Bare and Open

i lay awake in bed, unknown to the time i will doze off.
as always with the same situation, i never really get much sleep cos my mind is too much alive.
too alive to even feel hibernation is a must.

my mind was filled with all the things i said, all the things that made things worst, all he said, all the things he feels and how i couldn't bring myself to comfort him at that point.

also, my mind filled with regrets because i might not be really making him the happiest.

all the things that he said of me, he thought of me and my actions against him, make me think, "hey biatch, you're just not good enough for him, let him go. maybe he'll be happier".

my mind was filled with a lot of things from how to make it better to how i can live without him, and was it the right choice i made when i set him free.

it hurts me more to always say that i wanna set him free.

it always hurt somebody who loves you too much to let you go to even say it, but sometimes due to the fear of not being able to satisfy you, we'd rather leave you to find your happiness and suffer the hurt of leaving you.

he never thought that all the time i hurt myself having to say that, and it hurts more that he left me to my own decision (which as a matter of fact, never was concrete.)

i never was concrete in my decisions of leaving my loved one, because i know no one will replace me. no one can be me...

i am damn confident that when i love someone, no one in this world can top that love.

No one in this world can make my loved one feel like i make him feel.

i may never be the World's Best Girlfriend or World's Best Potential Wife but i know i will always be the best in his heart... no matter how bad he seem to always think of me...
 

but despite all that i am always ready to sacrifice my heart's condition to his happiness.

it's been my way ever since i can remember, so i really don't know if i can change always being ready to set my loved one free if he chose.

shenath thomas dias.

i always have tried to make him feel special but i never knew why there are still doubts about my past and potentially what i will do against him.

i have always been proud of the love i give him.
he's a good boyfriend who's always been there for me, always ready to be without nothing but me.
he's always ready to sacrifice his happiness for me.
and always ready to go with my flow no matter how unreasonable i can be sometimes.
he's always there when some glitch come up.
he's always there to tell me his whereabouts, make time for me and do all sorts of things to make me happy.
i know no one will be worthy of my love but him.

AND i have always been sure that no one can ever sway me from him, apart from his own actions and words of me.

yet, i have hurt him.

and yes, i do admit that most of it was my fault.

most of it i find is not an issue, it shouldn't be an issue, but it happens to be.

i couldn't blame him.

i never really entirely do... 

that's why as always when i am questioned what are the things i'm unhappy with him about, i totally forget it.

because it isn't important anymore cos what matters was i love him and his love for me.
all the time, all the things he's done for me are very much appreciated.

that's why diving into those negative traps of nasty words are never my forte...

since young, letting out nasty, mean words are not to my liking. i hate it.

i watched people say things that break families and ties off, kills love and affection too.

i hated that.

so i always erase those minor things that made me angry earlier because there's no point bringing it up anyway.

that's why darling, i never say things that can totally hurt you. cos i never am that way.

i am just human, i also make mistakes but i also try to make it better.

just as he does.

at my last message he called, i was half choked in my tears.

i wanted to hear his voice potentially for the last time.

i responded to his question and i bid goodbye, then hung up.

it hurt me more that he just called only to ask me pertaining that subject.

then the phone ring again.

i was reluctant to pick up, but i did.

then he asked me if i really wanted to set him free.

so we talked about things for awhile, then the next thing i know it wasn't over.

and he messaged me saying,

"in the end ur not going anywhere without me. love u good nyt" 

i never want to.

but i find myself still thinking... should i have just let him go?