he was totally happy with. And all the hurt he incurred was self-inflicted because it was not even half the pain i incurred from him. Nevertheless, he's a good man. Just maybe, not the one for me.

So here in 2011, he doesn't seem as if he existed besides the fact that i recall great moments still. Esp some traces of memory at my place, and places we usually hang at. But someone's presence actually makes everything of him seems distant.

I am full of question actually, as to why of all people, he's still the one who can console me from deep within.
It's like his very presence in my life becomes the antidote to my heartache - without even trying, without even the full force of comforting.

But there's always something i'm afraid of about him.
All this times apart... How can it actually still be possible?

--------

With our eyes closed, we go on with the pretense that we know nothing.
But language of flesh did the talking, the momentum of things started.
And yet it has to stop... before more things occur.
I now stand aware, how things are still there left to bare.

--------

I said to myself and to everyone before, never again. Never ever will this thing occur.... and yet it even to the minute scale of it, something did, and as i can see if we, or i, don't fight it, it will continue.... on and on and on and on till it's too late to drop it and go.

2months

Today I was specially squirmy. It started from yesterday and I went by the days without a clue as to why the waves of emotion sets in. It is a horrible feeling, even though I've been surrounding myself with positive things - family, friends, work and quotes - I still find it hard to really move my mind off of him.

Well, I am in a mind debate. Why do I want to close the door on him when he still want to care and offer his solace to me. Why push away the one person I actually still love and who might just be someone I can still rely on?

But then, there's always a but.

I don't want to be anyone's baggage. I don't want to lag his process of getting over me nor do I want to reject his offers of help when he can see I need it. Even though I have the conscious of not taking advantage of him, I still feel like I shouldn't allow him to be 'responsible' of me.

I don't like it. I don't want others who don't even know or even bothered trying to know me, to think that I'm just taking advantage of him, because that is and has been the last thing I could ever do.

Anyway, today is apparently 2 months since we broke up. 6th July 2010.

I want to believe that time will heal it all, but now presently, I don't. It's been 2 months, and I'm really still feeling like there can be a miracle, that he'd wake up, accept and come clean off whatever mud he threw over my name. Or to the point, live up to what he calls love.

But then again, let's face it. Maybe really, I'm just not his cut and neither is he? But see I know how great he could be and how much we both could grow with each other. I know how I can still have him if only he is willing, and also if I am willing to stop avoiding love's call.

But then I believe that love shouldn't require you to force a change to your loved one, that you should accept them for who they are and what they can be - isnt that what I've been fighting for in my past relationship with him? Ugh. So maybe, yea I guess it turns out he isn't the guy I fell in love with anymore. And maybe just as well, I'm not the woman he thought he could love.

Sigh.





I bought this for some reason to commemorate my singlehood, and then got home to realize that today was my 2nd month single.

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My week (end June-start July)

Monday brought me to a gathering that I have planned to support as its organizers are my close couple friend.




The idea is to meet like minded people to share their thoughts and opinion about a particular raised topics and it becomes a platform where everyone enjoys and be a part of something, to get to know more people and to network, meeting people from different walks of life and work in various industries.

Tuesday was home session. I decided to get home early, spend some time with the family and get to be earlier to recover from my growing tiredness. It wasn't really helpful. I didn't get to sleep early as I wanted.

Wednesday I met up with the ex and having talked and exchanged thoughts, I realized then that I'm not ready to face him as I still love him, but nevertheless what he affirmed was something that I know really changed my hopes. It's not a bad thing. It hurts but it's really very helpful.








Thursday still rather injured due to the meetup with the ex, I decided to try something new and really just go to a meetup in this art studio. I brought my bestie and we did a painting together. Rather horrible but really nice feeling to have had so much fun.

Friday was movie date with bestie. We watched Knight and Day... It was freaking hilarious, tho I find some parts rather monotonous and boring, I still give it 4 stars because bestie and I had fits of laughter that lasts for long minutes!!



Saturday spent time with the family doing groceries, lunch treat and some games at the archade. After which I joined my current best gal buddy for a business opening launch of her colleague - The Traditional Javanese Massage.









Now I'm home lying down in bed typing this, fighting the urge to sleep cos I don't want to miss the length of Saturday. I've got nothing much to do but to wait for the rain to stop and see if I'm meeting bestie again later. I've to tutor lil sis first tho.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I know that it will come to an end fast and begin another long week this the weekend - which I do anticipate :)

Don't get me wrong, I love and still am loving my job. I just feel less motivated lately cos I'm still waiting for confirmation and the hope in the rightful income I should be getting... And till now 4 months passed and im not informed if they increased my probation period and cos of what?

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Songs

Songs is an art derived from the emotions. The words from the songs which we so often missed are some of the most beautiful art that could even surface from the elaboration of our emotions.

<3


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To the point of breakage

I'm strong and I know what I want and need now. What breaks me apart is the thought that he's not going to be a part of me anymore.

He had grown into me as much as I have into him.

It breaks me.

But this might be for the best.

It is and for the sakes of our happiness individually, I guess this is it.

I don't think I'm the cut at the other line of his soul and heart.
I don't feel that im the perfectly imperfect soulmate meant for him.

Idealistic as it sounds, I know that we all have that one person who will never be perfect to the eyes of everyone, but it's the feeling of acceptance that you know they are the perfect one for you...

Love is not about the general definition anyone else can form about, it's about how the couple make it according to their own ways/rules etc.

I still love him and I won't regret having him a part of me. I don't deny it. But as long as he don't acknowledge all the good things I did for him or own up to all the mistakes he did to me and our past rship, he'll never have the complete happiness he seeks, even with other women.

I know what he wants and what he seeks(or at least I used to), I can give that to him but not till he don't grow his own backbone and form his own needs and wants according to his own heart, away from influences whatever - As an individual, not as a race, a representative of a community.

As it is the phase of acceptance that were over is coming through.

I wish him well and my sincere apology I can't act as a friend cos I still have thoughts that we could make it perfect but it will definitely take a miracle.

And miracles don't happen in real love and life. At least not like this... It takes years of building the character that fits each other.

I'm still young and I know what I want and need... I always work hard to achieve it.

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The Love

I never thought it would turn out back to the end again. I thought of all the mistakes I did that contributed to our failures, accepted them and forgave myself, thus being able to apologize wholeheartedly to the one I have hurt.

Despite not doing the initial attack, it seems that my defense was so strong that the attacker fell back and having an injured pride resorted to hiding and as I seek him n held out my hand, after licking my wounds, he refuse to take my hand.

I found myself cheated. How come I could still see the importance and the affection, of the good things he has done, and in turn, he couldn't do so for all the things I did for him.

I did no unforgivable sin that requires such a response. I could think of all the reasons that can get me to go from years ago and never come back, so I feel cheated again, why doesn't that matter when I think of the love I have for him and I can still always come back and love him wholeheartedly?

How come I can come out as the culprit and not even given credit for all the things I sacrificed and did all this times?How come things have to be so complicated with my changing the status of my facebook relationship to complicated, and with that it becomes the basis of decision for the one who claims to love me completely, and ironically and sadly one who is the reason why I found our relationship complicated thus the change.

This is not a badmouth post about my former other half. This is about my feelings. I keep asking myself what did I do to deserve such a response or a retaliation.

In any relationship, specially a failed one, is never contributed by one person. Such is rare and never happens when both person testified of loving each other.

I feel cheated that despite it all, i can sit down and think of all the reasons I may hv contributed to the failure of the relationship, admit it and learn to destroy it.

How come it seems that all this time I'm the only one who was prepared to be true to myself and to come to reality. It helps, to really see what you did wrong, and admit it. It may not do anything to change what has happened, if it completely is over, but it makes you a stronger and much wiser person in the end.

But of couse, it doesn't mean that u admit your mistakes or even take the blames or swallow the wrongs that your other half did and take it as your fault, no that don't cut it cos your not being honest to yourself in the end, and instead of having enough strength to kill your own demon, you find youself haunted by the demon of your other half too.. No not good. It shouldn't happen that way.

If your other half cannot take his own faults in and swallow it and accept it, you will find your relationship alrdy dead - soon you will get the smell of death, a sign that it's too late.

I'm going to mourn this passing of a great love. Well, at least to me it was a great love, worth enough to choose it over anything, and taking the leap of faith instead of letting fear cave me in. This is how I love, and it ended jus 2months before we could enjoy our 36th month.

Well, this is know - I will have to find someone who will love me for me, completely and who gives me the credit I deserve. He will come. I won't give up on love just because of a huge failure - no one should.

And I'm wishing he will find the fit he's looking for, cos all this time, I nvr felt it was me...

"The real way to measure love is to measure how much hate you felt but turn it to love effortlessly." - M Jean

Love

It takes a few instances to know that love is more than the sugar coated moments you have with your partner.

It takes a few unwanted events to be stable and come out stronger. Your bond with your partner is defined when you know that you will not leave them alone and helpless.

Love happens through many ways possible. But it takes one way to really express it. That one way is...?

There's no one way.

This is the paradox of love and life. It takes for you to know who you really are to be able to say what way is the best for you to keep love and be strong.

So keep moving and keep going. Things will fall into place eventually. At least that's what I think.

My life update: A summary

I started my job as a Marketing Coordinator, taking over the job roles of my former Marketing Supervisor.
It has been a month plus since i started and i must say that my personal evaluation of my job is great!
I feel fulfilled and i always have this job as a source of motivation that i have a good stand in my career path.

Eventually, i still want to own a business and this path is what's going to take me there :)
I find that my job at Innocom is a mixture of all that i actually like to do. The fact that my Director is open to my suggestions and she gives good input on what to think about gives me a better gauge of how to do my own things, but accordin to what makes the management happy.

I am free to do what i like and source for good options, and what's left is the approval from Management, which most of the time i feel does not hinder me. What hinders me is the machines at work. I kind of hope that i can convince my Director to share the price of a laptop with me so i can use it for both work and personal use.

I need a laptop too actually but i've to wait out another two months to get my very own cos my mini acer laptop will go to Ana.

So anyway, today, i'm moving out of my parents' house. The room i've rented is a share room with an Indonesian lady who seems to be ok. Well, i don't intend to socialise anyway, i'm just there to have a place to stay and only give face for the little hours i might have to face my housemates.

There are altogether 6 ladies in a house, no males allowed which i'm relieved for because even if i don't bring shenath over, i don't have to be evicted if my roommate's guy comes over. I feel secure somehow because there is a camera in the common area. The house is free to roam unlike other rental flats.

Why am i moving out? Well, i think it's about time i do so. To those who knows are nodding by now, to those who knows me and is wondering, well, it's just time that i muster whatever courage that is left and leave the house that constantly don't give me the belonging i have been seeking for years. It's not because of everyone in the house, just one person.

To save our relationship, i decided this is the best move to do. I don't hate her, im just numb.
I love her a lot. I know and appreciate the level of things she has done for me, but for everything else, i think i just cant expect anymore.

I don't know what to feel.

I've to refresh. It should turn out better.