armor and shield

so much for nothing....

somehow today seemed to be a rather different day, in a negative way.
well, i will never expect anything from anyone anymore nor even feel oblige to keep them informed.
and for what? just get myself all hyped up in disappointment when something else crops up?

well well....
whatever.

I need to put on my armor and hold my shield in place.

christmas eve

Christmas Eve Dinner @ my house

<**i owe you readers pictures, but my connection's too lousy, will fix it when i can**>


it was lonely for me as my other half is miles and hours away from me.
i dont know how i did my christmases and new years without shenath.
it's like as if the occasions i spent before without him seemed not to exist, like i do question if his presence is really what i have been waiting for.
i love every way i feel when i am with him.
despite the bickering and the itsy bitsy feeling we get when we are moody and cranky,
i know our love only grow stronger by each fall.

we have said goodbye too many times, or should i take all the credits for the saying goodbye part? hmms well, yeah i have been really nasty and i realized that.
and i know i will try not to say goodbye again... this time i know i wont.
i have learnt so much from him, about love, life and being in a relationship.
as in being in a real commitment, which you give up almost everything for the happiness of each other.
but not all that you are left barren and cold...
we leave some teeny bit love for ourselves and what we like to do.

so anyway, today help quite a lot around the house.
today's christmas eve held sadness in the air - and i wasn't the only one who felt that...
thanks to the attendees - jar, wan, nurul, darshy and the new girl, melissa (:
thanks for making my christmas eve at least bearable without mr jean :(


ooooohhhhhh! shenath and i are going for a little getaway in march (hopefully, we'll have enough saved (: )


anyway baby, i can't wait for your return....
i cant wait to do things to and for you... ((:
but we have to wait. patiently!!!!

my days

yesterday went to work for only 4 hours,
then waited for nurul,
after which, went swimming - 4.5 laps in total
got tired but still have to follow nurul to bugis and run errand for mum
it was nice spending time with nurul.
she sat there reading a book and watching do my laps of course.
haha then she was lecturing me about how wasted my nice abs used to be :(

well, doesn't matter i guess i do want to get it back and i will, definitely.
lets see... :D

today went to work again, only for 5 hours.
then stayed there to do some studying and a little bit of research for the fyp selection i made.
wei ling got me to help brainstorm about a description for hawaiian pizza for the menu this festive season.

tomorrow im going to get my HP!!! Motorola Z8 VS Samsung L700
then help mum get the christmas eve party things done, im in charge of the cleaning.
i cannot wait to see the girls! :D
ohh and of course, my hp! :D

on Friday im working - HALF DAY,
on Saturday im working - HALF DAY,
on Sunday im working.... FULL SHIFT........
YAWNS


miss shenath really.

will be waiting for you hotstuff!

missing my baby

well 11 more days to go and i will be seeing, feeling, holding, touching, loving my baby love.
i still sucks though.
so anyway, yesterday was our very first (not the first time) miles-apart-quarell.
gosh i was missing him so much i ended up stirring nasty event.
ended up fighting about things here and there. eventually i just have to swallow my pride, and apologies for real.
well, it really was my bad.

i succumbed to negativity again.
and at least, today i didnt bother him much about anything.
let's hope this contentment will last.
the trial is not over yet, and there's more missing to come by.

the day before yesterday, i wrote him a poem.
i was supposed to be trying to sleep now, but i just couldn't keep off from writing here.
oh yeah, papa bought a new digi cam.
which i must say don't fit my view of a good camera, in other words, it sucks.
feels like he just got cheated off his money, damn it.
he should have just let me buy the camera.

but well, whatever it isn't actually mine right so whatever....
i just cannot wait for my hp.
i hope i can actually choose the right one. hmmmms

it's Motorola Z8 VS Samsung L700
i really do want to try out a nokia again, BUT i cant find a shop selling the phone i want!
and guess what? i have reserved the two hp models above, from two different shops,
and i know i shouldn't since i really havent figured out which one of the two or none of them, i will end up choosing.
shenath is telling me to get nokia, safer.
then again, i really have tried all the models there was, and it seems alright for any of the models...........
HELP


okay i got to go, have work at 12noon tmr.
good night.

missing shenath.



I LOVE YOU HONEY

anthony kolos

My love, I have tried with all my being
to grasp a form comparable to thine own,
but nothing seems worthy;

I know now why Shakespeare could not
compare his love to a summer’s day.
It would be a crime to denounce the beauty
of such a creature as thee,
to simply cast away the precision
God had placed in forging you.

Each facet of your being
whether it physical or spiritual
is an ensnarement
from which there is no release.
But I do not wish release.
I wish to stay entrapped forever.
With you for all eternity.
Our hearts, always as one.

- Anthony Kolos -

dedicated to me by shenath.
and yeah he was being sweeeeet. this was quite awhile ago.
now sitting by the hall dinner table, overlooking the tv got me all bored.

shenath just smsed me.
really nice to hear from him, but we have to have an alternate cheaper way of communication.
it costs 95cents per minute and 15cents per 160characters sent.
the wireless im piggybacking on is so unstable. well it ain't my own wireless so cant really blame it.

yawns. im bored.

<3 you lots honey.

far away

we spent the last three days spending time, and yet
it doesnt seem enough.

he already left for his country early this afternoon at 3pm.
he's already there in sri lanka, miles and two and half hours away.

when he was going to leave, it made me think about the many times that we didnt spend in liplock. felt as if all the amount of times that we kissed and hugged wasnt enough!
and the amount of love we have had wasnt enough and that we could do a lot more.

for two weeks i will have to miss his kiss, hugs, loving and whatever and he too,
and i know it isnt two years or two millenium, but seems like a lifetime.
two occasions that i will miss him around isnt helping the loneliness, but coping need be done.

as long as he's happy to be home and spending christmas together with his family, im sure he's happy. it is really important to be really together with your family in christmas.
if you have a family, please be with them.
for those who are going to be alone in christmas, do something by yourself but still celebrating christmas....
for new year's eve... just do something almost great :)

yawns.

so anway, after sending shenath off.
i went to meet my girlfriends, jar and hid.
ling's aunt passed away, having done a superman, nurul's sick, influenza
went to lucky plaza and had some indonesian food, jar's chosen spot.
had mee bakso.
chatted with the girls about lots of things, and it continued all through the starbucks
where we poured all our shits down.

was really harsh (in a sisterly way) to hid about ditching us and me
i told her how i felt and she told me how she felt.
above all aspects, i know her... in and out. so it would really be shitty if we dont work out our friendship.
well, lets hope for the best.

then otw home, shenath contacted me.
cant wait to call him later.
i love you darling.
missing you already.

hugs

feelings

well, it's december 14 but i am writing for from december 13
it was quite a day, especially the ending.

thanks to debbie and geraldine, i got hooked to gossip girl.
when i say hooked, i really mean fanatically hooked - but which i doubt will eventually last, it's distinct infatuation... why? cos it really is quite fun, the characters esp (:

well, i have a few more episodes left only.
wish someone in RP would have the entire season for gossip girl as well as cashmere mafia.
gawd i'd love to get cashmere mafia, so far, three episodes have passed, and im glad that i have the holidays to make sure that i can get to watch cashmere mafia.

worked today. did 5 hrs, which was so not bad, considering the fact that cutting labour cost is becoming the priority these days.
i need to find work cos i heard from the inside source that my cafe is going to close down.
so jean, this is it, reality check - find a damn new job!!!!

baby picked me up today...
like finally, a proper picking-me-up-from-work thing happened... yawns

followed him to have dinner, and then head to sea shell park for seats and supposedly to watch the moon, but the lights made it impossible to appreciate the beauty of the moon.

i love the moon, i love the night, i love the stars, i love clouds, i love nature

after some time sitting around, talking and all, we decided to get going.
twas about 1155pm, then as we were walking passed the playground at sea shell, we saw an injured raven and a cat. (so the cat was ready to pounce on it and probably to kill and eat it up or something... cats kill birds, it's their nature.)

so shooed off the cat, then both of us contemplated whether to leave it or to help it.
opted for the latter, so i ran home, took a cloth by shenath wait up to protect the bird from cats.
at home, i made calls to spca, and even to the police.. lol sorry to bother you guys


so spca told me that they'll send somebody to get it from me.
cos honestly, i do not know how to treat a raven even if i were to help it.
so best to give it to the experts, hopefully just cos it's a black bird, it wont get judged or get 'put down' cos of biasness.
hmmm shenath had to get his last bus eventually, so we decided to bring it to my house (at my old rabbit's old cage) and waited for an spca person to come and get it. shenath bravely took it and carried it from the park to my house on small steps and it wasn't a short distance of short steps, so good doing baby...

around 1am just now, he came to take it away.
so bye bye raven, hopefully you wont get 'put down' cos of your species.
thank you for showing me and shenath that we do share the same kind of emotions towards a mishap being.
:)


well, good night.
sweet dreams.
working tmr... hopefully will last.
and i have to babysit tmr, mum's going out...
yawns..

another lazy day

not that the day itself was lazy, its TGIF damn it.


but yours truly haven't been feeling upbeat lately and just as i was actually feeling rather better, i became so detonated to the point of actually feeling sooo blue.
(altho i must say im still rather alright.)

i never felt this type of emotion for quite a long time, but the time frame of things happening at the same time just stirred up the wrong way!
yikes! im a walking detonated bomb.
i just hope i dont explode at the wrong time, im trying my best to treat shenath right.
i at least owe it to him for being still here and trying his best to cheer me up.

nevertheless, i can't just sulk about things for long right?
as for my thank you to nurul yesterday, it was due to her offer to be with me for christmas.
shenath has been telling me to actually come to terms with the fact i do have good friends to be with, that he's sure they wont leave me to rot and die in christmas.

when Christmas is over, New Year celebration will come.
and the only person i will want to share the new year kiss with is not going to be around :(
not even on the first day of new year itself.... so eating me up right now.
i dont even want to think about this now, i just want to think of one occassion per se.

so far, this is indeed the potential worst end to my year 2008

i want to be positive and im somehow just letting be things go
then again, i am uncertain how far Dubious-Jean-Within will dampen the optimism level that i can actually try and front with.

for now, i have thought of a nice christmas night >>
...christmas mass
...christmas dinner  
(still contemplating if to cook or to just have a lone dinner-out at the cafe)

if nurul will be coming with me, then i guess it'll be appreciated.
but im quite prepared of a lone christmas tho.
going to have to get used to it, shenath might be taking the liberty to have his christmases spent over at his homeland. then my parents might just keep leaving me out...
boo hoo... -.-

ugggghhhhhhh
i dont know how things will go.. but im just hoping for a bit of nice christmas.
the only good thing? i will have a new handphone and a camera to camwhore with!

blue christmas 2008

it's just bad enough that shenath is not going to be celebrating christmas and new year with me, mum is going away too (she's flying off on the 25th December)
and so will the siblings and papa (going to malaysia)

christmas seems real special to me.
i dont know why i even bother to hold it so special here in my heart, but
i guess im being just paranoid about it...
yeah i know im being paranoid, altho i must say i always have this christmas scene in my head
just a sucker for a nice little family gathering christmas.
then again, there was never such a thing ever in my family for a very very very long time
and i dont think there ever will be again.

baby thank you
nurul thank you
practical mindset thank you

TO: nuruleh

Happy Birthday Nurul Hidayah Mohd Adzahar!

Your finally 19 and before your special day ends, i am writing this post to commemorate on you - but not totally really... hehe cos today, shenath and i had quite lotsa stuff lately

Who is this Nurul? She's the Belle of my heart (gosh so lesbian rite?) and the most beloved walking PDA who sometimes go bonkers because of too much information.
She really a very handy PDA because she knows many things, which i really am sure she do keep in the private closets of her mind.
Do i fear blackmail? No! cos i know she loves me even if she ends up hating me.
She hates me cos she loves me and she loves me cos it's impossible not to hate me. (confused? yeah, me too)

She has been my bestgirl all through because of the fact that since the day we met, the only years that we havent really talked everyday was since i entered poly and she ite, however, we still talked almost everyday.
If we don't talk to each other at all, the next time we chat, it'll be all i miss you seh, okay so this happened, that happened... omg shit yeah i told you about that already. okay whatever... then the talk will go on till either of our loved ones needs our attentions.

My BDQ loved ones also love her through cos she's cute. literally cos she's too small for her age and her piece of mind. LOL
She's not exactly the best in making plans and leading any sort of gathering, but most of the time, she's always there to glue me whenever any gatherings end up spoiled -.-

Nurul is the most pampered girl in every social clicks that she venture to.
Especially with me and one of st hilda's soccer fanatics' group - consisting of salin, salihin, achap, fir .....
She loves attention (for real, like any girls in us) and she always love to be the apple of her beloved's eyes and most of the time if he even missed her out, she sure will remember it even if she can be the most understand gf around....
i swear if i have to tolerate her beloved like she does, i will just flip.
and im sure that my view is subjective, so hafiz if u read this and you flip, dont blame me...

hahaha okay, i know she'll just shoot me the moment we meet on for Twilight! but i dont care, here's more.

I see Nurul as the good girl gone bad turned good girl again then turned bad then good girl again, until she gets confuse of whatever she is and then eventually, she just ends up good again. I know she's capable of a LOT of things and she doesnt take two shit about thinking too much like i do. She can go with the flow and gets hurt all through, and she'll just swallow whatever it was the might come again, which i always tell her DONT!
in the end, all i can do is just listen, just as she does with me.
only she, lyn, jar, hid and of course shenath, within one and a half years of being with him, know how stubborn i can get.

also, i know how to make nurul go crazy in fits of laughter! haha
just let me talk to her and i swear she'll just go crazy... and i know when something is wrong with her. i read her like a book.
but i swear, she knows nuts about me in the problem department.
i always get away with telling her im okay when im not, but eventually i cant keep it from her.
but she takes quite a good hint if i am not being myself or being able to drive her crazy.

overall, she's mine and she knows it. LOL
love you bitch... hugs

NOW
love diabetics leave>>

baby, im dreading your absence.
just the thought of you not going to be with me for a bit is making me weird.
although i know we can use this away moments to strenghten our bond,
and i told mummy that we are planning to be together for real
baby, i am trusting you and i know you will honour that.
i fear your safety but like you helped me remember, my love will protect you
i almost forgotten that faith and now ive gained it back
darling i love you and i do appreciate how much you love me.
and im sure our love will have to undergo trials and challenges, so let's be strong.

hugs and kisses,
mary jean bautista

greetings/dreading

to my muslim friends and community, selamat hari raya haji
or to what jas call it, happy goat slaughtering day! lol

but i think it commemorates more than just goat slaughtering aint it?
it's some sort of a sacred day with the goat/lamb as sacrifice.
oh well, religions hold too many sacred events, best thing is to just be open to them,
to be respectful no matter what your religious view is.

personally i am not inclined to any religious belief the moment i turned 16, when i analysed and got to know myself more. i do believe however that i am live in this world because i am supposed to do something good or bad to this inhospitable world.
and i do believe that there is a force of nature, GOD, Lord, The Almighty One and the name goes on...

surprisingly, the relatives did not call for my family to attend some function to commemorate the day.
my family is muslim, mum converted when she married my stepfather.
so anyway, everyone's rather too mix to even deny any relations to any other communities.

today, i worked.
get the hours accumulated so in January 2009 i get more moolahs!
really hoping to get some good hours during the vacation that is fast approaching.
not only because i am rather too free for my liking, but because i need to distract myself from having to have to miss shenath!

even now, im missing him so much, and he hasn't left yet.
i cannot imagine not being with him this time of year.
yet, im sure he longs to be with his family, together and complete.
im sure he'll be happy and that's one thing i have to hold on to, to bear his absence.
that he'll be away filling up the gaps with his family and of course, his country and his friends.
nevertheless, two weeks will not be easy im sure.
but i will no doubt survive it, it's inevitable.
like what eshani said, when he comes back i'll love him more!
well, if my cup ain't full enough of my love for him, then i guess yeah that will be possible.

now i'm dreading the times that he will fly off, and im definitely going to dread his absence...

then again, the phrase absence makes the heart grow fonder will be put to test.

love you baby love.
hugs and kisses

always be my baby

<3 pressed refresh
this time, i really want the best of everything
of us, of me, of him, of all of things
we'll be great, the goals have been set & we have things to accomplish


love will never be enough
but then again, love will be our leverage to whatever wrong that might come along
we'll have fears but definitely we will have it subside
i will learn, he will learn, we will learn

with the best of me, i promise myself to you when the time come for us
and the best of you i will definitely expect.


love,
me <3

Essay

so im up, i didn't go to school for web application today.
i'm still unsure if i should postpone my meeting with dr loo at 4pm also.

i've taken ill and i'm still a bit groggy & the only thing i'm able to do type and lie down on my bed.
having a headache also -.-
all cos i didn't manage to fall asleep to recuperate from my flu bug yesterday.
hate flu, hate the weakness it comes with.
oh i really am hoping for a good shake...

mum wanted me to stay home and make sure i get well so i can stop skipping school cos of my illness 'disorder'.
'disorder' because, as and when i can just fall sick.
and my current lifestyle ain't helping... im really that unfit. LOL
thanks to my migraine i have no idea when i will currently be able to dance.
sometimes i do wonder if i'm still in dance for the duration i left and still away, i really am not going to be surprise if im officially out! -.-

then again, i still do want to dance you know.
just that there are things that is keeping from it.

well, let's just wait & see.
im just hoping that i'll be rather okay soon.

ESSAY WRITING: NASA DIYOS ANG AWA, NASA TAO ANG GAWA

it all comes down to trust and respect.
im not going to act all holy that i have given these fully.
but for the former, i have. lately, deep inside i have developed trust.
the latter is rather subjective, but i'm going to mould myself according to what is possibly the right thing to do in the view of the one that matters.
nevertheless, agreements are needed to be reached.
which i had rather thought have already been achieved.


sometimes, it also comes down to ourselves.

how much trust we have on ourselves amounts to least half of how much we trust others.
and how much respect we show others is derived from how much respect we have on ourselves.

then again, the second point seems rather vague ain't it.
the amount of respect that we seemingly achieved is actually the amount of respect that we give others, in an individual view and not in the mass outlook of everyone.
also, the amount of respect we achieved is almost how much self-respect we portray to others.
so technically, when we do something that does not show self-respect, it just makes us disrespected.
and i agree with this and so i know i have to mould to this..


the amount of trust however still seems rather unachievable.
if the amount of trust on ourselves is half of how much we trust others.
means that other half of trust comes from the amount others show us trust.
oh bother! it's all complicated.
then if that's the case, everyone is waiting for everyone to do something first, so as to do their part. omg if that's the case, this world is really in danger.


initiative comes into the picture now. lol
- which is really too subjective to even talk about.


it's rather funny how many things come to surface when these two virtues (trust and respect) are not present in individuals, partnerships, relationships, friendships and the likes.
the most frequent events that results in the absence of these virtues? wars.


people wage wars because trust and respect comes in different forms and we don't know what really comprise of trust and respect, and thus we don't know how much is ever enough.
solution? come to terms (which really is also hard to follow through due to the complacent nature of people.)
so sometimes, what actually holds us rooted to the ground is the amount of these virtues we have in ourselves.


in conclusion, virtues are really hard to develope and to hold on to.
however, agreements need be met and if agreements are already met, move on.
if you find yourself unable to move on after the agreement, it just shows that you are not happy about the agreements that has been made, and so you have to question yourself why.

if the last resort need be met, sometimes the last resort is to measure how much faith and love you have for yourselves and for one another.
if that doesn't help, and you just need to make it work. self sacrifice is the last resort.
but if that can't be done too and if it can be done but you know deep down that it ain't going to be of much change, then leave it be and let the forces of nature do its work.

ang respeto at pagtitiwala ay nasa tao ang pagawa, pero ang resulta ay talagang nasa diyos lamang.



nasa diyos ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa
TRANSLATION: IN GOD THERE'S PITY(SALVATION) BUT ONLY AFTER YOU DO YOUR PART HARD ENOUGH

frustration/obession

Well, first things first, yes! i changed my blogskin - if it ain't yet obvious to you all.
To those who just chanced upon my blog, helloo! nice to meet you.

Okay, jean. Shut up!
Wait, i can't. I ain't even talking.. -.-

I'm still in class, kinda getting rotten. (I'm listening to elijah ramble on about Feasibility Study)
Doing Management Info System today and we are to advise methodologies or frameworks for a new 4-founder company, penetrating the premium denim jeans market area with online presence.
So we are supposed to advise them how they can do better in the future, and if they could continue or not.

Okay, this doesn't even matter much.


Lately, what's been happening;

1. I am down with two scheduled meeting with Ms Linda Cheong & Mr Liew Beng Keat today at 4.15pm, and Dr Loo Poh Kok on Thursday, 4pm (reasons to be elaborated, read on)


The first meeting: See past post pertaining class facilitator sub, dated Nov 21 and Nov 27.

Complained about the grades i received when i was present for 3 meetings and diligently doing work. Not to forget, i was rather polite to him.
So DBC chairperson, Ms Linda Cheong and a PA (principal academy) staff are seeing me today after having postponed the meeting yesterday, to today after school.



The second meeting: This came as a shock. Yes! It's like a big stone  have been wrongly thrown at my head and a misled arrow has stab my pride. (metaphorically speaking if i may remind so) 
My Online Marketing and Advertisement final year project proposal is slandered to be a plagiarised work! *i hyperventilated enough, so i'm rather reserved now*
My SAD faci has told me about this and he told me to email the FYP MC, Dr Loo Poh Kok, as to the misjudgement.

Yes, i'm offended.

2. I have currently worked less that i needed and it's getting at me the wrong way. The fact that i have incurred unwanted expenditures in the phone bill arena, i am rather at work woes which creates financial blurry. (good thing it's december..... phew)

I just need to make sure i don't overspend, which for two months now, i am quite capable of doing. For now, i just have to wait for the money to roll in from the folks every december :) I hope i get bucks rather than items. Hmmms then again, i'll just be happy if i get something i like! :D


3. Despite the usual happiness of being in love, it isn't always the case, alas. Oh don't get me wrong, we aren't on the rocks or anywhere near the sharp edges of nothingness, just in the midst of some issue, which i'm rather quite in confusion today.

love is a nice wonderful feeling that envelopes me and as you hold me tight into your arms.
everything seems rather still intact and im sure love is pretty much still concentrated.
love a lot of things to thrive and im happy enough, despite whatever we go through, to learn it with you.

4. Vacation is coming forth and so far, no news from parents if we will be going anywhere nice for a short retreat. Im going to be 'alone' this year's christmas and new year's day. Haiz. I just hope i won't rot to death.

5. I was doing my normal reads to a good blog - Click Here
I saw this posts in the writer's online shop - Click Here
And i realized a new found obsession of a Victorian item, close to a cameo ring that i went gugu gaga over.

Dont know if they ship to Singapore. It costs only USD$12 - i think :(
Haiz.....